I see your face
I know I’m finally yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
“Pieces”
Written by Robert Douglas Graves
Red – End of Silence Album 2006
20
Nate Bowman lay on the hospital bed next to Carnegie Lane. He gently stroked her hair, all the while talking to her. Almost begging.
“Come back to me Carnegie…I love you. I need you.”
Beep…Beep…Beep… Her only response.
At what stage do you accept what appears to be inevitable? Carnegie Lane had very little change in her vitals for Twenty three days. She was trapped, although no one but her could know that. She wasn’t far away, just behind a door, one she still had to open.
Her children walked into the room, and took up a position around her. They spoke to her, they sang to her and apart from her heart rate increasing occasionally, there was no change.
Dr Rodelle was observing from a distance. He was a head trauma specialist, one that had been assigned to make the decision to turn off the life support. Today was the day, yet for Nate it came too quickly.
“How long, doctor. Till we…” He trailed off, unable to even think the words, let alone say them in front of her.
“In an hour. We’ll be here to make the decisions on what happens next depending on her reactions. It’s not over yet Mr Bowman.”
Those children looked lost. Until now, their mother had been their security, it seemed that they would be forced to go and live with a father if she died, one that had all but forgotten how to love them. They didn’t know that Nate had other ideas and had already made up his mind to fight for custody if anything were to happen.
Lilli walked into the room with coffee. She had been with Nate for the last twenty four hours. Even though the difference this time, was Carnegie still breathing, she saw a pattern beginning to repeat in her brother, a look in his eye, a recklessness. It scared her to remember what he was like and how hard she had tried to save him once before.
The distance in his eyes meant he was trying to remove himself from everyone and everything around him. To her it felt like he was searching for a way to go to the other world he discovered in his dreams long ago. The one that almost had him diagnosed insane. After reading Carnegie’s book, she wondered…for the first time, if it was possible to move into other realities. One thing she was sure of, if it was possible, Nate had the conviction to do it, even if everyone else thought it was the sign of madness to believe it real.
Jason walked in, calm and relatively without emotion. He showed little outward signs of much, yet he had an amazing mind that continued to tick over unseen. Nate began singing to her again, as he had done and would continue to do until, she was no longer there to listen.
With her book pulling huge sales, it seemed that Katalie had taken up the official position of promoting it, appearing in her absence for interviews. Even though the questioning always went back to Nate, she knew this time to embrace it. Carnegie Lane was now an Author with international standing. She was the overnight success story that everyone loved, the underdog with little to no hope for changing their life. Yet, she had done it. All the time she had conducted herself beautifully. It was the media that turned her into something she wasn’t; now it was the public who were demanding them to make it right.
The vigils outside of the hospital where she lay were larger today than they had been. The fans were given constant updates from within the hospital, at the request of Nate. It seemed everyone was holding their breath, hoping for a perfect outcome.
The book was in reprint, with over five million copies already sold. Nate had told her every milestone she passed as they happened. At the very least, he hoped she could hear him.
How do you define the moments of losing someone that matters to you? How do you recreate an increment in time that allows them to live on, regardless of the tragedy? How do you give up, before they have even taken their final breath? Well giving up was something Nate Bowman wasn’t prepared to do.
The reality that remained unseen was that Carnegie Lane was standing on the other side of a doorway, caught in someone else’s cosmic exit. They couldn’t hear her screaming their names, but she could hear them. She could hear Sienna talking to her, she could hear Nate as he spoke to a voice unfamiliar.
“It’s time. I suggest Mr Bowman, that you do what it is you have been doing. Sing to her.”
Carnegie’s heart rate moved faster a little, everyone looked over toward the bed where she lay, then it returned to normal. Like the metronome Nate had heard so many times in his studio.
One by one, those tubes were removed and then they waited. It felt like hours had passed, yet it was only seconds. Then she did exactly as the doctors hoped she would. Carnegie Lane continued to breathe, unaided.
You could feel the joy in that room. It was the outcome they had hoped for, yet secretly none had expected.
“OK” Said Dr Rodelle optimistically. “This is good…”
Before he even finished his sentence, the alarm on her heart monitor began to sound, and the machines keeping check on her brain patterns began to bounce as if they were monitoring an earthquake. Carnegie Lane was going back into shock. Her secure little world supported by machines was being taken away.
Carnegie could feel something change, and could feel the pull on her from another direction. She turned and looked at the empty hallway, hoping that Taylor would appear and give her some insight. It remained empty. Then the voices began again.
“Talk to her…keep talking to her.” The doctor kept his calm, even though this could go either way, and he knew it.
A nurse walked into the room with a crash cart, just in case.
“Mum wake up. Just wake up.” Olivia and Sobian were fighting back tears, both of them had been so brave until now. Sienna was terrified and was hiding under Nate’s Chair. Even Connor, who was usually in the background had moved forward and grabbed her hand.
“I promise I’ll never pick on Sienna again Mum. Please don’t go away. Please wake up.”
“Sing to her Mr Bowman.” The doctor repeated. “ We believe she can hear you.”
Nate grabbed her hand as his face rested close to her ear and began to sing. The monitors calmed down a little, though not enough for her to be out of danger.
The day continued, with little change. Carnegies’ monitors would one minute be calm, the next minute they would be screaming so loud that everyone in the hospital would come running. He never gave up. Not for one second. Nate believed that he would find a way to bring her back.
With the doctors finally confident that Carnegie was stable, Lilli took the children home, all of them exhausted. Jase stayed with Nate, at the very least he would keep him fed, and be there for him. Just in case… Either way.
Katalie had been given updates from Lilli. So far so good. She wanted so badly for Carnegie Lane to wake up. There was so much she wanted to say to her. Not only about how well her book had done, but also, there were apologies she needed to make. Starting with her attempts to keep her separated from Nate in the first place. Even though what she believed could happen, did happen in the worst possible way, none of it seemed to matter now. It was clear that Carnegie was destined to become a credible author, regardless of how hard Katalie worked to prove it.
It was Kat who was the lucky one out of all of this, and she knew it. Her standing in the publishing industry now had its own validation, way above the expectations of those around her. One thing would never change; she would always be the little sister of Nate Bowman. He was a singer, and she was a seeker of the written word. Both of them similar, yet in reality, to compare what they did proved impossible. One was miles away from the other. Carnegie on the other hand, was the writer of the written word. She was perfect for her brother in so many ways.
Kat walked out of the radio interview and headed to the hospital. Ross called her on the way and decided to meet her there. There were ideas and offers piling in for Carnegie’s story. Not just for ‘Impossible things’, also for the opportunity to tell her story. Just the way it was.
Seconds ticked on, and became minutes. The minutes turned into hours, all the while, Nate never stopped talking to her. He continued to tell her his dreams, all of them involving her and the children he had grown to love so much.
“They want to make a movie out of your story. See I told you it was so much more than just great. Carnegie please, open your eyes, look at me baby.”
“Nate.” Jason interrupted him, although it was a welcomed distraction.
“You keep her comfortable, in everything you say, even with those songs you sing her. It’s all familiar. If she knows every song like you say she does, and every word you sing is perfect, what would she do if you got it wrong? What if you sang the wrong words to make her work a little harder to tell you?”
“I never thought about it.”
“Well, I would, if I were you. But I’m not you… both of you are a little fatalistic in my opinion. Why wish for impossible things, when what you want more than anything is for things to be possible. The word changes the ability for the story to have a happy ending…If that’s truly what you want. Maybe words have more power than we give them credit for.” Jason stood up and walked out of the room. He needed some fresh air.
Most of his life, he had seen things from a different angle. The way he observed people was never main stream. If someone told him one side to a story, he would already be looking at the other side, even though it was never presented.
Jase was younger than Nate, yet he remembered everything that happened the year Taylor died. Nate talked in his sleep constantly. He had conversations with her. Somehow, he had found her and it gave him peace. Of that, Jase had no doubt. He watched his brother deteriorate physically, then he also heard the conversations in his dreams as they began to change.
What was, in the beginning, conversations about loss and the promise of eternal love, became Nate begging her not to let him go, pleading with her to stay with him, even if it wasn’t real.
That’s when the dreams stopped and Nate Bowman began to play the music he would sing in those dreams. Jason knew more than most how his brother became the singer he was today. He heard it, from both sides. It was never his place to say it, not openly. Something inside of him was telling him his brother held a key to finding Carnegie. How he would explain that and not open up old wounds that over time healed to be no more than scars, was what stopped him.
Nate remained holding her hand. He was out of ideas. All he knew was that he loved Carnegie Lane, more than he believed it possible to love anyone ever again. The public outpouring for her and for him was extraordinary. He picked up his guitar and began singing to her again. This time, there was no one around him, it was just them.
Carnegie stood with her hand on the door, listening. She could feel him now, stronger than before. The same feeling that was pulling her away, tugging at her to just let go was also keeping her there. She sang along to the words.
Nate would talk to her in between songs. He would tell her about her book, about the fans, about her kids. Mostly he was reflecting on his brothers words. Carnegie Lanes story was a wish for something that in this world, could never exist. It drew him to her, like a magnet. It had done so since the beginning. He knew the girl in the story, even though he refused to openly acknowledge it. Carnegie had told him first hand when he went to Bundaberg that she dreamed the entire thing. Taylor had sent him a replacement that took her twenty two years to find. Now he sang to her, wishing for impossible things, yet believing above all there was a way to change the outcome.
The oxygen levels in Carnegies blood was slowly dropping. The physical body that she had was governed by a part of the brain that needed to be reacting automatically. Right now, most of her brain was silently sleeping while her consciousness stood outside of the room trying to find a way in. Every now and then, a nurse would come in and check her vitals. They would look at Nate as if they already felt sad for him, for what was to come. He could feel their sympathy as they left quickly and without words.
He closed his eyes and began to pray. Not to God, to the closest thing to an Angel he had ever had.
“Taylor…please if you can hear me now…Bring her back…bring her back and I promise I will let you go.”
Beep…Beep…Beep. The metronome continued.
Back in the hallway, Carnegie could feel once again, a presence. She turned her head a little and there behind her was Taylor.
“He’s called me back again. He wants me to help you find your way. I wish I could scream at him it’s not me who’s keeping you here.”
“Then why don’t you just ignore him?” Carnegie asked. She was wondering why Taylor would come back when he called, even though she seemed annoyed that he did it.
“I could never ignore him Carnegie, no more than you could ever walk away from that door.”
It was true, there was no way she was moving, not with that feeling tugging at her from the room down the hall. The one that had the light brighter than day.
“What’s in that room?” She asked, turning to face Taylor.
“Heaven…of sorts I guess.”
“As in…The Heaven.”
“It’s your Heaven. There is no… The Heaven.”
“And if I go…”
“Then you go. There’s no right or wrong. Remember in your book, in our book. The part about the tragedy left behind will no longer be yours, it becomes theirs. All of that remains, they will mourn but they will survive. Sometimes it’s unavoidable. Sometimes your body is so broken, the tragedy becomes the choice to stay. You’re not that broken, not yet, you’re just lost.”
“Lost? I’m not lost. I’m locked out.”
“How much do you want it?”
“Want my life back?”
“Yeah…as much as those kids of yours and Nate is your key. You have to want it to go back and get it. I told you, how important it was to work it out soon. Your body is dying. It won’t be long, and you will be like I was….Too broken to go back, even if you want to.”
Taylor disappeared again, leaving Carnegie alone knowing she was almost out of time.
She listened as he sang her favorite song…Impossible Things…Ah... Impossible things, just like her book. To wish impossible things…that’s what she did best…so what was it that was bugging her. It was the words…Nate was singing the wrong words!
The monitors once again began to beep out of control. This time he didn’t stop. He continued to sing, even while the nurses surrounded her, and the doctor was called. Carnegie Lane was crashing. Nate continued, singing the tune to a familiar song, with one difference.
“It was the sweetness of your skin, it was the hope of all we might have been that filled me with the hope to wish…For possible things…Wish for possible things….Wish for possible things….”
He continued, even when the doctor screamed for those assisting him to clear. He closed his eyes kept on singing and willed her to him.
Carnegie could hear the change…”Nate…It’s impossible… it’s impossible things.”
Taylor spoke to her from the either’s that surrounded her. “No Carnegie…It is possible now open the door!”
She reached down and turned the handle. Unlike before, this time it moved freely in her hand. She opened that door and that’s all she remembered, from over there anyway. It happened suddenly. It was as if she was sucked back into herself.
“Clear!” The doctor shocked her again, then stood back and waited. She was flat line for what felt like an eternity. Then out of nowhere…Beep…Beep…Beep. Nate stopped singing and looked up. She was back, from where ever it was… almost.
A nurse that had been standing next to her face, thought she heard a whisper. She put her ear down closer to
Carnegie’s mouth. Sure enough, she was muttering words.
She looked up and out at the now crowded room. “She’s saying impossible, impossible things.” There was a cheer, and more action as they set about stabilizing her once again, this time with renewed hope. She had not only survived, she was trying to talk.
Nate didn’t move he felt a numb relief. Jason had been right. It’s what she knew to be wrong, that allowed her to come back. It was holding onto memory of those she loved with all of her heart that she fought to come back too; with help, from a girl who died so very long ago. Some of that was her secret. Most of her time outside of herself she would never consciously remember.
“Nate.” She said gently with her eyes open for the first time.
“I’m here Carnegie.” He said, as he took her hand, “I’ve always been right here.”
The spokesperson went out the front of the hospital and made a statement. The roar of those gathered almost shook the foundations of the entire place. News reports began to filter through to all corners of the world. What everyone had hoped and prayed for had finally happened.
Carnegie Lane, mother of four, idol to inanimate objects and Best Selling Author had suddenly and unexpectedly… woken up.
Our house it has a crowd
There’s always something happening
And it’s usually quite loud
Our mum she’s so house-proud
Nothing ever slows her down
And a mess is not allowed
Our house, in the middle of our street
“Our House”
Written by Chris Foreman & Cathal Smyth
Madness – Rise and Fall Album 1982
21
1 year later…
Carnegie Lane arrived at 153 Park Street in the suburb of Paddington, a little out of place and very disorientated, after suffering a mental concussion from an accident she never saw coming. What it was that brought her back, didn’t come from cataclysmic shock, not like before. You could tell just by looking at that entire family, including the new husband, it was a very happy move.
The Unexpected Life of Carnegie Lane Page 26