Valmiki's Daughter

by Shani Mootoo

  At last Anick had new, albeit partial, answers. She said, “Everybody think the French, they so enlightened. They think French and enlightenment go together. But that is so simple, no? The French, especially outside of the city, they like everybody else. My parents, they are the same. French does not equal enlightenment, Vik. It does not mean freedom. Get that into your head. It would be easier for my parents if I marry a man from Morocco, Algeria, or from Senegal or Trinidad, than if I choose to live with a woman.”

  The people in town she had met, she continued, Nayan’s friends, most of the people in Luminada Heights, were too conservative. You had to conform to old-fashioned ways and attitudes so as not to make them uncomfortable. She felt as if she were an exotic animal in a cage, her every action watched and commented on all the time. And there was that constant, petty competitiveness among Nayan’s and Ram’s and Minty’s friends. People were always struggling to match up, trying to impress. The place had strangled her and therefore was more dangerous for her than the forest. Even so, she had come to love the land of the island, the food, aspects of the culture, the climate of Trinidad. She didn’t know how to begin the process of leaving the Prakash family. And if she were to leave, how would she manage? Where would she go?

  There were answers to these last, Viveka knew, but she also knew that she herself could not help Anick to leave Nayan or San Fernando or Trinidad. If she did, neither of them would be able to find anyone in their regular circles who would help them. It would cause a public scandal, and there would be the very real threat of physical harm being done to both of them. It would be the scandal of the century. She had to stop asking these questions of Anick.

  “Your English isn’t that bad, Anick. You can win an argument if you want.”

  “When I talk with you is not bad. But I can’t even think when Nayan start to argue with me. Vik, you know if he find out . . .”

  Viveka didn’t need to hear the end of that unfinished sentence.

  In any case, the anniversary luncheon would happen.

  RAM AND MINTY HAD THE FOOD CATERED. THERE WERE MINI DOUBLES for appetizers, pholourie balls and sahinas with mango anchar dips and tamarind. They hired a barman who was kept busy mixing rum drinks, and gin and vodka martinis. Champagne and red and white wine were served.

  It was as if everyone of note in the upper echelons of San Fernando society had moved themselves, intact, to Rio Claro for the day. It was an older crowd, full of Ram’s and Minty’s friends. Even Nayan’s close friend Bally and his wife Shanti had not been invited. Nasser and Cynthia Khan, who owned Khan’s Clothing and Household, were there. And Tessa and Sam Bisessar, who owned Imperial Furniture and Rug Emporium. Several other business acquaintances from San Fernando were there, and some of the Prakashs’ Luminada neighbours. They all brought to the country, to the forest’s edge, their town finery. Gold dangled from the ears and necks of the meagre women, and their wrists held bangles, the jewellery studded not so discreetly with diamonds and sapphires and rubies. Talk of karats and sizes, hands held up and fingers splayed to display all, was had and got out of the way early. There were dresses in fine linen, and pant-suits in silk. And all the women wore open-toed, high-heeled, patent leather sandals. The men were more casually dressed. Several wore light slacks and all wore white shirts, as if in uniform, and very shiny dress shoes. Their large gold Rolexes and Pateks glistened against their dark, hairy wrists, and strong scents of the latest, most expensive colognes did good battle with the catered food and with the cacao roasting in neighbouring properties.

  Nayan kept the music going, a mix of steel-pan orchestral works and a solo electronic keyboardist much loved by this older crowd. The music was played just loud enough for its melodies to be heard and a little sway encouraged in the hips of the guests. Amidst laughter and excited chatter, the clink of ice could be heard as glasses were shaken to mix the melting ice with the ingredients of the beverage. Anick asked around if anyone wanted to see the land, but Nayan laughed, and the guests chuckled. They looked at themselves and at each other and remarked that no one had brought a change of clothing.

  Viveka, keeping herself in the background, marvelled at this — and at how her own fear had disappeared. Had no one thought they might take a walk into this tame forest?

  Valmiki and Devika stood chatting on the veranda with other guests. Valmiki kept his back to the forest, nervous that if he were to look at it, his manner of looking might expose him. He prayed that the man who in a different forest some time ago had witnessed him raise his gun to a wet and shivering dog had not identified him, had not spoken of him to anyone. In a place so small it was likely that someone other than his immediate hunting group knew of his leanings. It had been a cowardly and bullying thing to do — to think he could shoot that dog — but it had happened in an isolated moment borne of the craziness of feeling out of control in his own life. But who here at this party, he wondered, would stay long enough to hear this explanation, to try and understand what he had gone through all of his life just so that he did not rattle the security, comfort, and knowledge of all who were at this very gathering, and the rest of Trinidad’s “big society”? He put his hand on Devika’s waist. She shifted, looked down at his hand and then, questioningly, up at him. He ignored her surprise, kept his hand lightly on her waist and continued to engage the conversation of the man before them.

  Viveka had been to Anick and Nayan’s house several times now, and there was always amicability between her and Nayan. Anick usually assured her, and Viveka hoped it was true, that Nayan didn’t suspect anything about what was going on between the two of them. But he didn’t pay Viveka much attention at the party. He hardly seemed to notice her. She imagined that this was a function of familiarity, as she had recently been so present in their house.

  Nayan and Anick, meanwhile, were easy enough with one another, but Viveka noticed that they never touched, not even in passing. When together speaking with guests, they stood apart. Viveka was curious about this but it pleased her too, especially since whenever Anick passed her on the veranda she brushed Viveka with her arm, whispering delightful teasings.

  “You look delicious. I want to devour you.”

  “Hmm, maybe you find other women here attractive?”

  “You remember what you do to me last time? I am thinking of this now.”

  As the main meal of curried goat, roti, curried pumpkin, dhal, channa, curried mango and rice was being spread out by servers on the table, Anick brought a morsel of the pumpkin and roti on a side plate especially for Viveka to taste. This did not go entirely unnoticed. More than one guest called out, “So how come she is getting special treatment? Are you going to bring me a little plate too?” As much as Viveka was flattered, she cringed just a little.

  Viveka stood aloof and apart from the other guests, a rum and Coke turning watery in her hand. She looked out in the direction of the cabin, imagining the forest flora there, its jade and umbers like a lifeline she tried to hook with her eyes. When she was spoken to she was amicable enough, but she encouraged no lengthy conversation and maneuvered herself away. It frustrated her that the second question every guest asked her, after how she was, was where was Vashti. It made her feel as if the others saw her as a child. That used to be alright, feeling like a child, even at twenty years of age, all because she still lived at home. But having fallen in love, having made love with Anick, she no longer felt like a child.

  When Anick finally came up to chat, they strolled out of earshot, turned their backs to everyone and faced the forest greenery. Viveka held her body awkwardly, stiffly, as if one foot was ready to bolt and the other to accompany Anick wherever she went.

  None of this went unnoticed by Devika nor by Valmiki. When Anick returned to her guests, Valmiki watched Devika walk over to Viveka, who was now leaning against the veranda wall and looking in at the party like a critical voyeur.

  “Why are you just standing around like a coonoomoonoo? Can’t you go and talk to people?”

&n
bsp; “I’m not a coonoomoonoo, Mom. You know I am not comfortable at these kinds of things.”

  “Well, why did you come then?”

  “What! This is different. Anick is my friend.”

  “And Nayan. Remember that. And you’re damn right, this is different.”

  “What do you mean? Of course Nayan is my friend. I know that.”

  “Then you better watch yourself.”

  Viveka straightened herself. “What do you mean by that?”

  “You know exactly what I mean by that. You better watch yourself.”

  Devika’s mother’s face was severe and she was shaking with restrained anger. She turned and walked back to where she had been sitting.

  After the main meal, the buffet table in the dining room was cleared and a cake brought out and placed onto it. It was much like a wedding cake, but a chocolate one covered in white icing, and there were two little plastic people on top — a male and female couple holding hands. A waiter was about to cut it when one of the guests caused a ruckus, saying, No, no no, it should be cut like a wedding cake. A cheer went up and although Nayan and Anick protested, they in the end obliged. Everyone gathered around the table as the barman and server stepped up to the occasion with quickly passed glasses of champagne.

  Viveka entered the living room area but she hung well back, a glass of champagne in her hand, if not for toasting at least for a show of civility.

  As the guests grinned and some of them heckled, Nayan cut the cake and offered a forkful of it to Anick. She, in turn, was immensely shy and awkward, but encouraged by several of the women to reciprocate, she too cut a piece and made to offer it to Nayan. It fell off the fork, and the two of them scrambled in vain to catch it. Anick tried again, Nayan cupping her hand throughout to steady it. There was laughter and teasing, but it was done. The guests were not satisfied; they tapped their glasses with cutlery and called out, “Kiss, kiss, kiss!” Nayan giggled like a teenager. He embraced Anick and planted an awkward kiss on her lips.

  There were calls for a speech from Nayan, and so he thanked his parents for the party, the guests for coming such a distance “into the bush,” and Anick for putting up with him for the past two years. Then he turned to Anick and said, “Shall we tell them?”

  Anick’s face fell noticeably. She swiftly pulled Nayan close and turned away from the guests. The two of them now faced Viveka, and she could just make out Anick’s sharp voice: “Nayan! We agree not today. Why you ask me this?”

  He put his hand up to the waiting guests, turned and winked at them, grinning with confidence, and then turned back to Anick. He whispered, “Come on, honey. This is the best time.”

  She hissed, “But we agree last night, and you promise again this morning.”

  “Look, we’re having a big celebration and I want to tell everyone now. I don’t understand why you want to keep this a secret.”

  In a controlled whisper, she held firm. “Fuck you, Nayan. You always get what you want. I won’t fight with you in public. Do what you want. You don’t care about me. I am not going to forget this.”

  He laughed. “Yes, I do get what I want,” he said, and he turned around. Anick turned too, her face red.

  Nayan looped his arm around Anick’s shoulder, pulled her reluctant body close and announced, “We have good news.”

  Before he could finish there were cheers, shouts of “Yes!” and low impressed moans of “No!” Glasses were raised in the air. Minty and Ram hugged the two of them. Finally the happy noise subsided and Nayan resumed. “The baby will be born in April.”

  As Devika made her way with the other guests to congratulate the couple, Valmiki headed forward too, glancing over at his daughter.

  Viveka was pale. She looked as if she would faint.

  Valmiki retreated quickly toward her. He took her glass and draped an arm around her shoulders. He turned her away from the revelling, congratulatory crowd and ushered her to the veranda. “It’s hot in there, eh? Stay out here with me.”

  Viveka was trembling.

  Valmiki whispered, “Catch your breath, Vik, stay calm and catch your breath.”

  Viveka couldn’t help herself. She covered her face with both hands. Tears welled fast.

  They faced the forest. Valmiki could imagine its interior. The scent of the earth, dying flora, rejuvenating soil, and Saul. Beautiful, handsome Saul. The sweat on his back, salty, yet so sweet on the tongue. He hadn’t seen Saul in several weeks. The more time Viveka spent with Anick, the more he had avoided Saul.

  “This is a happy moment, Vik. Don’t spoil it for Anick. She is your best friend, isn’t she? She’d want you to be happy for them. Come on, get yourself together. Let’s go back inside.”

  “No, I can’t, Dad. I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  “It’s the heat. I’m sure it is. Shall I get you some water?”

  Viveka thought her father an idiot. He imagined he knew her so well, but he knew nothing about her. If only he knew how she felt, as if she couldn’t breathe, as if she had lost control of her bones, as if she were about to fall down right there and die.

  Valmiki, for his part, was suddenly determined. He would put an end to his relationship with Saul. He would make do with Devika, whom he had robbed of a fuller life. He would try to give her some morsel of happiness by being more present for her. Perhaps, he reasoned, the universe would then be kinder and in some miraculous turnabout allow his daughter the freedom to love in any way she wanted, and in so doing spare her the double life he was forced to live. Otherwise there were so many casualties in these pretenses. Devika certainly, but Nayan and Mrs. Joseph too, as well as Anick, Saul, and, of course, himself. He did not want this for his daughter. He would make a deal with the universe and call Saul tomorrow. Meet him at The Golden Dragon. This time they would not take lunch in a room at The Victory, they would remain in the restaurant. He would end it over a nice meal. He would call his lawyer — he would have to make up some plausible story, but he was up to it — and he would sign over the house on Fellowship Land to Saul, the house that Saul’s wife, in any case, thought Saul had bought. It was the least he could do for Saul. And that would be that: He would never see Saul again. Even if this meant he would spend the rest of his life without air in his chest, that he would slowly shrivel and die of loneliness, there was no sacrifice too great for this daughter.

  “Look here, Vik, think about yourself. This is a small place. It is not a kind place. Get yourself together right away. Don’t do this to yourself, honey. Please.”

  He wanted to tell her to leave this place, to go far away, but he held himself back. She had always been a strong child, stronger than he had ever been. She would do what she had to do. He knew this about her. He only hoped that in this instance she would do the right thing. He could not lift and carry her. He could not set her down on the correct stepping stones, but he could nudge her like a herding dog. The actual steps would have to be hers. “This place is too small for you,” he said. “Take a deep breath, and leave this behind. There is so much more waiting for you elsewhere. So much, you can’t imagine.”

  Viveka looked at her father, and seeing a strange, urgent, almost pained understanding in his eyes, she quickly averted hers, wondering if, after all, he knew something of what was going on inside of her. She pulled away from him, and stepped forward. Could she take the car, go home on her own? Perhaps he and Devika could catch a ride home with one of the other guests? To her surprise, Valmiki pulled his bunch of keys from his pocket rather quickly and handed it to her. He grabbed her by her shoulders, squeezed them and put his lips to the top of her head. There was so much he wanted to say to her.

  “I love you, darling.”

  The words were whispered, but she heard them.

  Anick and Viveka

  ANICK CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF VIVEKA AS SHE WENT DOWN THE veranda’s stairs and out of the house. She pushed her way through the guests, excusing herself. But just as she reached the veranda, Valmiki caugh
t her. He held Anick by her shoulders and said, “She’s going home. Let her go. She isn’t feeling well.”

  Anick’s face crumpled. Valmiki gripped her hard. “Stop it, Anick. Don’t make a scene. You can call her later. Nayan’s coming; get hold of yourself.”

  But Anick broke away from Valmiki and ran down the stairs. Valmiki let her go; as she glanced back, Anick could see that he had caught Nayan and was congratulating him, saying with studied lightness that Viveka had been complaining about a headache and nausea all morning. He and Devika had told her not to come but she had insisted, and now she had a temperature. Anick had gone to tell her goodbye. Valmiki’s voice carried on, asking Nayan how the visits to the obstetrician were going. And fortunately, before Valmiki’s attempts to hold Nayan back could become too obvious, Nayan was called back into the dining room to regale the guests with stories of his hopes and dreams for the child that was to be born.

  The Krishnus’ car was parked among a long line of guest cars out on the road some distance, but still visible, from the house. Viveka was already in the driver’s seat trying to back the car out of a tight spot when Anick approached. She rolled the window down. Silently, tears ran down Anick’s face.

  Finally Viveka spoke. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.”

  “I only found out yesterday, and I couldn’t tell you on the phone or here today. I wanted to tell you first.”

  The pregnancy was an answer to all the questions welling in Viveka’s head. There was no need to ask them. She was too stunned to feel anything more than confusion. She stared in the direction of the house as she spoke. “I guess I am really stupid. I hadn’t realized that you two still slept together. I am an absolute idiot.”

  Anick was silent.