by RJ Heaton
“I’ll be right back.” Carrie says and leaves the items she bought for me at the end of the bed.
My mind races frantically about the ifs or what’s until Carrie is walking back in my room with another bag filled with goodies on her arm.
***
“Carrie this is not funny!” I look up at my best friend and she is completely failing to hide her smile. “Grab me one more this has to be wrong.”
“Seriously? You think after what …?” She picks up multiple boxes from the trash to do a count. “Six boxes and not all of them are even the same brand, they’re all wrong?” She gives me an incredulous glare.
“Yes,” I snap. At least one can hope.
“Give it up girl. You are prego!” Oh my god, oh my god! Her saying it aloud sounds like a giant crack while the earth opens up and swallows me whole.
Tears soak my eyes. This is the worst case scenario I’ve ever been struck with. Not even learning I may never have walked again was maybe a tenth of this dilemma. I throw the newest pregnancy stick with two very distinct pink lines flashing like a neon sign, “you’re pregnant, ha, ha your world is effed.”
“So,” I look up at Carrie waiting for the question she is dying to ask.
“Who’s baby daddy?”
I stare at her unspeaking. It feels like enough time passed between us that we could’ve circled the world two times.
“Nicole Cooper!” The shocked tone oozes from her throat. “You don’t know do you?” I can’t find my voice. I slide my head back and forth in slow motion. This is crazy; a prude one guy gal ever since high school and now … I’m looking at a positive pregnancy test, and I’m not sure who the father is. “The options are only the two of them right?”
I wish my glare actually could shoot laser-beams at my dear friend. “Yes, just the two of them!” I snap.
Carrie throws her arms up in defense, “Hold the meltdown. This is good. If we can find out how far along you are we can probably pin point the time and whom better. We will just keep it on the down low until you can get into the OB doc.”
She’s right if I can find out how far along I am it should help figure out if I’m carrying Ethan’s or Shad’s baby, but the time line was so close when I finally gave into Shad. Only a matter of days, my body shudders at the thought that I may not be able to know until a paternity test is done. I feel like such a … No, I’m not going to call myself that.
“Carrie, I can’t do this again.” She pushes away from the adjacent bathroom wall and steps over to me embracing her arms tightly around me.
“Honey I have no idea what is going on in that head of yours right now, but one thing I do know is that we’ll get through this. After Sean’s sexscapades and shenanigans, the accident, Lance’s death, your progression from waking up in a coma and having no movement in your right arm and right leg—this is nothing in comparison chick!”
I have no clue how she thinks this is nothing in comparison, because right now I feel like my entire world is falling apart. No matter who the father is, shit is going to hit the fan. Internally, my heart is still battling who belongs there. This could turn the tides, and what if it’s the wrong direction? I cry into Carries blouse as my wits dissolve even further.
***
All oxygen is sucked from the room and suddenly the walls come crashing in on me.
“So I take it congratulations isn’t in order?” I look at the doctor in shock by his words. I know that I took a bazillion pregnancy tests with Carrie, but I had been hoping that they were all duds. Having the test confirmed by the doctor …
“Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to give me your condolences?”
“Nikki.” He says in a soft soothing tone, but to me the sound is like nails to a chalk board.
“What?” I snap. “I’m basically forty-years old. I have three children in which two of them are now full grown adults and the third almost there. I can’t be starting all over.”
“Women have come into me at all ages and different stages in their lives. Most of them have told me after the initial shock of it all, being older and having children was one of the best blessings they’ve ever had.”
I can’t hold back the sigh that bubbles out, or the tears. “I’m not like ‘most’ women.”
“I’m sure this is hard, but go home speak to the father and I’m sure you’ll see how wonderful this life is going to be.”
“The father?” I ask in a whisper. He nods.
Oh god! I don’t even know who the father is. Do I call them both?
“But first things first were going to do a quick ultrasound to get a good estimate how far along you are.”
“Today? As In like today?”
My doctor clearly thinks I’m funny by the way he chuckles. “Things have come a little farther in progression with medicine since you’ve had your last child. Our clinic has sonogram machines. This way we get a more accurate guesstimate on when to expect your little one, plus we can get a heads up if there may be any complications with the pregnancy.
“Oh.” I’m still surprised that they will do it right away versus scheduling another appointment and having to wait longer to see how the baby measures up. “I can’t be that far along, because I’ve only recently been with someone,” Or in my case multiple some ones.
“We shall know soon enough. My nurse will be back in shortly.” I nod my head in understanding.
Carrie is the only person in this universe that knows I’m at this appointment today. I wish I had let her come, because now I really do want a friend to lean on. This is too much to take by myself. The most unsettling fact is that I don’t know who the father is. My emotions running rampant, the water works begin tumbling from my already puffy red eyes. If I’m able to preserve my eyesight after this pregnancy it’ll be a miracle. I wonder if it’s possible to go blind from crying too much? The very thought has my tears streaming down my face for an entirely different reason. Holy crow Nikki, pull yourself together. Man I wish Carrie was here. Even with her sarcastic mouth she seems to know how to make me feel better.
A light knock lets me know the nurse is at the door. I quickly wipe away the tears seeping over my cheeks before she can see them. “Are you ready for this? You get to see your little peanut today.” She is enthusiastic and probably is unaware that in my case a baby isn’t as joyous as some may think. “Let’s get started shall we?” I choke down a sob and nod my head.
“Oaky, I’m going to have you lay back and I’m just going to pull down your waist band to here.” I’m thankful that I wore a pair of black leggings instead of jeans today. “We do warm up the goo.” She pulls her lips up into a wide grin and proceeds to goop up the ultrasound wand. I watch carefully half expecting to see an alien, but to my surprise I don’t see anything discernable … at all. “Well it looks like you are in the very beginning of your pregnancy. Right now we can’t measure the baby, I’m not even seeing a heartbeat yet which puts you earlier than six weeks. My guess is around three weeks. The doctor will want another ultrasound when you get further along to get a more accurate due date, but it is looking around April seventeenthish.
I’m about three weeks pregnant which puts both Ethan and Shad in the running to be the father. I have no more answers now than I did this morning. The realization that I have to just come clean and tell them both is impaling me to where I stand. How am I going to tell them and where does this lead me in the end with both men that are now a huge part of my life? “How, um when can I get a paternity test?”
The nurse flashes me an oppressive look before erasing it to a smooth impassive gaze. “Oh, well you can have your blood drawn around eight weeks. Through markers in your blood and the potential father’s blood it can be determined who the father is.” I nod my head in understanding. I don’t want to elaborate any further and I most definitely do not need to be judged by this nurse anymore than I already have. After we wrap up, I mindlessly walk to the foyer. What a mess.
“Carrie? How do I tell them?
” I am frantic as I call the only one that knows my predicament. “Can you come get me? I’m having a major anxiety attack here!”
“Okay hold up I’m on my way. Are you still at the doctors?”
“Yeah.”
“Who took you to the appointment?”
I feel ashamed that I haven’t told anyone yet, but until I was sure that I was pregnant I wanted to keep this little pickle I’m in, quiet. The dirt will be clearly spilled soon enough. “I took a cab.”
“Really?” Carrie sounds utterly surprised.
“Yes, now come get me before I do something drastic like jump off a bridge.”
“I’m almost there.”
Carrie wasn’t joking when she said she was almost here. I no sooner hang up the phone and I see her car pull into the parking lot. I don’t wait for her to find a parking spot before I head out the doors and straight to her car. I shove my walker into her backseat very ungracefully, and dive into her car winded. I slam the door hard taking my aggression out on the defenseless metal.
“I take that as a positive?”
I look over at her and my shoulders slump forward and my head drops—I’m wrecked and absolutely defeated. “How do I get the two of them in the room together and tell them both ‘hey one of you is going to be a father—surprise.’ But I don’t know which one of you until we get a DNA test?”
“I suppose that will be an awkward conversation, but you have to do it.”
“I know.” I agree although non to pleased about the fact.
“I can be there with you when you tell them if you want me too. Hell I’ll be the dad if neither of those two knuckle heads want to step up.”
“Carrie, Carrie. I’m not worried about either of them stepping up, but what if it’s Ethan’s? That changes my relationship with Shad. I don’t know what he would do if he knew I was pregnant with someone else’s baby. Where would that leave us?”
“I see. You seriously have made quite a situation for yourself.”
“Thanks Captain Obvious.”
“Anytime!”
“Well, might as well get this over with.” I dial both Shad and Ethan’s number asking them to meet me at the house to ‘talk about something important,’ unbeknownst to them they both are about to get a swift kick in the reality department real fast. Neither one of them have any children and to possibly have a child in this manner … oh lord who knows how they are going to take this.
“Should we stop and get some shots before we have to face them … oh wait never mind, sorry, bun in the oven no drinking for you.”
“Och, I wish I could.”
“I’ll be there for you sister.” I know her words are to help calm me, but they just put me more on edge. I feel like I’m walking into a firing squad.
As soon as Carrie pulls into the driveway I lean out of the car and vomit on the concrete. Add nerves to morning sickness and you get saltine cracker surprise spilled all over the driveway. “Lovely, I’m sure Joe will be pleasantly happy to spray that off.”
“Shut up.” I snap. “Not like I enjoy hurling all of my stomach contents everywhere I go.”
“You’re right I’m sorry. I should be more sensitive. I hated this part of being pregnant.”
“Me too.” My stomach settled enough to make it to the house I plop down on the nearest piece of furniture I come to in the living room. The large brown sofa sucks me in and I lay my head back to relax for a moment before Armageddon.
Eighteen
I hear the rumble of a diesel truck and then the motor silencing quickly following. A distinct door closing and heavy footsteps coming up the stairway to my sister’s house. One man has arrived now we await for the second.
“Hey baby, is everything okay?” Shad instinctively reads my mood and comes to my side. I can’t look him in the eyes. I am so terrified that I may be ruining our relationship before we even had a chance to really get to know each other. After today’s chains of events I wouldn’t be surprised if he never spoke to me again. Gently he places his fingers under my chin and he lifts my head for our eyes to meet. “Nikki, what’s wrong?”
I don’t answer him instead I ask, “Did I take you away from something important?” For the longest time I had no idea if he had a job or not, but I found out that before he was deployed he had tinkered around with mechanizing on motorcycles, ATV’s, and snowmobiles. Since he got back, he has been setting up his own shop and running his own business out of his garage fixing peoples motorcycles and other ATV’s.
“Nicole, tell me what’s going on,” he commands softly.
“I will as soon as Ethan gets here.” His pulled together eyebrows and lips instantly plunging down at the corners is nothing new to me. Anytime I say Ethan’s name it’s always the same reaction.
“Oh look you don’t have to wait any longer.” Carrie pipes in. I see her looking out the front windows most likely seeing Ethan pull up in his minivan.
“Do you know what’s going on?” Shad snarls at Carrie.
She lifts a glass of wine she must’ve gotten from Heather’s collection and shrugs, “I plea the fifth.” She says and then gives him a cheesy smile and winks. Carrie opens the front door right as Ethan was about to knock.
“Oh hey, Carrie. Where’s Nik?” Carrie points toward the living room where Shad and I sit on the couch. “What’s up Nikki is everything okay? Did we get the building permits?” I completely forgot to call the contractor about our permits. We made final arrangements on the building, but I had to hire a contractor to get the remodel done. I wish that was the only thing on my mind.
“Um, no. Actually, I don’t know I haven’t called Heath yet. I called you guys here because of something else.” I look between Shad and Ethan as he takes a seat in Joe’s recliner. I am so nervous my eyes drift to Carrie she nods and gives me a reassuring smile.
“I don’t really know how to say this.” Shad squeezes my hand and I know neither of them have a clue what I am about to tell them. “I went to the doctor today.”
“Are you sick, are you alright?” Ethan asks concerned.
I let out a choked laugh, “Well I will be in about nine months.” Both of the men stare at me in silence.
“Huh, wait are you … pregnant?” Shad finally asks.
“Apparently so.”
“Congratulations,” Ethan says, “But why did you invite me over to tell me?”
If I could erase the look of terror that crosses Shad’s face I would. That is a look I never want to see again.
“You don’t know who the father is.” Shad says in a deadly deep, heartless tone.
I shake my head at him. He lets go of my hand and the instant he does all warmth is sucked from me leaving me a cold hollow shell.
“What, you mean either one of us could be the father?” I nod my head yes at him.
“I’m about three weeks along, but they can’t exactly determine how far I am yet. There is a simple blood test. They just need a blood test from all of us and they can determine who the father is.” Shad gets up and paces. I can’t help watch his strong legs as he moves back and forth between the living room and where the dining room meets. The tension rolling off of him is so thick I could cloak myself in its depths.
“I could be a father?” I hear Ethan saying to himself over and over as the shock settles over him.
“Or you could NOT!” Shad bellows at Ethan.
“But what if I am? Could you step aside and let me raise my child with Nikki?”
Thank god Carrie is quick. She jumps to the center of the room where Shad is about to steam roll over Ethan. This is such a fiasco. Maybe I should have told them separately.
“Shad stop! You can’t beat up Ethan. I need you here not sitting in jail like my ex.” That seems to sober him. “Ethan can you leave us for a bit? We will talk later.” Ethan gives me a sideways glance. I know he has a ton of questions, but I can’t have him and Shad in the same room at the moment.
“Yeah, umm call me. We’ll figure this out okay?
” I can’t bring myself to smile, but I try my best at giving him a shot of one.
“Can we talk in my room please?” I ask Shad in a sincere tone.
Shad waits for me to lead the way. I can’t gauge his mood until I see his aggravated posture when we are in my room. “Shad please talk to me.” I beg. “I am just as lost and frustrated as you are right now. Most likely even more.”
“What do you want me to say Nik?”
“First off what you’re thinking.”
“Want to know what I’m thinking? Really? Okay I’ll tell you. I want this Nik. The first thoughts I had when you said you would be better in nine months was holy crap I’m going to be a dad and the realization was like euphoria washing over me. And then … then you went and stuck me through the heart like I was a lifeless vampire with no shot at redemption. Damn it!” The shouting of his last two words takes me off guard. I watch as he grabs and pulls at the thick tuffs of his hair spinning around and walking two steps before circling back around again. He looks like a wild caged animal ready to pounce. He comes to an abrupt halt right in front of me.
“Damn, damn, damn it Nikki. I love you and I want more than anything in this god forsaken world that the child you are carrying be mine. I want you, this baby. I want us.” His words render me speechless. Shad has never told me those three words before today.
“You love me?” I ask my voice weak and shaky.
“More than anything.” He gently places his hands on both sides of my cheeks and cups them tenderly. I stare up into his warm chocolate eyes and then look at his luscious, ruby red lips. A raw—near violent craving tears at my core wanting to devour this man who stands before me. Of all the things I’ve gone through, this man has been at my side through thick and thin. How could I have been so dense to how he feels? There’s no going back now, not once I’m all in.
“I love you too Ramp.” I barely get the words out and his lips crash down over mine. I have been splintered, shattered, broken with pieces of me left scattered behind, but right now in this man’s arms I feel complete and at home—I’m finally home.