by Vivian Arend
Daniel put his finger over his lips for a second. “You’re right, and I try not to, but there’s just some times it sneaks out. Like when I’m really mad.”
The kid snorted. “You’re not mad.”
“Oh yes, I am. Not at you, but for you.”
Nathan frowned. “But you’re not yelling or throwing things. You can’t be mad.”
Oh my Lord, give me the words. Daniel pressed his hand to Nathan’s head and drew him up against his chest.
“Trust me, I’m real mad.” How the hell was he supposed to explain to the kid that what he’d experienced should never have happened? “There’re a few kinds of anger in the world. There’s the throwing things kind of mad—that doesn’t really get much done except hurt the things you throw and the people you throw them at, does it?”
“Hurts them lots.” Nathan’s voice shook.
Sweet Jesus. The whole conversation made his mind and heart ache. What kind of bastard could do this to his own children? To his wife? “Then there’s the kind of mad that makes people want to make things better. That’s the kind of mad I am. I’m upset for you and your brothers. I’m angry for your mama’s sake, but yelling and throwing things would only make it worse.”
Nathan nodded rapidly.
There was no way he could continue this conversation tonight. “You just relax right here. I’ll keep the bad dreams away. Deal?”
Nathan sniffed and wiped at his nose, then cocooned in like one of the kittens under their mom out in the barn. It took a couple of minutes for his breathing to relax from the rasping little gasps it had become as he’d fought back tears.
The room quieted. The fire crackled softly, the chair squeaked on every rock. Above their heads the floorboards of the old house expanded and contracted. The snow slid off one section of the roof from the heat of the fire. Daniel leaned his head back and tried to sort out all the emotions racing through him.
Beth’s husband had abused her. Emotionally abused the kids too from what Nathan had let slip. They seemed to be dealing with it well, and his admiration for Beth increased astronomically.
She was strong, desirable, and damn if he was going to let her hide away from him anymore.
The time of waiting became like a time of prayer. He mentally listed all the things he was grateful for, all the things he wanted. And the longer he sat, with a child in his arms, waiting for his woman to return, the more he realized everything he still wanted was nearly within his grasp.
If Beth was ready to trust him with her heart.
The deck boards outside the door creaked a moment before Beth stepped inside. She came into the living room, sparkling snow crystals in her hair and her cheeks rosy from the cold. Daniel could have stared at her all night long.
“Hey, what’s up?” she whispered as she knelt beside the chair, one hand resting on his arm, the other reaching to brush the hair from Nathan’s face.
“He’s okay. I just didn’t want to take him upstairs in case we woke up Robbie and you weren’t home yet. He had a bad dream.”
“He has them occasionally.” She stared at her son for a moment, and written on her face was such sadness and loss he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Beth, we need to talk.”
She nodded slowly, her fingers fidgeting with the fabric of his sleeve. “Let’s tuck him in.”
They went upstairs together, and Daniel stepped back after carefully placing the now boneless Nathan on his bed. Standing in the doorway, he watched Beth tenderly pulled up the covers and kiss both Nathan and Robbie. Then she slipped past him to check on Lance, closing his curtains and turning off his MP3.
When she would have walked down the stairs, he grabbed her hand and tugged her toward her bedroom. “You must be tired. Come on, I’ll give you that massage I promised.”
Her breathing picked up as her gaze flickered to the closed doors of the boys.
Daniel lifted her chin in his hand. “Nothing will happen that you don’t want to, okay? I promise. If you want me to crawl out the window so you don’t get caught with me in your room, I’ll do it. I even know which trees I have to climb down to get away safely.”
That was enough to bring a smile back to her face, and she laughed softly and pulled him after her, turning the lock. “I’ve been teaching the boys they are supposed to knock before entering, but they weren’t learning very fast. So they’re used to me locking the door now.”
She pulled off her sweater and stretched her arms in the air. “I never want to go on another field trip in my life.”
“Not into dinosaurs?” Daniel sat on the chair in the corner of the room and watched, mesmerized, as Beth sat on the bed and stripped off her socks and wiggled out of her slacks.
They needed to get to the real issue, but she was tying his brain in knots.
He joined her on the bed, crawling behind her to massage her shoulders, her neck. Pressing his thumbs into the tight muscles until she began to relax under this touch.
“We’re not doing a lot of talking, are we?”
Daniel laughed. “Not really sure where to begin.”
Beth placed a hand on his where it rested on her shoulder. Then she glanced up at him. “Did Nathan tell you what his bad dream was about?”
He moved in front of her, kneeling at her feet. “He did. Kinda, like a seven-year-old tells any story.”
He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight to him, just needing to squeeze out some of the hurt and agony he saw in her eyes. Beth sniffed a couple of times and then swore.
“I promised myself I wasn’t going to do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“Cry for the no-good bastard. Cry because of him. I want to move on and forget what he did to me and the boys, and yet he’s still there, haunting us.”
She tucked her tear-streaked face into the crook of his neck, and his heart broke. “You go ahead and cry. You love your sons, and until you know they are on the road to understanding what the real love of family means, you’re going to have moments you cry. Hell, my mama still cries over the stupid things her sons do to each other, and she cries when we get our feelings hurt, and we’re all grown up. You’re a good mama to your boys, Beth, and tears come with the territory.”
She leaned back and cupped his face in her hand. “Daniel, you are one in a million. That’s sweet of you, but there are things you don’t know. Like if I really loved my boys I should have left the man years ago, before he had a chance to make our life hell. I should have left the first time he hit me, but I was like every one of the women who think they’ll be the exception. That he really was sorry for what he’d done. That he really never would do it again. That the boys were better off with a father who was decent most of the time.”
Daniel held in his anger. “You shouldn’t have had to make the decision. None of it was your fault, Beth.”
“Nathan cries because his dad is gone, and you know what, that is my fault. I’m the one who killed him.”
He choked back his surprise. “You said he died in the car crash.”
“He did.”
Daniel waited, stroking her hair gently, giving her the space to tell it her own way.
She wiggled back on the bed and wrapped her arms around herself, voice low, head dipped. “He’d found out something I’d done that he didn’t like. I can’t even remember what it was, and he was cursing a blue streak at me. The roads were icy that night—I didn’t want to drive in the first place, but he insisted—and when I felt myself losing control of the vehicle I…” she paused, “…I yanked the wheel to the side and we spun into traffic with the passenger side leading. I made sure he was the one in the direct line of anything that hit us.”
Hell, had she really taken on that burden? “Beth, if you were already skidding, there’s no way anything you did changed which direction the car turned.”
Her head snapped up, a flicker of something in her eyes that could have been hope, but it vanished too quickly for him to be sure.
>
“Still, it was a conscious choice. I’d do it again in an instant.” She was breathing so fast he thought she might faint. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I need to explain—”
He hurried to reassure her. “You don’t have to explain anything more to me. Not right now. I want to know, but only when you’re ready to talk about it. Not because you think I’m expecting you to.” He held her hands clasped in his, aching to help her, wanting to comfort her. Her fingers were icy cold, and he warmed them gently in his palms. “I still think you can forgive yourself for his death. I’m sure there was an investigation, and if you had done anything wrong, they would have discovered it then. It was an accident—that’s all it was.”
“I was happy he was dead, though. He was a bastard. Stole away years of my life. Made the boys quake in fear. Made me have sex when he knew it was dangerous. Demanded I keep going until…”
She stopped. Completely. His heart was breaking for her, for every bit of pain she’d suffered.
“Until what? Oh God, Beth.”
She whipped her head around, hair flying. Her eyes were dark, not with the heat of passion he was used to seeing but with pure unadulterated rage.
“My baby girl died because of him.”
Daniel swore under his breath.
“He knew it was dangerous for me to get pregnant again, but by then that was my only purpose in life, as far as he was concerned. Barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.” She dashed angry tears from her eyes. “I had completed all my training, finished my student teaching, and all the while he was trying to get me pregnant. I expected to stop work when I had babies, I did, but I never thought I’d have three children in less than three years. Then when I did get pregnant again so soon, the doctor said I needed bed rest. Samuel knew, but he didn’t care, just cared about me having food on the table and warming his bed. And I lost her. My little girl.”
The tears poured out, and Daniel gathered her in his arms, pressed her forehead to his chest and simply held her.
She dragged in air between the words. “I told you I couldn’t have any more children. When they went to do the D and C, too much of my womb was damaged and they took it out.” Another sob shook her. “I know it seems so silly to be upset about it in light of the fact he used to hit me, but…”
He stopped dead in his tracks. He tried to put as much tenderness as possible into the kiss he pressed to her temple.
“It’s the farthest thing from silly. I bet you’ve got people who tell you that you should count your blessings, right? That you’ve got three fine boys, and what more could you want.” He laughed, knowing that it sounded hollow. He buried his fingers in her hair and pulled her gaze up to meet his own. “It doesn’t take away the hurt. You love them nonetheless, but the ones that you can’t have, because the decision wasn’t yours—
“It hurts like blue blazes and there’s nothing anyone can say that’s ever going to make it feel better. A piece of your future is dead, and yet people walk on all around you and expect you to keep going when there’s nothing but a fucking hole in front of you—as if you’re the only one who sees it.”
The dark centers of her eyes glistened with her unshed tears. “Oh, Daniel.”
He held her. Gently. His lips touching her forehead, and her cheek, and her lashes. Trying to pass over an inkling of compassion that she could appreciate and comprehend in the midst of her hurts.
Beth tangled her fingers in his hair and kissed him. She held their mouths together until the kiss faded away, and they hung, lip to lip, air mingling as they attempted to balance their breathing.
He pulled her into his lap, lifting her to straddle his legs. His hand caressed her back, massaging the muscles as he clutched her close, their torsos tight as they continued to touch and comfort each other.
Beth curved a hand down the side of his face and tentatively brushed a tear that clung to the edge of his eye. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry too. I know part of your pain.” He took a deep breath and stared into her eyes. “As far as your husband is concerned? There’s a special place in hell reserved for men like him. If he hadn’t died, things might have gotten worse and you could be the one dead now. Or one of your sons…”
His throat closed off at the thought of any of the towheaded boys tangled in their beds down the hall being hurt.
Beth held his face, and he could have drowned in her tear-filled eyes. Barely above a whisper, she spoke as she caressed his bristle-roughed cheek. “I know we have so much more to discuss, but I need you. Need you to chase away the pain, just for a little while.”
They moved together, willing accomplices. Lips and tongues tangling, taking turns to slip off their remaining clothing as they shrugged shoulders and wiggled limbs. When she stripped bare from the waist up, Daniel took possession of one firm nipple, cupping her breast and lifting it to his lips to suck.
“So good.” Beth let her head drop back.
“I want you tonight. All of you.”
He made love to her that night. Lifted her and placed her with such care on the bed. Tugged off her panties slowly, careful of her aching limbs. Somehow between kissing every inch of her body and arranging her naked form on the bed, he shucked his jeans. Beth looked up from where she lay, the moonlight pouring in the window to illuminate every muscular inch of his body. His cock rose from the tight curls at his groin, and he slipped over her, the heat of his torso rolling ahead like a steamroller and pinning her in place.
“Tonight, you’re mine. No games, no playing. Just open yourself up and give yourself to me, Beth. Let go and let me catch you.”
Her throat was tight as he suspended himself over her, thigh to thigh, nose to nose. His eyes, oh damn—his eyes were beautiful. Full of tenderness and need, and she wrapped her arms around his torso and pulled him down, sighing as his bare skin touched hers, as if for the first time.
They touched and moved together, in perfect harmony. He kissed her mouth, her breasts, the indent of her belly. He licked her clit, and she opened wide, letting him touch her everywhere, as hard as he liked, as soft as he wanted. Her first orgasm surprised them both as she rocked with the initial touch of his hand to her pussy. He moved over her while her sheath still convulsed and with one firm motion joined them. He locked their hips together, pulling her head to his, lips and tongues tasting and embroiled with white-hot need. Then he started, slow, minute pulses of his hips that dragged his cock back an inch before reburying him deep. Deeper yet as she pulled up her knees and spread herself wide.
“God, Beth, yes.” His strokes hesitated for a moment, uneven and broken in rhythm.
“Do it. Come on…oh there, so good. You feel so good inside me. All I need, I…”
She wanted to confess with words what their bodies were saying but she refrained, instead staring into his eyes and saying it the best she could. It was love. It was physical connection that went soul deep and tears welled up as he stared. Another thrust, another. The rubbing intensified, every nerve on fire. He grasped her nipple and sucked hard, and the spear of pain shot into pleasure that radiated over her skin, throbbing in her sheath. She grabbed his head and drew their mouths together again, needing the connection, needing to taste him. She bit his lower lip and licked the pain away as he erased the pain lingering in her heart. No, not erased, but eased. They were together, they belonged together.
The bed creaked in an easy rhythm and he groaned over her. “So close. You need to come. I want to feel you around me. Squeezing me. Surrounding me.” He adjusted the angle of her body, lifting her hips higher, tilting his pelvis up to thrust harder, more forcibly. The cool air moved over her clit when his body pulled away. Then he touched her, his fingers rubbing firmly and the pulse of sensation broke free.
“Yes…” She clutched his neck tight and gave herself up to pleasure. Let it roll like the fall wind over the prairies. A second later he joined her, his harsh breathing giving way to a contented sigh as he jerked inside her, the
heat of his release bathing her.
“Yes, oh damn.” He dropped his head on her shoulder, covering her with his body, and she didn’t even try to stop the tears.
“That was perfect,” she whispered.
He rolled them carefully, drawing her on top so they stayed intimately connected. His tender caress and consideration made her heart ache.
He rubbed her back, dragged his hands through her hair again and again, until their breathing calmed and only the rapid beat of his heart gave away the fact they’d been running a marathon in bed. He chuckled softly, as if he was aware of keeping the noise down.
“Perfect, eh?”
“Hmm, I think.” The languid sensation stealing through her limbs made it tough to fight the sleep now creeping up.
“Even though it was missionary vanilla sex?”
Something twigged in her brain, and suddenly it was funny as anything. She was an emotional yo-yo. A giggle escaped, then the giggle escalated to a snicker. She took a deep breath, still shaky from the bombshells of the evening. Daniel rolled them to their sides, keeping their bodies close and their spirits together as they snuggled under the covers.
Chapter Sixteen
“Mom. Moooooom.”
The rattling at the doorknob jolted her awake, and she slipped out a hand in search of Daniel. She could have sworn only seconds before he’d been wrapped around her, kissing her neck and whispering loving things in her ear.
The bed beside her was still warm.
“Mom—mie.”
Beth sat up, clutching the sheet to her chest as she looked around the room in confusion. The very empty room. She glanced at the window then laughed. No, he hadn’t dove out that way.
“Just a minute. Mommy’s getting up.”
She pulled on her sleep shirt before unlocking the door. Nathan and Robbie swarmed in and dragged her back to the bed for snuggles. Lance strolled in slower, almost suspiciously, and she fought to keep from blushing. That wasn’t in the cards yet, to try to explain to her eight-year-old why there was a man in his mom’s bed.