by Rosie James
‘Come in…Mrs. Carmichael…’ He glanced down at the information in front of him, noting that, so far, this patient had not been treated for anything in his surgery. He had never met her before.
Alice sat down, and the doctor swivelled his chair around and looked into her eyes.
‘How can I help you today?’ he enquired.
‘I am not sure that you can,’ Alice replied quietly, and he smiled.
‘At least let me try,’ he said. ‘Tell me what symptoms are bothering you.’
Alice took a long, long breath. Why had she come? How could she explain this emptiness…this listlessness? And sometimes this terrible pain that came from nowhere and went everywhere…making her want to just lie down and shut out the world. She knew there was nothing wrong with her – she had never been ill in her life. At last she cleared her throat.
‘I am ashamed to be here…to be wasting your time,’ she began, and he leaned forward encouragingly.
‘Go on, Mrs. Carmichael.’
And after a moment – ‘It’s just that I seem to have been invaded by something I don’t understand,’ Alice said quietly. ‘I go to sleep easily enough at night, then wake up, hour after hour, my mind seething with unpleasant thoughts. And I’m often sick in the morning, and sometimes during the day as well. And I am never hungry. At times, the thought of food repulses me.’
He interrupted. ‘Could you be pregnant?’
‘No. I am not pregnant,’ Alice said firmly, and after a moment –
‘You see…I am…I am wracked with guilt, doctor,’ she said quietly. ‘I am blessed in every possible way… I am married to a wonderful man… I live in a beautiful house surrounded by lovely people…and I want for nothing. How many people can say that? I can have anything I want…go anywhere I want to…’
The doctor didn’t interrupt as Alice went on – ‘Yet with everything to be glad about, I am not glad. I am often sad, and depressed…but everyone feels that from time to time, don’t they…that’s life. I know that. But, lately, I sometimes get the feeling that I want to dig my nails into my flesh…into my arms and my neck…to see myself bleed. That…that I would get some relief from this…this burden, this terrible pressure that keeps building up inside me.’
The doctor’s voice was gentle as he spoke. ‘Have you told anyone else about this, Mrs. Carmichael…of course you told your husband?’ he said. ‘It is often a great help to share your worries…’
‘No!’ Alice tried not to raise her voice. ‘No…I don’t want to worry my husband. He has enough to worry about in his working life.’ Alice paused. ‘He is training to be a surgeon, you see, and sometimes I can persuade him to tell me what his day has been like…the poor little sick patients he has seen…and I feel so ashamed…so guilty. What have I got to be upset about? I should be grateful, grateful! And I am…but I have to force myself to be grateful and not to keep thinking about this pain, this pressure, that won’t go away…’
She looked up at the doctor, realizing that she was close to tears. This was the first time she had given voice to her anguish. ‘So – have you anything…a tonic, or something…that might help me?’
The doctor cleared his throat before answering. Of course, now he realized who this lady was…the local Carmichael family had been well-known in the area for many years, and he had met the professor, but not his son – this patient’s husband.
‘I think what you are suffering from, Mrs. Carmichael, is melancholia,’ he said quietly, ‘or clinical depression, which is thought to be simply an imbalance in the brain. And it may help you to know that you are not alone. I have seen quite a lot of it since the end of the war – strange that, isn’t it – because during the conflict it was fairly rare.’ He smiled. ‘Now that one battle has ceased, it seems that we have another one on our hands.’
He swivelled his chair back, and started to write something down in front of him. ‘I can prescribe some tablets for you to take – and I urge you to follow the instructions on the leaflet, and to continue until you have finished them. Then,’ he turned back and smiled at Alice – ‘Come back next month and tell me how you are feeling.’ He held her gaze for a moment. ‘Believe me, Mrs. Carmichael, this will come to an end – but it is going to take time. So be prepared. And meanwhile, spend as much time as possible with cheerful people who you like…people you are comfortable with.’ He smiled. ‘Summer is approaching, so long walks in the countryside – with others – will do you good. And take your dog with you. And if you don’t have a dog – then get one! Dogs can be – and almost always are – genuine therapy to people suffering as you are.’ He passed the prescription to Alice. ‘To tell you the truth, Mrs. Carmichael, I don’t know what I would do without mine – my golden Labrador – Maisie – helps to keep me sane.’
Passing through the still-packed waiting room to the exit, Alice went out into the sunshine, feeling somewhat lighter of heart than she had an hour ago. It had felt good to actually hear herself say the words…to tell someone how she was feeling, someone who she wouldn’t upset by her disclosing it.
She went into the chemist’s and handed over the prescription – in exchange for a small bottle of tiny white tablets which she put into her handbag. Perhaps these insignificant things might be the answer…might be the cure. But hadn’t the doctor said that it was going to take time…time for any change to take place? And hadn’t those been the words which Sam had used when they’d been talking about her longed-for baby? Time…time…she must try and be patient…
Alice began to make her way slowly back home, but stopped for a few moments to sit down on a nearby bench. There in the distance she could see children playing on the Downs…it was 3.30 and school must be out. She watched them as they chased each other, all shouting and laughing, pushing each other… Alice’s fingers reached for her anchor and chain.
So sorry, Mama, Papa, to be feeling like this…sorry that I am being selfish and ungrateful. And even more sorry that I have not brought another little Watts into the world. Not yet. That it is still only me here. But Sam has said that I will, one day…he’s sure of it. And Sam is always right. And are you ashamed of me that I’m not blissfully happy with the man I love so much…that I seem to need – to want – more, something else? And that something very important is missing? How can I manage to navigate myself through perhaps the next fifty years of married life, feeling like this?
A week later, Alice settled herself into the corner seat of the carriage and stared out of the window as the train began steaming away from Temple Meads. It was Saturday, and she was off to Dorchester to spend the weekend with Rex.
She admitted to having felt excited ever since she’d made the arrangement – which had come out of the blue really…she’d only rung the office to find out how everything was going on, just to keep in touch…and almost at once – as soon as he’d heard her voice – Rex had invited her – begged her – to come down to Dorset for a few hours.
‘It’s such a long time since we’ve seen you!’ he’d exclaimed. ‘And as the weather’s so good we’re going to Weymouth on Saturday afternoon – me and Valerie – and you can come too! I’m sure you’re in need of a mouthful of sea air – because as far as I remember there ain’t none of that in Bristol!’
Hearing Rex’s strong, good-natured voice had automatically brought a smile to Alice’s lips. ‘Well… I’m not sure…’ she’d begun, and he’d cut her off.
‘Oh don’t be stuffy, Alice! Come down! It’ll be a giggle – like old times!’
Before she could say any more, Valerie had obviously grabbed the phone from Rex and was joining in. ‘Oh come on, Alice!’ the girl had said excitably. ‘Remember that time we all went to Weymouth before…a crowd of us? That was such fun! And then it was January! It’ll be much nicer walking along that front now – please say you’ll come!’ And after a moment – ‘I do miss you, Alice…we miss you…’
It had only taken Alice a few moments to make up her mind. Anyway, Sam was working a
ll weekend – and even if he hadn’t been she’d known he’d have encouraged her to have a few hours away from Bristol for a change, if she’d wanted to. To be with other people…to be with old friends. He kept telling her that all he wanted was for her to be happy.
‘Well – all right then… I’d love to come,’ she’d said. ‘We’ve only managed to get to the seaside twice since our honeymoon.’
‘Then why don’t you stay overnight?’ Rex had persisted. ‘That means we don’t have to rush away from Weymouth for you to catch the last train back.’ And before Alice could reply, he’d added – ‘And bring your swimming costume. Valerie and I have decided that we are going to brave the ocean – for the first time this year. It’ll be cold – but who cares? We’ll soon warm up, and I’ll make sure that the picnic will include certain liquid remedies to get our blood rushing again!’
After she’d put the phone down, Alice had smiled to herself. Rex and Valerie. Valerie and Rex. It was quite obvious that they were more than work colleagues now – and that had come as no surprise. As soon as they’d met each other – when Alice had first taken charge of the Dorchester branch, with Valerie as her assistant – and Rex had turned up unannounced – there had been an instant rapport between them. Rex was a tease, and Valerie had lapped it up straightaway.
Now, it was almost midday, and the train was just about to pull in to Dorchester. Alice stood up, reaching for her overnight case from the rack, and went to open the compartment door. She had made the trip from Bristol to Dorchester – and in the reverse as well – so many times before…it had been like coming home, and going home, and she felt a small rush of sentiment – or sentimentality – as she stepped onto the platform. She had had such happy times in this town…the happiest being on the night of her engagement when Sam had come from London and they’d chosen her ring together.
She strolled towards the exit. She’d agreed to go straight to the office – which wouldn’t be closing for another half an hour – to meet the others, and as she began making her way along the familiar streets and through the tree-lined Gardens, Alice realized that for the last hour or so she had felt more content than she had for a long time. That the knot of pressure in her stomach, the insidious anxiety constantly in the back of her mind, had seemed to slip away…and the thought made Alice frown. Was she telling herself that she was happiest when away from Sam…her beloved Sam? She couldn’t mean that, surely! But of course she didn’t! She – did – not – mean – that! It was just that for some reason, re-tracing her steps like this was filling her with a sense of inner well-being. Something that had been in short supply for a while.
Alice shrugged to herself. She was doing what the doctor ordered, wasn’t she? She was going to be with cheerful company, doing something different for a few hours –and she was going to spend the night in her old house, Rex’s house now, perhaps in her old bed – she had no idea which room was to be allotted to her – and Rex had informed her that Valerie was going to stay the night as well – as chaperone! That had made Alice smile. But it was going to be so comfy to be in that little house again. Perhaps to make a pot of tea in the small, familiar kitchen.
Besides all that, she’d been taking those tablets for a week, hadn’t she. Dutifully, exactly as prescribed, first thing each morning. Perhaps they had begun to work already – though the instruction did warn that it was going to take time…
Much later, after screeching with excited horror as they’d all splashed each other mercilessly in the ice-cold water, the three revellers staggered their way out of the surf and towards the beach where they’d left their belongings.
Rex had kindly supplied the huge fluffy towels, and now, with their teeth chattering, they all began to get dry – as quickly as possible. The sun had gone in, a brisk wind arriving from nowhere, and as Alice began to get dressed, she noticed how Rex automatically moved over to help Valerie dry her long hair…she hadn’t asked him to – he was doing it automatically, as if it was expected – and Alice smiled to herself. That wasn’t the first time he’d done that, she thought – and when they’d been discussing work earlier, Valerie had had as much to say about everything as Rex had. She seemed to have gained in confidence – and in know-how – they had become a pretty good team…
Valerie had done the picnic and by now they were all starving. Crusty rolls, cheese, pickles, tiny pork pies and sliced tomatoes, were followed by huge pieces of home-made fruit cake and flasks of steaming coffee – their mugs charged with generous splashes of the brandy that Rex had included.
Presently, feeling warm again – the sun had come back out – the three lay side by side on the car rug. Rex was in the middle, just starting on one of his shaggy dog stories – which Alice could never stand, but which Valerie was soaking up with every word – and Alice closed her eyes briefly, letting the seaside atmosphere, the sound of waves sucking at the shore – the lazy cries of seagulls overhead – drift in and out of her awareness.
And in this present space, Alice knew she was happy…and totally relaxed. It was like being let out of jail. She opened her eyes briefly and stared up in to the huge white clouds above her. What if one of those clouds suddenly drifted down and scooped her up, and took her away from here, took her away from Earth and everything and everyone in it? Would that set her free from the stranglehold of whatever it was her little tablets were treating her for?
Rex nudged her in the ribs. ‘Come on – wake up – you’ve been asleep for ages.’ He sat up and yawned. ‘We’re going for a long, long walk – and later we’ll be eating fish and chips out of newspaper.’
And that is what they did, the three wandering the length of the sea front, chatting, interrupting each other as they reminisced about everything, giggling about awkward customers, shop talk, ghost talk – Judge Jeffreys had been out and about again apparently – and Alice, feeling better than she had for many months, realized that this was what she’d needed, all along! That dip in the icy waves had left her tingling, smarting with energy, and being with friends who didn’t seem to have a care in the world with their light-hearted banter had seemed to set her free. Alice was alive again…gloriously alive!
It was 4 o’clock when she got back to Clifton the following day, and Alice went straight into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. Betty was sitting in her chair by the range and scarcely looked up as Alice went over to touch her on the shoulder.
‘Hello, Betty – I didn’t wake you from your doze did I?’ The older woman struggled to sit up straight.
‘Oh no, Alice… I wasn’t dozing…not really,’ Betty said. She hesitated. ‘I just felt a bit hot and bothered, that’s all…the professor, and Sam were here for lunch – rather unexpectedly – and they brought one of Sam’s friends with them. It was a bit last-minute, but I had everything here, of course…it wasn’t any trouble. But once or twice I felt a bit overcome, that’s all.’ She paused. ‘Perhaps I’m starting a cold or something – next door’s cook hasn’t been well for days.’
Alice, concerned, sat down in the chair next to Betty. ‘Oh dear – perhaps you should go and see the doctor, Betty – just to make sure,’ Alice said. ‘And I should have been here today to give you a hand,’ she added, but Betty shook her head quickly.
‘Of course you shouldn’t…and did you have a good time with your friends, dear?’ she said. ‘I expect it was lovely down there, wasn’t it? Seeing all your old haunts?’
‘Yes, it really was,’ Alice said. Then – ‘And as they were seeing me off at the station today, Rex pulled me aside and whispered that he’s going to ask Valerie’s parents if he can marry their daughter… Valerie doesn’t know yet!’ Alice paused, smiling. ‘Rex was always a bit of a romantic and likes surprising people…and of course he would consider it the right and proper thing to seek parental permission before he pops the question.’
Later, in bed, Alice snuggled into Sam – answering all his enquiries about her day in Dorset, and he pulled her towards him even more closely.
She turned her head to look up at him, tracing her finger along the one or two lines across his forehead. ‘I thought about you – most of the time,’ she said.
He bent to kiss her on the lips, than half-sat, looking down at her seriously. ‘And you are happy…living here, and everything? Keeping up with my mother’s traditions? You would tell me if you weren’t happy, wouldn’t you?’
The briefest pause – then – ‘Of course I would tell you,’ Alice said.
In the early hours Alice woke with a start, keeping still so as not to disturb Sam. Then, sitting up slowly, she dropped her head onto her bent knees.
Nothing had changed. She was feeling terrible…pointless…ill. How much longer could she go on like this? Those tablets were not working.
Chapter Twenty-Three
15th August 1950
That day, it was announced from Buckingham Palace that at 11am Her Royal Highness the Princess Elizabeth gave birth to a daughter. A second child for the princess and her husband the Duke of Edinburgh, and a second grandchild for Their Majesties King George VI and Queen Elizabeth. The baby was born at Clarence House, and would later become known as Her Royal Highness the Princess Anne of Edinburgh.
Fay was back at the farm, and since she’d been doing temping work recently she’d been able to respond to yet another SOS from Roger – because his mother had gone to see her ailing brother again.
Now, Fay sat back on her heels and stared up into the blue sky for a moment, blowing out her cheeks. Roger grinned across at her, then went over to the wheelbarrow to fetch a couple of bottles of his mother’s elderflower cordial. He uncorked both, handed one to Fay, then sat down next to her, drinking from his bottle freely.
After a few moments, glancing at him, she said – ‘It is nine years…nine whole years…since the very first time I did this enviable task.’ She nodded in front of her to the rows and rows of potatoes waiting to be dug from the ground. ‘The first thing that Alice, Evie and me were given to do as your Land Girls.’ Fay took a swig from her bottle of cordial. ‘Mind, we did get quite good at it, didn’t we – you have to admit that,’ she said.