“I can’t do it,” he said flatly.
Her stomach clenched. “You can’t talk to her with me?”
“I can’t do it. This.”
“This?”
“Us.”
Her entire body went rigid. Cold. “Because Sophie didn’t listen to you and ran off?”
“Because I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve them.”
“Seth, that’s just insane.”
“No, it’s not.” He stabbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. “I was starting to let myself off the hook for Adam’s death, and look what happened, Sophie almost gets abducted.”
“She didn’t almost get abduc—”
But he was past listening. “I’m not supposed to have this. Any of this.” He waved his hand around the backyard. “My whole fucking life has been about atonement. I enlisted, I signed up for the most elite training there was, and now I spend my life helping people.”
Bitterness hardened her tone. “You’re not helping me or the twins by leaving us.”
He stubbornly shook his head. “You’ll be better off. I’m not meant to have any of this. Love, children, a family. I don’t deserve it.”
Agony seized her heart, bringing tears to her eyes. Lord, she didn’t know what to say to him. Didn’t know how to change his mind, how to show him how irrational he was being, how completely wrong he was.
But Seth didn’t even give her a chance to formulate a response. He stood up, his shoulders stiffer than boards. “If I stay, I’ll end up hurting you. So I have to go.”
The tears spilled over. “I can’t believe this.”
“I love you, Miranda, but I don’t deserve you, and I can’t take the risk that one day I might end up hurting you or the twins.”
He paused only to plant a soft kiss on her forehead, to gently touch her cheek with his calloused hand, and then he left the backyard.
A minute later, she heard the sound of a car engine rumbling to life.
And then silence.
22
“Mom, wake up! Mom! Wake up, wake up, wake up! Mo-om!”
Miranda opened her eyes to find Sophie standing at the foot of the bed, bouncing around like a pogo stick. She still wore her pink cotton PJ’s, her hair was mussed up from sleep and she was packing a scary amount of energy in that little body of hers.
“What is it?” Miranda asked sleepily.
“We hafta go dancing. Ginny called and said it’s late and why aren’t we there.”
It took a moment to notice her phone in Sophie’s hand.
Rubbing her tired eyes, she slid up into a sitting position. “You answered Mommy’s phone?”
“Mmm-hmmm. ’Cause it was ringing and ringing and ringing—”
“I told her not to but she didn’t listen.” Jason barreled into the room in his Spiderman pajamas.
Glancing at the clock, Miranda realized that not only had she slept through the alarm, she’d overslept by three hours. It was ten o’clock. Holy shit. Her first lesson of the day started in a half hour.
She flew out of bed, ready to do the impossible by getting her and the kids out the door in ten minutes flat, but then she froze in the middle of the room, the heartbreaking events of last night rushing to the forefront of her brain.
Seth had broken up with her.
He’d actually broken up with her.
Suddenly the last thing she felt like doing today was dancing.
With a sigh, she lowered herself to the edge of the bed. “Actually, guys, I’m not feeling too well today. I think I’m going to call Ginny and tell her to cancel today’s lessons. At least for my students.”
Sophie’s bottom lip dropped out. “But I wanna dance.”
“But I have a game,” Jason reminded her.
“You can still go. Coach Diaz is picking you up at noon for the game.” Normally she brought Jason to the school with her and Sophie, and the coach picked him up from there, but she’d have to call and ask Diaz to come here instead.
As for her daughter, she offered a remorseful look. “Mommy’s not feeling well at all. Neither of us will be dancing today, sweetie. But we can still have fun. We’ll stay home and watch movies and then we’ll go to the field and cheer for your brother.”
Jason pumped his fist with excitement. “You never get to see a whole game! Will Sef come too?”
An arrow of sorrow pierced her heart. “I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“Will he take us for ice cream after, like last week?” Sophie asked.
“No, I don’t think he’ll do that either.” Her throat closed up and she had to swallow several times before she could talk again. “Come sit with me, guys.”
The twins bounded over, flopping down on either side of her. She looked from her daughter to her son, and let out a shaky breath. “Seth might not be coming around that much anymore.” If ever, but she didn’t say that.
“Why not?” Jason asked in confusion.
Sophie, on the other hand, didn’t look confused at all. Her lip began to tremble. “Mommy?”
“What is it?” The tears clinging to Sophie’s lashes triggered a rush of concern. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“It’s my fault Sef’s not coming! I made him mad at the carnival ’cause I wanted to see the ponies and I ran away!” Sophie gulped for air. “And now he hates us again!”
“Oh, baby, he doesn’t hate you. He never hated you. Seth told me all about what happened yesterday.” She injected a stern note into her voice. “I’m not happy that you ran away from Seth, but I promise you, that’s not what this is about.”
“Yes it is,” Sophie insisted.
“No, it isn’t. I promise.”
“Is it my fault?” Jason demanded.
A sigh slipped out. “Guys. Neither of you did anything wrong. Seth cares about you, he cares about you a lot. This is between your mom and Seth. It’s a whole bunch of boring grown-up stuff that you don’t need to worry about, understand?”
They nodded.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen, or when we’ll see him again, but even if we don’t, it doesn’t matter. Want to know why?”
Both kids looked at her with curious eyes.
“Because we have each other.” She kissed the top of Jason’s head, then Sophie’s. “We’re the three musketeers, remember? The three amigos. The three stooges.”
“The three little pigs!” Sophie piped up.
“The three zombies!” Jason chimed in.
Miranda chose not to point out that his contribution wasn’t a real thing. Instead, she smiled and said, “So what’s the magic word?”
“Three,” the twins said in unison.
“Three,” she confirmed. “And the three of us are going to be just fine.”
Her kids beamed at her, proving that she’d succeeded in allaying their fears and convincing them everything was all right.
Too bad she couldn’t convince herself.
* * *
“Put the fucking bottle down.”
Seth cranked open one eye, glimpsed Dylan in the living room doorway, and promptly let his eyelid flutter closed. He’d been lying on the couch for the past hour, one cheek plastered on the cushion, one arm flung out, still holding the tequila bottle he’d been nursing all night.
“I’m serious. Drop the bottle.”
Seth did the opposite. He tucked the bottle to his side and held it with the protective grip you’d use on a baby.
Footsteps thudded against the hardwood.
“You’re really going to make me wrestle you for it? This is actually happening?”
“Fuck off,” he mumbled, his voice rusty from lack of use. He didn’t think he’d said a single word since he’d left Miranda’s house last night. Jesus. And his breath reeked of booze.
“Give me the bottle, asshole.”
“Go away.”
The footsteps got closer. “Motherfucking fuck. I do not have time for this,” he heard Dylan mutter.
&
nbsp; And then chaos erupted. The bottle was yanked out of Seth’s possession and suddenly he was no longer on the couch but sailing through the air. His ass landed on the floor with a heavy thump, head bouncing off the hardwood.
Pain shot through his temples, not just from the hit, but from the ridiculous amount of alcohol he’d been consuming since last night. His stomach roiled, nausea scampering up his throat, but he managed to choke it down before he hurled all over the place.
“That’s it,” Dylan said in disgust. “I’m calling Miranda. She can come and deal with this.”
He tried to sit up and groaned when the room started to spin. “You can’t call Miranda. I dumped her.”
Silence.
And then, “Are you insane?”
He continued to struggle, but eventually staggered to his feet. “It’s done. We’re done. So let me get drunk in peace, okay?”
“No, not okay. Why the hell did you break up with her? That woman is—”
“Amazing? A goddess? The best thing that ever happened to me? Yeah, I know.” He made it all the way to the door before his vision got all blurry again and he needed to regroup.
Dylan marched over, shaking his head in disbelief. “If you know all that, why would you end it?”
“Because I don’t deserve her.”
More silence.
“Did you cheat on her or something?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t get it. I mean, yeah, you’re a total dick sometimes, and your smart mouth has gotten us all into trouble, but you’re not a horrible monster or anything.” Dylan shrugged. “Miranda’s lucky to have you.”
“Aw, isn’t that sweet of you to say,” Seth said snidely. He took a breath and made it out of the living room. “Leave me alone, man. I really don’t want company right now.”
He managed to walk in a straight line all the way to his bedroom. As he collapsed on his bed, he heard Dylan’s low murmur from the hallway and made out some of what his roommate was saying. “Can’t come over tonight…I know…fuck, yeah, me too. But things are…weird over here. Yeah, I’ll…later maybe…”
“Hey, Dylan! Don’t cancel your plans on my account!” Seth yelled at the closed door.
“Hey, Seth! Go fuck yourself!”
Footsteps receded, and then the house grew blessedly quiet. Unfortunately, the silence offered too many opportunities for thinking, and before he knew it, his thoughts were running rampant again and doubts were resurfacing.
He’d done the right thing, hadn’t he? Cutting Miranda loose. Ending things now, before they got even more serious, before the twins started looking to him as a father figure. He’d let Adam down all those years ago, but he refused to let Miranda and those kids down. Better to hurt them a tiny bit by walking away now than hurt them even worse in the future. Which he would. He’d eventually hurt them. He knew it.
Christ, he was such a screwup. It was a miracle his mom hadn’t disowned him years ago.
At the thought of his mother, his chest clenched. How could that woman even love him after what he’d done? She was a fucking saint. And he’d never even apologized to her, he realized. He’d never once told her he was sorry for what he did to Adam.
He fumbled for the phone on the bed table, fighting another wave of vertigo. He had to squint to find his mom’s number on his contact list, but eventually he managed to click on her name.
Missy answered on the fifth ring, sounding harried but delighted. “Hey, sugar pie! I was hoping you’d call.”
“You at the theater?” He made an effort not to slur his words.
“Yeah, but we’re in between performances so I have some time. I want to know all about this new relationship of yours.” She sounded incredulous. “I couldn’t believe it when Miranda told me you were dating. And you, of course, haven’t given me any details! But I’ve been good, haven’t I? I’ve been waiting for you to call me to talk about it. And you say I pry too much. Proved you wrong, huh? Anyway, I want to know all—”
“I’m sorry I got Adam killed.”
There was a shocked gasp, followed by total silence.
It lasted so long that he had to check the display to make sure his phone hadn’t dropped the call.
“Mom?” he said gruffly. “Did you hear what I said?”
“I heard.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“Okay. Well, that’s it. That’s why I called. I’ll talk to you la—”
“Don’t you dare hang up on me!” Missy roared.
“Oh. All right. Are we gonna talk about it then?”
“Are you fucking kidding me, Seth? You just apologized to me for killing your brother, and you think we’re not going to talk about it?”
He’d never heard his mother sound so livid. Her breathy little-girl voice was sharper than the blade of his Bowie knife, each word oozing with red-hot fury.
He gulped. “I figured you wouldn’t want to. You never want to talk about him.”
A heavy breath echoed in his ear. “You’re right. Dammit. You’re right, I never talk about him.”
“’S’okay. I get why you can’t. It’s hard for me too.” A lump rose in his throat. “Look, I know you forgave me for what happened, but I needed to say it out loud. Just once. I needed to apologize because I never apologized all those years ago. I never told you how sorry I was for—”
“Shut up, Seth.”
He frowned, annoyed by the interruption. “I’m not finished. I need you to know that I accept full responsibility for—”
“Shut the fuck up, Seth!”
His temples began to throb, the room doing another dizzying spin.
“You are not to blame for what happened to your brother,” his mother announced. “It is not your fault that sick son of a bitch got his hands on Adam.”
Shock spiraled through him. “But—”
“But nothing.” Another gasp came over the line. “Oh Jesus. Oh Seth. Have you been blaming yourself all these years?” It sounded like she was crying. “Oh baby, it wasn’t your fault.”
“But…but you…”
“I made you believe that it was?” Horror reverberated from her voice.
“No, but…you couldn’t look at me after it happened. And at the funeral, you wouldn’t meet my eyes when I…” He trailed off, confused.
“I couldn’t look at you because I didn’t want to see the accusation in your eyes.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It wasn’t your fault Adam died. It was mine.”
Her declaration left him speechless.
“I’m the one who left the two of you home alone instead of shelling out ten bucks for a fucking babysitter. I shouldn’t have put you in charge, for God’s sake. You were too young.” She was crying openly now, each sob bringing a painful squeeze to his heart. “I felt so guilty afterwards. I could barely look at you without thinking of your brother, without thinking about what a terrible mother I was. I’m going to go to my grave knowing I’m the reason my son is dead, Seth.”
He was absolutely dumbfounded. He hadn’t known what to expect from this phone call—he wouldn’t have even called if it weren’t for the tequila buzzing in his veins—but hearing his mom take the blame for the one thing he’d been agonizing over for the past nineteen years? Never would’ve guessed it.
“It’s not your fault,” he told her. “How could you think it was your fault? I was supposed to be watching him.”
“I was supposed to be watching both of you.”
“I couldn’t catch up to the truck.”
“I shouldn’t have left my kids home alone.”
They both went quiet for a moment.
A wave of sadness washed over him as he was struck by a very depressing thought. “We’ve each suffered with this for almost two decades. And we suffered alone. Jesus, Mom, why didn’t we talk about this before now?”
“Because you never called me up drunk before and raised the subject.” She sniffled. “And vice versa.”
“We shouldn’t have to be drunk to talk about Adam.”
“No, we shouldn’t.” His mom sighed. “You know, baby, I’m starting to think we’ve suffered enough. Maybe it’s time we…”
“Time we did what?” he asked when she didn’t continue.
“Time we accepted that a twisted man by the name of Jarvis Henderson was responsible for Adam’s death.”
His eyes began to sting. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe it is time for that.”
“Seth…I love you. You know that, right?”
“I love you too, Mom.”
A muffled female voice interrupted. “Missy! We need you back here!”
“Five minutes,” his mom called.
“Go,” he said gruffly. “They need you. We can finish this conversation tomorrow.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Go. I love you.”
“Love you too, sugar pie.”
The phone fell out of his hand, which began to shake again. He couldn’t believe his mother had blamed herself all these years.
He couldn’t believe they’d both been too guilt-ridden and grief-stricken to have this conversation a long time ago.
The phone call was like an injection of potassium to his bloodstream—he didn’t feel drunk anymore. His head cleared, stomach settled, vision stabilized. He was desperate to hear Miranda’s voice, but he couldn’t bring himself to call her. He’d broken up with her, for chrissake. And suddenly all his prior reasoning, all the things he’d said to her, sounded like nothing but a bunch of crappy excuses.
When his phone buzzed, he assumed it was his mother calling him back, so he answered without checking the screen.
“Hey, I told you, we can talk tomo—”
“Sef?” a small voice asked.
He stiffened. “Sophie? Is that you?”
“Uh-huh.”
“What’s going on? Where’s your mom?”
“She fell and now there’s lots of bruises.”
“What?”
Panic slammed into him. He dove off the bed and hurried to the door, ignoring the wave of wooziness that hit him. Shit, so much for not being drunk anymore. He swayed on his feet, struggling to listen to what Sophie was saying.
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