by Carter Ashby
When he turned to face her, her eyes snapped back up. He grinned, clearly aware that she was looking. “I’ve been good,” he said. “How’s your mom?”
“She’s a compassionless whore.” She closed the refrigerator and retreated to the other side of the counter.
His eyebrows shot up. “Wow.”
“Yeah. So anyway, hopefully she’ll leave soon.”
He nodded and looked away.
Zoey really didn’t want to be the first one to broach the subject, but it was looking like he wasn’t going to. Her nerves couldn’t take any more waiting. “I want to apologize. You were right about the things you said. My fears and insecurities. I mean, my mom doesn’t love me. I’m furious with her. I might even hate her. And yet I give her all my love and take my anger out on the people who truly care about me. So…I wanted you to know that I’m aware of it. I’m working on it.”
He nodded. “That’s real good, Zoey. I think you’ll find yourself a lot happier the more you do.”
She smiled hesitantly. “I was wondering if you and I—“
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me,” he said.
She shut up, stunned that he’d interrupted her.
“I mean about me being a coward and a people-pleaser. You weren’t completely off track. I don’t think I’m necessarily afraid of taking risks or being hurt or whatever. It’s just, growing up, Damon was an unstable mess. My parents did everything in their power just to protect him from the consequences of his own behavior. They made excuses for him. They turned blind eyes. He beat the shit out of me, growing up, and they chalked it up to sibling rivalry. So I did, too.”
He moved to the counter and hopped up, sitting on the edge. He faced her across the kitchen. “I do that now. I try to protect people from the consequences of their own behavior. I try not to let them know they’ve hurt me because I don’t want them to feel bad. I try to make sure they’re never embarrassed or hurt or lonely. It’s not always a bad thing. I think it just keeps people from really seeing me and my needs.”
Zoey nodded. It made sense. He’d really thought it through.
“That was what was so great about being with you, Zoey. You rained so much hell down on me that I had to bite back once in a while. It felt good. So I’m grateful to you for that.”
She laughed. “You’re welcome, I guess. It’s a sad testament to our relationship that that’s the thing you walked away with.”
He shrugged. “Even so, I still spent a lot of energy trying to take care of you. There’s just a balance I need to find somehow.”
He was staring off into the middle distance. Zoey watched him for a while, taking in his beauty from head-to-toe. And then, “Kellen?”
“Mm?”
“Do you think you and I could, I don’t know, try again?”
The way he looked at her broke her heart. Broke it the rest of the way, because it had already been fractured when she’d sent him away. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away, having cried enough for a lifetime in just that one day.
“Zoey, let me tell you what I like about you.”
She folded her arms over her chest and arched a brow.
“You’re the hardest working person I know. I admired that even back in school. You worked, what, thirty hours a week and still got straight A’s? Professionally, you have a good reputation. I talk to people who know you as their accountant and they’ve got nothing but positive things to say. You’re an extremely loyal friend. Generous without limit. Loving. Caring. You’re doing great with my niece and nephew. You’re beautiful and strong and smart.”
She stood there blushing more than she’d ever blushed in her life.
“But the rest of it, Zoey—it’s bullshit. This attitude of yours, the tirades, the bullying—it’s bullshit. You’re a grown woman. You’ve succeeded in so many important areas in life. Now it’s time to stop being afraid. Stop being angry. And stop pushing people away.”
“I know,” she said, grateful for this chance to talk to him. “I know, Kellen. I’m going to work so much harder, I swear. I feel like I’ve come out of a haze and I see it all so clearly now. I’m thinking of doing some counseling. I wanna be a better person.”
He smiled. “I’m really glad to hear that.”
She stared up at him, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “So—“
“Zoey, before you and I started doing whatever the hell it was we were doing,” he said, “I had a conversation with Jayce. I told him I wanted someone sweet. Just a nice, sweet girl to cozy up to at night. Someone not crazy.” He winced. “I mean, not that you’re crazy—“
“No, it’s okay,” she said. “I know what you mean.”
He sighed. “Anyway, I think after all of this…that’s what I want.”
“Someone sweet,” Zoey said faintly.
He nodded.
Zoey took in a breath and blew it out slowly. Then she stood and smiled up at him through her blurred vision. He hopped off the counter and leaned on the bar, facing her. “I’m sorry, Zoey.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s okay. You’re right. You just can’t handle all of this.” She gestured to herself, trying to make light of the moment, but it didn’t work because the smile he gave her was sad. She’d expected pity, but behind that, there was genuine sadness.
“I wish I could. It was good, Zoey. Really good.”
“I thought so, too.” She stepped around the end of the bar, getting closer to him. “Kiss goodbye?” she asked.
His eyes honed in on her lips and he moved toward her. He slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her up against him. Then he kissed her, and she melted into him. That kiss was so righteous, so true, so earth-shattering. Surely this was meant to happen. Surely they should fight for each other.
As he pulled back and stepped away, she realized that he didn’t want to fight. He was done. She touched her lips with her fingertips, trying to hold on to the sensation of him. She turned and calmly walked out of the cabin.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Kellen sat across the table from Beverly, whose number he’d gotten from her brother, Rick. The new year had begun, the old one sloughed off like a bad hangover. He rested his chin on his fist and frowned in concentration. She was adorable. From her blond curls to her chirpy voice, she was absolutely sweet. But he wasn’t connecting with a thing she said, and it was taking all his brain power to keep focused on her conversation.
“So you’re a photographer?” she asked.
It took him a moment to process that he’d just been asked a question. He sat up and relaxed the tension in his face. “Yeah. Freelance photojournalist.”
“So, not like taking pictures of people’s babies in a studio?”
“No, not like that.”
“Is it fun?”
“Yeah. I travel a lot. Do you like to travel?”
“Definitely. I mean, when I can afford it.”
The server approached. They were at a steak house in St. Louis, halfway through their meals. “Is everything to your liking?” the server asked.
Kellen looked at Beverly for an answer, but Beverly was looking to him for an answer. So they both laughed and said, “Yes.”
After the server left, Beverly took a sip of her wine. “So, a week, huh?”
“Huh?”
“Since you broke up with Zoey, the devil woman.”
“Hey, I never called her that,” Kellen said, though he couldn’t help but laugh.
“Rick does. So…a week. That’s not too soon to be dating?”
He shrugged. “It really wasn’t a full-blown relationship. I mean, the feelings went deep, but the whole thing was a flash in the pan. I felt like I’d been picked up by a tornado, spun around violently for a couple weeks, and then dropped off in the middle of nowhere.”
This time, she was the one with her chin on her fist, listening. “Sounds intense.”
“It was awful. And wonderful. And then awful. But no, a week is plenty
. I’m over her.”
“It wasn’t love, then?”
He took a sip of his beer to give himself a moment. He forced out the words, “No. Not love.”
She laughed. “That’s convincing.”
He didn’t want to be a bad date to this girl, but her questions were making him very uncomfortable. “You know, maybe we could change the subject. What about you? Ever been in love?”
She blinked a moment. “Um, okay. Yeah, I think I was in love back in high school. But, you know, I’m sure it’s different as an adult—“
She kept talking, and he found his mind wandering to those kisses he’d shared with Zoey, to the silent communication, the kind of communication that worked between them. On a physical and spiritual level, their relationship had actually been functional. “You know, if it weren’t for her goddamn mouth, we might have been able to work something out.”
Silence.
He looked up and realized he’d interrupted her. She stared at him in shock.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “You’d asked about love, and I got to thinking about all the things we didn’t say to each other.”
Her smile was wry. “That can be a challenge in a relationship. Reading between the words.”
“Yeah, no shit.” He leaned back in the booth and frowned down at his half-eaten steak. “She could just be such an out-of-control bitch, but the moment I kissed her, she gave up. She just gave herself up to me. Let me have control. It was—I gotta say, it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Just holding her in my arms and looking into her eyes, knowing I put that satisfied smile on her face.” He shook his head, wondering what it all meant.
“Could you talk to her at all? Or was it only the physical stuff that worked?”
“No, we talked. We had some good conversations. She’s actually really funny and fun. And, I mean, I could cut loose with her. I could snap back a little and she wouldn’t get offended. I could be myself and not worry about hurting her. God knows if I did something she didn’t like, she’d just flip me off or something. It’s nice to be with someone who can deal with her own emotions. You don’t have to worry about making sure you didn’t offend her or whatever because she’ll let you know. No guessing games.”
“What went wrong, then?”
“It was that. The flipping me off thing. She’d get angry about other things and take them out on me and then tell me I should be strong enough to put up with it.”
“She wasn’t holding up her end of the relationship.”
He snapped his fingers and met her eyes. “Exactly. See? You get it.” And then it hit him. He gaped at her and leaned forward. “Bev, I am so sorry. I am being a horrible date. Let’s go back to talking about you. What did you say you did for a living?”
She laughed and folded her napkin. “You’re a great person, but I think we both know this date is over.”
He was shaking his head before she finished. “Beverly, you are exactly the kind of woman I need. Listen to yourself. You’re calm, reasonable, thoughtful. You’re a damn fine woman, and I wanna get to know you. You gotta give me another chance.”
She reached across the table and took his hand. Her eyes sparkled with humor and kindness. “I think if we’d gotten together a month ago, we’d have hit it off great, but you’re in love with Zoey. And for that reason, I’ve lost all respect for you.”
He grinned, then he dropped his head and laughed. “Shit,” he said. He leaned back in his seat and signaled the server for their bill. “You know, Bev, I’ve got about a dozen funny bad-date stories, but as far as I know, I’ve never been the subject of one.”
“Until tonight,” she said.
He nodded and handed over his credit card.
“Yes, sir, I’m going to be telling this bad-date story to a lot of people. A lot of people we both know.”
“I feel that’s your right as a victim of the bad date. And I’m deeply sorry. If I’d seen all this about myself, I would never have called you.”
“Well, it was a free meal, for me, and a good one.”
“At least there’s that. I’ve always had to pay for my bad dates.”
The server returned and Kellen signed the receipt. He stood and held out his hand to Beverly, taking her elbow and leading her toward the exit.
He drove her home and apologized once more. He didn’t want to go to his empty house, so he drove out to Jayce’s bar. Rick, thankfully, wasn’t there. It was crowded, so he’d likely be drinking in peace. He ordered a shot and a beer. Jayce gave him a funny look, since whiskey was rare with Kellen.
The bar noise was composed of pool balls cracking together, women laughing too loudly, men shouting and telling dirty jokes…typical sounds. Kellen let himself zone out on the noise. He didn’t want to do much thinking. He kept a buzz going until around midnight and then switched to water.
The crowds died down and Jayce made his way to the end of the bar. “Date didn’t go well?”
Kellen glared at him. “I’m in love with Zoey.”
Jayce showed no reaction.
Kellen took a drink of water. “My life as a bachelor is over. She’s it for me. I just gotta figure out how to deal with all her crazy.”
“Something wrong with Beverly?”
“No. She was perfect. But Zoey’s my girl. I love her. I don’t even have any interest in the perfect woman. Guess that makes Zoey better than perfect.”
“You got it pretty good, Kel. All you gotta do is go get her. You love her. You want her. You go get her. Pretty easy indeed.”
“Best of all, she remembers making out with me.”
Jayce grabbed a handful of peanuts and flung them at him. “Asshole.”
Kellen laughed. “I’m sorry. I can’t stop thinking of how you looked. And Maya sitting there trying to remember.”
“Glad you got a laugh out of it. Never mention it again.”
“Wounded your ego, did she?”
“Ya think? How the fuck would you feel?”
“Pretty crappy, I guess.” He thought about it some more. “God, that would kill me. It was hard enough when I wasn’t sure I could get her to go out with me. Now—shit, I don’t know what I’d do if this was more important to me than to her.”
Jayce had gone expressionless, again and Kellen realized he was being insensitive. “Hey, I’m sorry,” he said.
Jayce waved him off. “Don’t worry about me. I’ve got Janice. Shake that hot ass, Jan!” he shouted.
The blond waitress across the bar flashed him a smile and did a little shimmy move for him. Jayce nodded in appreciation.
“Nice,” Kellen said sarcastically. “You are aware she’s sleeping with Don down at the bank.”
“No problem. That woman needs more than one lover.”
The door to the bar opened and Addy came in, looking way too classy for Jayce’s bar. Expensive clothes, expensive haircut, and already she was learning to wear that air of condescension that her mother had spent so many years drilling into her. She perched next to Kellen, but it was Jayce she spoke to. “That scotch you bought me? I need to know something about it so I can sound smart when I talk to Grey—I mean, Dr. McDaniel.”
“Hmm,” Jayce murmured. “I’m not a scotch man. I’ve got a book back in my office.”
“Perfect,” Addy said.
“Man the bar?” he asked Kellen.
Kellen nodded and Jayce slipped down the hall toward his office. After he was gone, Kellen turned back to Addy. “How’s she doing?”
“Zoey? She’s fine. She’s an independent, modern woman. She doesn’t need a man to be happy.”
Kellen chuckled. “That what she said?”
“Says. Pretty much every time I see her. Between you and me, though, I think she’s been happier.”
Kellen nodded. “I’ve been happier, too.”
“Easy problem to solve.”
“Yeah. That’s what I was thinking.”
Jayce came back and handed a book to Addy. “Here you
go,” he said. “You’ll either get really educated on scotch or else discover the cure to insomnia.”
“Thanks, Jayce. You’re the best.”
She stood and kissed Kellen on the cheek. “Good luck. I’m really hoping it works out. Honest-to-God, she’s never been as happy as she was with you.”
After she left, Kellen sat in silence for a while, deciding how he was going to go about getting back into Zoey’s life.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Kellen went shopping for groceries the next day. He got a bunch of pantry stock items, such as macaroni ’n cheese and instant oatmeal…stuff Maya and the kids would need. Then he took it all to Zoey’s house. When he knocked on the door, it was Tracy who answered. Her smile turned lascivious when she saw him.
Here we go. “Zoey home?” he asked.
“No, she’s at court.”
Ah, the angry Christmas shopper. He did the mental math and realized it was, indeed, her court date.
“Come on in anyway, if you want,” Tracy said, stepping aside.
“Thank you. I told her I’d help with groceries while Maya and the kids are here.” He walked past her into the kitchen. Maya was there making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He set the bags down and took her in his arms. “Maya, there’s not enough of you to hug. You been eating?”
“I have, but stress sucks the calories right away.”
Kellen unpacked the groceries into Zoey’s pantry. Then he took a breath and turned to the bar where Tracy was sitting. He had no idea how his stomach was going to handle this, but his plan was to flirt with her to get her to do what he wanted. He leaned against the bar on his palms and smiled. “How are you doing, beautiful?”
She sat up taller and beamed at him. “Just dandy. It’s been quite a restful vacation.”
He nodded. “Good. I’m sure you needed that. I noticed your car wasn’t in the driveway. Is there anything I can do to help you get it back?”
Tracy stuck out her bottom lip and twirled her hair. She could have spared herself the victim act, Kellen had already resolved in his mind to do whatever Tracy needed just to relieve Zoey of some of her burden. “It got impounded,” she said. “We can’t afford the fee, and they charge twenty-five bucks a day on top of it.”