I made it to my car, and I headed in the direction of the country club to find Evan. I pulled into a parking spot, and then realized not only was he not there, but I shouldn’t have been: I was depending on Evan’s sympathy to pull me through, to coach me through the problem, like I was used to Mia doing, and hoping I could avoid confronting it all together.
So now what?
Are you seeing this mess, Wyatt? A mess you left me to clean up because you were afraid to tell me the truth. It didn’t have to be this way, you know. Because if you would have been honest with me, you might still be here today. Was that deceit worth dying for?
CHAPTER 53
The one question I didn’t have answered was whether or not Laura was responsible for sending me those letters. And, if she was, I didn’t understand how or why.
That Monday, my father drove my mother for another postsurgery doctor visit, so I was alone at the office. I called Laura and asked her to meet me there. She didn’t ask what I needed to talk to her about. I wasn’t surprised.
From the moment she walked in, the weight of all she knew and hadn’t told me felt like a seismic rift between us.
“Those letters. Did you send them?”
The answer was in her eyes before she spoke.
“Yes. I’m sure you’re angry, and I can only imagine what you would really like to tell me. Please, just give me a chance to explain.”
I nodded. “But one question first. Did Jenny know anything about the letters?”
“No, and she still doesn’t. Not that I meant to keep them a secret from her, but they weren’t meant for her. But she would’ve wanted you to have them, too.”
Inside, I was biting my fingernails and pacing, wondering exactly what I was angry about. Was it that Laura mailed those letters to me, or was it that she knew they existed before I did? Had Wyatt, somehow, first shared them with her? If that was the case, then Wyatt was complicit in this as well. But dying took him out of the blame equation.
Before she started talking, she plucked a few tissues from the box on my desk and held them in her hands. I’d always thought of Laura as someone, not so much stoic, but in control of her emotions. Sharing this story wasn’t going to be easy for her.
“I have to go backward before I can go forward. When I found out about working for your parents, I didn’t connect the dots until after I had taken the job. But, knowing what I knew, I thought it would give me a chance to meet the woman Wyatt had loved so much. I came into this not really knowing what you knew already. After the few things your mom said about him, well, I hesitated to mention anything to her until maybe the two of us had spent more time together. I couldn’t figure out how to find out what you knew, and then Evan came into the picture. So I thought I should wait. But then the longer I was with your family, the more I realized you didn’t know anything about Jenny or Jacob.”
“You knew them when you and I first met?”
“No.” She shook her head. “Until we came to your house, I’d never met them in person. And if Gary hadn’t found that yellow legal pad in Wyatt’s locker at the restaurant after he died, neither one of us would have known much about them at all. He and Wyatt talked a lot, and Wyatt told him about Jenny and Jacob and how afraid he was to tell you. He told Gary that he never thought someone like you would ever love someone like him. And, once he told you about Jacob, he didn’t know if you would stay with him.”
“Well, he certainly didn’t give me a chance . . .” I wanted to break the pencil that I’d been rolling between my hands into pieces. So, Wyatt, you died thinking I never trusted you. What did I ever do to make you feel that way?
“I think he wanted to. That’s why he was writing, not so much to send you those as letters, but as a way to clear his thoughts in his own mind before he told you. Gary said he was so desperate, wrestling with how to tell you about Jacob so close to the wedding—”
“If you had all that, why send those letters so mysteriously? What right did you have to withhold them from me?”
Laura bit her lower lip, gazed at her hands where the tissues had been twisted like a rope. She sighed and then looked at me. “You can blame me, and I won’t say it’s undeserved. If there was a mistake, it was only because I wanted you to understand how much he struggled. If I’d given everything he wrote to you all at once, I just figured you’d read the last thing he wrote first, and the others wouldn’t matter.”
“Laura, I don’t even have the vocabulary to express what I’m feeling. She has Wyatt’s child. I have nothing. At least when I was pregnant, I had a part of him. Even though, and I’ve never admitted this to anyone, I struggled knowing I was carrying the baby of a man who drove away from his own wedding. But I told myself that baby hadn’t asked to be here. It didn’t deserve to be responsible for the stupidity of its parents. It deserved to be loved. And I couldn’t even do that enough.” I pounded my fist on the desk, my pens jumping up in the air, my coffee leaping out of the mug. This rage was a hand grenade whose pin had been pulled, and there was nowhere for it to go. I had no tears left. Just a raw, aching wound.
Laura reached into her purse and handed me the familiar white envelope. “I wanted to give you this the day I was at your house with Jacob and Jenny. I promise this is the last thing he wrote.” She wiped under her eyes with a tissue, stood, and pushed her hands into her jeans pockets. “I never meant to hurt you. I hope someday you can forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” I said with disdain. “I can’t even forgive myself yet.”
Dear Olivia,
Gary, a friend of mine you’ll meet at our wedding, told me that sometimes it helps to write difficult things you need to say. I started writing a few times, but I couldn’t make myself get to what I really wanted to talk to you about. The truth is, I’m scared. Our wedding is just a few weeks away, and I’m afraid that after you read this letter or I find the courage to tell you face-to-face, our relationship will be over. I love you so much, and the idea of losing you forever is as painful to me as what I need to tell you.
Maybe I should have said something to you as soon as I found out, but there was so much going on with the wedding, I couldn’t bear to bring it up. And the closer our wedding day came, the harder it was to say anything.
Even writing this, I’m stalling. So, here it is . . .
I have a son named Jacob. He’s almost four years old. The morning of our wedding he’s scheduled to have surgery at a hospital in Oakville, where his mother lives. I plan to drive there early so I can meet him before the surgery. Of course, it’s not so far away that I won’t make it back for the wedding. The last thing I’d want would be to destroy the day we’ve planned for so long.
Jenny, his mother, and I met at a party over four years ago. We spent the night together, and the next morning I drove in to New Orleans. We never spoke to or saw one another after that night. Until she called me a month ago, I didn’t know Jacob existed. She said she didn’t see a reason to disrupt my life, she had family support and was self-sufficient. Jenny said she knew neither one of us were going for happily ever after.
She wanted some medical information, and I told her that if she needed help with the medical expenses to let me know. Jenny told me if I couldn’t come, she understood. If we wanted to meet Jacob later and be a part of his life, she would be open to making that happen.
Of course, I had no idea all those years ago that someone as beautiful and smart and amazing as you would come into my life to stay. You are the most important person in my life. Even now I still can’t believe how blessed I am.
I hope that when you read this or I’m explaining this to you, that your heart will be open. If I made the wrong decision by waiting to tell you, then I ask you to please forgive me. I would never, purposely, do anything to cause you pain.
I love you to the moon and back.
CHAPTER 54
Always a man of his word, Evan called when he came back home and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.
“I’
m sorry for missing so many of your phone calls before you left. I appreciate the dinner invitation, but there’s just too much going on right now. Can I call you when I’m not so scattered?” I held my breath waiting for him to answer.
“Since I have no idea how long or where you plan to be scattered, I’ll call you back when I can,” he said, with a trace of his familiar sarcasm.
I was relieved that I hadn’t pushed Evan off the ledge yet. That he was willing to give me another chance. Reality was, I didn’t know if I was ready for another chance or for any chance at all with anyone. I was putting myself back together piece by piece, and I didn’t want to mash something together just to fill an empty space.
I had made one decision, and I sent Mia a text to let her know: Please ask Bryce if he can start looking again for a place for me to live. I’d like to be back there within the month. I’ll call soon with more information. Tell Lily I miss her. Love, O.
Days later, I drove toward Oakville. The last time I’d traveled this road, I was pregnant, and I didn’t know anything about Jenny or Jacob or Laura. All these months later, it was challenging to find the spot I was looking for. I pulled over on the side, careful to keep my car off the road. I had to walk only a few yards before I spotted the cross.
This time I brought a little garden shovel with me. I cleared away leaves and branches in front of the cross, dug a hole, placed our rings in it, and covered them up. I also had remembered to bring something to sit on. I spread the blanket and sat, knees to my chest, my arms locked around my legs.
I suppose you already know how much has happened since I was last here. I met Jacob and Jenny. One look at him and there was no denying that you were his father. He has your wavy hair, those killer blue eyes of yours, and he can entertain himself on an iPad.
I understand, like Jenny told me, sometimes we don’t always know the right thing to do. We just do the best right thing we can at the time. I read what you’d written before our wedding. Laura made sure of that. But I wish you’d trusted me enough to tell me about Jenny and Jacob before our wedding. Look what happens when couples don’t trust one another enough to survive the hard stuff together. I would have preferred to find out about them with you than without you.
I brought the rings back because I wanted something of us here. I’m going to give Jenny some things of yours for Jacob. But now that our baby’s gone, these are all I have that belonged to the two of us.
Our baby was a girl. I figured you had the right to know first. I haven’t told anyone else, but then no one is really asking that question. It’s probably crazy, and you’re the only person to know this, but I felt like I had to give her a name. All I knew of her was her heartbeat, but I thought that made her important enough and alive enough to be called something more than a fetus. I named her Stella. It’s just the name that came to me one night when I missed her so much. Later I found out the name means “star.” That made my heart happy because even though she’s no longer with me, when I think about her, I can look at the stars and imagine that she’s looking back at me. Always shining. Always bright. Always Stella.
Driving home, I thought about how my plans for happily-ever-after never materialized. I had to find a way to get out from under this black cloud, this major time-out that God had assigned me to for whatever wrongs I’d committed. Evan was supposed to call me, and I was so tempted to let myself fall into a relationship with him. Presumptuous of me, though, to think that might even be an option.
But what was I going to bring to a relationship with Evan or with anyone for that matter? A broken woman, always looking over her shoulder, wondering when or where the next hurricane would sweep her life off course? I didn’t know if I was ready to face another happily-ever-after that turned into happily-never-ever.
Mia, Wyatt, and my parents believed love was protection. Protection from the truth, sheltering me from the pain even if it meant being dishonest. How ironic that the only people who ultimately didn’t hide the truth from me were Ruthie, Laura, and Jenny. They made me walk through my grief, not around it.
Not ready to confine myself to my bedroom or sleep away another afternoon, I drove into New Orleans to walk down Magazine Street, six miles that curve along the Mississippi River, and to window-shop the antique stores, gift shops, and quirky clothing boutiques. On the way there, I passed by the running shop where Wyatt and I had been fitted for shoes years ago when we decided to train for the Crescent City Classic. We ultimately didn’t participate in the 10K race, but we did start running a few days a week.
Considering my clothes were loving me a bit too much as they insisted on hugging my hips, I decided the time had come to put some distance between us. Almost two hours and a dent to my debit card later, I left with new shoes, new socks, and enough Lululemon attire to make Ruthie proud. If I had to sweat, I wanted to look cute doing it.
At Mignon Faget’s, I splurged on a sterling-and-pearl necklace for Lily with a strawberry snowball dangle, fleur-de-lis earrings for Mia, and etched fleur-de-lis tumblers for Bryce. Gifts could never repay them for all they’d done and were going to do for me, but I knew they’d appreciate these special remembrances of home.
I drove past Ruthie’s on the way home to surprise her with my haul today, but her car wasn’t in the driveway. She had a social life that required a planner and pep to keep up with, and she managed both.
My parents weren’t home either, so I schlepped my bags to my bedroom, changed into slouchy clothes, and stalked leftovers in the refrigerator. They’d left me a note that my mother had physical therapy, then they were going to dinner and a movie. I was on my own.
I found a container of seafood jambalaya, zapped it, and was carrying my plate and iced tea to the table when my phone dinged twice. A text from Mia: ?????? Her way of telling me she wanted to know what was going on. And another from Evan asking me to call him.
So much for my appetite.
Evan answered after the first ring and told me that he was leaving town again. “Can we plan something for when I return? If you’re not interested, tell me now. I don’t want to keep calling you if you want to stop.”
I pushed my rice around with my fork, wishing I could find an answer buried under there somewhere. “It’s not that I don’t want you around.” I hesitated. I wasn’t sure what to say or if he would even understand. “Evan, it’s just—”
“I know. It’s a bad time,” he said wearily. “I hope you can find some good times in your life, Livvy. I wanted to tell you not to worry about those golf lessons. I know you only took them to make your dad happy. If you’re still interested, tell your dad he can arrange something with the assistant in the pro shop; he has some openings.”
“I never meant that things wouldn’t get better.” Whatever the relationship was that had existed between us started to slip through my hands.
“I’m sure they will. In the meantime, I’m ready to enjoy my life. I want to be with someone who wants to spend time with me.”
“When will you be back this time?” I felt the desperation of not wanting to let go, yet not having what I needed to hold on.
“I’m not really sure. Four, maybe five days,” he said.
“Well . . .” I tried to hold on. To offer some hope.
“Take care of yourself, Olivia.”
And he was gone.
CHAPTER 55
After Evan hung up, I scraped my dinner in the sink, flipped on the garbage disposal, and wished I could stuff my sadness in with it. I barely slept, waiting for a decent hour so I could call Ruthie.
Early the next morning, I called and asked her to please not go anywhere until I could get there and talk to her.
She sat in the wingback chair she’d pulled close to the sofa, where I stretched out, her feet propped up next to mine. “Ruthie, my life is a runaway horse, and my boots are stuck in the saddle backward.”
“Honey, I’m not used to cowboy analogies. Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m
tired of not taking control of my life, but I don’t know how. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. But when does it end? I feel like I’m on God’s permanent detention list.”
“It’s not God punishing you. Even if He was, you’d cut Him a break because you’re flogging yourself enough for the both of you.” She shook her head. “I hate to tell you this, girlie, but this is life. Sometimes it’s so wonderful your heart can’t stretch enough to hold all the exquisite joy, the spectacular of the ordinary. Other times, it’s so difficult that just opening your eyes in the morning is a miracle. Feel like you’re spending your life walking up the escalator backward, watching everyone pass you up, going where you want to go, and getting what you want.”
I pushed myself to sitting. “So now what? I turn around on the escalator? Where’s my ‘get out of hell’ pass?”
“Being a victim is a decision. Happiness is a decision, too. I don’t believe in Santa-Claus God, but He does want us to be happy. Imagine having to hear the prayers of a zillion million miserable people. Of course, He’d rather watch us laugh until we can’t breathe. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t tragedies in our lives. But He’s there with us for that, too. Maybe you’re not ready to hear that yet. You need to decide what you want for your life. In the end, you have to choose joy.”
The next morning I woke up early, put on my running clothes, and drove to a nearby park. The sun hadn’t broken through the clouds yet, which made it a perfect time to start, because the mornings were cool and breezy. I mostly walked, sometimes picking up the pace to run until I couldn’t breathe, but the distance wasn’t as important to me as the decision to lace on those new shoes and move myself out of the house.
The ducks at the pond waddled toward the paved pathway when the early-morning exercisers passed them, squawking like they were berating us for not dropping off food. It had been years since I’d been there. The city had added a playground, a rock-climbing area with rope bridges and swings, and sheltered picnic areas with barbecue pits nearby.
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