by Susan Harris
Nickolai didn’t respond, just continued to eat my bloody cheesecake until I punched him in the shoulder. “Don’t be mean.”
“You want some?”
“You know I do. Gimmie!”
“Open your mouth.”
I didn’t understand what he intended to do until he raised the fork and was heading toward me with it. I frowned, reaching for the fork. “Ryan can feed herself, thank you very much.”
“Then Ryan gets no cake,” Nickolai teased, eating the bite himself.
How rude!
Sighing, I motioned for him to give me some cake, opening my mouth obediently and clamping it shut on the bite he proffered. A moan escaped from me as I tasted the sweet morsel, closing my eyes and letting the fork slide through my lips before swallowing the bite.
A scent filled the air, and I snapped my eyes open, finding Nickolai’s eyes focused on my mouth. He set the fork down and reached out with his thumb, gently brushing some crumbs from my lips. He then placed his thumb in his mouth and sucked, his eyes never leaving mine for a second.
This was not how I’d assumed the night would go, and I wasn’t about to drop all of my walls because Nickolai had remembered my favorite dinner and fed me a bite of my favorite dessert. We couldn’t go down this road. Not ever.
As if sensing my thoughts, Nickolai lifted another mouthful to my lips, and I opened up for him, my heart threatening to punch free of my chest. I couldn’t breathe; his scent was all around me, from his hand on my leg to his thumb grazing my lips as he continued to feed me cake. It wasn’t long until all I wanted was to get right in his lap and see if his lips were as soft as his thumb felt.
Jerking backward, I leapt out of my seat and shook my head. “You have to stop. You have to leave me alone.”
“And if I refuse?” he retorted with a smug smile on his face.
“This is my life, Nicky. My goddamn life. Whatever fairy-tale you have in your head, it can’t happen. Whatever you think is going on here isn’t.”
“Liar.” He rose and prowled toward me, setting his arms on either side of my head as he leaned his forehead against mine. “Liar.”
I nearly had a heart attack. His lips were inches from mine, and I could smell the beer and blood on his breath. My body wanted him so badly it was screaming, but my mind yelled to at me to run.
So, I fucking ran. I ducked under his arms and bolted from the restaurant into the night, even as my training screamed at me for leaving Nickolai unguarded. But the cold night air did nothing to temper the furnace that burned me from the inside out.
17
Like a coward, I stayed out until the sun’s rays threated to pierce through the early morning cloud cover. I had watched from afar as Nickolai got into the Mercedes, making sure he was driven home safely before I walked the city streets by myself. I was, however, on high alert as the rogue had a nasty habit of popping up when I was all alone. It was only then I remembered none of the vampires had filled me in on the rogue’s identity.
Slipping into the apartment as quietly as I possibly could, I saw the plastic container with the second slice of cheesecake on the counter, a yellow Post-it Note stuck on it. As I peered down at the note, I frowned at the single word screaming in the quiet.
Liar was scrawled in Nickolai’s elegant handwriting.
I pushed the cake aside, taking off my jacket and flopping down on the couch. Covering my eyes with my forearm, I chastised myself for letting Nickolai chip away at my resistance. I should’ve stayed in the goddamn vent.
Was I so weak I turned to mush after a piece of cake?
Ryan, darling, before you can learn to wield a sword, you must learn to fight with the weapons you were born with.
My mother’s voice ran through my mind as if she were next to me, and I closed my eyes, and remembering how she’d sat me on her lap, telling me that a woman needed to fight with her words and her person first. She was the first person to inform me that males of our species would underestimate us because we looked beautiful and fragile.
My mother had never appeared fragile to me—she was the strongest person I knew, even over my dad. He had this way of making her seem softer than she was, but my parents were different vampires when they were around each other and me.
I smiled to myself as I plotted revenge against Nickolai, shooting off a text to Krista asking her to come to the party with me. She replied in an instant with a heck of a lot of emojis I couldn’t translate. I told her to come by the apartment to get ready, and we could leave from here.
Evening arrived far too soon, though some of my bravado had dissipated during the day as I tossed and turned in bed. When the door to the bedroom opened and Nickolai strode out in nothing but a low-hanging pair of basketball shorts, I quickly decided revenge was a dessert best served cold.
“Evening,” he said.
“Krista is coming over to get ready for the party, so you might as well head on over and help them set up.”
“You’re going?” Nickolai asked with a bemused expression on his face.
I shrugged. “YOLO.”
I refused to move from the couch as Nickolai went off to get dressed for his human party, rolling my eyes when he asked if I was planning on wearing anything fancy. There came the hum of the elevator around seven, and Krista stepped inside the apartment as Nickolai made to leave. She waved excitedly, wearing the outfit Rose had picked out for her. She looked like sunshine in a bottle, and when I was dressed, I’d look like the Grim Reaper.
“Bye, darling, I’ll see you later,” Nickolai called, grinning over his shoulder as I flipped him off.
“Bite me, asshole.”
Nickolai winked at me, and I rolled my eyes because of course he would go there.
Krista watched us with amusement as I said hello and ran off to shower. Afterward, I towel-dried my hair and wrapped myself in one of Nickolai’s tees, knowing he’d stroke out scenting his scent on my skin. I called to Krista, and she came in and worked some magic on my hair, curling it so that it bounced, light and effortless.
I took the dress out of the bag much to Krista’s dismay—she gave me hell for leaving such a dress in a bag. Slipping it on anyway, I turned to face her, and Krista’s jaw dropped to the ground. Suddenly, I felt self-conscious.
“I can change… you know, if it’s too much.”
“Oh, hell no! You look stunning. I wish I could pull off a dress like that. Wait, why are you putting your feet into sneakers?”
“I don’t have any other shoes. It’s my Chucks or barefoot.”
Krista tapped her chin for a second or two, then grabbed my military jacket and slung it over my shoulders. “There. Now you look like Ryan.”
Krista went into the kitchen to arrange a makeup station, and I slipped the lace sheath Rose had given me around my thigh and found a dagger small enough fit in it.
When ready, she made me sit on the counter as she dusted and brushed makeup on my face, applying a dark red lip that shouldn’t have worked with my coloring but did.
By eight-thirty we were ready to go, and I was suddenly extremely nervous. We called a cab to take us to the frat house. On the drive, I listened as Krista told me that her boyfriend was coming to visit for Christmas and couldn’t wait to meet me.
I smiled at my friend as she invited me to come to a show with her after the Christmas break, and I agreed—if I was still around, that was.
The cab pulled up outside a massive house that had obviously been converted into a living space for the athletes of St. Pat’s. Music vibrated the ground beneath our feet as we walked up the path, the party obviously in full swing by the time we arrived. I hung back as Krista knocked on the door.
It swung open not a second later, and we were greeted by a smiling Braydon, plastic cup in hand.
“Ryan! You came! Damn, girl, you look good. Hey, Krista.”
Krista greeted him and headed inside, and I followed after her as Braydon closed the door behind us. The smell of sweat and beer greete
d me as I ran my eyes over the mass of bodies gyrating along to the music being played by a DJ over to the side. This main room was the size of a small nightclub, and I was sure this wasn’t the first party they’d thrown.
I’d spent a lot of time watching TV shows and movies about college parties, and I was a little disappointed by how unremarkable it was in real life. Krista nudged me as I zoned out, dragging my attention back to Braydon, who was offering to take our coats.
Slipping out of my jacket, Braydon was practically drooling over me, making me squirm. Krista grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the alcohol, pouring two drinks from the keg and handing one plastic cup to me. We clinked our cups and I grinned, making our way toward the main party. When a classic NKOTB song came on, I bopped my head along with the music.
I drained my drink quickly, taking another offered by Braydon, who seemed to be clinging to us. But I guessed normal eighteen-year-old girls wouldn’t drink like they were blokes. I sipped the beer Braydon had given me, frowning at the odd bitterness but drinking it nonetheless.
Krista nudged me again with a knowing grin lighting up her eyes, and I followed her line of sight to where Nickolai watched me like I was prey, his eyes almost comically bulging out of his head. I drained my second drink and set down my cup as the song changed to Ginuwine’s “Pony,” and I dragged Krista to the floor.
Closing my eyes, I moved my body in time with the music. Krista laughed at me, but I could feel her dancing beside me. We seemed to have gathered a crowd, and I opened my eyes to discover Brayden and the other boys from Nickolai’s class sidling up to bump and grind with us.
I’d never felt free like this before, my body tingling as I felt familiar hands fall to my hips. As he swayed with the movement of my hips, I reached up and wrapped my hand around his neck. I dipped low a little, and Nickolai sucked in a breath.
“You’re gonna be the death of me, Ryan. What in Eve’s hell are you wearing? That dress is painted to your body.”
His words were a husky whisper in my ear as the song ended and I reached for the second cup in Braydon’s outstretched hand, chugged it down to whoops and applause.
“Careful, Ryan. Don’t forget yourself.”
I slipped free of Nickolai’s grasp and stumbled a little, wrapping my arms around Braydon’s neck for stability. “It’s a party, Nicky. Try and look like you’re having fun.”
“Yeah, Nico. It’s a party, and Ryan just wants to have fun.”
Nickolai glared at his friend as Krista dragged me away from the testosterone and we danced our hearts out. For the first time in a long time, I was just Ryan. No one knew me, or judged me, or waited for me to make a mistake. I danced with men; I danced with women; I was having the time of my life. I felt more buzzed then I normally did, but to be fair, I was knocking back the drinks as fast a Braydon could hand them to me. At one point, I twirled myself around so fast I got dizzy and stumbled, but Nickolai was there to catch me.
Grinning, I snaked my arms around his neck. “Do you like my dress, Nicky? I wore it specially… specially for you. Thank you for buying it for me.” I leaned into him, felt him respond to my touch, and sighed. “You look good, Nicky.”
Nickolai froze, even as I continued swaying along to the music. “How much has she had to drink, Krista?”
“I’m not sure; I don’t know why she’s like this.”
I dropped my arms from Nickolai’s neck and pouted, my head beginning to pound. “Everyone wants Ryan to let loose, but when Ryan does, Nicky gets all grumpy. I can’t win. Leave me alone, buzzkills. I don’t need your negativizes.”
I backed away from them, wondering why my legs felt all weird, pressing two fingers to my temple as the floor seemed to shift with each step I took.
Spotting Braydon coming toward me with another drink, I gave him a lopsided smile. “Braydon! Come dance with Ryan!”
Braydon chuckled as he winked at his friends over my head, but I didn’t care. I grabbed him and wrapped his hands around my waist, then stuck out my tongue at Nickolai. I’d gone to all this effort for him, and he was acting like I was embarrassing him.
“Nico doesn’t know what he’s missing, Ryan. If you were my girl, I’d never let another man put his hands on you.”
I took another sip of beer, and the room spun. I felt nausea creep up my throat, and I knew I was going to be sick. Stumbling away from Braydon, I managed to make it outside before I vomited into the bushes.
There was something wrong with me—really wrong with me.
I felt a cold hand on the back of my head as I was shoved against the wall of the house. For the life of me, I couldn’t so much as lift my hand to smack the person away.
“Dude, how much did you give her?”
“Enough she should be out cold. Or dead.”
“Braydon?” I didn’t realize I’d said his name out loud until I felt the press of his knee against my thigh. Suddenly, I was terrified.
“Braydon, at least take her around the side of the house. Too many people can see you out here, man. Nico will decapitate you if he finds out.”
“Then it’s lucky she won’t remember a goddamn thing in the morning, isn’t it? Now shut up and keep a lookout.”
His hands were all over me, and I started crying. I wasn’t this kind of girl, the girl who let things happen to her like this. This shouldn’t be happening to me.
Braydon ran his tongue over the curve of my neck, and I shuddered with revulsion, begging my muscles to react as I ordered myself to fight. They just wouldn’t comply.
I choked back a cry as I heard Braydon unbuckle his belt, and I wondered if the first time I had sex would be rape.
Braydon’s weight against me was gone a second later, and I crumpled to the ground, unable to support myself. Suddenly Krista was next to me, bending down to take me in her arms, and I hid my face in shame and confusion. I could hear the sound of bone crunching nearby, and I tried to get to my feet, my muscles like jelly as Krista shouted Nickolai’s name and I vomited all over my shoes.
“Nico, man, you’ll kill him!” someone shouted.
“I don’t care.”
But I did. If Nickolai ripped his head clean off, we’d be exposed. I barely had the clarity to focus on that thought, but I put all my energy into it as I crawled forward, calling Nickolai’s name. I vomited again, my body trembling, and I lay down on the cold concrete, utterly spent and wanting to die.
I must have drifted off because the next thing I knew, I was being carried away from the party, my head lolling against Nickolai’s chest. Nausea rose again so suddenly I barely managed to tell Nickolai I was gonna be sick before I lurched forward and decorated the pavement.
I started to cry, and Nickolai hushed me.
The next time I woke, Nickolai was pacing the floor of the apartment, phone to his ear, growling. “Jack, they gave her enough ketamine to knock out a fucking elephant. She won’t stop throwing up. Get here as quick as you can. Her pulse and heartrate are all over the place.”
“I’m sorry,” I rasped, my mouth as dry as sandpaper. “I only wanted to make you want me as much as you made me want you.”
Nickolai dropped down in front of me, and I ducked my head in shame. “Hey, don’t worry about that now, okay? I just want you to feel better.”
“That’s the problem,” I slurred quietly. “You make me feel… you make me feel… And I don’t like it. I want it to stop. Right now, mister.” I lifted my gaze to Nickolai’s and whispered, “You make me want things I know I can’t have.”
Promptly ruining the moment, I puked all over the floor, Nickolai’s hands in my hair as he waited for me to stop vomiting. Vomiting turned into dry heaving, and after an age of agony, the heaving finally stopped and my eyes were heavy again.
“I know you’re sleepy, Ryan, but you’ve got to stay awake until Jack gets here. Don’t close your eyes, dammit. Don’t close your eyes on me.”
I pried my eyes open with my fingers, and when he smiled at me, I could see the
boy I had once known and the man he had become. I reached out and cupped his cheek, and he leaned into my touch.
“I don’t know where I stand with you,” he began, “and I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is every time I think about you, I want to be with you.”
“Soppy git.”
As the reality of what had almost happened crashed over me like a cold wave, I reached my capacity for staying calm. I could feel my face pressed against the coldness of the wall; I could feel Braydon’s hands all over me.
I felt dirty, like his fingerprints were tattooed on my skin, and I tore at the dress, hysterical as I ripped the fabric off and swatted away Nickolai as I stepped out of the ruined garment. Falling to the floor, I crawled to the corner, hugging my knees to my chest, not caring I was naked.
Stupid… I was so stupid. I was so goddamn stupid.
Sobbing, I beat my fists against my temple, only stopping when I felt gentle hands on my wrists. I glanced up through blurry eyes as Jack let go of my wrists. He gently placed a T-shirt over my head, and I inhaled Nickolai’s scent.
“You’ve been dosed really good, kiddo. But we got you.”
I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, my dad was in front of me, his face full of concern and his eyes filled with pain. I reached out, touching my fingers to the stubble on his cheek. “Daddy?”
I blinked, and Jack’s face came back into focus. I was so thrown I clamped a hand over my mouth before I upchucked all over him.
Jack placed a bucket next to me, and I vomited into it, shivering as I rested my head on my knees and cried and cried and cried.
“I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna skin him alive for what he tried to do.”
“Take it down a notch, Nickolai. She feels bad enough without you getting into trouble for kicking a human scum’s ass. Have her report it. If she wants to. Everything that happens from here on out is down to Ryan. She’s the victim in all this, not you.”
Victim. I was a victim. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to go back to who I was before, to the confines and safety of my bedroom, sure of who I was and what I wanted. Now… now I was someone’s victim.