by Barnard, Jo
* * *
The mood in the room was slightly lighter this week and we welcomed one another with gentle hellos rather than avoiding each others’ gazes. Maybe we were starting to relax into the safety of the group. After all, it was becoming a bit of a dependable crutch for most, if not all of us.
Annie sat in her usual place, her surrounding circumference littered with an array of papers, pens, rulers and magazines. She was dressed in autumnal shades of burnt orange, dark red and sage green, making her presence well known as usual.
“Good evening, darlings. It’s so lovely to see you here as always, and I hope you’re all managing to work with the first three steps to some degree.
“Now, I’m sure Ray won’t mind me telling you that he felt the need to call me during the week as he was feeling particularly anxious and couldn’t wait until tonight to get some support.
“So, Ray, darling, do you feel happy to share what’s happening in your life with the group, and perhaps we can help?”
The Great Raymondo laughed nervously. “Oh, ok then. Well, to give you a bit of background, I’ve been married to my wife, Maria, for twenty-seven years. We are both Jewish and are fairly traditional in that Maria has always stayed at home, and I’ve always been the breadwinner. And like many Jewish wives, Maria is the holder of the purse strings. We were never blessed with children so it’s just the two of us, although Maria has always been my baby really.
“She is a wonderful woman and I adore her, but the trouble is that she is rather partial to the finer things in life. The kind of things we can’t really afford. I’ve always worked hard, as I like to please my wife and give her what she wants, but I have reached the conclusion that no matter how much I earn, or how much we have, she will keep wanting more.
“We live in a massive house, she buys new cars every year, she dresses from head to toe in designer gear, and is forever getting her nails done or her eyelashes done, or her hair done. She books us on all these exotic holidays, she hires architects and builders and interior designers and gardeners without my agreement, and she spends many a lunchtime socialising with her friends in our local health club, eating lavishly and drinking lots of expensive wine.
“Now don’t get me wrong. I’m very happy for her to have all of these things, but her spending is getting more and more out of hand, and our debts are starting to feel insurmountable. I just can’t keep up with it, but I’m frightened to tell her in case she leaves me for someone else who is able to provide the kind of lifestyle she wants.
“So I came along to this group because I feel like my life is out of control. I’ve buried my head in the sand for a long, long time, and as a result, I’m now suffocating.
“The reason why I felt the need to phone Annie this week, is because I have just discovered that my job’s on the line, and I’m waiting to hear whether it’ll be me or the other director in the company that gets made redundant.
“God knows what I’ll do if it’s me. I’m fifty-five years old. I daren’t tell Maria; she’ll be mortified. So I guess, like many of you, I feel very lonely at the moment. Lonely and seriously frightened. The denial hasn’t worked, so I have to find a new way.”
The Devil card from Rose’s reading popped into my mind as Raymondo was talking. It was if he was merrily dancing along to his wife’s tune, becoming more and more trapped by fear. I could really resonate with him. After all, my relationships tended to be based around me pleasing others too.
The Great Raymondo seemed like a nice chap. Very smiley and kind. He certainly didn’t deserve to be treated like that. But then again, neither did I.
“Well, thank you, Ray, for sharing your story with us all. As you can probably tell by now, it doesn’t matter whether the issue is based around alcohol, drugs, compulsive spending, co-dependency or anything else; the point is that people turn to these behaviours when they are trying to fill a void. So, Ray, what void do you think your wife Maria is trying to fill by spending, spending, spending?” Annie asked.
“I think it’s probably sadness because we could never have children. We’ve never really spoken about it at length, and to be honest, I’ve always been frightened to, for fear of upsetting her.”
“There’s always a reason, darling, and it’s always based around fear. So perhaps then your wife is afraid of lack.
“Now then, an important point to make is that, no matter how hard we try; no matter what we say or do, or how loud we shout, we simply cannot change the addict’s behaviour. What we can do, however, is change ourselves.”
Annie stood up and handed out a couple of sheets of paper, a magazine, a pen and a ruler to everyone.
“How did we all get on with the God concept of Step Three last week? Were you all able to find someone or something that could be your God?”
Most of us nodded, but Shane the Mane admitted to having struggled with this one. Annie suggested they have a chat at the end as this wasn’t at all uncommon.
“So, darlings, let’s now look at Step Four together: We make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
“Now then, it’s only when we’ve made the commitment to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him, that we can really begin to carry out Step Four effectively.” She looked around the room, as if to gauge people’s reactions. “But I think it’s an exercise worth touching on this evening if you’re ready. And you will know as soon as you start whether you are ready or not.
“Before we begin, I’d like to share my experience of Step Four with you if I may.
“When I joined Al-Anon, I was convinced that George’s drinking was the problem. It was something that he was doing, not me. It was his fault and I was pretty much perfect. But then, through Al-Anon, I began to learn that the role I played was also part of the problem. And although this was very hard to admit to, it also gave me something to work with. I could begin to change myself.
“I soon realised that some of my best intentions were actually my flaws; the things that got me into most trouble. And I began to learn about the part that I played in George’s alcoholism, which actually helped to feed his disease. I saw for the first time that my actions in trying to look after him were actually preventing him from taking care of himself.
“Now believe me, darlings, this step is not an easy one. It can be very painful and raw, bringing all sorts of gunge to the surface. But it is also enlightening and freeing, not to mention a very necessary step towards recovery.
“So, whether you yourself have the drink problem, or you are the loved one of the drinker, we are all in fact addicts of unhealthy behaviour. Otherwise we wouldn’t be sitting here. And that’s pretty tough to hear and to come to terms with.
“May I also add that I continue to this day to carry out a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself on a daily basis. Our work is never done while we are still here on this earth.
“So, only if you feel ready, and using your magazine to rest on, I’d like you to draw a line down the centre of your sheet and on one side write the title ‘my positive attributes’ and on the other side write ‘my flaws’. And then begin to write down all the things about yourself which you consider to be your strengths. Perhaps you’re caring for example, or thoughtful.
“And then on the opposite side of the sheet, really think about how these positive attributes could become negative if taken to the extreme. For example, you are caring, but you care too much and this may prevent someone caring for themselves.
“I must add that this is not about judging or beating ourselves up, and neither is it about feeding the ego. None of us are perfect. We never will be. But we can be better; especially if we accept and let go of our destructive behaviours.”
Whilst listening to Annie’s words, a light bulb moment suddenly occurred. Hand on heart, up until then, I had truly believed that all the bad things which had happened in my life had been unfairly thrown at me and I couldn’t understand why. I had never once considered that m
y actions may also have played a significant part.
Perhaps life wasn’t so cruel after all. And maybe, if I could summon up the strength to make some changes to the way I behaved, then I could stop feeling like the victim. I could stop dancing to the Devil’s tune and begin to live again.
Chapter Eleven
I lit a candle and shuffled my deck. “Pure Love, please guide me with a loving message for my day ahead.”
I had never really asked for higher guidance in the past, but since my reading with Rose and my sessions with Annie, it suddenly felt like a natural thing to do. I loved my new cards; they really spoke to me, and they helped add a new positive dimension to my life.
As I shuffled away, a card flew out and landed on the floor in front of me. Staring up at me was a beautiful woman with long red hair and bright sparkly green eyes. She was surrounded by four-leafed clovers and was holding something out to me. Beneath her were the words ‘LADY LUCK IS WITH YOU – open your arms to receive’.
Not a bad start to the day, I thought. I could do with some good fortune. “Ok then, Lady Luck, my arms are open to you,” I said aloud, and deliberated on whether to buy my lottery ticket before or after work.
Wednesday had soon come around again, and I was feeling much lighter having worked with the four steps we’d learnt so far. I certainly felt less lonely, and also positive in the knowledge that I could transform my own behaviour for the better. I had made a conscious decision not to read up on the eight remaining steps as I think I would have felt overwhelmed. But at the same time, I was keen to discover what was coming next.
Annie gave us all a warm welcome as usual. “Well, darlings, we have much to cover this evening, but before I run away with myself, I’d like to know whether you are all ok with the use of the term God? What does God mean for you?” She turned her attention to Shane the Mane who didn’t seem so closed off this week.
“I think I’ve got my head around it now thanks, Annie. Our chat last week definitely helped, and I feel very comfortable to picture my late mum when I say the word God. I hope she’s looking down on me and I feel able to ask her for help. I was only twenty when she passed away and I still miss her every day. She was a wonderful woman – loving and brave…all the things I’m not really.”
Annie sat forward with interest, her large bust, encased in a scarlet red jumper, protruding ahead all the more. “Well that’s fabulous, darling. We just need to find something that feels right for us. Is everyone else ok with that?’
We all nodded happily.
“Right then. I think it’s time to discuss Step Five: We admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.”
She peered up from her glasses, glancing around the room, checking our reactions. “So, folks, another big ask. How do we feel about this one? Would anyone like to share?”
Shane the Mane raised his hand. He seemed to have left the bravado at home this week and looked somewhat downtrodden.
“Annie, the thought of this step scares the hell out of me. I really don’t want to go there, but I know I’ll have to if I want to change. And believe me, I do. I’ve had enough of living like this.”
“Well, darling, that’s perfectly natural. Resistance will most definitely come into play with this step for all of us. Now, Shane, do you feel up to sharing your difficulties with the group?”
Shane nodded, realising it was now or never.
“Yeah, ok. Well, my issue is that I rely on women, pornography and sex to pick me up.”
Mousey Martha looked uncomfortable, turning her knees in the opposite direction.
“Whenever I feel low, I head out to one of the local bars, and pick up a woman. There’s always plenty of them about; unhappy housewives, looking for a bit of attention, all dressed up, you know.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t treat them badly or anything. I give ‘em a good time and we have a laugh, but I never give them my number. I never want to get close to them emotionally. It’s just a physical desire that makes me feel manly and worthwhile at the time. Women are beautiful creatures, but they are dangerous too, so an even safer option is to watch them on screen, and get off on that, but when all the fun is over, I just feel cheap and even worse than before. And so the cycle continues – I go out looking for a woman who might just make me feel a bit better about myself.
“The trouble is, I’m forty-seven now. I don’t want to live this way any more. But this addiction is hard to break, and I need help.
“Now, what you say about Step Five freaks me right out. It’s bad enough admitting to you guys that I’m addicted to sex and porn, and use women for their bodies, but to admit this to my God, my mum, who would probably be mortified at the way I’m living, is making me feel physically sick. I guess that means I make myself feel sick really.”
Annie interjected, “Don’t forget, darling, we’re talking about our behaviour, and we all have the power to change our behaviour. What you’ve just done is very brave. It takes great courage to stand there and admit you’re not perfect. And that does make you a man, Shane, it really does. And I’m sure we all respect you for that. We are not here to judge you or anyone else. We are here to help and support.”
Annie turned to the group. “So, leading on from Shane’s sharing, let us also look at Step Six: We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
“Are we ready to do this?
“Because when, and only when, we are ready to surrender in this way, we can combine Steps Six and Seven: By humbly asking Him to remove our shortcomings.
“Now this is something I’d like you to go home and work on this week. As always, please don’t hesitate to call if you’re struggling with anything.”
She handed us all a sheet with Steps Five to Seven boldly printed on it, and sent us on our way.
* * *
I decided to ring the bus bell a stop early so I could buy a lottery ticket from the late-night newsagent’s. Feeling lucky, I pushed the boat out and bought myself two.
The extra walk home was bitterly cold, and I hoped my ‘investment’ had been worth it. I pushed open the door to find a handwritten letter on the mat, peeking out from the less interesting-looking items of mail.
My stomach churned with anxiety and disbelief as I recognised the writing. The card was from Deb. Just when I started to feel a little more in control of things, my sister decides to show up and shove those painful images back in my face. So much for Lady Luck.
I peeled open the envelope, dreading whatever lay inside. I was greeted by the words on the front of the card: ‘I’m Sorry’, with a picture of a cute puppy glancing upwards at me. As I opened it, a piece of paper flew out and onto the sofa. I’d get to that in a moment, I thought, and focused my attention on Deb’s message:
Dear Jude,
I hope you’re ok. I really am so very sorry for what happened. I don’t know what I was thinking and I feel awful about it.
Anyway, I’m not writing for your forgiveness, but I wanted you to know that I’ve decided to move closer to Mum and have put Dad’s house on the market. Obviously, you are entitled to half, so I’ll let you know when the sale has completed and we can sort this out.
Meanwhile, Dad’s premium bonds finally paid out and he won £14,000 in this month’s draw! I’d like you to have the money, Jude – the cheque’s enclosed.
I’ll be in touch.
Deb xxx
Chapter Twelve
We arrived to find the village hall lights dimmed low, with flickering candles dotted around the room, and gentle music playing softly in the background.
At the foot of our seats lay a piece of paper and a pen, which led us to conclude that we weren’t just here for a rest; there was more work to be done.
“Right, darlings, I’d like you all to remove your shoes and pop them under your chairs please. We’re going to start the evening off with a meditation.
“Now get yourselves comfy, rest your hands in your l
aps, and close your eyes. Begin to breathe deeply and slowly, allowing your body and mind to relax. Feel your feet flat on the solid ground beneath you.
“If you feel comfortable to, please ask your God as you understand Him to be present with you, and feel safe in the knowledge that you are not alone.
“Now I’d like you to bring into your mind, anyone who you think you may have harmed during your journey to this present day, and allow those images to come forward. Don’t fight against them, or allow your mental dialogue to take over, just let them be with you and your God. Keep your heart open and breathe these feelings in. Don’t be afraid. These feelings are part of you.
“Now, when you feel ready, begin to bring your attention back to the room, opening your eyes. And if you feel ok to do so, please make a list of anyone who showed up as being someone you may have harmed.”
I opened my eyes from what had been an enlightening experience. During the meditation, I had come to realise that I may have harmed my family for not involving them in my wedding, and for moving away to India without much contact. I could see why Deb might have felt pushed out, and then jealous when Dad became ill and wanted me with him. Maybe she even blamed me on some level for his illness.
And maybe I had harmed Matt greatly by giving him all of my undivided attention, and then taking it away from him in an instant, leaving him to fend for himself.
I was so engrossed in my realisation and in my list-writing that I was oblivious to what anyone else was doing. Annie, however, was not.
“Martha, darling, are you ok? Can I help you with anything?”
I glanced up to find Mousey Martha looking furious, her face red and her arms firmly crossed. In the short time I had known her, she’d never looked so colourful or interesting. “I’m sorry, Annie, but I really do not see why I should sit here feeling bad, when it’s my son who’s at fault.”