“He wants to talk.”
I shook my head. “But he left me. I knew he would. But I lost sight of reality when he asked me to come join him on tour. I’d planned it all out. I just assumed he’d miss me as much as I missed him.”
“That’s the hardest,” Lia murmured. “I never understood how Doug could do the things he did to me and Abbi. There are days I’m still angry with him.”
Princess jumped up, purring. She nuzzled into my lap, large eyes glaring at Lia.
We sat quietly. “I’m going to have to leave soon. I can feel my eyes beginning to burn,” Lia said, apologetic.
“No worries. I’ll be fine.”
“You can come stay with Asher and me any time. Well, actually at Simon and Ella’s, but you know it’s an open invitation. I’ve got three open houses to go to tomorrow. Want to come? We’ll lunch somewhere outside the city. Getting out might do you some good.”
“I have to plan Rosie’s funeral.”
Lia stilled. “Don’t be mad at me.”
I sighed. “You took the list she left and already started going through it?”
“I did but only after I got the okay from Ken. He didn’t want to be involved because, you know, he’s an asshole. His mother is apparently too busy.”
“I really know how to pick men who care about me. Or people in general.” I pulled at my lower lip.
Thankfully, Lia didn’t touch that one. “So . . . I need to tell you when Mom called, she asked what she could do. Actually, she offered to do most of the funeral planning. Said she owed it to you.” Lia pulled on her hair. “Are you angry?”
I sat up, set Princess on the floor. “No, I’m relieved. How sad is that? I’ll call Mom and tell her thank you. But I’m sure there are details Ken or his mother are going to have to handle." I shuddered. “It’s even better Mom’s handling the arrangements. The less time I spend talking to Ken the better.”
Lia patted my shoulder. “I agree. So will you come out with me tomorrow?”
I blew out a thick breath. I hated feeling so alone. “Yes. I need to do something unrelated to moping and worrying about my future. I’m not going back into journalism.”
I’d said the words. Lia waited. She’d always been a good listener.
“I want to go back to school, get a degree in some kind of counseling. I want to help people work through terminal illness. When I was at hospice with Hayden, watching him deal with the paperwork, I realized so many people do that alone.”
“And?”
I stood. “Rosie and I talked about my options some. I like the idea. It feels right.”
Lia stood and cupped my cheeks. She tilted my head down as she rose on her tiptoes, pressing our foreheads together. “I’m so proud of you, Bri. Even through your heartache you’re thinking about others. You’re a really good person.”
“When’s Rosie’s funeral?” I asked.
Lia went into the kitchen and got a towel. After dampening it and laying the cloth on her eyes, she said, “Friday.”
“That doesn’t give me much time to figure out what’s next.”
Lia’s phone beeped.
“Get that, will you? I’m fighting cat dander.”
I set my mug on the coffee table and fumbled through Lia’s purse for her phone. It beeped again, flashing the beginnings of a message on the screen. “Asher says to call him ASAP.”
She took the phone from me, blinking a reddened eye at the screen.
“You don’t have to stay.”
She pursed her lips and pressed the phone to her cheek. “Hi. The kids are okay?” There was only a faint tremor in her voice when she asked. A few months ago, Lia would have been in full-blown panic mode, but Asher kept her calmer than she’d ever been. I liked seeing this centered version of my sister.
I settled my hip against the counter, trying to guess why Asher needed to talk to Lia. Most of her face was obscured by the towel, the rest by the phone. Her mouth dropped open as she lost her grip on the towel and fumbled with the phone.
“You’re serious?” she whispered, glancing at me. “No, I don’t think so. Absolutely. Do you think you can do that? Probably best. No, I’ll call Preslee or maybe Nate or Noah to feed the cat. They’re all over on this side of the city. It’ll be easier.”
My confusion grew. Why would Lia want to talk to our siblings about feeding a cat? She couldn’t mean Princess. She didn’t need any other company, she had me.
“Text me when you’re close. She has to get dressed and pack some clothes. I’ll have to call you with our planned route.”
Definitely about me. I went to peer out the window, taking in the crowd eight stories below. A few paparazzi were hanging around, trying to get pictures of me, but that was my new reality. A news van pulled up, a reporter exploding from the side like something out of those chase movies I’d never liked.
Lia came to stand next to me. “Got one network here already. He really said that? Wow. Yes. We’ll look at the link. I’d rather not get caught right now. I have hives from the cat.” She giggled. “You would find that funny. No, my eyes look like I’ve been on a weeklong bender. Huh. You would know. Love you, too,” she said, her voice soft. I liked Lia soft. She deserved Asher, having someone to protect her squishy center.
I folded my arm across my middle, gripping my left biceps. I’d thought I’d found that with Hayden.
Lia fiddled with her phone. “Do you have any antihistamine? I’ve got to help you pack and the cat is killing my sinuses.”
“Sure. But . . . pack? For where?” I pulled out the bottle and shook out a couple of pills. At Lia’s silence, I continued to prod. “Something’s going on with me. In the media?”
Lia took the pills and swallowed them in a quick motion. “Didn’t go down smoothly. Where’s my coffee?” Gulping down most of the cup, she settled me at the bar and stood next to me.
“Asher sent me this. The video just went up on YouTube, I guess.”
My stomach hit the floor when I saw the name Jackaroo in the title of the video. “I don’t want to see it.” My voice was raw. My emotions more so.
“I think you do. I’ll stay right here with you.” Lia pressed Play before I could argue again. Her ruthlessness knew no bounds.
“Lia, I can’t. I can’t see him.”
The music filled the frame. Haunting, soft, yearning. Gorgeous. It was the same melody Hayden had played in Bill’s studio, but better, filled with a deeper passion.
“Oh,” Lia gasped. Music did that to her, burrowed into her emotions more than anything else. Even I knew the melody was beautiful. The longer I listened, the more I yearned to hear more. The video shook slightly as the back of someone’s head filled the screen. The videographer shifted, and once again, Hayden filled the screen, sitting at a black grand piano. The video must have been shot last night while they were in Prague. I’d memorized his schedule in one of those sick moments of weakness.
The camera zoomed in on Hayden. His fingers drifted over the keys, his eyes distant, his face drawn. He wasn’t paying any attention to the huge crowd, all of whom were raptly listening as his fingers flowed over the keys.
He started talking into the mic, and I stiffened. “He’s talking about me? Am I just a way to get more news coverage?” Bile rose into my throat. “That asshole!”
I turned away, but Lia gripped my arm, her fingers locked tight on my biceps. “Listen to what he’s saying.”
“I don’t want to hear him make light of my feelings. What we did, what we shared was real for me.”
Lia turned up the volume. Nothing. Then Hayden’s voice rang clear and steady when he said, “I miss you, Sweet Briar.” He heaved out a breath. “I love you.”
My knees gave out.
“What?” I wheezed.
“Let’s get you packed up. You can meet him in Berlin.”
I shook my head. “No. I’m staying here. Where I belong.”
“Bri, now isn’t the time for stubbornness. The man told the entire wo
rld he loves you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to hug in the emotions colliding through my system. “He hasn’t told me yet.”
“Briar—” Lia’s eyes held a quiet determination that usually got her her way. Not this time.
“No, Lia. Just no. You should go home. I’ll go with you to house shop tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to leave you like this,” she sighed.
“You’re not. I’m asking for some space.” My phone rang. Local number. Henderson, John, Esq.
“Briar speaking,” I said.
“Ms. Moore. This is John Henderson. Rosie Douglas’s lawyer.”
“Oh. Hello.”
“You’re a hard lady to reach. Took me some time to get your number. I’d like to set up a meeting with you to go over Rosie’s will. Would tomorrow work for you?”
“Um.” I gripped Lia’s hand. “Yes, that’s fine.”
“Say nine thirty?”
“Sure. What’s the address?”
I scribbled it onto a pad I’d left on the raised kitchen counter.
Hanging up after exchanging goodbyes, I faced my sister, who clenched her jaw and eyed me with barely concealed annoyance.
“Don’t start with me. I’m meeting Rosie’s lawyer tomorrow at nine thirty.”
Lia sighed, running her hand over her hair. “Fine. I’ll come with you.”
“You have houses to look at.”
Lia gripped my shoulders. “They’ll wait. Since you won’t accept Hayden’s grand gesture, I’ll come to the lawyer’s office.”
“I’m not ready to deal with Hayden,” I whispered. I moved back to the window, counting the ever-growing media crowd on the street outside.
“Bri, love doesn’t have to be so crazy.”
The tears were once again in my eyes; I couldn’t force them back under my calm façade.
“But . . . Mom just disappeared.” I twisted my fingers of my left hand. “Dad died.” I twisted harder and faster. “Ken betrayed me.”
Lia gripped my hands. “And Hayden left.”
I nodded. I sucked in a breath and forced the words from my clogged throat. “I’m not sure I can survive if he changes his mind.”
Chapter 33
Hayden
“Oi!” Flip yelled through the door. “You awake? We’re in Berlin.”
I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes and moaned.
“I’m up!” I yelled as the banging commenced again.
“Good. You’ve got reporters screaming for information,” Flip said when I opened the door. He leaned against the frame, hands in his pockets.
“You’re a dickhead. I was really out.” I shook my head trying to clear the remnants of sleep.
“Figured you’d want a few minutes to wake up before we go down into the crowd.”
“Thanks. I think.” I glanced around. “Where are Ets and Jake?”
“Already went up to the hotel.” Flip rotated his jaw. “Be careful around Ets. He’s angry no one in the media wanted to talk to him.”
“He’s being such a wanker,” I grunted. “World doesn’t revolve around any of us.”
“Does around you, right now, after that show in Prague.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I didn’t get in touch with her before I fell asleep. Slammed into me.”
“This tour’s not made for quality pillow time. And I haven’t actually seen you get any shut-eye. Not surprised the need caught up with you, mate.” Flip clapped me on the shoulder. “Got this for you.” He handed me a slip of notebook paper. A Seattle number. He winked. “I have faith in your abilities.”
My security team formed a wedge around me, and we waded through the journos and paparazzi snapping pictures. They yelled questions I didn’t know how to answer. Getting to the privacy of my room was top priority.
“Thanks, mates,” I said to our security team. They dipped their heads down once. Ben, the lead of our security, stood facing the crowd, his height nearly as intimidating as his scowl.
“No problem, Hayden.” Ben snarled at the closest journo. “Stay back.”
I sighed as the elevator doors slid shut, thankful for the silence. My father’s voice filled my head. It’s all about priorities, Hayden. Once you have that figured out, you’ve got the secret to life. Sure, decisions are still hard, but you know why you’re making them. For me, you were tops. Everything else swung around that.
I missed him. Times like these more than any other. He might’ve been emotionally distant, but he was wise.
He’d been my only parent, the one to whom I’d brought my troubles, my report card, my confusion after Amanda Nix kissed me in sixth grade and I’d liked her soft lips pressed to mine.
When I’d met Briar, the emptiness of my life snapped into focus. By keeping people well outside the essential parts of me—the id, my dad called it—I’d ensured no one could hurt me. But I’d also ensured no one was there to share my emotions.
Until Briar.
Neither of us expected what happened in Seattle. I’d seen the vulnerability there in her eyes the morning we woke up together the first time. Just as I’m sure my eyes reflected the fear back. We’d circled around our relationship, trying to be careful, but we didn’t change the outcome. She was inevitable. And I didn’t want to miss any more time with her.
Entering my suite, I pulled out my phone and dialed the number Flip handed me. I almost dropped the phone twice before I fumbled it to the crook between my shoulder and ear, rubbing my damp palms on my shirt. I hooked the door shut with my foot.
One ring. Two. I sucked in a breath, unsure what to say if I was forced to leave a message.
“Hello?”
Crikey. The time change. Great job, Hayden.
“Briar,” I said. The weight lifted, my heart settled back into place. I could breathe again.
“Are you hurt?” She sounded panicked.
“I’m fine. How are you holding up? You’ll be grieving Rosie . . . ” I trailed off. Not the best start.
“I’m fine.” Long pause. “Asher sent Lia the YouTube video. She and I watched it.”
I bit my tongue considering my response. “I’m not. Fine, I mean. I want to be there, with you.”
“Where are you?”
“Berlin. We’ve got a show here tonight. I’ve got sound check soon.”
“Break a leg.”
My heart slammed into my chest, and I yelled, “Don’t hang up.” I cringed. This feeling business was harder—messier—than I expected.
“Seriously?” she said, her voice dry. “I think you just blew out my eardrum.”
“Sorry. Bad form. But . . . I was serious about wanting you to join me here, in Europe. I know you can’t yet. You’re dealing with Rosie’s death and all.”
“I have to get through her funeral.”
“And I can’t leave again, Briar. I want to be there with you. For you. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about yet.”
“Okay.” Her voice remained hesitant.
“No, nothing too bad. I mean . . . How’s Princess?”
“She’s her normal royal self. She’s moved on from salmon to tuna.”
“I miss the bugger.”
“Well, now that you’ve cleared that up, I’m going to go.”
“Please, Briar, please. I fucked up. Bad. I’m just worried . . . I hurt you, Briar. The guilt’s tearing me apart.”
“You’re calling me because of guilt?” She sounded confused and annoyed. My heart fluttered.
“I attacked you.” My voice lowered, like I was in confessional. Except I wasn’t Catholic and had never been willing to admit my sins before. “There’s no way you’ll forgive me for that, and I understand why. That’s why I left. I couldn’t see your face when you realized I’d—” Air. I needed air in my lungs. My eyes burned. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“I’m not.”
Flummoxed, my mouth opened and shut a couple of times with nothing come out.
/>
“If you’ll remember, I screamed your name,” she said. “Twice.”
I swallowed, unsure what else to do. The silence built. “So you did.” My heart, which had been residing in the back of my throat, slid back into my chest. It knocked around there, leaving me light-headed.
“I had to apologize for being rough . . . ” Sweat sluiced down my back and my throat ached, but I pushed on. “I want you to know I’ve never been like that.”
“Good.”
I’d told Asher out of desperation, but telling Briar now was to build intimacy, the trust I’d destroyed when I left. “My mum had bipolar disorder. You heard that. What I didn’t tell you was that she damn near beat me to death when I was ten.”
“Oh, Hayden,” Briar whispered. Her voice held sympathy for the child I’d been. Not revulsion like I’d expected.
“I’d interrupted her piano practice when I came home from school. I wanted something to eat. She hit me, many times, then grabbed me ’round the neck and flung me into a window. The glass shattered.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, voice thick with tears. “I’m so sorry.”
“That’s why I left,” I mumbled. “I worried I’d become like her. That I’d hurt you like she hurt me.” The sweat returned, covering my back, slicking down my sides. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to see the revulsion in your eyes. But I’m not. Or I won’t. . .” I groaned. “I’m making a muck of this.”
“Were you serious? Is that why you left without talking to me?” Her voice was hesitant. I’d bet my bank account her eyes were wide, scared.
I ran my fingers through my hair as I sat on the edge of the bed. “Part of the reason. The big reason, yeah. I was scared.”
“Of me?”
I stared at the ceiling. Now or never—she was the priority. “Of what I feel for you. Of how much I wanted us. Of how much being with you felt, well, like home.”
Fists pounded on my door.
I stood. “Don’t hang up. I’m just answering my door.”
“I need to go. I’m going to Rosie’s lawyer’s office first thing in the morning.”
Between Breaths (The Seattle Sound Series Book 2) Page 21