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by Leona Keyoko Pink

  He placed me in the bed, nearly dropping me. He got on top of me and roughly parted my legs. I felt like a doll...moving as he wanted me to. His breath was heavy and his voice fumed with rage, “I gave you the choice, remember that,”

  He came at me then aggressively kissing my neck. He squeezed and kneaded my breasts between his fingers. This wasn’t about me...This was about him. What he wanted. He was taking what he wanted with no regard to me...I felt like this was happening to someone else. I felt like I was watching some poor girl getting raped.

  He parted my lips with his fingers and roughly placed himself at my entrance. I wanted to squirm away or pass out but neither happened as we locked eyes. I didn’t think I could process anymore pain. I felt him pull back and-

  **********

  I could fly. I loved to fly. Those were my favorite dreams when the wind would pick me up and take me away like a kite. I’d had so many flight dreams over the years that I had my own system. I could tilt my feet certain ways to control how high or how low I went.

  Whenever I became aware I was flying I was filled with euphoria. And, oh, the sights. I’d never been on a plane before but I saw things, clouds, sunset, sunrises. I knew how they looked from an aerial view. Perhaps I was a bird in another life. Or the wind itself.

  **********

  A soft wind blew gently through the tall grass. I found myself laying in it. I felt at peace here just being among the stars. I wanted to stay here, forever if I could. Nothing existed beyond this moment, beyond this place of safety and peace.

  I closed my eyes and felt warm water on my skin. A wash cloth sliding over me. For a moment I opened my eyes. I saw firelight, the silhouette of a man. He put a cloth in a basin of water and then squeezed it out before pressing it to my face. I closed my eyes and sat up in the field. What was that? It seemed familiar.

  I stood up looking all around me. My breath quickened. I began to hyperventilate. “PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME STAY HERE….HERE,”

  The wind rushed all around me, soothing me, comforting me. That other place faded...It wasn’t real. It hadn’t happened. I strolled through the field letting myself calm down. I could feel the grass tickle the palms of my hands. It felt good. The sand on my feet felt even better. I ran to the water’s edge and dipped my toes.

  I danced, spinning and twirling. I felt free here...at home. I looked in the distance and saw a man walking along the beach. The man I knew but didn’t know. The one that was never happy to see me. I didn’t need this right now. I didn’t need him yelling at me.

  I darted back into the tall grass and crouched down low, hiding. A moment later he was crouching beside me, “I can see you, you know. This is my place. You can’t hide.”

  “Can’t I?” I said, looking at him, “Can’t I just stay here and hide?”

  He sighed heavily, “So you’re hiding?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  He let out another sigh, “Hide somewhere else. This is my dream.”

  “We’re dreaming?” I knew that, didn’t I. “Can’t this be real?”

  He sighed and looked at me sadly, pulling away, “Just leave...Leave and don-“

  “Becca!” a voice boomed, “Wake up, Becca!”

  I felt something slapping my cheek. I reached for my face but found I had no hands...no face….What was I here? Scared, I reached out for the man. I flowed into him and for a moment we were one. His thoughts were mine...Mine were his.

  He was avoiding me….He didn’t want to know me, didn’t want to be drawn...in...again. I was the girl…The girl he died for. And that-

  I passed through him, falling into the tall grass. I turned as he fell to his knees. His back was to me. A hole opened up underneath me as I smelt something strong. I sunk into darkness…waking.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I opened my eyes and found I could only see out of one of them. The other was swollen shut. I was in a lot of pain but it wasn’t overwhelming. It felt dull. Lynn was leaning over me. He had a bandage over the eye I’d try to rip out. He looked worried and shined a light in my eye a second later. He touched the other one and I moaned painfully.

  “Okay, okay, I won’t touch it,” he said. He ran his fingers against the side of my cheek but all I felt was pain. All he caused me was pain. “You were beginning to make me worry,” he said, as if he was capable of caring.

  I didn’t remember much, didn’t want to remember much of what had happened. But I knew he’d hurt me...and bad. I could see bruises littering my body. I probably had a lot of them...Maybe even some breaks. I didn’t know. I’d never been hurt like this before. I attempted to move and my body ached, especially between my legs.

  I began to cry and he quickly wiped my tears away, “Shhh...It’s okay...It’s okay. Are you still in pain? I gave you something for it. Do you need more? I don’t want to give you too much more but-“

  I zoned him out the best I could. I felt jaded, calm. For some reason I wasn’t afraid. Maybe it was whatever he gave me. Maybe it was because I’d already been through so much. What more could he do?

  I looked around the cabin. I could see most things now. The lights were on. I hadn’t been sure if this place had lights. It was modernized. There was nothing old or rustic about it. Nearly every wall had a shelf...except for the one next to the bed. There were pictures all over it...Lots and lots of pictures of me. One of them had been made into a poster. It was a picture from a few years ago. One I’d used online.

  Was this the picture he was talking about? The one he saw and just knew... I looked at the others. They were smaller and I couldn’t make all of them out. I was too far away and could only see out of one fucking eye. However, the ones I could see weren’t from online. A few of them were from maybe a year ago but I hadn’t known him a year ago.

  I turned to look at him. “How long…” My voice came out raspy.

  He quickly got me a bottle of water. I drank the whole thing slowly. I coughed several times and my sides and chest ached. “What is it?” he said moving my hair behind my ears. “What did you want to ask?”

  “How long….have you been planning this?”

  He looked at me and sighed, thinking about it. A coy smile came across his face and I was filled with a sickening dread. Did I really want to know?

  “About two years...” he said, “It took me some time to find you, almost a year. And then I watched and waited...It took me some time to get everything ready,” Bitterly he added, “This wasn’t the plan, of course. We were supposed to meet your senior year of high school, slowly get to know each other, and start dating. I didn’t expect you to be so guarded,”

  “Guarded?” I laughed before coughing. What good it had done me…

  “Why,” I said. “Why me,”

  “Because you’re mine,” he said softly, “I knew it from the moment I saw you. You were the girl of my dreams. The one I’d been looking for all my entire life,”

  “Looking for?”

  “Don’t we all look for the one we want to spend forever with?”

  “I could have been anybody.” I said.

  “No,” he said, shaking his head, “You could have only been you,”

  I looked down at the bedspread trying to understand what he was saying but it seemed...so insane. He’d just seen a picture of me and had decided I was his. Without talking to me, without knowing me, he’d wrecked my entire life. I sat there for several minutes before I said it, “So...you ruined my life over a picture,”

  He seemed offended and pulled away. “You’re the one who made things difficult. Not me. I told you I had a plan.”

  “And when I didn’t follow it you did all those things...”

  “I didn’t do everything,” he admitted.

  I don’t know why it mattered but I wanted to know. “My friendship,”

  “That wasn’t a friendship to begin with,” he said, crossing his arms. “From the moment I met Julia she was more than eager to throw you under the bus to get what she wanted. Does that soun
d like friendship to you?”

  “My laundry,”

  “I needed clothes,” he sighed, “When you made the decision to deny me I had to change my plans,”

  “My dog,” I asked.

  “I had nothing to do with that. You think I’d risk everything removing screws from fences?”

  “My bike locks,”

  “That was all Julia. She took pleasure in it. She wanted to take your bike but I stepped in,”

  “My job,”

  “Again, that was all Julia. She showed me your route and decided to start messing with the papers and breaking the windows. I think she was jealous,”

  “You think?” I said. “If you were after me...why did you even get with her?”

  “Because...you wouldn’t let me get close to you. As I said, she was a means to an end. She got us talking. She helped me keep an eye on you. And when the time came, she got me access.”

  “The sleepover,”

  “My idea. She wasn’t interested in making up, especially since I never broke up with her. She easily believed you were trying to break us up and spreading lies,”

  “So she helped you,”

  “She did. She turned out more useful than I thought,”

  I sat there thinking. He’d manipulated her too but I still...I still couldn’t forgive her. If I ever got out of here I never wanted to see her again. I thought about everything he’d said. I knew I should be mad boiling with rage or creeped out after I’d heard all of it but I didn’t feel any emotion. I felt numb...Maybe I was in shock. Maybe it was this new medication. Maybe I didn’t care.

  More time passed. He just sat there staring at me. Eventually I sighed and asked, “Now what?”

  He leaned in and kissed my lips. I didn’t move. Didn’t feel much. When he pulled back he brushed my cheek. It had hurt the first time but now...again nothing. My body tingled maybe. “Now,” he said, “Breakfast… or dinner,”

  He got up and moved over to the table. He lifted a tray of food: milk, eggs, and pancakes. He set it in front of me. I didn’t move. I just stared at it.

  “What would you like first?”

  I didn’t say anything. He sighed, “Try my eggs first.” He got a fork full and came at me. I just stared at him. I wasn’t hungry. And even then I could feed myself. Wait...I tried to lift my hand. There were large leather cuffs on them.

  “I warned you,” he said, seeing I’d noticed, “If you misbehaved I’d have to restrain you,”

  He pushed the fork near my mouth. I turned my head to the side.

  “Don’t be like this...” he said.

  “They’re also helping you not to hurt yourself,” He lowered the fork, “I...I got a little carried away but you...you do something to me. I lost control. You’re lucky I didn’t hurt you worse.”

  Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky. Lucky. Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky. Lucky. My mind echoed with the word. If I felt anything right now it wasn’t that.

  I swallowed my throat felt dry again. “I treated you. You should start feeling better soon. I’ll let you walk around a little tomorrow if your good,”

  I didn’t say anything. I just stared off into space, the word endlessly echoing to infinity. He attempted to feed me, pressing the fork between my lips, but I didn’t open my mouth. The eggs fell into my lap.

  He grabbed me some pancakes. He tore it with his fingers and pressed it into my mouth but I didn’t chew. I just sat….letting it sit in my mouth.

  He stood, growing annoyed. If you insist I can arrange for other methods. He went over to a drawer and pulled something out. I looked to see a tube. He grabbed a basin with some thick liquid in it. “But trust me, you won’t like it,”

  Again he’d planned for everything. I chewed slowly, my jaw feeling sore. Somehow I managed to swallow. I parted my lips, showing my mouth was empty. He smiled and sat back down, “Now...try my eggs,”

  Chapter Seventeen

  After he fed me I rested. He offered to read me a book but I didn’t respond. He began to read it but I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t doing much of anything. When I fell asleep again I didn’t dream. I just floated in darkness. I wanted to return to the field. I wanted to see the man again. To see anyone besides Lynn. When I woke again he was there. He was always there.

  He fed me again and helped me to use the bathroom. I don’t know how much time had passed. I felt sore and stiff. When I didn’t move fast enough he carried me to the toilet. It, along with a bathtub, was in the main room. It was in the corner and had a wall of privacy glass. I was hoping he’d stay behind it and let me pee in peace. That for a moment I might not see him.

  Yet he didn’t leave my side. When I wiped I saw blood. It looked like I was on my period. He attempted to assure me that all virgins bled for a day or two after. I didn’t respond. I tried my best not to interact with him any more than I had to. When I was finished I went back to bed and that was pretty much how things were.

  I rested, ate, and used the restroom. The days slipped into each other one after another. At least I think time was passing. There were no windows or clocks in the cabin. The lights were either on or off. The fireplace was either going or it wasn’t. I mostly just stared off into space.

  After a bit he started to give me less of whatever he was giving me. I could feel pain again but felt like walking around more. He allowed me to move and pace my body sore. Slowly my emotions returned to me as he weaned me off the drugs more and more. I felt sorry for myself, crying a lot. I grew depressed and then my fear returned. I was afraid he was going to hurt me again. I knew he was going to hurt me again.

  He mostly read books, exercised, or did chores, but there were times when he looked at me...and I knew he wanted me. He’d get touchy, rubbing his hands over me. It made me sick and I’d pull away. I was afraid he’d just force me again but he wanted me to heal. He promised next time he’d do it proper...take his time and make me feel good. There was nothing he could do to ever….ever make me feel good.

  He started to masturbate in front of me. I suppose I should have been grateful he wasn't doing it to me but I was disgusted. He’d stare at me and stroke himself. He attempted to get me to help but I refused. He’d try to get me to look at it, to touch it, but I’d close my eyes and let my hands go limp.

  He grew frustrated but would continue without me. He’d cum on me...my face...my chest, my stomach. One time he had me spread my legs…I refused and he had to tie me down. I was afraid he was going to rape me again. I pathetically reminded him of the promise he’d made me. That I wasn’t healed. That this wasn’t proper. He laughed but assured me he wasn’t going to fuck me.

  He came between my lips, letting it squirt all over me. He told me I needed to get used to it. That in time my pussy would learn to love his cum and crave it. He was twisted and delusional...but I feared the passing of each day. I feared my body healing.

  The swelling in my eye started to go down and eventually I was able to see out of it, though it was blurry and blotchy. I was worried it might be infected. I didn’t know if I should wait or ask him about it. I didn’t think he’d take me to a hospital.

  **********

  One day I woke and he promised to take me outside if I touched his penis. If I just wrapped my hand gently around it he’d let me go outside. I don’t know how long I’d been in here with him but I longed for the outside. The feel of the wind on my skin. To know there was a night and a day.

  I did it. I closed my eyes and let him take my hand. He guided me to his penis and I wrapped my fingers around it. It felt bigger than my hand, long and thick. It made me shudder to think it had been inside me...that he wanted to put it inside me again.

  I pulled my hand away and held it to my chest, trembling. I didn’t know if it was worth it now. If he would keep his promise. I heard him masturbating but he didn’t cum on me. I opened my eyes as he was cleaning himself up. He got dressed and took out some of the clothes he’d stolen from me earlier.

  It was nice wearing my
shirt and my jeans but at the same time it made me cry knowing the last time I’d worn them I was safe and at home. Would I ever go home again? Would I ever feel safe again?

  He gave me some shoes to wear. They were thin and flimsy. I had a feeling they would break if I ran in them or fall apart if I wore them too long. He took out some handcuffs and I wondered what he was going to do with them. Was he going to keep me locked up outside? He put one cuff on his wrist and the other one on me.

  He told me he didn’t want me to get lost. I could only be so lucky. We approached the door and he put the code in before I realized I should have paid attention. I was just so happy to get to go outside. To leave this place if only for a few precious minutes. The door made a sound, the most beautiful sound in the world, as it unlocked.

  I licked my lips as light, natural sunlight, blinded my eyes. We stepped outside and I could feel the wind against my skin, smell the fresh air. I cried. I was so happy to be outside I cried. I thought he’d only give me a few minutes and that we’d only go so far but we went for a walk. We took a path down to the beach. I took my shoes off when we got to the sand and it felt so good on my feet.

  He let us walk nearly up to the water before we sat down. I looked out as far as I could see and listened to the waves. I was reminded of my dream. How real it had felt...How real the man had seemed.

  “What are you thinking about,” asked Lynn, running his hand up and down my back. It made me feel cold but I didn’t flinch. I guess I was getting used to it.

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “Tell me,” he said, “And we can stay out here longer,”

  “My dreams,” I said, wanting to stay out here as long as possible.