This was personal. She was with me and he wanted to destroy her. He’d love that, taking someone innocent like Daisy and getting her hooked on the gear. He’d ruin her life just to get to me.
I tried to knock him aside but he stood firm.
“I’ll look after you, love,” he said to Daisy. “All this guy’s girlfriends end up dead. Stay away from him.”
My body stiffened. I needed to end this NOW.
I hooked him around the neck, giving him an almighty shove. He stumbled but righted himself, then come at me. Did this guy never learn? It was almost like he wanted me to punch him.
If that’s what he wanted, that’s what he’d get.
As he charged at me, I raised my fist. The blood lust filled me. I didn’t care where I was, I didn’t care about the consequences. I’d get him. I’d get him good.
My fist slammed into his jaw. He recoiled but came back for more. If he wanted more, I’d give it to him.
I hit him again.
I was aware of people gathering around. I could hear someone yelling but I didn’t care. I’d get this guy down on the floor and hammer him.
The next punch knocked him off his feet. I jumped on him, still punching.
Someone grabbed my arm. It was Daisy.
“Stop it, Devon. Stop it now.”
I wasn’t going to stop. I had business with this guy. I shook her off. Why was she defending him anyway?
I punched again but he swerved and my fist went into the floorboards. That hurt but not enough to stop me.
The fucker got back to his feet while I was off guard. I got up too. He’d not get out of this lightly. My ears pounded, my whole head pounded. The rest of the world disappeared. There was just him and me.
Then Daisy ran between us.
“I mean it, Devon. You have to stop.”
I didn’t have the sense to listen to her. She was on his side. She was picking him over me. Why not? What was I to her anyway? It was just like Julie all over again. Except it wasn’t.
She grabbed my arms, trying to hold me back. I couldn’t shake her off. Not without hurting her.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I said. “Let me get him.”
“No, Devon. Listen to me.”
I couldn’t listen. I couldn’t stop. All sense had left me.
“Stay out of my way,” I said. “Just stick to your fake girlfriend duties.”
She backed away then. She backed right away. Like I’d taken the life out of her.
“A fake girlfriend is the only kind you’ll ever have,” she said. She said it quietly, with defeat in her voice.
“You’re right about that.”
Before I could pound the guy again, security pulled me off him. They dragged me away. Sweat dripped down my face. I’d screwed things up big time. I knew it. The rising anxiety in my belly told me so. Even so, I just wanted to get in one more punch. I’d get him.
As they dragged me out, I saw that dirt bag journo, Brandon, in the crowd, He had his camera out. He’d been taking photos of the whole thing. I was so screwed.
Chapter 31.Daisy
It was over. Everything was over. My dreams destroyed.
They took Devon to the police station. I tagged along behind him, not sure of what to do.
That journo tried to intercept me on the way out. “What did he mean? You aren’t really his girlfriend?”
He’d heard that? Damn. Not good. Not good at all.
I tried not to react but I was sure my face betrayed me.
Pete was at the police station when we arrived. I didn’t know how he’d found out. Then it hit me. The fight would be all over social media. There were so many people at that party. Media people. Hell. The photos of Devon hitting the drug dealer would be everywhere. He’d needed so much damage control after the court case and this would screw it all up. He would be a thug in people’s minds.
Devon was in some room, waiting for his lawyer, when I got there. I’d had to take a cab from the restaurant while he’d been in the police car. I wasn’t allowed in. I had to sit in the waiting room with hard plastic chairs and a coffee vending machine. The air reeked of sadness and desperation. I guess happy people didn’t spend time in a police waiting room.
Pete talked to the officer at the desk and I got a coffee out of the machine. When he’d finished, he sat beside me.
“This is it. I want you out of here.”
The coffee turned sour in my mouth. It took me a moment to register what he’d said. I turned slowly, hoping he was joking.
“You served your purpose but you are poison now.”
The foam coffee cup almost dropped out of my hand.
“No way. You can’t put this on me.”
I’d thought Pete and I had a friend thing happening. We worked together. He liked me. That comment came like a punch in the face. He wasn’t joking either.
My throat closed up and my eyes prickled but I would not cry in front of him.
“I’m not putting anything on you. I’m not saying this is your fault. What I’m saying is that you had a job to do and you failed.”
Devon had always said Pete was a prick but I thought that was just Devon hating on him for trying to bring him into line. But no, Devon was right. The guy was a first class prick.
“It’s not that simple…”
“You were meant to raise his popularity, make him look like a swell guy. But instead, this happens. The whole situation is a mess. And that remark about you not being his real girlfriend…” Pete shook his head. “I think the best thing is if you just disappear. People will forget you in a few days.”
“But my social media following. I have followers. Lots of followers. Those people won’t forget me.”
He gave a dry laugh. “You think? It’s happening already. Listen, for your own sake, stay off all social media for a week or so. The claws are out already and you don’t want to read what people say about you.”
He reached out to pat my hand as though he were doing me a favour.
“But I —”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I know. Maybe you didn’t but that’s not how the world works. Don’t be naive, Daisy. The woman’s always wrong when it comes to stuff like that. That’s how the fans think. It was only a matter of time before they turned on you like a pack of jackals but this has accelerated things. You were talking to another man. You caused the fight. You got Devon into a fight. And the rumours about you being a fake girlfriend are rife. Hopefully, that will die down. We’ll look like fools otherwise, and you’ll look like a manipulative bitch. I’m telling you all this for your own good. Trust me.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I dug my fingernails into the foam of the coffee cup, making a half moon pattern.
“Go back to your regular life. The contract would’ve been up soon anyway. It’s not like we intended to keep you around.”
I couldn’t stop the sob escaping but I stood up. I intended to walk out with dignity.
I went straight back to my apartment. I had a heap of things at Devon’s place but I’d worry about that another time. In the apartment alone, I cried a little. Actually, I cried a lot. My tears could’ve filled an ocean. I hugged a cushion to my chest and buried my face in it. That gave me no comfort. It just got wet and soggy.
It was over. So over. I’d never see Devon again. I’d never talk to him again. It’d only taken a single moment to destroy everything I had.
But what had I had? Everything I’d had of Devon had only been a dream. Sure, there’d been a few caresses, some moments where I thought he cared but he was the kind of guy who tried it on with every woman he met. Living in the same apartment as him, of course he’d try to seduce me. He’d have been like that with anyone.
I didn’t even know him. I knew the man I thought he should be but was that really him?
The more I’d gotten to know Devon, the less respect I had for him. I hated to admit that he differed from the image I had carried all my life. He could sing words
that reached my soul but I wondered what those words meant to him. Were they only fancy words, used to manipulate, with no feeling behind them?
He had no control over himself. Whenever something went wrong, he struck out with his fists or his words.
As much as I wanted to hold on to the fantasy I had of him, the reality fell short. That didn’t mean I didn’t find him as sexy as hell or that my blood didn’t pound through my body in alarming ways when he was near, it just meant that my response was physical only. And, damn it all, I wished that I didn’t even have that. But the sensitive poet I’d always seen in Devon the Rock Star did not exist in the real man. It was a sham.
When I took a cold, hard look at things, he was selfish. Not just selfish, but like he had no concept that other people existed except for his benefit. Sure, he’d been hurt and he suffered from that but he didn’t have to carry that hurt around for his entire life. And he didn’t have to shove that hurt onto other people.
His jerkiness ran to the bone. As much as he apologised for it, he enjoyed being a jerk. I could see that about him. He said he didn’t understand why he acted like that but the reason was clear. He was a total jerk because he could be. No one ever called him on it, no one ever did a thing to stop him.
It was much easier to be mad at him than remember the good times. When I’d cried so much that I’d exhausted myself, I fell asleep. I woke up, sprawled across the bed, still in the dress I’d worn to dinner.
When I woke up, there was a message on my phone. I read it, still half asleep and it took a moment to register. The photographer Devon had contacted wanted me to assist on a photo shoot. I replied immediately.
I needed to get out of the house. I needed to think. If I stayed at home, I’d go mad. Or I’d be tempted to go online and read the things people said about me. That cut me to the bone too. I’d worked so hard to be a good fan, to share my joy with the other fans. How could they blame me?
Suddenly inspired, I pulled my old camera out of the box in the wardrobe. Devon had been right about something. I didn’t need anyone else’s approval to follow my dream. The school was one path but it wasn’t the only one. I’d get out there and take photos. I’d work my guts out assisting. Hiding my dream away had done nothing to dull it, it just had left a painful hole inside me.
After grabbing a coffee, I walked around the neighbourhood. Even if I never made a living with my photography, I’d forgotten how good it felt, having the camera in my hand. I’d deprived myself of one of my greatest pleasures because I couldn’t handle rejection.
I walked down to the market and took shots of the people working there. Old ladies at the flower stand, the men hauling vegetables. The flurry of activity. They were good shots. I knew that. This was something I could do.
The whole time I’d been with Devon, I’d felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, no matter how much I tried. He was the star and I existed to support him. But, when I’d told him about my photography dream, he’d really supported me. He’d been nothing but himself.
Was it his fault that he couldn’t live up to the dream Devon I’d invented? He’d never asked to be that person, never desired to be him.
The dreams I’d had, the ideal Devon, didn’t exist. I’d been in love with a fake most of my life. Now I had to face up to the real man. Could I love Devon for who he really was? He’d called me his fake girlfriend the whole time we’d been together but I’d not been the one who was the fake. It had been him.
Chapter 32.Devon
I walked across the damp grass to the grave. The purple flowers I’d brought not so long ago had all withered up and died. The weeds had grown back.
“Julie,” I said, squatting down beside the headstone. “I feel like a total dick talking to you like this but I have no idea what to do. I didn’t even mean to come here. I just got in the car to drive around and ended up here.”
She didn’t answer. Which was probably a good thing.
“I’ve screwed everything up. You’d understand that, maybe. Do you regret your life? Do you wish you’d done it differently? I’ve tried to be a good person but it’s really fucking hard.”
I reached into my pocket for a cigarette and lit it. The flame flickered then went out in the wind. I tried again, cupping my hand around the flame but it didn’t take before going out. Was that a sign? Was it her, trying to tell me something? It was pretty damn cryptic if it was. She knew me better than that. I wasn’t one who understood vague hints.
I turned so that my back was to the wind and tried again. The flame stayed alive long enough for me to light my cigarette. I took a long drag, just to be sure.
“I’ve met a girl and I think I’m in love with her.”
I waited for a ghostly laugh or maybe a bolt of lightning from the sky. Nothing happened. Just a rustling of something moving in the long grass nearby.
“Were we even in love? We hurt each other. We hurt each other a lot. I’m sorry for that. Well, most of it. You could be a right bitch at times. You know that, though. I’ll never forgive you for the time you smashed up my guitar. I loved that guitar a lot. But most of the other stuff, it’s gone and forgotten now. This woman, she’s not like you. I’ve never met anyone like her. She makes me feel settled inside. That whirling mess that’s always been there, driving me nuts, she calms that down. She’s like the sunshine. You were like…”
I didn’t want to say it but she’d been the darkness. Stupid, to worry about saying that to a gravestone but it seemed awful. It was the truth though. Julie had been the darkness inside. All the violence and confusion and pain, that’s what she’d been. That side of me had called out and had found its answer in her.
When Julie had died, I couldn’t give her up because I couldn’t give up that part of myself. I’d thought that’s where my creativity and my music came from, but then I’d written that song. Marshmallow Girl. That sound hadn’t come from the pain. It’d come from the happiness and the light. It’d come from Daisy.
Daisy, she called to the other side of me. The side that was living and lightness. I’d pushed that part of me way down, not ever letting it exist. Believing I didn’t deserve it.
Deep down, I’d resented Tex when he’d given up his misery and moved on. He could do that but I couldn’t. I stubbed out my cigarette and looked for somewhere to put it. I couldn’t leave a cigarette butt on Julie’s grave. There was a rubbish bin nearby. I gathered up the dead flowers as well, dumping it all in the bin. Those flowers meant nothing.
“You look better now,” I said to her.
An old man walked nearby. He’d think I was stark-raving mad, squatting here, talking to a slab of stone. But he tipped his cap and walked on.
“The thing is, I think I’ve screwed it all up. I couldn’t love her the way she needed. I pushed her away. I made her suffer. She only wanted the best for me but I was a total dick. Then, at the end, I did things she’ll never forgive me for. It wasn’t about her though. I was scared. This whole love business is the scariest thing ever.
“What am I going to do, Julie? If I go to her now, she might tell me to go to hell. She thought I was the fulfilment of all her dreams, the perfect man. I can’t live up to that. I’m as flawed as hell. Should I even try?’
“Of course you bloody should.”
The answer threw me. It really threw me. I started and lost my balance, falling back with only the edge of the neighbouring grave to steady myself.
The old man laughed.
“Ha, you nearly shit your pants then, didn’t you? It’s not your dead girlfriend talking to you. It’s just me.” He laughed again. Damn old man. Thought he was so funny. “You’re that singer fellow. What are you doing pouring all your misery out here? Go somewhere and write it in a song. That way you’re making money out of all your jabbering.”
I got back onto my heels, hoping the old man would wander off. He stayed right where he was.
“Got another girlfriend and feeling guilty about it, huh? It’s a trick, boy. You can’t ho
ld onto the dead. You might as well bury yourself in the grave with them if you do.”
Had I asked him for life advice? I couldn’t recall doing that but he wasn’t going to stop. I got to my feet, so I could walk away.
“I’ve had two wives since they buried my Gertie over there. Loved them both. The third one is still with me. But it doesn’t mean I love Gertie any less. She wouldn’t have wanted me to be lonely and bitter. I’m sure your woman here wouldn’t have wanted that either.” He looked at the grave. “Julie. She wouldn’t have wanted it.”
“You obviously never knew her. She’d have loved it. She demanded all of everything. There was never room for anyone else but her.”
“Well, maybe you’re better off without her. Don’t take offence there. I don’t mean it’s a good thing she’s dead, just that it’d be good to push her out of your heart. You can’t love a ghost. They can’t return your love and they can’t comfort you. And, worst of all, they can’t wake you up with a blowjob in the morning.”
I jerked my head around. Seriously, I did not want to know about the old guy’s sex life.
“Shock you, huh? Yeah, I’ve still got it in me. Gets even better in old age, when they take out their false teeth.”
I covered my ears but the old man shuffled off anyway.
I gave Julie a salute goodbye and walked back to the car.
The entire drive home though, the old man’s words resonated. I’d given enough of my life to Julie. I should push her out of my heart. Settling down with one woman wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, if that woman was Daisy.
And getting woken up with blowjobs, that never happened unless you let a woman stay overnight.
Chapter 33.Daisy
Pete called around to my apartment. When I opened the door and saw him standing there, my heart flew to all kinds of hopes. This misery was over and Devon wanted me back.
But he’d just dropped by with a bag of things I’d left at the apartment.
Bad for You (Fallen Star Book 4) Page 14