by A. E. Radley
“I understand, I just…” Olivia trailed off. She had no idea what to say.
“You feel useless,” Emily completed.
“Yes, exactly. I-I… want to fix it.”
“Of course you do, we all do. But we have to accept that, for the moment, we can’t. But, do you know what you can do?”
Olivia turned to look at Emily with a raised eyebrow.
“You can make me forget about it for a few days. I’ll have to go back on Sunday night, and then I will think about it again. But, for now, I have a weekend with you and Henry and I don’t want to waste it thinking about… whoever it is. I don’t want them to win by disrupting my life; I don’t want to give them that power. So, I’ve told you all I know, but now I want to get on with our life. I want to feel normal for a couple of days.”
Olivia bit down the first thought that came to mind and tossed a silent hurrah to herself for progress.
“O-kay,” she hesitated. She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to go back to normal after being told that some madman was on the loose, harassing her wife.
“So, volunteering,” Emily said. “It sounds like a good idea to me. What do you think?”
Olivia blinked. “Um, well…” It was hard to switch from one difficult topic to another.
“I mean, I know you think you’re not great with kids, but you actually are. You communicate with them well, and Henry has gone from hating math to processing numbers better than I do in a few short months. If you can do that with other kids, then that would be great, don’t you think?”
Olivia sat on the arm of the sofa opposite Emily and considered the question for a moment. It had been a long and emotional night. From the embarrassment with Natalie to Emily’s surprise return to the news that a stalker was in their midst. The idea of teaching a child how a mortgage worked seemed exhausting.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “Natalie suggested it. And, to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m ready to see Natalie again. Ever.”
Emily snickered. “Oh, come on, it was a misunderstanding. It will be fine.”
“Will it?” Olivia asked seriously.
“Yes, it will,” Emily promised. “You make a point to see her soon and then you laugh it off and get back to business. If you hide from it, then it will become an issue. She’s Henry’s teacher, so you can’t exactly hide from her forever.”
Olivia could feel her cheeks heating up.
“Henry could change schools,” she half-joked.
“Putting tonight’s events behind you, what do you really think about volunteering? You must have been interested to have asked her over to find out more.”
Olivia sighed and got to her feet. She walked over to Emily and sat down next to her.
“I suppose I thought it was a good idea. I am bored at home all day. I simply don’t know how to fill my time. I’m not interested in most hobbies, I don’t have a huge number of friends to socialise with. I like to feel… useful. Volunteering would fit that brief. And it would only be for the hours that Henry is at school, which means I’d be available to look after him outside of school hours. It would also fit in with a baby, if I were pregnant.”
Emily looked at her quietly for a moment. “Do you want to have a baby?”
Olivia softly nodded.
“Are you sure? You have been a little back and forth on this,” Emily pointed out.
“I have,” Olivia agreed. “But it came from a place of fear, fear that I would have a child that may be on the spectrum. Like myself.”
Emily’s eyes widened slightly at the admission.
It was the first time that Olivia had made a reference to herself potentially being on the spectrum. She’d danced around the topic as much as possible, not wanting to commit to a label.
“But,” Olivia ploughed on before that became the topic of discussion, “I realise that it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Well, you made me realise that. And, while adoption is something I think is a great idea, I do understand your point that it isn’t a great fit for us at the moment. Maybe we will revisit that in the future, maybe we won’t. Either way, I understand your concerns about adoption and I do share them.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Emily said. She leaned forward and placed her cup and saucer on the coffee table. She turned to face Olivia and took her hand in hers. “I know you struggle with labels, but if Henry turned out to be on the spectrum, or we had a baby that was, it would have nothing to do with you. And it would not change the way we feel about them one bit.”
“Of course not,” Olivia agreed. “We’d love them no matter what.”
“Exactly.”
“Unless they become very unsavoury as adults,” Olivia amended. “I saw this documentary about a man—”
“Nope.” Emily pulled her hands back. “We’re not having that conversation, whatever it is.”
“But…” Olivia drifted off at the forceful glare Emily gave her.
“Nope,” Emily repeated.
“Fine, fine,” Olivia mumbled.
“Do you watch much of the crime channel when I’m away from home?” Emily asked.
Olivia frowned. “No, why?”
“No reason.”
“How do you feel about a baby?” Olivia suddenly asked. She was keen to have the conversation that had been playing on her mind recently. She’d concluded that Emily was right about adoption. Now she wanted to gauge her opinion on more conventional methods and possible timescales.
“About you carrying a baby?” Emily queried.
“Yes.”
Emily smiled. “I love the idea. I think you’d be a great mother, no, I know you’d be a great mother. Henry would have a little sister or brother, which is also good. I don’t feel like we need another child to complete our family, but I definitely like the idea of having one. What do you think about it?”
“I was worried for a while. But I’ve had time to think about it and I think it’s the right thing to do. I want to have a child. I’ve never really felt that way before, but I do now, strongly so.”
“Then I think it’s something we should investigate,” Emily said.
“How do you feel about investigating it soon?” Olivia asked.
“How soon?”
“You’re home now,” Olivia pointed out. She was already working out the logistics of dropping Henry off with Lucy while bribing her doctor for an emergency appointment.
Emily chuckled. “You want to go tomorrow, don’t you?”
Olivia shrugged her shoulder slightly. “Maybe.”
“Well, this is very you. Very us,” Emily admitted. “We moved in together quickly. Got engaged quickly. This does seem like a logical next step.”
“It does,” Olivia agreed. “And you’re not often home during the week. This would be a great opportunity to get the ball rolling.”
“It could,” Emily agreed. She remained silent for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. She nodded. “Okay, yes. Let’s get the ball rolling. Then we’ll have more information and we can go from there.”
“You’re sure?” Olivia felt herself smiling widely.
“Positive,” Emily said. “I’m all in. And I know you don’t suggest something unless you’re all in as well.”
“I’ll call first thing in the morning,” Olivia promised. She picked up her phone from the coffee table to set a diary reminder for herself.
Before she could save the reminder, Emily scream.
She turned with a start, to see the woman jumping up from the sofa and racing to the other side of the room.
Somehow the kitten had escaped from the utility room and jumped up onto the sofa to sit between them.
“Oh my god,” Emily said between deep breaths. “So… that’s Captain McWhatsIt then?”
“McFluffypants the Seventh,” Olivia said. “Yes. He should be locked in the utility room, but he has clearly found a way to escape.”
Emily tentatively walked over with her hand stretched out. “Hello kitty,” she whispe
red.
The kitten jumped at her hand, claws at the ready. Emily jumped back.
“He’s a demon,” she decided.
“He’s active,” Olivia agreed. She reached forward and picked up the tiny creature. “I’ll put him back in the utility room, though goodness knows how he managed to escape. We may find him staring at us in the middle of the night.”
Emily took a step back and regarded the kitten suspiciously.
Olivia took in her body language and made an assumption. “You don’t like cats, do you?”
“Hate them,” Emily confirmed.
“Then why on earth did we get a kitten for Henry?” Olivia moved the struggling kitten from one hand to the other as she waited for Emily to explain.
Emily sighed. “Henry really wanted one, and I didn’t want to tell him that I didn’t like cats. Who doesn’t like cats?”
“People who fear them,” Olivia pointed out.
Emily rolled her eyes. “I’m not scared.”
Olivia held it out towards Emily. She smiled as Emily jumped backwards. “Oh, yes, not scared in the slightest.”
“I’m going to go unpack,” Emily announced, walking to the hallway. “You lock up that devil creature and I’ll see you upstairs.”
Olivia chuckled as she took the kitten back to the utility room. She checked his food, water, and cat litter before sneaking out of the door. She wondered if the door had been slightly open or if the fluff ball had figured out how to open it himself. She hoped for the former but doubted she’d be that lucky.
She moved around the kitchen, cleaning up as she went. Her mind was spinning with all the things that had been discussed that night. The embarrassment with Natalie, the concern over the stalker, and her relief at their decision regarding the baby.
She held onto the work surface and let out a long breath. Her life had always been ordered, scheduled, and predictable. It certainly wasn’t that way anymore. She’d made the decision to make a change, to break out of her protective bubble, and actually live her life. Being with Emily and Henry had thrown her head first into that choice. She’d expected to be terrified with the change and the pace, but if anything, she was eager to start the next chapter.
Too long her life had been static, with wasted time and potential. She wasn’t getting any younger, and she was desperate to move on. Having a baby was terrifying, and yet she knew it would be so rewarding.
Of course, she knew to temper her excitement. There was a long way to go and she didn’t even know if she could have a baby yet. But the journey was one she was looking forward to.
She filled the dishwasher, images of baby clothes and toys in her mind as she did. Soon she started to think about morning sickness and swollen ankles, and she grimaced to herself. So maybe the whole journey wasn’t glamorous.
She heard a sound and looked around to figure out what it was.
She heard a thud and a slide. And then another thud and a slide.
Then she heard a thud and a click. She looked as the utility room door slowly opened and a furry head appeared.
“You’re going to be trouble,” she told him.
He meowed back at her in response.
25
Olivia’s ability to get things done never ceased to amaze Emily. Just a few short hours ago, they were discussing having a baby. Now, they were at an expensive clinic waiting to be seen by a specialist.
They’d stayed awake for a few hours, discussing the pros and cons of having a baby. Emily wanted to be absolutely certain that Olivia knew what she was taking on. But, as with most things, Olivia had already thought of every angle.
Emily knew that she felt ready for another baby, and she was certain that Olivia felt the same. Now came the poking and prodding, the questions, and the money. She bristled again at the idea of how easy it was for most heterosexual couples to have a baby and how much work and expensive it would be for them.
Olivia raised her wrist and looked at her watch. She tutted.
Emily put a calming hand on her arm.
“Olivia, considering you bought and bullied your way to an appointment with ninety minutes’ notice, you can’t complain about them being a minute late.”
“Bought and bullied?” Olivia questioned haughtily.
Emily fixed her with a glare.
Olivia backed down. “I’ll give them another five minutes, but then I’ll be asking questions.”
“Fair enough.” Emily closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the chair’s headrest. She was exhausted. The journey home and the several long discussions were starting to take their toll. And in the back of her mind, she was already thinking about work the following week. Opening night was fast approaching, and, while she was happy about that, she was also worried about the situation with her stalker.
She had a phone call scheduled with Nicole before she flew back on Sunday, in order to get an update on what was happening. As much as she tried to push it to the back of her mind, she couldn’t. The note at the hotel had scared her more than she was willing to admit.
Why someone had taken such an interest in her was a mystery. She was average, nothing special. And yet, someone was obviously fascinated by her.
She shuddered at the thought.
“Are you okay?” Olivia asked softly.
“Yes, just a chill,” Emily lied flawlessly. “Probably tired.”
Olivia regarded her for a moment more before nodding and looking away.
Emily hated lying to Olivia, but she knew that her wife was probably in more of a panic than she was. Her best hope at offering Olivia comfort now was to appear unaffected.
A part of her also felt guilty for taking the focus away from what should be a happy moment. They were preparing to create new life. Olivia would, hopefully, soon be carrying a miniature version of herself, and Emily couldn’t help but smile at that thought.
She’d missed a lot of Henry’s childhood, and she wasn’t about to let that happen again. She knew that she needed to make her name as a writer, and then she’d be able to do the job she loved from home, or at least in New York. Things were coming together; her life was getting better and better. So long as she ignored the stalker lurking in the background.
Maybe the stalker was the counterbalance in her life. Things were going well, so there needed to be some kind of spectre to keep her in line. But she’d be damned if she was going to not appreciate the good times just because of one man.
She took Olivia’s hand and gave it a squeeze.
“I love you,” she whispered.
Olivia looked at her curiously but smiled. “I love you, too.”
26
Olivia pulled the car into the parking lot and looked at the building in front of her. Part of her wanted to turn around and go back home again. Another part of her knew that Emily was right—she needed to speak with Natalie again and smooth out what had happened.
She turned the engine off and took a couple of deep, calming breaths. Once she felt she was ready, she exited the car and walked into the school.
The weekend had raced by. It felt like a few short hours ago since her disastrous dinner with Natalie, but that had been four days ago. Four days where she hadn’t given the matter a second thought because she had been so preoccupied.
Friday had been dedicated to the fertility clinic, where tests had been performed, decisions had been made, and a timetable of events had been put in place. Now everything was real and Olivia felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She knew that having a baby wouldn’t be easy, but she also knew it was something she wanted to do. The fear of such a big decision had startled her into inaction, but now she felt positive again. Like they were moving forward. And they were moving forward quickly, just as Olivia liked. She was expecting results from her first tests the next day and had already booked her next appointment with her specialist.
Saturday had been dedicated to Henry. They’d gone to the park, seen a movie, played computer games, and eaten dinne
r at his favourite Italian restaurant. Olivia had deliberately kept up a fast pace, knowing that Emily was feeling nervous about her return to work the next day. Emily may have felt that she was an expert at cloaking her emotions, but Olivia was getting better and better at reading them.
But it didn’t matter how action-packed Saturday was. Sunday still came around, and it was with a heavy heart that Olivia helped Emily pack her suitcase.
Despite Olivia’s suggestion that she stay home, Emily was determined to return. She wasn’t about to let her career be dictated by a man with an unhealthy obsession. Olivia had to admit that she was proud of Emily’s resolve. Even if she was also scared of the situation in general.
Once Emily had headed off to the airport, Olivia was on the phone, informing Nicole that every precaution was to be taken. Luckily, it seemed that Nicole was five steps ahead of her and had already made provisions for Emily’s security.
And now it was Monday. The first day in a long series of days until Emily would be back. It was also the day that Olivia promised she would see Natalie, apologise for the mix-up, and attempt to move on from the embarrassment of the previous Thursday.
“Olivia?”
She looked up to see Natalie walking towards her.
She sucked in a breath, not expecting to bump into the woman yet. It was just her bad luck that Natalie would be meandering around the school rather than in the classroom where Olivia expected to find her.
“Hello,” Olivia greeted. She stood still and held her handbag in front of her, hands clasped around the hooped strap. “I wanted to apologise for the mix-up last week.”
“I should be the one apologising,” Natalie told her. “Really, I was mortified… I’ve explained everything to the faculty, and everyone is now aware of the situation. I’m just so sorry that this happened.”
“I hoped that we could put this behind us and move on?” Olivia asked. “I’d like to take you up on your offer of volunteering, if it’s still open.”
Natalie smiled. “Absolutely. Do you want to follow me? We can go to the main office, and I can give you the forms that you’ll need to fill out.”