“When I leave . . . ”
I turned my cheek, forcing his hand from my head. “I don’t want to talk about that now.”
“You should visit me. In Europe. I’ll take you to a castle.”
I unzipped his pants, my eyes greedy. “I’d rather you took me in a castle.” With a tug, I pulled his boxer-briefs down and wrapped my lips around the crown of his erection.
“We’ll figure out a way to make that happen,” he gritted.
I laved him, root to tip. He moaned, rocking his hips forward, his hands buried in my hair.
I made another pass, then another before finally drawing him into my mouth. He shuddered, throwing his head back. He matched my pace, his control unraveling. I sucked harder, faster, and he lost control.
His hands fisted in my hair, holding me where he wanted me as he thrust into my mouth. My hand rested on his thigh, the other moving to cup his sac. He groaned, his balls tightening. And he came in thick, long spurts that wracked his body.
His hands eased in my hair, and I swallowed, drawing back, kissing his tip. He caught me under my arms and pulled me tight against his body, his hand at the base of my spine. I liked the feel of him there, spanning my back, pulling me even closer to him as if he was just as greedy for more.
He kissed my temple, then my cheekbone. His lips trailing down to take my mouth. I clasped his biceps. Much as I wanted to smile, I was too busy returning his kiss.
Pulling back, he shucked his jeans in barely a blink. I squealed as he picked me up, cradling me to his chest.
“Your turn,” he said as he carried me to the bedroom.
“How about our turn?”
“The night’s long. We’ll get there.”
I glanced over at the clock. Just after six. After my third—fourth?—orgasm, I slid into another sated sleep, Hayden’s warm body cradling mine. But now, awake, I couldn’t hold back my fears any longer. If I’m still here.
Why did I have to fall for the one man who couldn’t stick around?
Hayden slid his arm over my waist, cupping my stomach and pulling my naked back tight against his front. He pressed a kiss to the back of my neck.
“You’re thinking so loud you woke me. What’s wrong?”
I wiggled a little, sighing when he groaned in pleasure.
“Stop that,” he admonished. “We’ll both be sore.”
I turned over and looped my arms around his neck. “I was thinking I shouldn’t waste any second of our time together.”
I leaned forward and kissed his jaw, making sure my breasts pressed against his chest. His hands slid down my back, a soft caress that caused me to arch, purring.
“Oh! Princess. She’s going to be so mad.” I shuddered, remembering the cat’s angry swipes at my face.
“She can wait another hour,” Hayden said as he cupped my ass and pulled me tight into his groin. His erection throbbed between us. “I’m not into wasting opportunities.”
“You’re right.” I smiled as I kissed him.
This was the way I wanted to wake up every day.
A pang of sadness tried to build, but I pushed it aside. I couldn’t try to change the rules now. That wasn’t fair to either of us. Instead I clasped him closer, reveled in his touch as we made love. Again.
We peaked together, lay replete on the rumpled sheets. He trailed his fingers down my spine. I rested my cheek on his chest and closed my eyes, trying not to let my worries crash over me.
“Shower time. We can feed Princess on the way to the hospice center.” Hayden slid out from under me and padded toward the bathroom.
I cupped my cheek and smiled at him. He was one good-looking man. Tall, broad shouldered. His waist tapered into slim hips and heavy thighs. The blond hair on his chest and legs glistened in the morning sun.
“Coming?”
“In a minute.”
He turned back to face me. The full frontal view was even better. I licked my lips as my gaze caressed his hard pecs and washboard stomach.
“You misunderstood. I plan to have you coming in less than ten minutes.”
I scrambled out of the sheets and followed him into the bathroom.
Hayden was uncharacteristically quiet, even for him, through breakfast. Something weighed on his mind, something important.
“That first day, at hospice, you told me you listened to part of my convo with my mum. What exactly did you hear her say?” he asked as we drove to the facility a couple of hours later, once again tensing up. His eyes regained that lost-puppy look.
Ah. So much for the romantic ideal of him asking me to join him for the rest of his tour. Probably for the best, but the ache in my chest still blossomed.
“That she had bipolar disorder. That she was a bad mother because of it.”
“I don’t know what to believe,” he said. “I mean for me, my health. My future. The past. All of it.”
“You think she’d lie to you. Now?” For some reason, the idea shocked me.
“I went through all my father’s papers when he died because I was hoping for more than my mum’s name on my birth cert. I know he sold our house here in Seattle, and that he gave my mum the money. But I can’t ascertain if it was for her care at the facilities or to get her to leave me alone. A payoff.”
“They didn’t divorce?”
Hayden shook his head. “Dad kept power of attorney and all the other legal terms for spouses. I don’t remember them all. I was surprised when I didn’t find a divorce decree. I just assumed he filed when we left.”
I nibbled the corner of my lip, hesitating. No, this was all we had. I wasn’t going to regret not delving in all the way. “What do you want from your mom, Hayden?”
He continued to look out the window as though he was worried about how far into him I’d see. “Closure, I reckon. I mean, I know some of her medical history, thanks to talking with Kelly and the hospice director. I know the list of meds she’s been on, and most of them are for bipolar—and not pain—but I don’t know why she never contacted me. I can’t wrap my head around that bit.” He paused, clearly wanting to say something further.
I caught his grimace in the window’s reflection.
“I have to find out how the illness impacted her life. Knowing she had bipolar disorder doesn’t tell me if she could’ve continued playing the piano or had another relationship or . . . Crikey, I don’t know. Lived any kind of life at all. I can’t even get a straight list of her previous doctors, let alone the facilities she’s been in over the years.”
“Would you like me to make some calls?” I asked, my voice hesitant. “I know my way around the system here. I have some contacts who might be able to point you toward the right people.”
“You could dig that up?”
“I think so. Some of it, anyway.”
“But you’d keep the details you find private?” he asked. “Only tell me?”
“Of course.”
He ran his index finger over his lower lip. “I would like your help. You’ll be much faster at the research than I will. I don’t want my label involved. My mum’s health issues aren’t something I want out there for general consumption.”
I nodded, already considering the best sources as I pulled into the parking lot of the hospice.
“Okay, I’ll start with some e-mails and calls this afternoon.”
Hayden picked up my hand, pressing a kiss into my palm.
“Meeting you, here, during this . . . You’re a godsend, Sweet Briar.”
I wrinkled my nose. “I’d rather be your girlfriend or simply your lover, if it’s all the same to you.”
“It’s not. But I like calling you both of those, too.”
I wanted to ask if I could keep calling him my boyfriend, even after he left. If we could keep seeing each other, difficult though a relationship would be. But I didn’t. For some reason, I needed Hayden to make that move.
We entered the building, holding hands. I smiled, kissing him at Rosie’s door. “I’ll see you for lu
nch?”
He squeezed my waist. “As if I’d miss that hot date.”
Horrible didn’t begin to describe my morning with Rosie. She was crabby, snappy, disoriented.
After an hour, I walked to Hayden’s mother’s room. He was looking out the window, hands in his pockets.
“Her vital signs are worse,” he said, not bothering to look at me. “She hasn’t awakened in over twenty-four hours. It’s like she’d held on to say what she needed to me and now she can check out. I talked to the director and her doctor. Not much I can do but wait it out. Hope she wakes again so she can give me some more information.”
I stopped, unsure if he wanted comfort. He turned toward me, his face haggard. So different from the man I’d parted from not so long ago. He strode over to me and wrapped me in his arms.
“I’m trying not to be angry that she’s left me so twisted up.”
“Rosie’s not having a good day either. She won’t let me read to her.”
“I know it’s not quite noon, but can we go? The tension in here, wanting her to wake and give me details, it’s ripping at me.”
I held him tighter. “I hoped you’d agree to that,” I sighed, closing my eyes. “Anywhere you want to go?”
“As long as it isn’t here, I’ll take it.”
We were quiet as we left. Hayden’s arm was slung over my shoulder. I caught the flash of a telephoto lens from the corner of my eye. Annoyance spiked in my gut. “Can we drive your rental?”
“Sure,” Hayden pulled out the key. “You drive, though. I’m buggered.”
He opened the door for me, as he always did. That unconscious kindness I appreciated more for it being so ingrained.
“I’m going to Rosie’s, I guess. Since the paparazzi are all out in full force.” Anger clawed at my chest and gut. As if helplessly watching while someone died wasn’t enough. No, people were making money off of those pictures that showed our misery and confusion.
“Right-o,” he sighed, leaning back into his seat. “You been to Europe?” he asked as I pulled up to a light. Hope bubbled in my chest. Last night, he’d mentioned taking me to Europe, but this morning, when he didn’t mention anything further, I’d assumed his suggestion then was nothing more than the passion talking.
“Parts. I did spend a semester at Oxford. Got over to France and saw a bit of Germany. But I ran out of money and flew home.”
“Do you like Europe?”
“The parts I saw, yes.”
He cleared his throat. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was staring straight out the windshield.
“So if I told you I’d ordered tickets for you to meet me in, say, Prague, you might consider joining me there?”
I opened my mouth, shut it. I pulled into the parking lot at Rosie’s condominium. Turning off the ignition, I turned to face him. His eyes were full of fear, but behind that swirled hope.
“I know you want to be here for Rosie. You’ve been better to her than her actual family.” The words cut deep, though he hadn’t noticed, because he was back to staring through the windshield, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I should be catching a flight now. I’m about to miss a second show and my mum hasn’t woken up since my second visit. Ets’s e-mails and voice messages are progressively angrier. He said I need to stop finding myself and return to my responsibilities.”
I nodded, my throat closing. I gathered my keys and purse, planning to get out of the car. He didn’t understand the relationship I’d built with Rosie; he couldn’t because I hadn’t explained it to him. In this moment, on such a difficult day, when I was raw with grief, I didn’t want to explain. I just wanted to be. I wanted Hayden to hold me as I would him. I wanted to know he’d be here, with me, when Rosie passed.
My hand was on the door handle when he touched my cheek. I closed my eyes, absorbing his touch.
“I would have gone back already, but I wanted the time with you. I don’t want this to end, Briar. Not the hell with my mum. But the bright part. You.”
“Thank you for that,” I choked out.
I turned back toward him and he raised my knuckles to his lips, kissed each one. Then he turned my hand over and pressed a lingering kiss to the pounding pulse in my wrist. When his tongue touched the sensitive skin there, I threw myself into his arms, needing our connection, even if it was only physical.
When he pulled back a few minutes later, we were both disheveled. He chuckled.
“You look good mussed.”
I rolled my eyes, but I smiled back.
He took in each of my features. His face falling into serious lines as he cupped my cheek. “I was serious. I don’t want this to end,” he said.
“What do you mean?” I asked. My chest was tight with need for him but also to tell him how much I cared.
“Us. This. We’re good together. Damn near perfect in bed.”
And my building elation crashed. Sure, the sex was phenomenal. Best I’d ever had. But I’d thought that was due to our emotional connection. “Let’s go upstairs,” I murmured.
“Say you’ll think about it.”
“I’ll think about it.”
After eating a quick lunch, I curled up next to Hayden with my laptop. He slid his arm around my hip while I shot off a few messages to the sources I’d cultivated. I stressed the need for complete discretion, not that doing so was necessary. I reached out to these people specifically because I could count on their ability to keep quiet.
Hayden’s relief was palpable. “I needed this. To start the process to find out more about my mum’s life,” he said.
I was thankful I’d been able to do something useful for him. And once Lia confirmed the time at The Vera Project, Hayden bounced around the small space. The closer the clock ticked to 8:30 p.m., the more my nerves fluttered through my stomach.
I was about to see the public side of Hayden, and for some reason, that burst the carefully cultivated bubble I’d crafted around us for the last few days. I knew our pictures were plastered on every gossip rag and aggregator site, but I’d managed to avoid most of them. I didn’t want my relationship with Hayden polluted by others’ opinions.
Lia met us just inside the door of the venue as we’d planned. She hugged me, long and hard, before turning to Hayden, who was standing just behind me. I glanced up in time to see him blink in surprise at Lia’s bright gray eyes. They were arresting, especially now that they once again bubbled with life.
“Hi, there. Asher’s looking forward to seeing you. I’m Lia, Briar’s sister.” She held out a small hand. Everything about Lia was more petite than me, and for the first time in years, I felt lanky, gawky.
“Nice to meet you. Briar’s told me a lot about you,” he said, his normal reserved self. He shook her hand as he nodded at her shirt. “I really like The Peach Kings, too. Is Asher backstage?”
Lia smiled—the bright one I was still getting used to again. She nodded—all that was possible over the now-screaming fans. Thankfully, they were all facing the stage where a band segued into a new song strong with rolling riffs and frenetic drumming. The music was good. But this wasn’t my scene.
Much as I wanted to run outside, Hayden wanted to be here. I sucked in a big gulp of stale air and squared my shoulders. I liked the guys in Asher’s band. They were smart and down-to-earth. Tonight would be fun. Going on tour with Hayden would be fun, too, if I could shake the niggling feeling crawling up the back of my neck.
We followed Lia back around the speakers, and I sighed in relief. For having bypassed both another round of mobbing fans as well as the assault on my eardrums. I’d never been that interested in live music—maybe because I’d seen Lia’s life disintegrate as Doug delved further into that world.
Lia had had her own concerns about plunging back into the music scene before she and Asher officially became a couple. I’d have to ask her if her worries vaporized or if she was just willing to push them aside.
The hallway was c
leaner than I expected, the walls painted a dark color. Lia knocked on a door, which opened to a long, tanned arm reaching out to snake around her waist. She giggled as she disappeared into the room. Hayden’s lip flipped up as he waved me in.
“Hayden! Good to see you, man. Been a while.”
Asher stepped away from Lia long enough to shake Hayden’s hand.
“Thanks for the invite, mate.”
“I told you to look me up whenever you’re in town. You’ve been killing it all over the ANZAC charts. Heard you did all the piano layovers yourself. It’s smoking, how you mixed the chords.” Asher stepped back toward Lia and pulled her into his side.
I yearned for Hayden to mimic Asher’s actions. He didn’t. My stomach twisted again, more painfully than before. Why was he being so distant?
“Thanks. It’s rough in a couple places, but Ets refused to record again.”
I shoved my hands into the rear pockets of my jeans, hoping it would cover how badly my fingers shook.
“Lia said you’re in town because your mom’s sick,” Asher said. “Sorry to hear that.”
Hayden cleared his throat. “My mum’s in hospice here. She’s from the area. I met Briar at the facility a few days ago. Best thing to happen to me during this ordeal.”
I stepped forward, hearing the tremor in his voice. He reached out, hand fumbling for mine. Once he held it, he squeezed, silently asking for comfort. I squeezed back as I moved closer, letting him know I was there.
“My mom had breast cancer,” Asher sighed.
“Had?”
Asher nodded, his eyes darkening. “She died a few years back. I miss her.” Lia laid a hand on his chest. I rubbed my thumb over Hayden’s palm, wishing for the same freedom to express my feelings.
“Rough, mate.” Hayden’s voice was raspier than usual. I pressed in close enough for my breast to rub against his biceps. He threw me that look I was coming to know so well. The one I wanted to keep just for myself.
“So fucking true,” Asher sighed, bringing Lia closer to kiss her forehead. He glanced at Hayden over Lia’s auburn hair. “You up for some jams?”
Between Breaths (The Seattle Sound Series Book 2) Page 14