She was well liked at the university. The group she hung out with found her stories about the small town she was from hilarious. They couldn’t imagine such a nothing town as where she was from.
She didn’t date, although she was eyed up about a dozen times to. She never encouraged any of the guys to engage in more than idle chitchat. She felt nothing when they looked at her, or smiled, or tried to flirt with her. No longer blushing, she did not feel a deep tightening in her gut, or her toes curling with nerves. She could just talk to guys with no problems anymore. That was because every single one of them left her cold. They didn’t have special smiles for her that could communicate from across an entire room how they felt about her. If they happened to touch her, they didn’t make her skin feel like it was being fanned by an inferno. They never challenged her to figure out what they were thinking either, because she really didn’t care what any of them were thinking.
She went to a party in March and drank way too much. Glancing around the crowded, loud apartment, her heart stopped when she spotted a way too tall, thin man with red hair. She started after him, her heart quaking as her legs rushed forward. Ian? But no. Damn it! No! Of course not. When the man turned, she saw he was a paler, duller version of the man she was hoping to see. Her hands dropped to her side in total disappointment, quite disproportionate to the incident, which was, most likely, ignited by her overconsumption of alcohol. God, she had to get over Ian. She was there to experience life and love, and to make mistakes and freaking live, not sit around, pining for a man from home. She was not there to be safe and boring. She was there to do all the things she’d never again get the chance to do. All the things River’s End prevented her from doing.
She was a little surprised she didn’t miss sex at all. Not even once. Not even the tiniest, mildest blush of want. She simply never thought of it; although she checked out every number and type of young, hot guys. Some were built and preppy, others were obviously loners with long hair, and still others were tattooed and bad-ass. It was a smorgasbord of men. She could have sampled any type and any flavor. But did she? No. She hadn’t the least desire to. But that was not the point. She felt nothing when they looked at her flirtatiously. Whereas, after she had been with Ian, she could barely endure the day or two they had to wait until the next time they could be together. They must’ve slept together a hundred times, at least, during the fall and winter. But now? Nothing about sex even remotely interested her. She didn’t care about it.
She finally decided to try with another student in her Political Science class. He was medium height, and rowed on the UW crew team with a body that didn’t deny it. They hit it off while working on a team project. When everyone else left her apartment, he stayed. Trisha and a few friends came over and they all had a few drinks. Pretty soon, she and Trenton wound up on her twin bed, which was shoved against the wall of her small room. He groped her boobs and kissed her mouth hungrily, tugging her shirt out of the way. When his hands slipped down her pants, she soon found herself staring over his back at the ceiling. He just didn’t quite… do it right. She didn’t know exactly why, and couldn’t articulate what was wrong. She didn’t make a sound and he never once made eye contact. He also didn’t seem to notice or care about what she thought of his technique. Naturally, he didn’t get her off. She finally faked it just to get him to stop. As soon as he quit touching her, he must’ve assumed all was good with her, and started to undo his own jeans. She sat up, her alcohol-soaked brain instantly realizing she did not want to see his junk. No way. No how. Still not the greatest fan of it, she sure as hell didn’t need a guy she barely knew waving it in front of her. Or expecting her to touch it. Uh-huh. No way.
She pretended to pass out, since that seemed the easiest way to avoid it. That meant they didn’t have to discuss it, or talk about calling again or going out some other time. She passed out, and he gently tried to rouse her. When she didn’t stir, he muttered, “cock tease” under his breath before fastening his pants and storming out of there in a huff.
She cracked an eye open when silence reigned once more, and jumped up, but still felt woozy and dizzy. She showered quickly and scrubbed his slimy hands off her. That was definitely not worth it. She stripped the bed and put on clean bedding. She lay on it, her mind still muzzy and her head still full. It was so depressing. Why didn’t it work? Why didn’t all those physical feelings she felt with Ian happen with another man?
Why couldn’t she let it go?
She grabbed her phone and dialed the only person she could think of who might understand her right now.
“Hello?”
“I know I woke you.”
“Lynnie? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just… I miss you. I miss home. I miss… him.”
She could hear Erin shuffling around and mumbling something, no doubt, to Jack. There was the shutting of the door before Erin said, “Then call him.”
“I can’t. What good will it do? But open it all up again and we’ll both be hurting. How is he?”
“He’s Ian. He acts as though he’s just fine. But you know that. He stays busy, doing God knows what. Is he okay? No. He’s surly and quiet and won’t smile, not even for me.”
“I keep thinking about the lake.”
Erin sighed. “I told Jack about that.”
“You what?”
“Not the sex part. Just the going up there part. He was surprised and said neither he nor Ian had been back there since.”
“Since when?”
“The last time they were all there together was with their dad. Two days later, their parents were killed in the car wreck. Why again did he take you there?”
She squeezed the phone in her hand and tears filled her eyes. “He said… he told me he thought I might like the pretty views. I wanted to take pictures and he said I could take a lot of them up there.”
Erin was silent. Then she added, “Well, I’m sure you’ll someday find someone else who’s willing to do something like that for you.”
Her eyes popped open. Was Erin irritated with her? “You told me to get out of there. Don’t you remember? You said not to let anything stop me.”
Erin blew a sigh into the phone. “I did. But I guess I didn’t realize how much he loves you. I didn’t know until I saw that kiss he gave you on Christmas Eve. That was not an Ian thing to do, especially in front of us. That was him, too overcome with emotion about me and Jack so he expressed it through you. And to you.”
“He never said he loved me.”
“Yes, he did. Just as clearly as Jack said it to me that night.”
“What do you think? I should just quit school and come back home and keep house for you all again?” Her scathing tone conveyed how agitated she was at hearing the truth of Erin’s words. But still, she refused to be a housekeeper for the rest of her life. That resolution was as real as her feelings about Ian.
“Why can’t you do both? I never dreamed you two would just break it off without even a postcard of contact. That’s weird, Kailynn. Jesus, just call him. Text him. Email him. The choices are endless… just freaking make some contact with him. You get my point.”
“What? Actually I don’t get what you’re saying. I should be here, or there? Am I a heartless bitch for not seeing how Ian braved his childhood misery, and all so I could see something pretty? Or am I a loser because I still want the boy from my hometown and I can’t seem to let go of him, even though I’m living the dream I always thought I wanted?”
Erin’s laugh was appreciative. “Honestly? I don’t know. I think I might have screwed up. I cornered Ian a few months back and told him to let you go. I insisted he had to do that. I just thought you needed to get out of here, and follow your dreams. But, Lynnie? What if I did it only because I wanted you to do what I could never do?”
“You talked to Ian?”
Erin was silent, but finally, in a small voice said, “I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. Remember how badly you didn’t want
to be a housekeeper and waitress here?”
“I know. I do want this. I like being here. I just like him too.”
“Call him. Maybe you should tell him.”
“Is he there?”
“I don’t know. He comes and goes, keeping his own hours. You know that.”
“Has Odette Mason been around there?”
Erin’s voice was weird. “Why would Mrs. Mason come over here?”
“Because that’s the woman he sleeps with when I’m not available,” she admitted. She threw her arm over her eyes. Maybe she should not have been telling Erin that. Wasn’t it supposed to be kept a secret? Her buzzed brain instantly regretted having loose lips.
“Wow. Uh. Okay. Ian has not shocked me of late. But still waters and all that…”
“Still waters run deep? Yeah, that’s definitely Ian. He’s an enigma, a mystery, I can never totally figure out. I can’t imagine even a lifetime would be long enough to get him totally figured out.”
Erin’s silence grew heavy. Kailynn thought maybe she’d said something profound. “What?” she finally muttered.
“Sometimes, I think alcohol answers our questions by showing us the truth. Go to sleep, Lynnie. We’ll talk later.”
She thought that was the best idea, but she couldn’t stop thinking about the lake. Being there on that gilded, fall afternoon, when he so sweetly, and so perfectly touched her and made her feel things no boy ever could. He didn’t maul her, acting all clueless and stupid, using a dirty mattress that was slept on by dozens of other students. He took her to the most beautiful, cleanest spot on earth and made her feel like sex was the most natural and pure act a woman could share with a man.
Was it any wonder she shunned the drunken frat boys, who could only remotely hope to be with her?
****
The county permits finally came through and the Rydells had zoning approval to start building the cabins, come the spring thaw. They had to jump through one hoop after another, but Ian was actually grateful for that because it kept him so busy. He knew it would go fast once they got started. He, Jack, AJ, Caleb and Jordan planned to hit it like a thunderbolt. Ian got the plans and materials reproduced and onsite.
However, none of it meant a damn to him anymore. He could have cared less about it. All it provided was something to do. Something that prevented him from staring at the house he now hated. Previously, there was never a time when he’d walk in and Kailynn would not be there. Even before they hooked up, her presence was a regular thing, and he always made sure he saw her almost daily. He ate at the café so often, he had a running tab. And all to see Kailynn.
He missed her. He had to admit he did. He expected he would. He tried to shut his head down from remembering sexy images of her, along with memories of their conversations. Ian searched in vain for that cold, calculating side of him that helped him handle his parents’ untimely death, and later, Lily’s. It wasn’t like the Rydells hadn’t gotten used to tragedy. Perhaps that was the reason why, for so many years, they preferred living together, long past the time when they should have. It was hard to let go when everything they cherished most had already been ripped away from them.
Joey came home for a few days and it felt like the house and ranch returned to life again. Even Ian didn’t realize how much he missed his younger brother. Joey had the goodness, exuberance, and fun that he and Jack lacked. Joey was the youngest and still acted like it. He brought with him a youthful joy that the rest of them lost long ago. He still hadn’t acquired the hard edges that Ian, Jack, and Shane possessed. Maybe that was because he never really remembered their parents. Or his grief. He only knew Jack and Lily as his primary caregivers. Perhaps, that made him softer, and more trusting, and more open to the world. Joey’s energy and innocence helped to lighten everyone’s mood. But Joey couldn’t stay longer than a week whenever he came to visit.
It was the first time in Ian’s life he hated being at the ranch. The ranch was always his home. He always had a lot to do, of his own choosing. And a freedom most men envied. He always had the independence and freedom that Kailynn now sought.
He thought about calling her daily. But all he could picture was her groaning to herself on the other end, and tapping her foot, anxious to get off the phone and return to her new and exciting life. A life without horses, ranches, farms, small towns, and cowboys. Her new life should have been the only thing she ever wanted. Why would she want to be anchored by the man who embodied everything she was trying to get away from?
Then, one random night, Ian’s phone rang while he was driving. It was Kailynn’s ring tone, so he pulled off the road and grabbed it immediately. Glancing at the clock on his dash, he saw it was one in the morning. His heart cramped in his chest with fear.
“Are you all right?” he demanded without any preamble.
Silence, then she muttered, “Uh. Yes.”
“Why are you calling so late?”
She sighed right into her receiver. He waited, and she finally replied, “What are you doing out so late? Did you go back and see Odette?”
Her voice sounded very off. Weird. Accusational. She called just to accuse him of what? Being a single guy? He was allowed to have sex with whomever he chose. Her tone was louder than usual, and her words sounded loose and a bit off. “How did you know I was out?”
“Erin said you weren’t home.”
“Do you and Erin often discuss my hours and where I am?”
“No we pretend you don’t exist.”
“What’s different about tonight? Why are you calling?”
“I don’t know. I’m drunk. I… miss you.”
His breath caught and he stared into the dark night around him as he leaned his head against the steering wheel.
“Ian? Did you hear me?”
“I heard you.”
“Don’t you miss me?”
“Yes. But what good does it do to talk about it?”
“I don’t know. I just know I miss you. Do you ever think we might have made a mistake?”
He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the headrest. “Every day,” he finally muttered and heard her breath catch.
“I tried to have sex tonight.”
The stab of jealousy was sharp. “Please, spare me the details.”
“I pretended to pass out so he’d just leave. And he did. It wasn’t… it was nothing like you and me. It didn’t go very far.”
“Do you want me to say I’m glad? Or I’m sorry? I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I want this to be easier. I want to forget about you. I want to be completely here, all of me, even my heart. But it’s partly still in River’s End… with you.”
“And that’s why we ended it. You’ll forget about me soon enough. You’re just drunk and it seems worse than it really is.”
“I don’t think so,” she answered quietly. “Maybe… maybe you should just marry me. We’ll live in your house. I’ll cook and clean, I always did anyway, and we’ll have a bunch of kids and I’ll…”
“Grow to hate me, and leave like your mother left your father. No, I’m not going to marry you, Kailynn.”
She sighed. “I know. Sometimes it seems like the best fantasy.”
“It’s not.”
“Why don’t you ever call me?”
“It hurts too much.”
“I know. I can’t let you go. Not like I thought I could.”
“But you like it there?”
“I love it. I love school. I love living here. I just miss you.”
His heart sank for this had to go down as it did. “Go to bed. Sleep it off. You’ll remember why you’re there in the morning. And in the future, please don’t call me about sex, failed or otherwise. It’s not fair.”
He could hear her sniffling. She was crying. “None of this feels fair.”
“Good night, Lynnie.”
“You only call me that when you’re trying to pretend I don’t mean that much to you.”
“I’m hoping one day it will work.”
“Has it?”
He hesitated, tapping his hand against the steering wheel. Should he tell her the truth? Or save face? Finally, he did the only thing he could: he told her the truth. “No, it hasn’t.”
“Do you see other women?”
“Never.”
“I think I fell in love with you.”
“I think you probably did too,” he agreed. She sniffed again.
“You let me go for my own good, right?”
“Do you actually doubt that?”
“No.” She sighed. “Will you talk to me? Tonight? Will you talk to me for awhile?”
Against his better judgment, he sat on the side of the road and kept talking to Kailynn until after two o’clock in the morning, when the alcohol ultimately got the better of her.
When she phoned the next day, and the next, and the following week, he fought to resist the temptation to answer.
The first cold thing he ever did to her was make her leave River’s End without barely a word of protest. This was the second coldest thing he’d ever done to her, and by far, the hardest.
Chapter Seventeen
KAILYNN FINISHED OUT THE year and ended up doing summer school so that when she started again in the fall, she’d officially be a sophomore.
She had not seen her dad or her brothers since last January. Or Ian either. She missed all of them and was even starting to almost miss River’s End. Hitching a ride with a friend, who lived in Spokane, Kailynn decided to go home for a few weeks between summer and the start of the fall quarter. She was dropped off at her trailer and just stood there holding her stuff. The small, dumpy trailer that housed her family looked the same. Same ratty lawn. Same broken down cars scattered out past the shed and shops. The members of her family were kind of low class and messy. No denying that. She realized in a nanosecond that she didn’t miss this place. It was ugly and her memories of feeling trapped and small, and waking up with dread each day immediately filled her heart. No wonder she always dreamed of getting away.
River's Escape (River's End Series, #2) Page 27