When I pulled my hand back, it felt like fire.
And my hand was bleeding.
I looked back at the guys.
“There. Happy now?”
I slammed the door behind me and went into another part of the studio. I stared at the wood walls and the high track lighting. Sab’s drum kit shone brightly. The cymbals looked fucking pristine. Guitars resting against the amps with about twenty more hanging up on the walls. Then there was the corner vocal booth.
“Nash, your girl is here,” Dex’s voice sounded through the speakers.
I looked through the window to where the recording equipment was and saw Dex leaning over the soundboard, laughing.
I left the room and saw Liv standing in the hallway, gazing at all the pictures on the wall. They were of famous musicians who had recorded at this studio. Along with framed albums and songs recorded here that turned out to be massive hits.
Liv gave a head nod like some tough guy.
She made me smile.
And she always amazed me.
Which was why I kept hanging around her.
“There is no story, babe,” I said to her. “So you better be ready to spin some of that amazing fiction.”
“Your hand is bleeding, Nash,” she said.
I lifted my right hand. “Yeah. It is.”
“Why?”
“I punched a picture and a wall.”
“Why?”
“Because I felt like it.”
I walked by her down to another room where there were leather couches, a fridge, and everything else we needed to keep functioning in the studio. It was like a living room and kitchen collided. I opened the top right cabinet and found the bandages. It wasn’t the first time we were in this studio and it wasn’t the first time someone bled.
I stood there and rinsed my bloody knuckles off.
“I can help with that,” Liv said.
“I only need your help with one thing, babe,” I said.
“Is that what we’re doing then?” she asked.
I turned my head and tossed her the bandages. “Fine. Do it.”
“You don’t have to be a dick about it.”
I sat on the couch and reached for her curvy hips. “Can we pretend you’re the school nurse? And I just beat the shit out of the big bad bully?”
“Is that a fantasy for you?”
“If you saw my school nurse, you’d get it.”
“Good to know.”
“I’d fake stomachaches to go see her,” I said. “And I’d do anything to get her to touch me. Then I’d move to try and make her touch my-”
“I don’t want to hear this,” Liv said.
“I thought you were the one writing the story about us.”
“Not about you jerking off to the school nurse,” she said.
“How about me jerking off to you?”
Liv ripped open a bandage and crouched down. “Give me your hand, you idiot.”
She put the bandage around my knuckles.
I studied her face.
All her features.
Her hair. Her eyes. Her eyebrows. Her cheeks. Her lips.
Fuck.
“I don’t want to do this as much as you don’t want me to do it,” she said.
“Good. Then let’s make shit up. Piss your daddy off.”
Her eyes looked to mine. “Don’t bring him up when we’re together.”
“Issues? That’s why you’re so good at fucking, babe.”
“Nash, don’t make me kill you.”
I laughed. “You go right from sex to death, huh?”
“I never went to sex. You did.”
“You have sex burning in your eyes, babe.” I leaned forward and put my fingers under her chin. “I bet you’re wet right now. Aren’t you?”
Liv didn’t answer me.
I slid my fingers down her neck and over her shirt.
She quickly stood up and backed away. “You had six members at one time.”
“What?”
“The band. You had six members. Your first promo images of the band had six members. And the first demo-”
“Are you really playing reporter with me right now, Liv?” I asked as I stood up.
“I need something, Nash. Just let me write something so we can be done with this.”
“Be done, huh?”
“We know the ending to this, right?”
“Do we?” I asked.
“Yeah. We do. You go from the studio to the road. I go to New York. Life goes on.”
I got closer to her. I touched her hips again. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Why not?”
“Your eyes, babe. They’re so fucking blue… you can’t hide a thing.”
“And what am I hiding?”
I leaned down and kissed her cheek. “You’re falling for me, Liv.”
She put her hands to my chest and pushed at me. “Fuck you, Nash. I’m not falling for anything. Especially for you. Or your rock star bullshit life.”
I smiled.
She had no idea how far I could and would take this.
“You know what?” she asked. “You’re right. I’ll make something up. I just thought maybe you’d want to talk to me. Tell me something real for once.”
She darted toward the doorway.
By the time I caught up to her she was halfway down the hallway. I got her by the waist again and pulled her close to me. Her back to my front.
She put her hands to my hands but didn’t do anything else.
That’s what I thought, babe.
“You only want something real from me so you can tell yourself what you feel is real,” I whispered. “And that it’s okay to fall for a guy like me. Because you have no idea what to expect. If I’m going to be faithful or not. Fuck, if I’m even remotely thinking the same thoughts as you.”
Liv didn’t reply.
I kissed the top of her head and let her go.
She didn’t move.
My eyes studied her some more.
I ran a hand through my hair and finally learned an important lesson in life.
Sometimes when you fuck with temptation you get in too fucking deep…
* * *
When I saw Liv standing at the door in a hoodie and shorts short enough to be panties, I made fists and wished to everything that I had a bottle of whiskey with me to drink her beauty away. Which was impossible to do.
“Nash?” she asked.
“Mitchy.”
“What?”
“Mitchy. That was the sixth guy in the band.”
I turned away from her apartment door and needed to get the hell out of there.
The plan had been to grab her, kiss her, fuck her, then leave her.
Now I was suddenly dropping Mitchy’s name?
“That’s it?” she called out. “You tracked down where I live for that?”
I turned. “You asked a question and I answered it.”
She folded her arms and stood outside the apartment.
Her father was rich enough that she could have lived anywhere in the city. She could have been in a high rise. Or had her own place on the beach.
But she wanted to make it work on her own terms.
She wanted her own life.
Her own dreams.
“What else do you want to know, babe?” I asked.
“What happened?”
I walked to the doorway and we were just inches apart.
“Mitchy played guitar and piano,” I said. “He and Jay were close. And we wanted a big sound and we wanted to do something crazy together. A bunch of rock stars who could play guitars, right? Jay and Mitchy traded solos. Dex carried the rhythm. Reed kept the sound. Sab made the beat. That was the band, babe. And you know what? Mitchy couldn’t keep his veins clean long enough to play a show.”
“Oh, Nash…”
“Hey, it’s the life. We all party. But there are times when that shit doesn’t cut it. Finding Mitchy in a bathroom five mi
nutes before showtime, his guitar in his lap… half dead… it just didn’t cut it.”
“So you kicked him out,” Liv said.
“We brought in another guy. Linx. He was good. Then that went bad too. In a different way, I guess. You want to dig, babe? Be careful what you find. There’s a reason things are buried.”
I grabbed her cheeks and kissed her.
She grabbed my shirt.
But that was it for me.
I backed away.
“Nash…”
“You got that one out of the way,” I said.
“I won’t write about it,” she said. “I swear. I don’t want to write about your dirt. Your past. Your pain.”
“No pain, babe,” I said. “Just life.”
“Stay,” she said. “Come in and stay. Spend the night.”
“Sorry, Liv. I’m off to the studio.”
“This late?”
“Early for me,” I said.
I turned and hit the stairwell door open.
“Nash!” Liv cried out one more time.
“What?” I asked without looking back.
“Thanks for telling me that.”
I had nothing else to say.
I left the apartment building and climbed into the back of the SUV.
“Everything good?” Bill asked.
“Fucking perfect,” I said. “Did you tell Jimmy to meet us at the studio?”
“That I did,” Bill said. “You’re all set for the night.”
I had to get Liv off my mind. Even if it meant wasting my mind for the night.
If I went back up to that apartment…
I wouldn’t leave with my heart intact.
* * *
“So where are we at with the new song?”
I put my cup down on the counter and looked at Toby. “We?”
“You know what I mean, Nash,” Toby said.
I looked around the fancy kitchen. I pointed to a metal arm looking thing above the stove and nodded. “Is that one of those things for pasta?”
“Yeah,” Toby said.
“When the fuck was the last time you made pasta?”
“What’s your point?” Toby asked.
I laughed and pushed away from the counter. “Nothing. You’re worried about this deal, Toby. It’s not a good look on you.”
“Hey,” Toby said. “I know what’s best. And how to survive right now in this thing. They want to give you everything you’ve ever wanted. There’s no more adding a track because you need a radio song. There’s no more forcing lyrics to make a pussy a cat. Okay?”
“Those are my favorite songs,” I said.
“Tell that to how many producers you punched throughout the years?”
“And tell me which one didn’t deserve it.”
“They all did, Nash,” Toby said. “Believe me. They all did. But the band is in a good spot. Coming off the tour. A few stories that were controlled. Dale is giving you the keys…”
“So no more stealing cars and sinking them,” I said with a wink.
“Can you ever be serious for a second?”
“I’m always serious, Toby. In the bedroom. Between the sheets. On the sheets. In the shower. You have to be careful in the shower. One slip and…”
Toby rubbed his jaw and folded his arms. “I’ll wait.”
“The music is good, Toby,” I said. “You know that already. We’re putting together something that works for the band and SLECK. Okay?”
“Thank you,” Toby said. “I have a ton of things to do here, Nash. Working with Jess to get-”
“Working with her or on her?”
“Jesus Christ,” Toby said. “You can’t help it, can you? You see tits and pussy and that’s it. You have to imagine fucking her.”
“I’m just pulling for you,” I said. “She’s bitchy. She’s miserable. She’s… like you. Like a pretty, female version of you.”
Toby chuckled. “Oh yeah, that’s a great image in my head now.”
“What? You fucking yourself?”
Toby shook his head. “You know, someday I dream about you and I talking like two normal people.”
I nodded. “Well, maybe that’s today. You ever hear from Mitchy?”
“Mitchy? Jesus… what’s got you thinking about him?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Just answer my question.”
“Nash, we haven’t heard from Mitchy since the lawsuit.”
The lawsuit.
I curled my lip.
We went from playing fucking music and making tons of money to dealing with lawyers and lawsuits.
“Nash, if you’ve got some shit going on in your head…” Toby sighed. “You have to let it out. You have to talk about it. You can talk to me. I won’t say anything to anyone. Or if you want me to find someone you can talk to. We can work it all out. But you can’t take that shit and hold-”
“I’m fucking Olivia,” I said. I grabbed for my glass and downed the expensive whiskey. I smacked my lips together. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Jesus Christ,” Toby said again. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No,” I said. “I’ve been chasing her ass since the tour. Can’t help it.”
“Can’t help it? You know what’s at stake?”
“I do,” I said. “I’m telling you for a good reason.”
“And what reason is that?”
“I’m not going to stop fucking her,” I said. “I like fucking her. I like everything about fucking her. I’m not going to broadcast it loud and clear that I’m fucking her, but I’m not going to play it off either.”
Toby shut his eyes for a few seconds. “Why did you tell me this? You could have just done your thing, Nash.”
That was a good question. A really good fucking question.
And the answer was simple but hard to say.
I wanted Toby to know about Liv because I had to say it out loud.
To make sure it was true. To make sure it was real.
And it wasn’t just that I was fucking her. Or throwing my entire career up in the air.
It was something else.
Something I refused to speak of.
I liked fucking Liv.
Worse yet… I liked her even when her clothes were on.
14
OLIVIA
I sat at the kitchen table, my legs folded up to my chest, and I typed away at my laptop. Nothing like a little four in the morning inspiration to hit me. But luckily there was coffee. And there was quietness. Which was something I didn’t realize how much I could miss . Like how fast things had been happening in life, it was nice to have a moment where time felt like it had slowed down. Not to mention at that hour in the morning it seemed like everyone in the world was sleeping.
So it was just me.
My laptop.
A story.
I had taken a risk and emailed an agent who had offered to help me a year ago. She had somehow gotten tied into my father through a book turned movie that had music involved in it. Stubborn me refused to accept any contract through my father.
But now?
The goal was bigger than ever.
To get what I wanted for once.
And in the back of my mind… get away from Nash.
Before things got too out of hand.
Because everything he said to me was true.
Maybe the words falling for him were a stretch but there was something there. And for as tough as Nash wanted to be by putting it all on my shoulders, he felt something too.
But that life?
On the road. Picking out women to fuck. Shoving shit up his nose. Drinking whiskey like it was water. Messing with the law. Strippers on speed dial. City to city, night after night, morning after morning, collecting panties and broken hearts… living in this city and recording music only to go out and do it again…
That was his life.
Not mine.
Not to mention the stories I heard about the other guys, their hou
ses and what went on there. There was no doubt in my mind that Jay’s no clothes allowed rule was real. I was not going to walk around Jay’s house butt naked. And I had no desire to see other women doing the same.
It was a lot to think about at once.
The word excess having a whole new meaning as I watched the way the band lived. It was like they were in their own world.
But you know what?
So was I.
I had my laptop. I had coffee.
I had my favorite hoodie on.
That was all I needed.
Until someone started to knock at my door.
I squinted my eyes and looked at the clock on the laptop.
It was just before six.
When I was writing, I kept my phone flipped over so nothing could distract me.
Which was a mistake this time.
There were texts.
From Nash.
I slowly stood up, listening to the nonstop knocking at the door.
Nash was here.
And my guess was that he hadn’t gone to bed yet.
* * *
He smelled like whiskey and smoke.
Which was so common for Nash that I not only expected but actually liked it.
I caught myself standing there trying to smell the air to see if I could pick up on cheap perfume or cheaper body spray or… the smell of another woman’s… parts…
“Morning, babe,” Nash said. “Or should I say goodnight?”
“I’ve been up writing,” I said. “What do you want?”
“To know why you’re not answering me.”
“I was busy. My life doesn’t revolve around you.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, Nash. It is. I fulfilled my commitment on the road. Remember?”
“Oh, I remember the road,” he said with a grin. “I remember the last show too. Back home. The hotel.”
“I’m surprised you remember it,” I said. “Considering you have a new one each night.”
Nash touched my cheek. “Oh, babe, I’ll never forget your pussy.”
My face decided to burn red hot, as did my… well… you know…
And I hated myself for it.
But it was fucking Nash.
Standing there staring down at me with those eyes. His thumb stroking my cheek.
“Why did you come here?” I asked.
A FILTHY Rock Star: a filthy line novel Page 13