by Barnard, Jo
I scrunch-dried my hair into natural waves and loosely braided the front section from one side to the other, giving the impression of a headband, which looked really pretty. I decided to play it down on the clothing front – casual but feminine, opting for black leggings and knee-high boots, a long, oyster-pink fluffy jumper which fell off the shoulder, my favourite moonstone pendant, an across-the-body beaded bag, and an array of skinny bangles.
I spent time on my eye makeup, creating smoky grey lids with feline black liner, and finishing the look with a sheer pearlescent lip gloss, perfect for kissing. Feeling totally gorgeous and rather excited, I changed the bedding and spritzed the room with a warm and sensuous amber musk, feeling totally ready to commit to new beginnings.
When I saw him pull into the car park, I made my way downstairs and jumped into the passenger seat.
“Ooh, you smell nice, Jude. Even better than my car freshener!” He winked. “How was your day?”
“Hectic! Still, shouldn’t grumble. How was yours?”
“Mine was busy too, tying everything up for the Christmas break. I’m off now until the new year. So pleased to finally have some time out.”
“Ooh, lucky you. Mind you, I finish tomorrow and have a few days’ rest to look forward to.”
“Cool. What you doing for Christmas?”
“Going to Saffie’s. We have our day planned out nicely. I’ll turn up in my pyjamas late morning for a sherry while we get the dinner on the go, then we’ll spend some time with Sol, then stuff our faces with calories galore, before falling asleep on the sofa with a wine or two. I’ll crash round there and spend Boxing Day recovering. How about you?”
“Ooh, well, mine will be a tad more sober than yours. In fact, I’m just gonna order myself a monster curry and vegetate on the sofa with Phoebe.”
“What, you’re spending it alone?”
“Yeah; it’s through choice though, Jude, so no violins please. I did get an invite round me mum’s, but my sisters will be over there and I can’t be doing with all their dramas. Don’t get me wrong, I do care about them, but they demand an awful lot of attention, and I’m kind of done with all that if you get what I mean.”
“Totally. Sometimes it’s healthier to love people from a distance.”
“You’re absolutely right there, Jude. If people don’t want to help themselves, it’s detrimental to your own recovery to get too involved. I like to picture a bridge in my mind, and see myself crossing to a place of recovery, then telling the person I care about to join me when they’re ready to do the same.”
“That’s a good one. Only sometimes it’s probably best if they don’t ever join you!”
“Are you referring to your ex by any chance?”
“However did you guess?! Anyway, enough about him. What we going to see tonight?”
“Life of Pi. Hope that’s ok. Have you read the book?”
“Can’t say I have.”
“Well you must. It’s wonderful. And I’m hoping the film will do it justice.”
Guy bought us a huge milkshake each and a tub of popcorn to share, and we both got totally absorbed in the film. He was right, the story was amazing and incredibly thought-provoking, and all the way home, we debated over which version of the story we each believed to be true.
“Well, here you go, madame,” announced Guy as we reached the flats. “Can I walk you to your door?”
With butterflies in my tummy, I replied, “That would be very kind. What a gentleman you are.”
He gave me his elbow and I linked my arm through his as we ascended the stairs.
“Care for a coffee?” I asked as I turned the key in the door.
“Ah, thanks for the offer, Jude, but you have work tomorrow. Get yourself some sleep and maybe we’ll catch up over Christmas, eh?!”
“Oh, ok then. Errr…yes…let’s do that then.”
Although Guy’s words were kind, I couldn’t help but feel rejected, disappointed and deflated, particularly as I’d gone to incredible lengths to look my best from every angle, and to smell positively delicious. And as we waved goodbye to each other, I felt utterly confused as to what our relationship actually was.
Unable to get to sleep, I tried applying some logic to the situation. Without a shadow of a doubt we were friends, and good ones at that. And Guy obviously cared about me and enjoyed my company or he wouldn’t have invited me out. But maybe that was as far as he wanted it to go for now. After all, an interested male would surely jump at the chance of a welcome invitation at the end of an evening date. No, I didn’t get it, and I hardly got a wink of sleep, trying to figure it out.
I picked a card for guidance as soon as I got up. It said ‘CONFIDENCE – be bold and take charge’ and showed a picture of a fearless cougar. But my head was so muddled that I didn’t really have a clue about how that related to me. With a heavy heart, I trundled off to the shop, hoping I would find the energy to function effectively today.
“Blimey, you look tired! Been up all night have you, Judith?”
Saffie’s teasing was always well-meant, and had things gone to plan, I would probably have giggled and blushed profusely. But instead, I felt like crying, and I hated feeling this vulnerable again. I shook my head, letting her know that all was not great.
“I can’t make head nor tail of it all, Saff. We get on so well. Conversation is interesting but easy at the same time. We share the same sense of humour and the same spiritual interests. He invites me out, picks me up, treats me like a lady, walks me home like a true gent, and then nothing advances further than a quick peck on the cheek. I guess he just wants to be friends.”
“Like hell he does! Jude, he’s not blind. Bloody hell, look at you; you’re totally gorgeous on the inside and out. What man in their right mind wouldn’t want a slim, beautiful, compassionate young woman with a mane of long golden locks on his arm?” She scratched her head. “Right, there’s one of two reasons why not. Either he’s gay, or he’s not being completely straight with you. Haha! Get it? He’s either gay or not straight!!!”
I managed a semi smile at Saffie’s daftness. “Well I’m pretty sure he’s not gay.”
“So then, talk to him. Find out what’s going on. He likes you, Jude – anyone could tell that a mile off.”
“Well, Annie said that too. Only she hinted that he might be worried about setting me back.”
“Well, even more reason to talk to him then. Be honest, Jude. Tell him you feel confused.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Maybe he thinks friendship is easier to handle. You know, keeping things simple.”
“Haha! My sentiments exactly! Life is definitely simpler being single. But that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. And I think that you and Guy would make the perfect match. Honestly, you’d make the most beautiful babies.”
I laughed. “So what do you think I should do then?”
“Call him. Invite him over, or ask if you could call in at his place. Take a deep breath and just go for it.”
A steady flow of last-minute Christmas shoppers put our conversation on hold, but deep down I knew that I couldn’t ignore the sentiments of my best friend and my cards. I was sure they were right. It was time to be bold and to take charge.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The previous evening, I had referred to and worked through the twelve steps, praying only for what Pure Love wanted for me, and the will to carry it out. I knew I had to speak with Guy and clarify things, but I also knew that I would just have to accept his reply, whatever that would be.
I had also called Raymondo and we’d chatted about what was going on for us both. Discussing the other’s issues, and relating them to the ‘just for today’ concept, really helped to put things into perspective. Emotions always seemed to be heightened at this time of year. I guess it was the expectation to have the perfect Christmas. My definition of a perfect Christmas would be to know where I stood with Guy, and then to enjoy a fun and relaxing day with Saffie. But today was Chris
tmas Eve, so time was of the essence.
I messaged Guy, asking if we could meet for a chat. Either I could go to him, or he could come to me. Other than wrapping a few gifts for tomorrow, my day was free, and it was good to not have any time constraints for a change. My tummy turned summersaults in anticipation of his reply, but rather than getting completely stressed out, I took deep breaths and allowed these feelings to be my guide.
I kept asking Pure Love to be with me and to work through me to resolve any upsets and restore me to harmony, and I only had to wait a few minutes before Guy messaged me back.
‘Hi, Jude. Of course we can have a chat. Probably easier if I come to you. Be there in an hour if that’s ok. See you then. G’
I felt relieved at the prospect of getting things sorted, and a little nervous about what I would say, but something told me that whatever happened, things would be ok. I tidied the flat and wrapped up the black onyx key ring I’d bought for Guy, popping it into a cute little silver box with a tiny black bow. It was an inexpensive but meaningful gesture and I hoped he’d like it.
I opened the door to find him looking a little more serious than usual. His eyes weren’t quite so twinkly, but he still managed a little joke.
“You called…?”
“Thanks for coming over, Guy. Come in. Let’s have a cuppa and a chat.”
“Everything ok, Jude?”
“Everything’s fine. It’s just, I’m feeling a little…well…confused.”
“Well we can’t have that now, can we? What’s up?”
“Well…oh hell, I’m just going to come out and say it. I’m confused about you and me. We seem to get on so well, and I’m very comfortable with you, and I think you’re comfortable with me too, and we’re spending lots of time together, and we’re both single, and you asked me out to the cinema, and I thought….”
“You thought things might progress and they haven’t?”
“Well…yes. It’s just that things seemed to be going so well on Friday evening. I’d kind of assumed it was a date. But then I invited you in and…”
“And I declined and you felt rejected.”
“Errr…yes. And I feel like I just need to know what we are to each other. If you want to keep it as friendship then that’s ok; I can accept that. It just feels…”
“Like we should be more than friends?”
“Exactly.”
“Well I guess I haven’t been very fair to you by not explaining myself clearly then have I? And for that, I’m truly sorry. And I’m glad you’ve prompted this conversation because you know what us blokes are like. If there’s a problem, we disappear into our caves until we have a clear solution.”
“And do you have a clear solution?”
“No, but I do have an explanation.”
“Ok. Well then, I’d really like to hear it. I mean, to understand how you feel.”
I passed him his coffee and we both sat down.
“Right. Well first of all, Jude, I really like you. I think you’re beautiful and kind and smart and funny. In fact, you’re pretty much my definition of a perfect woman.”
“Ok?” I felt myself blush, wondering what was coming next.
“And I’d really like to more than friends. I mean, I’d really like that. More than anything.”
“But?”
“But, I’m frightened of sabotaging things; of ruining what we have; of hurting you.”
“Ok. Well, how do you mean?”
“Look, you know I’m very open about my past. When I’m drunk, I’m a complete and utter bastard. And I have to keep my focus on not slipping back there – you know, to be the person I want to be.”
“And that person is very kind and considerate and charming.”
“Well, thank you, that’s what I’d like to think, but I haven’t always been this person.”
“And I understand that, Guy. And that’s ok with me.”
“But it’s not ok if I hurt you. You’re just too special. And as I explained to you at the meeting, I’ve hurt a lot of women. I’ve treated women like shit.”
“But that’s in the past.”
“Yes, but I need you to know what I’m like at my worst, Jude. I didn’t just go missing when I was drunk, I was out looking for prostitutes and sleeping with them. It was my mission. I had no respect for any party involved, least of all me. But now I’m in recovery, I have to pray every day to release the guilt and shame of it. Jude, I never want to treat a lady like that again, or involve anyone in my acts of self-indulgence.”
“And so it’s easier to be single.”
“Yes it is. That way I can’t hurt anyone.”
“And what if that someone sees you for who you truly are, and they believe you’ve changed.”
“But that’s the thing, Jude. That selfish arsehole is still a part of who I am. If I slipped back, I could be that person again tomorrow. I can only be the nice me for today. That’s all I can promise you – that today I will be sober and kind, and loving, and focused. But I can’t promise any more. And that just doesn’t feel good enough for anyone, let alone for someone as amazing as you. I can’t offer you a future, Jude. I’m too afraid.”
“Well, what if I’m prepared to take that chance? After all, Guy, we both know that today is all there really is. And all we can both do is to be honest about how we’re feeling, be that good or bad.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“And I can tell you that, just for today, I’d quite like to kiss you.”
Guy’s frown quickly transformed into a cheeky smile. “Honestly, woman, what are you doing to me?”
His phone rang. “Do you mind if I take this? It’s a close friend from the fellowship.”
“Be my guest.” Feeling a lot lighter from understanding the full picture, I took our mugs to the kitchen and flicked the kettle on again. It was thirsty work all this talking. But I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation.
“Hello, mate. You ok? What?!” He sounded shocked. “Oh God, ok. Right. Right. Ok, I’ll let them know. Yep. Oh, God. Ok, mate. Take care and call me if I can do anything else to help. Ok then, bye now.”
I walked back in the room and noticed that Guy was ashen-faced. “Everything ok?”
“Errr…not really. Jude, it’s Annie.”
“What about her? What’s happened?”
“She had another massive heart attack in the night. Managed to call an ambulance. Got rushed to hospital and they operated.”
“Well, how’s she doing? Can we visit her?”
“Jude, she didn’t make it. They couldn’t save her. Annie’s dead.”
“What? She can’t be. Not Annie. Noooooooo.” Guy stood up and held me as we sobbed our hearts out into each other.
“Apparently, just before she went, she said that her work here was done.”
“But however will we manage without her? She’s such a force.”
Guy brushed my hair back off my face. “And she still is, Jude. That force will never leave us. Annie’s passed that wisdom on. It was her gift; her legacy. And that knowledge can never die so long as we live by it and keep passing it on to others.”
He kissed my forehead tenderly. “She’s asked that I let everyone know about the funeral. She wanted us all there. She gave a clear verbal list of instructions to the paramedic. I guess she knew her time was up.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m sure everyone will want to be there too. When is it?”
“Possibly the eighth of January, but it won’t be confirmed until after Christmas. The whole world shuts down now doesn’t it? No one’s allowed to die at Christmas.” He let out a big sigh. “She asked if I’d give a reading. God, I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“You’ll be fine, Guy. Perfect in fact. Give yourself some time and the words will come, I’m sure. Now let’s have some sweet tea. They say it’s good for shock.”
As I made our drinks, we shared our memories of Annie. Guy had known her much longer than I had, but th
at seemed irrelevant somehow. She’d had a massive impact on both of our lives, and without a shadow of a doubt, had aided our recoveries.
“I always said she was an Earth Angel,” I smiled. “Only now she’s a heavenly one I guess.”
Guy agreed. I grabbed the silver box from the worktop. “Here. I got this for you. It’s only a little something. Merry Christmas.”
Guy looked touched. “For me? Oh, thanks. That’s really sweet of you. Can I open it?”
“Yes, why not? It’s nearly Christmas after all.”
“It’s beautiful, Jude. Thank you. I’ll pop my keys straight onto it and keep it in my pocket forever. Black onyx, eh? Aren’t crystals supposed to have their own meanings? Any idea what black onyx is supposed to do?”
“Not off the top of my head, no. But my trusty book of crystals will tell us I’m sure. Bear with me a mo.”
I pulled the book down from my shelf and flicked through until I reached the page for onyx. “Onyx is strength-giving. It provides support in difficult or confusing circumstances and during times of enormous mental or physical stress, centring your energy and aligning it with a higher power.”
“Crikey! That sounds pretty darn spot on!”
“Doesn’t it just!” I closed the book and looked up at him. “It’ll be ok you know, Guy.”
“Yeah, I know it will. Thanks for my gift. It’s perfect. And so are you.” He bent down and kissed me tenderly on the lips.
I suddenly had a flashback. “Annie will see us right. She promised me. That was the last thing she said to me.”
We laughed at the irony, enjoyed a hug, and drank our tea. “Tell you what. How about we spend Boxing Day evening together? You know, a proper date. I’ll cook. Make up for being such a muppet.”
“Sounds great. I’ve always had a soft spot for muppets by the way. But, hey, what about Phoebe?”
“Well I guess Miss Phoebe will have to get used to the idea of having you around, won’t she? Merry Christmas, beautiful Jude.”
* * *
Ever the gent, Guy had left me to get on with my last-minute preparations. We were both pretty exhausted from all the emotions, but I felt so relieved we’d been able to talk things through so honestly, and it felt significant that we’d been together when the sad news about Annie came through.