by E. Van Lowe
Never Slow Dance with a Zombie
E. Van Lowe
In memory of Dad, who taught me to love books
Never
Slow Dance with a
Zombie
College Application
cover letter
Cranford College
3501 Trousdale Parkway
Amherst, MA 01002
Dear Sir or Madam:
If you are reading this letter because you are looking for adventurous, plucky young women who have succeeded in life against all odds yet still found the time to win the heart of the handsome, intelligent, yet sensitive football captain while acing all their classes--you can stop reading now. I am not the future college student you are looking for. To begin with, I hate pluck ... or spunk, or drive, or initiative. Or any of those words adults use when they're trying to describe the person they'd most like us to be.
Adults have a pretty poor sense of what it's really like in high school. They have no idea of the pressures we're under. For instance, the female lion has pluck. She gets up early in the morning and stalks across the hot Serengeti to hunt for the entire pride. Then, the moment she kills a wildebeest, or an antelope, or something that took a whole lot of effort, along comes a hyena, or some other natural enemy, and steals it from her--just like that. I realize high school is nothing like the Serengeti, but you'd be surprised how many hyenas there are in high school, just waiting to snatch a young lady's kill. So if you're looking for plucky, I am not the student for you.
However, if you are interested in a future college student with more flaws than a casaba melon, but one who is loyal, resourceful, never gives up, and who can learn from her mistakes, please read the enclosed essay. It tells in gory detail of my junior year in high school. It was a year during which I learned many painful personal lessons, not the least of which is why you should never slow dance with a zombie.
Very truly yours,
Margot Jean Johnson
P.S. Adults don't fare very well in my story. If you are a thin-skinned adult, you should throw this in the trash basket immediately!
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Chapter One
"Do you think I'm a failure?"
"Absolutely," replied Sybil Mulcahy, my best friend in the world since the eighth grade. Or should I say former best friend, considering her response was clearly not what I was looking for.
We were in my bedroom studying. Actually, we were pretending to study. For those of you out of the loop, studying is teen girl code for talking about boys, parents, siblings, fashion, life--anything but school.
Sybil noticed my brow wrinkling and immediately tried buying her response back. "Wait!" she said. "You fooled me. Usually when you ask me a question the answer is yes. Do I look good in capris? Should I wear pink lipstick? Do you think I'm smart? Am I losing weight? Do you think I'm pretty? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. So, you see? You lulled me into a false sense of yesness. I'm taking my answer back. Ask me again?"
"Forget about it, Syb. You answered truthfully." I rested the heel of my bare foot atop my French book lying on the bed. The books were there in case a parent happened to walk in on
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our study session. The current session involved painting our toenails.
"No. No, I didn't. Ignore that silly, ludicrous, and ridiculous answer. Now that I'm hearing correctly, my answer is a definite no, of course not. You are in no way a failure. What would make you say that, anyway?"
She was sitting on the floor, her back against the bed, applying clear polish to her toes. Sybil rarely used color. She didn't like standing out. She didn't even like the idea of her toenails standing out--go figure.
"Remember this?" I waved the dog-eared sheet of loose-leaf paper I'd recently removed from my box of special things. The box was kept under my bed, away from prying eyes. By plying eyes I mean my little creep of a brother, Theo.
"What is it?" Sybil asked without looking up. She continued painting slowly, methodically.
"My high school manifesto," I said as I applied a coat of Firehouse nail polish to my big toe.
I'd written the manifesto the night after middle school graduation. At the time, middle school seemed the low point of my existence. Each day for three long years I attended a school where I was constantly reminded of what a zero I was. I deemed it an experience never to be repeated. Boy, was I ever mistaken. My two years and two months at Salesian High made those middle school years seem like a Disney World vacation.
"I remember," said Sybil, her voice rising. "We were sitting right here, eating snickerdoodles and planning our fabulous high school careers. It was right after graduation, so we didn't even have to pretend we were studying."
She laughed out loud. Normally I would have joined her, but today there was nothing to laugh about.
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"Read it," she said. She stopped painting midtoe, and looked at me with anticipation.
I shook my head. "What's the use? I've accomplished nothing on this list."
"Margot, that's ridiculous. I'm sure you've accomplished something. Go on, read it. If you won't, I will." She reached for the page. I yanked it away.
"All right already!" I sighed. I smoothed the wrinkles from the manifesto and read: and the entire world, hereby decree that my
My High School Manifesto
I Margot Jean Johnson, being of sound mind and in front of my best friend, Sybil Mulcahy. and the entire world, hereby decree that my high
school experience will far exceed that of junior high.
I will be popular.
I will be more popular than Amanda Culpepper.
I will be invited to parties
I will be invited to more parties than Amanda
Culpepper
I will have parties that kids will want to go to
5 a. Amanda Culpepper will not be invited
6, I will have a boyfriend.
7. I will have a boyfriend who is cuter than
Amanda Culpepper's
8, I will be Homecoming Queen.
8 a. Amanda Culpepper, eat your heart out!
9. I will be a cheerleader
10. I will have a ca
10. I will be Poem Queen.
11. Amanda Culpepper shall be done of these thing
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"Wow," said Sybil as I finished reading. "I didn't realize how obsessed you were with Amanda Culpepper back then."
"What are you talking about? I wasn't obsessed with Amanda Culpepper. I couldn't care less about Amanda Culpepper."
She screwed the top back onto the nail polish bottle. "Not obsessed, huh?" she said, eyeing me skeptically.
"No. Of course not."
"Then how come her name is all over your manifesto?"
"I was using her as a benchmark, Syb. I could have used the name ... oh, Kirsten Dunst, to make my point."
"Riiight," she said, although I'm quite sure she didn't believe me. She changed the subject. "If it makes you feel any better, look at number one on the list. You are popular. Remember that time in gym class when we played dodgeball and all the girls, even Amanda, voted you the designated dodger? I do believe it was unanimous."
I stared at her. Was she being serious, or just trying to be nice? Sybil is the Queen of Nice. When I first met her she was standing in front of a bulldozer trying to keep it from plowing over an old tree. She clearly has a tendency to take niceness to unheard-of levels.
"Syb, being unanimously chosen as the person to throw balls at is not my idea of popularity."
"Oh? Okay, I guess I can see that." She again peered at the manifesto. "How about number three? We go to parties. My fifteenth birthday party. What a blast. We danced all night."
It was a slumber party whose exclusive guest list boasted three: me, Sybil, and her cat, Sebastian. We partied the night away to her grandmother's ancient Tom Jones recordings. Didn't she realize how utterly pathetic that sounded? She was obviously being nice. Again!
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I read number six: "I will have a boyfriend." I shot her a look that had failure written all over it.
"I don't remember that." She took the page from my hand and read it for herself, as if that was going to change things. She looked up at me. "Okay, so no boyfriends, yet. We still have almost two years of high school left. We'll have boyfriends. And not just any boyfriends. Dirk Conrad even."
Dirk Conrad was a six-foot-two senior, with a great body and glacier-blue eyes that made every girl at school ache in her loins. Okay, so maybe nobody got a loin-ache, but you know what I mean. Dirk was hot.
"We can't both go out with Dirk Conrad, Syb."
"I know, silly. I'm using him as a benchmark."
She had to know that the Dirk Conrads of the world wouldn't be caught dead dating my type. And if you're wondering what my type is, let's just say I'm not the type to wind up on the cover of a fashion magazine. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fat. I'm just not skinny. I'm what I like to call an in-betweener.
"I appreciate the sentiment. But I don't think I'm Dirk's type."
"Why not?" She stared at me all wide-eyed and innocent. It was as if Sybil had moved here from Mars three years ago instead of Monrovia, California. She had no idea about high school protocol. A jock like Dirk Conrad, a senior, would never date me. Aside from not being Heidi Klum, I wasn't a member of the pool of girls that jocks at our school normally went out with. Unfortunately, Amanda-- gag!- Culpepper was. Not that I cared.
I did appreciate that Sybil saw me as this amazing person who could run in any circle, fit in anywhere, and do almost anything. But she shouldn't get delusional about it.
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"I think you should ask him to go to the carnival Thursday night," she suddenly said.
"Huh? Ask who?"
"Why, Dirk Conrad, of course."
And the delusion continues.
"Are we talking about the real Dirk Conrad or the benchmark Dirk Conrad? Because the real Dirk Conrad doesn't even know I exist."
"He doesn't know you exist yet. But he will." She smiled and leaned in. There was conspiracy in her eyes. "The carnival is a Sadie Hawkins event."
"I know."
"That means girls can ask boys."
"I know."
"His Facebook page says he doesn't have a date yet."
"I know!" Panic was beginning to rise in the pit of my stomach as I realized where the conversation was headed.
"The worst he can say is no."
"Uh-uh! No way!"
Didn't she get what a no from Dirk Conrad could mean? "No is a powerful word and not to be taken lightly, Syb. If Amanda and her Twigettes found out Dirk declined my invitation I'd be a laughingstock."
'I thought you weren't obsessed with Amanda."
"I'm not. But there's no sense in inviting ridicule."
"Margot, if we're ever going to make the manifesto a reality we have to start somewhere."
She was right about that. If I was going to keep from being a total high school washout I needed to accomplish something on the list.
"I could get a car," I suddenly said. "That's on the list."
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"You crossed it out. I think it was because of how hysterically your father laughed when you ran the idea past him."
"True. He laughed himself into an asthma attack. But now that I'm thinking about it, a car is way more realistic than dating Dirk." I erased the cross-out mark.
"There. Now we've got something to shoot for," I said, brushing eraser crumbs from the manifesto. "You know, I think we should sign up for driver's ed next semester. If I get a car, one of us should know how to drive it."
"What if I ask him for you?"
Instinctively I stiffened. Was I hearing correctly? "Why would you do that?"
"We're best friends, Margot. And I know you'd like to go out with him."
"Well... yeah." I swallowed hard.
"There you have it. What are best friends for if not to do cool stuff for each other?"
Some days it seemed as if Sybil really was from Mars. Best friends rarely do cool stuff for each other at our age. High school is where best friends sometimes stab each other in the back.
"What do you think?" she asked, smiling up at me.
What I thought was, No Earth girl can be this naive. But of course, I didn't say that. At first, I was going to remind her that she was as shy as I was when it came to boys--shyer even. But all of a sudden, I was finding it hard to concentrate. The idea of going to the carnival with Dirk had invaded my thoughts. And I have to admit, I liked the invasion.
"And you don't have to worry about any embarrassment," she continued. "If he says no, he'll be saying no to me."
"But why would he say yes? He doesn't even know me."
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"Dirk is so cute, I'll bet every girl at school is afraid to ask him out. They're probably all thinking, He'll never go to the carnival with me."
"That's pretty much what I was thinking."
"I know, but don't you see? Poor Dirk will probably spend Thursday night home alone because everyone is too chicken to ask him out Everyone, but you."
Her argument was making sense. Still, I had my doubts. "I don't know, Syb "
'Imagine the look on Amanda Culpepper's face when you show up at the carnival with Dirk."
And just like that, I didn't have so many doubts.
"Amanda and her twigs will be sooo jealous," she sang.
Amanda Culpepper jealous of me?
This was worth considering.
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Chapter Two
The following morning I still couldn't get the thought of Amanda being jealous of me off my mind. I imagined her envious eyes following as I strolled the carnival grounds on Dirk's arm. The thought had me giddy with delight.
Sybil and I were halfway through the fifteen-block walk to school. We rarely took the bus. The bus was divided into cliques, and was yet another reminder of my failure. The cliques included Amanda and her twigs--a.k.a. the Twigettes or it-girls; the Goths; the emos; the jocks; the girl jocks--a.k.a. girls who think skintight warm up suits with writing on the butt and matching tennis shoes are cute (they're not); the preps (rich kids headed for the Ivy League); the stoners; and lastly the stoner nerds. Stoner nerds are kids who think getting stoned will make them cool. It won't. A nerd is a nerd. When Sybil and I rode the bus there was a ninth clique: two cute girls who were too cool to be subjected to this junk--us.
"Cliques are so unnecessary," said Sybil as we walked.
"I know" was all I could muster. The school's cliques were
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Sybil's one pet peeve. Normally I'd indulge her outrage, but today I was too excited to even fake it.
"You never really gave me an answer last night," she suddenly said.
"Answer? About what?" Yes, I know it's the only thing I'd been thinking about. But I've got my pride.
We were crossing Maple Street when Sybil stopped and eyed me knowingly. "Margot, this is me. I know you've been thinking about it."
"All right, you got me. I can't get it off my mind."
"And?"
And why not ask Dirk out? I thought. If he says yes-hallelujah. If he says no, it would be a request from some strange girl he'd probably never remember. I would be shielded from all embarrassment. I envisioned me and Dirk at the carnival, riding rides, eating cotton candy, holding hands. There was a third person in that imagined picture that made it seem perfect--a person whose jealous eyes would be on me all night.
"All right," I finally said. "Let's do it."
Sybil smiled.
I smiled; then I mentally began preparing myself for gym class, or as I like to call it, forty-five minutes of hell.
"
Margot Jean Johnson!" Mrs. Mars, my gym teacher, bellowed in her deep, hoarse tone. "I don't care how many notes you bring from home. If you don't pass the state endurance exam you are failing PE, young lady." She waved my most recent excuse note in my face.
I was very proud of that note. It was my best creative effort so far:
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Dear Mrs. Mars,
Please excuse our daughter and the apple of our eye, Margot, from participating in gym class today. We had dinner at Captain Pete's last night where she accidentally swallowed a fish bone, and we fear all that running and jumping you force the kids to do may cause her to puncture a lung.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Trudi Johnson
"Ow, ow, ow!" I screeched from my perch atop the bleachers where all the girls with notes sat. I clutched at my chest. "Physical activity could kill me." I coughed feebly for effect.
"Poppycock!" snarled Mrs. Mars. "You'll pass the state en-durance exam, or you'll be right back here next semester. Same bat time, same bat channel."
Mrs. Mars was the gym teacher from hell, an ancient leftover from the seventies when breaking rocks with sledgehammers was considered exercise. She dressed in long pleated skirts and industrial-strength tennis shoes as if she were teaching gym class in Bulgaria. Her hair was cinched back into a tight bun, and around her neck she wore a hideous blue scarf. While she may have thought of it as a fashion statement, I was certain the scarf was there to hide the chicken skin that rippled along her throat.
"I want to work out, I really do. But I'm all my parents have got"
A few snickers erupted from the group on the gym floor. I stiffened, knowing who they were from. My eyes moved to Amanda Culpepper and her crew. Amanda tossed back a lock of blond hair and smirked in my direction. She and her crew were already in their gym uniforms.
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