by Barnard, Jo
“It must have taken courage for your friend to say that to you, Guy. Did his words penetrate in some way?” asked Ray. “You know, deep down, did you realise that something was up? That he spoke the truth?”
“Not at all, mate,” answered Guy, smiling. “You see, denial was another friend to me.” Ray nodded, satisfied with his answer.
Martha fidgeted in her chair before interjecting. “But, was there anything anyone could’ve said to you to make a difference? You know, to shake you and wake you up?”
“Sadly no, my love. You see, addiction is a mental illness. It’s not a rational thing. And so to try and try to make an addict see sense by reasoning with them is just a waste of energy. They can’t, and frankly don’t want to, see what you see.” Martha looked to the floor, crossing her arms and legs in defeat.
“Anyway, things went from bad to worse, and the following year, after a two-week bender, with no recollection of anything, my mum put me in a psychiatric ward. Wanting to please her, I went along for the break, but I fully intended to go on another bender as soon as I came out. That intention kept me going.
“Anyway, around that time, my best mate was due to get married, and knowing all about the hospital admission, he made it very clear that I’d be very welcome at the wedding, so long as I didn’t drink. I decided to go, and managed to hold it together, but secretly drank without them knowing. All I could think at that time was ‘poor me’. I was completely self-obsessed.
“Then I started seeing another girl. She had a friend who gave me a job. He was a lovely bloke who recognised I had a similar problem to his dad. We spoke about it and I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous with my girlfriend once a week. At this point I wasn’t drinking at all.
“So had I turned a corner? Absolutely not! On the outside it appeared that I was in recovery, but in fact, I was only going through the motions to please other people. I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was what’s known as a ‘dry drunk’; a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode.
“A: I didn’t want to stop drinking, and B: attending a meeting once a week was no way enough to support my needs. Anyway, I felt that my girlfriend was trying to control me. We had a massive row at Christmas and I drank for a whole week, blacking out. At this point I was placed on suicide watch.
“I pulled myself around again and returned to work, with no one around me, other than my boss, knowing what was going on. But it wasn’t long before I went on a four-week-long bender on my own in my flat. Eventually, my dad found me in the bath and called the doctor, who got me in to hospital where I spent the next two weeks healing physically. I can honestly say that at this point, I still didn’t think I had a problem.
“A nurse asked me if I wanted a drink, and I said I didn’t, so they let me out. It was true that I didn’t want to drink at that point, but as soon as I was out of hospital, I got addicted to sex sites instead – anything to fill this void in me. I went six weeks without a drink, and I met a girl online. She was young and mentally screwed up, and so began another cycle; boozing, not turning up to work, letting people down. My parents wanted to section me, but fortunately it never came to that.
“My dad, who in many respects had been responsible for a lot of pain and devastation through my life, had recently met a lady who was a recovering alcoholic, and he put us in touch. He actually came up trumps for once! And it seemed like divine timing. During a long chat with her, something clicked, and I went along to a meeting. I had finally had enough of living like this. This was my awakening point, and I remember driving along three days after the meeting and thinking to myself, ‘Do you know what, Guy? Life ain’t actually all that bad.’
“But the recovery took time, and I soon fell off the wagon again. I went to a work’s event, drank five bottles of wine, drove home completely off my face, and was paranoid that I must’ve killed someone on route. I lost five days.
“But I returned to regular AA meetings, and took all of the steps in, absorbing them like a sponge and embracing them wholeheartedly. It was the spirituality of these meetings that began to fill my soul. Finally I was doing this for me. It was safe to be myself with these other people who understood completely. I could leave the ego behind. I had nothing to prove when I was there. But then I had to learn to introduce these steps into my everyday life. They had to become an intrinsic part of who I was, and who I am.
“After a while, I connected with a fella who later became my sponsor; someone I can turn to with any of life’s up and downs. Someone who reminds me constantly about looking after myself and retaining healthy and essential boundaries. Someone who was honest enough to tell me I might as well have had ‘fuck off’ tattooed on my forehead when I first came along to a meeting!
“And you guys are fortunate to have that in Annie. She won’t mince her words. Her honesty is the greatest love you’ll ever know.
“Anyway, folks, it’s been a real pleasure to meet you all. I’ve got to get off now I’m afraid, as I still attend regular meetings myself, which have to remain my number-one commitment. But please, if you have any questions, or want to discuss anything over the coming week, then don’t hesitate to give me a call. I’d be delighted to help if I can.”
He wrote his number out on several scraps of paper, ensuring we all had one, and swiftly left the room, throwing his jacket on as he went.
Chapter Fifteen
I poked my head around the pale blue curtain which surrounded Annie’s hospital bed. The smell of the ward took me back to the many hours of sitting at my dad’s bedside, and my stomach churned with nerves.
Annie’s face brightened as I walked towards her and she flung her arms open.
“Hello, my darling,” she said, squeezing me tight. “How lovely of you to visit me.” Her warm welcome settled me down in an instant.
“Annie, I’ve been so worried. We all have. I mean, the thought that we could have lost you. Thank heavens you’re ok.”
“I must admit, I thought my time was up too, darling, but no. He doesn’t want me yet; Him upstairs. He reckons I’ve still got more work to do down here. Quite frankly, I’m exhausted with it all.” She chuckled to herself.
“Well, I’m glad He doesn’t want you. I don’t know what we’d all do if you weren’t here.”
“You’d all do very well, my dear. It’s hard sometimes, but we have to accept that all good things come to an end. And when they end, wonderful new things have room to take their place.”
“Nothing could replace you, Annie. You’re our angel.”
We spent some time chatting about general things; Annie telling me all about a wonderful documentary she’d watched last night, and then relaying some funny stories about the various characters on the ward.
I told her a bit about my job and my friendship with Saffie, explaining how difficult it was to watch her struggle, and hoping I might be able to help her out in time.
Annie cleared her throat and peered down her nose intently at me. I could tell she had something serious on her mind. “What is it that you want for yourself, Jude, darling? How do you want your life to be?”
Her words took me by surprise a little, and I mulled over the question. “I guess I just want to be happy. I want to feel good about myself, and to be loved for who I am.”
“Now, listen to me carefully, Jude – this is important. I want you to understand that you, my darling, are a powerful creator. You may not believe it, but you are. You have all the tools you need to manifest something amazing; to bring about the life you so want. You just need to direct your focus, believe in yourself and be grateful for everything you have. It’s very simple; you just have to believe it.
“And I know you will. I have every faith in you. One hundred percent. Now off you go, darling, I need some sleep. These drugs they’re pumping me full of are making me feel ever so queer.”
Taking her hand, I stood up and kissed her on the forehead, inwardly smiling at her use of language.
“Hurry up and get yourself well, Ann
ie. We’re all missing you. Everyone loves you so much you know.”
Smiling, she nodded and closed her eyes.
Chapter Sixteen
As I headed out of my flat for work, my cards caught my eye and beckoned me to interact. With only a minute or two to spare before I missed my bus, I gave them a quick shuffle and asked for some guidance for my day ahead with Saffie.
I picked a card and popped it in my bag, closing the door behind me. It was only when I got on the bus that I looked at it properly. It showed a picture of a bow and arrow, firing at a target, accompanied by the words ‘TIME FOR ACTION – you can do it!’
I had a pretty good idea what this was about. It was time to put some ideas to my friend on how I could help her.
“You look rather pleased with yourself this morning, Judith. How was Annie?”
“Annie’s doing ok thanks, Saff. She’s very tired, but her spirits are good and I think she’ll be ok you know.”
“That’s wonderful, honey. I’m pleased for you.” Saffie looked ashen-faced. “Listen, Jude, I think we need to have a chat. I’ve been sweeping this problem under the carpet for long enough, and it’s time I shared it with you.”
“Well then, shoot. I’m all ears.”
“The thing is, honey, I’ve finally summoned up the courage and strength to write some figures down, and as I feared, it hasn’t made for pretty reading.”
“Go on.”
“Well, in order for Sol and I to eat well, heat our home and pay the bills, I looks like I’ll need to make a really difficult decision. Either I sell the shop and get a permanent part-time job that fits around school hours, or I swallow the rent rise and sever my overheads.
“But whichever choice I make, it’s going to have an impact on you, and that’s the last thing I ever wanted to happen.” Tears welled up in Saffie’s eyes. “It’s just, however I look at it; whether I turn it inside out or upside down, I’m going to have to let you down in some way.”
I rubbed Saffie’s arm in a ‘there there’ motion and smiled. “Saff, you’re not letting me down. It’s just time for a change that’s all. So tell me, sweetheart, what’s your preferred option – selling up or not?”
Saffie took a big breath in and let out a huge sigh, seeming relieved at my calmness. “Well, I think all of this has made me realise how much I love the shop. And not just the shop itself, but the customers, the suppliers, and the products too. I still enjoy working here and doing this, Jude.
“But then I think about the flip side you see, and I know full well that I couldn’t juggle the shop and Sol’s needs without a flexible and reliable member of staff. And there’s no one I’d rather work with than you. So I go around in a big circle and can’t seem to come to any clear conclusions.”
“Well then, allow me to help. Look, Saff, I’ve been thinking…”
“Sounds dangerous,” she winked through her tears.
“…and I have a little idea to put to you. Now, I don’t know if it would work or not, but I think it’s worth discussing.”
Saffie sat up in anticipation, looking hopeful.
“You see, I think we’re a bit of a force to be reckoned with, you and me. And I think that Mr Landlord’s greed isn’t enough to destroy things here.”
“Right?”
“And I was thinking about our stock room, and how we might be able to put it to better use.”
“Ok? …”
“Well, I wondered whether we could clear it out and introduce a service. Like a therapy room or something. We could offer readings on one day, massage on another and so on, and open late a couple of evenings a week perhaps. You know, get therapists in, and maybe Rose too.”
“Jude, it sounds like a lovely idea and it definitely has some mileage. But these things take time to get going. And I need the money now. Sorry, honey, I don’t want to put a dampener on things, but I don’t think it’s an immediate solution.”
“Well that’s the bit I was coming too. You see, I’ve just got a bit of money through from my sister. You know, from Dad. It’s not loads, and I need most of it to clear some debts and get straight myself, but it’s enough that I don’t need to take a wage from you for a few months, and there’s more to come when his house is sold.”
“Really? Well, how’s that going to work then? I can’t expect you to work for nothing.”
“But maybe you could if I was an investor. Or a partner perhaps?”
Saffie’s eyes lit up. “Well there’s no one I’d rather share my business with than you, Jude, and it’s a lovely thought, but how could it work?”
“Well, that’s what we need to decide Saff – explore a few options and see if it’s possible.”
We sat with our heads together for the rest of the day, brainstorming ideas and whittling them down to the ones that may work financially. Both Saffie and I were buzzing with excitement at the prospect of a brighter future. I was ready for a new challenge, and she was ready for some help.
By closing time, we had a short list of favourite options:-
1. We could shift some stock by holding a heavily discounted Christmas shopping evening, generating some cash and clearing out the stock room at the same time. We were already in the latter stages of November, so this one had to happen straight away. Then future stock could be housed in the kitchen, under the shop counter, and if need be, at Saffie’s place.
2. I would focus all my energies on getting the therapy room up and running for the new year. Decorating it, employing therapists, and spreading the word with emails and leaflets. I would take my wage from Dad’s winnings, leaving Jude to sort out the rent.
3. I would run the therapy room as my part of the business, and any profits would cover my wages and marketing. I would still work in the shop, being available to manage things when Saffie couldn’t be around. And Saffie would still be responsible for paying all of the rent but not have to pay me a wage.
4. We would both pay the rent and share the profits from both sides of the business equally.
We were pretty much agreed on options one and two. We just had to decide how to manage things financially. Things were looking up, and the cards had been right. Two heads were better than one.
Chapter Seventeen
A loud rap at the door woke me with a jump. It was eight-thirty on a Sunday morning; the one day of the week I liked to lie in and catch up on some precious zeds. Perhaps if I ignored it, they would get the hint and disappear.
Giving in to their persistence, I dragged myself up, flung my dressing gown around my shoulders and tentatively opened the door.
“Morning, love. This letter came for you yesterday. It needed signing for, so I signed it on your behalf. Hope that’s alright.”
Through bleary eyes, I relieved the kind chap from next door of the said envelope, mustering the most gracious smile I could manage given the circumstances, and thanking him as he disappeared back to his flat. Blinking heavily to clear the mist, I realised that the letter was from India. My heart raced madly and my palms started to sweat. Could this be from Matt? It was impossible to tell from the printed label. Kicking the door shut behind me, I decided a coffee was in order before I took the plunge in finding out.
While the kettle was boiling, I picked a card, feeling the need for some kind of support. Three women in a celebratory embrace appeared before me, along with the message: ‘SISTERHOOD – friendship is a blessing to be cherished’.
I thumbed open the envelope to find a handwritten letter from Meeta and a photo of her, sitting with Gulab on her garden wall in Patiala, smiling. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, I poured my coffee and began to read.
Hello, dear Jude.
We are so happy to hear from you. We have been worried when we hear you are not returning to Punjab. We want to say sorry for you losing your father. Gulab tells me how hard this is and I find it painful to imagine. And we hear from Matt that you stay with your family in England for now. He tell me you are fine but I feel that this may not be true.
Gulab has missed your visitations. And I miss you every day, especially at yoga class. We are both very happy to hear that you may come back to Patiala to see us again. We think this is wonderful.
It gets cold here now. Nearly winter time. Not like the sunshine you see when you were here! Our winter be very sunny if you come to see us. You know you are always being welcome.
Love and blessings from Patiala.
Your friend, Meeta xxx
Warm tears trickled down my chilly face as I looked at the photo of my two special friends, and I felt a wonderful sense of peace that all was well between us. As soon as Dad’s house was sold, I would be there like a shot.
Life seemed pretty good at the moment; much brighter than it had in a long time. Saffie seemed much less stressed, and we both looked forward to our exciting new venture together. Annie was out of hospital and back at home now, with a carer visiting once a day to make her bed and help her get ready until she was strong enough to do it for herself again. And I drew strength every day from the steps we had learnt, which seemed to fit nicely with my cards too. I didn’t feel alone, and I felt supported and guided by Pure Love.
There was still one thing that continued to haunt me though, and that was Matt. On the one hand I hated him for what he and Deb had done, but yet another part of me still longed for him. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling for anyone else what I’d felt with Matt. My need was overwhelming and I still longed for his touch and yearned for his closeness.
But whenever I got like this, I found it useful to return to the Serenity Prayer, focusing on the acceptance of this situation that I could not change. It didn’t stop the feelings, but it did bring comfort.
Annie had messaged the group to still meet up on Wednesday, and we all arrived to find The Great Raymondo looking particularly jolly. As we made ourselves a cuppa in the kitchen, he needed no prompting.
“I found out on Monday that my job is safe!”