“The top one means eternity. The second one means many lives, and the third one, is the symbol for destiny. They are Egyptian based, with a Celtic edge. Do you like them?”
“Yeah…they are amazing.” In fact, they suited him.
She ran her hand down his back, touching the drawings that looked as if they were part of his body, every muscle was perfectly in line with the other, as her hand moved, his body flexed. That’s when it dawned on her, almost enough to make her burst out laughing.
Carnegie had landed an absolutely perfect specimen of a male. It was as if the God of Karma had placed his finger on her and said “You…Carnegie Lane, shall find retribution for the poor treatment and neglect by those only ordinary rock bands you dedicated yourself to, so long ago…We shall give you the Rock star of the gods…” Nate Bowman was gorgeous, and for some bizarre reason, he was really into her. She couldn’t have set this up to happen even if she tried. Not only did writing this book give her confidence and a bank account full of money, it gave her him!
It’s hard to say what came over her in that moment. It had been a long time since she had been impulsive, but now seemed as good a time as any to become that way again.
“Nate…” She said, unintentionally seductively.
“Carnegie” He replied, picking up on her tone.
“You can’t go without a shower… So my shower… now…I’m coming too.”
“You’re on!” Nate put his arms around her and picked her up easily. He carried her to the bathroom, and closed the shower door behind them as the mist began to form in the room. It was one of the best fifteen minutes of her life. It left a grin that would take days to remove from her face… if you knew what to look for.
Nate had gone back to his room, meeting up with Leonie who had been pacing the floor outside in the hall on the way. She was getting ready to barge in and steal him, in fear of missing that plane. It was almost funny hearing him being scolded by her. She felt like a school kid, busted after a prom, it was almost laughable.
Carnegie went in and told the twins she would be back soon. The little ones were still sleeping soundly, they wouldn’t even know she was gone. There was no argument from either of them, who were happy to just hang in bed a little longer. For them all it had been a massive three days.
On the way to the airport, Nate was trying to make sure, she knew how much she mattered, and was trying to find ways to reassure her, no matter what…She was a priority now.
“I’ll call you tonight. We don’t have a show till Wednesday, so I’ll call you. ok?” Nate was setting up a schedule to keep in touch.
“You don’t have to call me all the time… I’ll be fine.”
“I want to, besides I’ll be bored without you. I think I miss the kids already. Can I keep one?” He asked with a grin and a wink.
“No!” She said jokingly.
“Tell those girls to study hard.”
“Yeah it’s only trials, they will do fine. Don’t you worry, I’m all over it.”
They arrived at the airport with the fanfare of photographers and screaming girls, just as had been expected. Carnegie got out of the car, followed closely by Nate and Leonie. She turned to see if there was any luggage or anything about to be unloaded, like a normal person…arriving at the airport. It appeared there wasn’t any. She turned around and Nate was gone, lost behind a wall of fans, being pushed along by security guards and photographers. She tried to push her way through, just a little bit, just enough.
Nate turned around, realizing what had happened and he could just tell she wasn’t behind him. The separation between the two of them could almost be felt on a physical level. It was too late, he couldn’t go back, he had to keep moving forward till he was through security and on the other side of the crowd.
Carnegie found a chair and stood on it to watch as he walked away, out of her world, taking every part of her with him as he did. It wasn’t for long, she knew he would be back, he promised.
Right now she felt ripped off and hated the fans that were standing between them. She didn’t even get to say goodbye. Every inch of her body wanted to be on that plane with him. Every inch of her common sense, told her to brace herself. This wasn’t about to get any easier. She walked back toward to car, and the driver who was waiting patiently for her to do so. Time continues forward… Even when you wish it would stop.
Carnegie Lane, mother of four, idol to inanimate objects and almost author was suddenly and unexpectedly alone in an airport.
So hard finding inspiration, I knew you’d find me
Crying, tell those girls with rifles for minds
That their jokes, don’t make me laugh
They only make me feel like dying
In an unguarded moment.
“Unguarded Moment”
Written by Stephen Kilbey and Michelle Parker
The Church – Of Skins and Heart Album 1981
15
The plane trip back to Bundaberg held nowhere near the enthusiasm of arriving in Brisbane. Both Sobian and Olivia were still on their high, simply for having been able to live the teenage dream. Sienna was tired, and certainly let her mother know that her nine year old had the ability to complain and become impossible once company had left.
Connor was working in his mind a new set of torments for his little sister. Carnegie didn’t care, she wasn’t there. Her body was present but her mind was absent. Right now, it was still the same old story, in so many ways. Girl meets boy. They fall in love. Boy flies away into the sunset.
Did they really happen? Did she matter at all, now the cameras were gone? Walking into the car park at Bundaberg Airport was like a silent echo of laughter, every step dragging them further apart. Every footstep saying ‘you wish’.
I guess that was the whole point. Carnegie Lane didn’t wish for any of this. She never asked for Nate Bowman to come. She definitely didn’t beg for tickets, and least of all, she never expected to be left reeling from a whirlwind affair. Right now the level of vulnerability was beyond her. All she wanted was to get home, survive the drive, and go back to what was familiar. The music that set her free.
Seconds became hours, although they took their time, feeling like an eternity between each tick of the clock. Sleep was good, it would give her some comfort. Especially since there was no phone call, even though she waited. The fact she told him not to call didn’t matter. She was a woman, she clearly didn’t mean it!
The next morning, Carnegie Lane got up, long before her children did. She sat out the back on her verandah with a cup of coffee, fighting the daylight, wishing it to stay away. Not today. Just not today.
Nate Bowman was awake in his hotel in Sydney. He had two hours before he needed to get ready for his first television interview. Even though he had every opportunity to sleep, he tossed and turned, unable to do so. Every second, felt like a thousand hours, every minute felt like a life time.
Each time he closed his eyes, he saw Carnegie Lane and four children that had come to matter to him more than he believed possible. He wondered if she was awake. If he had known where she was right now, he would have called her and made a million promises all over again. Nate Bowman had waited nearly twenty years to find Carnegie, maybe not exactly her, just someone like her. She was about to go and get her career on track, which was a good thing. He knew it was impossible for her to be with him, although today of all days, he wished she was.
He didn’t understand the feeling he couldn’t shake, or even why it was there. Underneath his happiness, he had a sense it was all going to end. Nate Bowman didn’t like endings, it’s one of the reasons he was determined to keep his career going strongly for so long. To stop would mean to remember and in that ending would surface the memories of his life, some he had worked hard to forget.
Time had proven that some things were harder to walk away from than others. Nate walked to the sliding doors in his hotel, and stepped out onto the small balcony at the Park Hyatt, overlooking the Sydney Harbou
r bridge and the Opera House. He stood there silently for a moment, just taking in the scenery and the experience of a new environment.
“Happy Birthday Taylor.” He said softly and to no one but the ghost he knew was always there. “Happy Birthday.”
Lilli woke up early in Missouri. Today was the one day of the year she made an extended effort to visit old friends. Her children organized, and her husband off to work, Lilli got in her car and drove to the florist. Then she made her way across town, over to the Nursing Home where Taylor’s mother lived now.
She walked through the hallways, listening to the sounds, recognizing the agony and sadness that went along with this place. She stopped when she reached the room she was looking for and walked inside.
Lilli sat down in the chair opposite the old woman and gently took her hand. There was no resistance.
“Barbara, it’s Lilli, Lilli Bowman. Do you remember me?” She asked the same question every year.
It was hard to know if she did remember her, sometimes she thought her eyes could see her, other times, she wondered if she was looking beyond, at a ghost from her past.
“It’s Taylor’s birthday today, I bought you some flowers.” Lilli stood up and found a vase, she put some water in it from the sink in Barbara’s room and then, placed the flowers on a small table in front of her, so she could see them clearly.
“These were her favorite. Remember how much she loved daisies and yellow roses?”
There was no answer, although Barbara was looking at the flowers.
Lilli sat with her for a while, she told her about her children, about her husband. She talked about graduation, and the day Taylor won the cheerleading competition. She reminded Barbara about how Taylor dreamed of singing on Broadway. It was then that Barbara would smile, as if she could see her daughter in her lead roles again, performing for the school. Still, she said nothing.
Lilli was just about to leave, when Barbara suddenly came to life.
“I see her you know…Taylor. She comes here sometimes.”
“What?” Lilli asked. She was not so shocked with what she said, it was the fact she spoke at all.
“Taylor, she visits me when she can. Such a busy girl. Always planning….planning.”
Lilli went at sat back by her bed. Suddenly she had her entire attention.
“Planning what?”
“Planning a way to leave. She can’t leave you know. Not until Nate let’s her go.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about Lilli, you remember. You were there.”
“It was a long time ago Barbara. A very long time ago.”
“Yes it was. That’s why she brought her to him. She worked very hard to choose, who would become her replacement.”
Lilli’s heart was thumping at a million miles an hour. This conversation was spooky, although for a long time, she had a feeling Taylor was around. She didn’t know how, or even question why. It was just something that would come over her, like an energy, or a memory.”
“What replacement Barbara?”
“Taylor’s replacement…for your brother, so he will let her go and be happy.”
“Do you know her name?” Lilli believed she knew her name, she also knew Barbara would have no idea who she was. It would be impossible.
“Of course dear…Taylor tells me everything. Her name is Carnegie….Carnegie Lane.” Barbara looked up at Lilli, then as quickly as she had come to life, her eyes dulled and once again, she became vacant.
Even though Barbara was no longer there…she began to sing the words of a song…with absent eyes… “It’s alright baby I’m doing the best that I can… I’m trying hard to change but I’m doing the best that I can…”
Lilli wanted to get up and run, run and never stop. She got herself together as best she could and walked out the door. There were some things in her life she chose not to delve into. Speaking with the dead was one of them. Although she was happy to talk to Taylor, she always dreaded the moment she would talk back.
The day was warm, it was always warm in July. Although Lilli felt cold, as if December was bearing down on her. She got in her car and began to drive home. She decided it was time to call Kat. Even though she wouldn’t disclose the conversation between Barbara and herself, it was time to get a run down on exactly who Carnegie Lane was, and what it was she had written.
As she drove, the song she had run away from came into her mind. She could hear Taylor singing it, a long time ago standing on a stage in front of the school all eyes on her, yet when she finished, there was no applause, instead there was a sense of foreboding.
Those lyrics were significant, the words haunted her then, they haunted her still. The memory came flooding back, watching Taylor two days before she died singing a song that proved to be her last. Now here it was again playing again in her mind as if it were yesterday.
“Because fame causes fortune and fortune takes it away, fortune causes nightmares, nightmares that make you crazy. But it’s alright baby I’m doing the best that I can. And I paid a price for it.”
Hours became days and two days later, Carnegie Lane was still moping around the house. Mostly she was trying to get her head around going to London, which in her mind, made her think that in some way she would be further away from him than she already was. She was distracted by the phone. This time she ran to it, as if answering it was the most important thing in the world.
“Hello.”
“Oh God it’s good to hear your voice.”
“Nate…”
“Hi…”
They just remained silent, knowing that if nothing more, somehow they were together.
“Wow…” She said, recognizing how bizarre this was becoming.
“Well, Sydney is nice. Wish you were here.”
“Don’t go there, I wish I was too.”
“How’s the kids?”
“Yeah, so so, same same.”
“Found a sitter for them yet?”
“No, haven’t thought about it, I think the only option is to bite the bullet and call their father.”
“Do you think he will come?”
“I’ll leave him no choice. I have to do it soon though, otherwise, he might not be able to get time off work.”
“Oh yeah, of course.”
“Nate, tell me I’m not going crazy. I miss you so much.”
“You’re a distraction, Carnegie Lane. I miss you too.”
“I hate this.”
“What?”
“Just feeling like this. Like something is missing, except it’s not, because I know what it is.”
“Baby, just listen to me. Go to London. Do what you have to do. I will be in London at the end of the month. I got my new schedule last night. I’ll be there too. We will catch up then.”
Carnegie couldn’t explain the relief when she heard that. Even though she was excited and even a little daunted at the fact her book was coming out, she wished more than anything Nate might be there.
“I’ll call you later... I need to get this organized. I’ll try to leave by the twelfth, I’m just so pleased you called.” She sighed a little, he heard it and it made him smile.
“I couldn’t wait any longer to talk to you. Two more concerts and I’m off to Melbourne. Then back to Europe. This is your turn Carnegie, it’s your turn to shine. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks… I’ll see you soon.”
“I’ll call you again. I’ll call you tonight. OK?”
“Yep, OK…bye.” She put the phone down, suddenly happy. It was still almost a cruel separation, but now, it was bearable. She picked up her phone and made another call. One she never thought she would.
“Hello?” The voice on the end said.
“Hi, it’s me.”
“Carnegie, Hi…I wasn’t expecting…” she cut him off. It wasn’t a social call, and even though she needed something from him, the last thing she needed was polite small talk.
“I need your help. I need you to come to Bundaberg and stay with the kids.”
There was silence for a moment. He was wondering where she was going.
“Because?” He questioned.
“I need to go to London.” She didn’t offer any more information.
“Chasing that singer I presume?”
“Now how did I know you were going to say that?”
“Well…are you?”
“I didn’t call you to fight.”
“I only asked a question. Carnegie, why are you being like this?”
“Because I don’t know you anymore and I don’t really want to, but we have four kids and right now, I need you to come stay with them.”
“I can’t just drop everything for you to chase a whim.”
“My book is being released in London on the fourth of September if you must know. My agent wants me there no later than the fourteenth for promotion and pre-interviews. Nate Bowman will still be in Australia when I leave. Are you happy now?”
There it was again, that awkward silence, if she could just find it within her to be a little nicer, this might not have taken as much effort. She didn’t want to make it nice, she wanted to show him it was necessary.
“Well, what are the dates, I need to run it by…”
“You need to be here on the eleventh of August, until at least the fifteenth of September. You don’t run it by anyone. You need to tell them you don’t have a choice. We have internet….work from here if you have to.”
“OK fine, I will come. But Carnegie, I meant what I said the other day… I’m sorry.”
“I meant what I said too. You should be. Call me tomorrow and let me know your flight details, I’ll pick you up.”
“OK, I will. Talk soon.”
She hung up the phone with a sense of indifference, just hearing his voice stirred her up inside. Sometimes she thought that going through the emotions of a separation were like living extreme weather patterns. Sometimes you’re sad, sometimes so angry you could kill them. Sometimes you’re so lost you don’t think you’ll ever survive without them no matter what damage had been done. Sometimes, there was nothing, like a calm before a storm, or the beauty of the sun beginning to shine just after one. No matter how many times you thought those emotions were gone, somewhere, deep inside, they still existed.
The Unexpected Life of Carnegie Lane Page 19