Prior to bullets flying in 1861, the government attempted to defuse the conflict over slavery throughout the Union by allowing each incoming state to vote on whether to operate as a slave state, a free state, or as a Michael Jackson-influenced State of Shock. This half-assed attempt to encourage peace was known as the Compromise of 1850. Different from “marital compromise,” this one didn't involve going without sex for long periods of time or scheduling erections for Tuesdays and Saturdays only. By not mandating a federal position on slavery and allowing each state to vote individually on whether it would act as a slave state or a free state, it was reasoned that each state would be content, and future issues would be eased. The reality was that Lincoln was buying time, waiting for his new recruits to graduate from his “Free the Black Man” military camps.
With tensions boiling, South Carolina reacted to Lincoln's objections to slavery by announcing its intent to secede from the Union. Quickly Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas followed suit. The “New South” was named the Confederacy. Jefferson Davis was named the president of the Confederacy and thereby automatically elevated to sacred status for generations of Southern kids who like to play with bed sheets, crosses, and fire.
On April 12, 1861, Davis's troops fired the first shots in Fort Sumter, South Carolina. Immediately, Arkansas, North Carolina, Virginia, and Tennessee joined the Confederacy, and the war was on! With an immense amount of passion for Jack Daniels, NASCAR, and chewing tobacco, the Confederacy took a significant advantage at the start of the war. The South used its veteran leadership to score victories at the Battle of Bull Run, the Second Battle of Bull Run, Fredericksburg, and Chancellorsville, but LIKE AN EIGHTY-YEAR-OLD IN THE SACK, THE SOUTH JUST COULDN'T QUITE FINISH OFF WHAT THEY HAD STARTED.
Gettysburg, Where's That?
On July 1, 1863, Lee invaded Pennsylvania. Before coming into contact with Northern soldiers, Lee let his men overrun some Amish settlements as a confidence-builder. With the Amish vanquished, the Southern troops marched on. Northern forces met General Lee and his men for a battle at the now-famous Pennsylvania town of Gettysburg. Gettysburg was pivotal to the outcome of the war, as it was speculated that if the North had lost at Gettysburg, it would have negotiated a compromise allowing the Southern states to form their own separate country.
At the time, the British were making plans to jump into the war and assist the South, but being the frontrunners they are, they canceled those plans after the South's defeat at Gettysburg. The French also considered a similar strategy, but ran scared after reports of the beating the South endured at Gettysburg. Instead the French sent Le Coq Sportif gear and replica Eiffel towers to inspire the Southern boys. Is it any wonder why so many people hate the French?
The South Surrenders, Reconstruction Begins
On April 2, 1865, the Southern capital of Richmond fell to General Grant. One week later, with a new fondness and appreciation for the black man, General Lee surrendered to General Grant at the Appomattox Court House. This action effectively ended the Civil War. All told, more than 600,000 Americans died during the War Between the States, by far the deadliest war in American history. Following the end of the war there was only one thing to do: rebuild.
In President Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address, he promised to “bind the nation's wounds.” His philosophy was to restore the Union fully, and bear no grudge toward the Southern states. However, Lincoln never got a chance to heal the wounds of the young nation. Former Confederate and “oral is sex” supporter John Wilkes Booth assassinated him on April 14, 1865.
If you are unsure of which side you would have joined had you been alive during the Civil War, or if you are from one of those pesky border states, we have compiled a self-scoring exam to help you determine if you belong on the side of the North or the South. If you correctly score yourself on this page, you are ready to go ahead and attempt to score with others.
TRUE OR FALSE:
I truly believe the South won the Civil War, and will rise again.
I think prisons are built as affordable housing for black men.
I'm friends with a black guy who makes more money than I do and I'm okay with it.
Men only: I often wear overalls without a shirt underneath.
I know where to buy fitted white bed sheets with holes in them for my arms.
My ancestors and I consider other human beings who differed from us in any way to be property.
I think Rodney King got what he deserved.
I think Ron Goldman's wounds were self-inflicted.
The black women I would consider having a relationship with extends beyond Halle Berry.
Anytime I donate to the World Wildlife Fund I ask that my donation be returned if any of it gets earmarked to save the Black Panther.
I truly enjoy watching cars make left turns. I also consider these turn-lefters “athletes.”
I drink whiskey named “Rebel Yell.”
I fit into the stereotypes for both the common redneck, and his lesser known cousin, the Florida redneck.
I had no problem with Mr. Drummond's decision to take in Arnold and Willis in spite of the fact they were two black kids and he was a single white father living in Manhattan.
I tell the neighborhood kids that thunder occurs when God tells black people to move their furniture to their own side of heaven.
If you answered “true” to 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, or 15, you would call the South home-sweet-home.
If you answered “true” to 3, 9, or 14, you are a Northerner.
If you answered “true” to 7 or 8, you're likely unable to perform day-to-day activities on your own, including feeding and clothing yourself, and are a drain on the system.
If you are answered “true” to both Northern and Southern traits, immediately move yourself to purgatory-on-Earth, otherwise known as Eastern Kentucky.
1865 THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT
Allows fraternity-like hazing techniques that include the naked human pyramid
Viewing Slavery Through Green-Tinted Glasses
Much to the dismay of Southern economists, Abraham Lincoln saw his dream of former slaves running free in the streets across America come true with the passage of the Thirteenth Amendment. Proponents of abolishing slavery focused solely on the humanitarian side of slavery. They argued that slavery was archaic and abusive and served no purpose in the land of opportunity. On the other hand, those who lived in the South and were white realized that slavery was a luxury that most of them didn't want to live without. Slaves were like eager chore-completing children, only older and more productive. One black man could do the work of twelve children at a fraction of the cost.
Free at Last, Free at Last
Issued at the ass end of the Civil War, Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation had set most work-for-free blacks out on their own, unprepared to pursue a life of liberty. Slavery however, remained legal in the five states of New Jersey, Maryland, Missouri, Kentucky, and Delaware. The governor of Kentucky had refused to set the slaves of his state free in an effort to protect them from black-on-black crime. He believed he was doing blacks a favor by keeping them employed by their white owners and protecting them from each other.
Despite the Kentucky governor's best effort, the amendment to abolish slavery was ratified on December 6, 1865, leaving state legislators scrambling to build larger prisons. A poorly timed hunting expedition to Africa by the local KKK Chapter allowed Georgia to be the twenty-seventh state to pass the proposed amendment, giving Lincoln the required number of states he needed to set all black people free. The Cliff Notes to the Thirteenth Amendment reads:
Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction
Loose Interpretation
During the second term of George W. Bush's presidency, former attorney general and torture supporter Alberto Gonzales authored an
other one of his not-for-your-eyes memos informing the office of the president it was authorized to interpret the portion of the Thirteenth Amendment that states “any place subject to their jurisdiction” to apply to all fifty states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, as well as Afghanistan and Iraq.
WITH A LACK OF SLAVERY FOUND IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ, VICE PRESIDENT/PRESIDENT CHENEY ASKED GONZALES IF THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT COULD ALSO BE INTERPRETED TO INCLUDE THE RIGHT TO USE COERCIVE INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES. Upon review, the White House's legal yes man Gonzales told Cheney that his interpretation of the Thirteenth Amendment allows fraternity-like hazing techniques that include sleep deprivation, loud noises, and naked human pyramids.
Racism Is Like Losing Weight
The passing of the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865 may have abolished slavery, but it didn't cure the racial problems in America. The open-minded free thinkers in the Mississippi legislature did not ratify the amendment until 1995, 130 years after it was initially passed. Those crazy white Baptists even repealed Prohibition in 1965, thirty years after the rest of the country. NEEDLESS TO SAY, RACIAL HATRED IS LIKE THE LAST FEW POUNDS YOU PUT ON DURING COLLEGE: THE HARDEST TO GET RID OF.
1865 ASSASSINATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN
All pimped out in a Christian Dior white dress shirt, tuxedo jacket, and black top hat in preparation for the theatre
Friday Night and the Feeling's Right
Friday night is traditionally date night at the White House, and April 14, 1865, was no different. President Honest Abe Lincoln got all pimped out in a Christian Dior white dress shirt, tuxedo jacket, and black top hat in preparation for taking his wife, Mary Todd, out to see the hit comedy Our America playing at the downtown Ford's Theatre in Washington, D.C. Ever since Lincoln was sworn in as president, he had used these types of opportunities to win favor with his wife in the hopes of getting some late-night action without having to pull out the “I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have colonial missionary-style sex with you” card.
WITH SEX WITH HIS NIMBLE MARY ON THE LINE AND THE LONG AND DEADLY CIVIL WAR AT ITS END, LINCOLN WAS SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS THAT FRIDAY AFTERNOON. He was preaching for loving, one-on-one husband-and-wife relationships filled with foreplay-rich sex, along with reconciliation with the defeated slave-owning states of the South.
The Play was Murdered by the Critics
Later that evening, Abe and Mary Todd arrived at the theatre with their invited guests, Major Henry Rathbone and his young and sexy bride-to-be, Clara Harris. Abe had decided earlier in the week that if Mary Todd refuted his advancements he would pull the “I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have dirty extramarital colonial missionary-style sex with you” card on the young and attractive Harris.
The president, his not always accommodating wife, the major, and his fiancée were sitting in a private box above the theatre stage that night. Just as one of the actors on stage was delivering the hi-fucking-larious line of “Wal, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologizing old mantrap,” John Wilkes Booth shot President Abraham Lincoln. With all the hysterical laughter going on throughout the theatre, Lincoln's posse did not realize that the man who was about to give black America their freedom was bleeding to death.
Once the laughter subsided, the major looked over at Lincoln and realized he was suffering from what appeared to be a non-self-inflicted gunshot wound. This assessment was further solidified when he noticed the menacing JWB standing in the private box. AFTER PROPER INTRODUCTIONS AND AN EXCHANGE OF E-MAIL ADDRESSES, JWB JUMPED OUT OF THE BOX, CATCHING THE RIGHT SPUR OF HIS BOOT ON A FLAG. As gravity took over, he dropped to the stage floor, breaking his left leg and shattering his New Year's resolution to exercise more.
Before limping off the stage, JWB flashed his weapon of choice and hollered out the state of Virginia's motto “Sic semper tyrannis!” meaning “thus ever unto tyrants.” Booth did not stick around to see if his words were favorably received or not. Instead, he quietly slipped out the back door and mounted his getaway horse.
Sic Semper to Self-Important Actors, Asshole
With the president in bad shape, he was quickly removed from the theatre and taken to a boarding house across the street. The next morning, the gunshot wound proved to be fatal, and the sixteenth president of the United States was pronounced dead. With Lincoln dead and the assassin on the loose, John Walsh of America's Most Wanted announced a $50,000 bounty on the head of JWB. In addition to the manhunt, friends, relatives, acquaintances, and struggling actors who might have known JWB were all arrested and thrown into Abu Ghraib where they were forced to don dog leashes for the entertainment of the guards.
Twelve days later, on his twenty-seventh birthday, JWB was sold out by a snitch within the Union Army. After expressing his lack of interest in surrendering, JWB was shot dead by an army soldier.
1867 SEWARD'S FOLLY: THE ALASKAN PURCHASE
Purchased for $7.2 million, two pairs of jeans, and a signed Marilyn Monroe poster
Alaska: The Polar Bear Garden
Originally, the United States thought they had won the frozen, snow-covered land that topographers now refer to as Alaska in a late-night poker game. Secretary of State William Seward had bet all of the land the Native Americans had left on a second pair with top kicker. Screw it — it wasn't his land. He reasoned if he lost, he could trade for it from the Indians for a few feather necklaces and some fancy beads.
Surprisingly, the Russian Foreign Minister to the United States, Louis Baydalal, welshed on the bet and instead offered Seward one mail-order bride. Shortly after Natasha was delivered, Baydalal came clean with Seward, telling him in 1867 that Russia was low on rubles and they needed to sell the 586,412 square miles of ice. Fortunately for the desperate Russians, Seward was an excitable expansionist and blood rushed to his groin at the thought of the United States acquiring more territory, regardless of its harsh climate and distance from the contiguous states.
Focused on ensuring that the British did not acquire the land, the Russians were prepared to accept nearly any deal the United States offered. Capitalizing on Seward's shrewd negotiating skills, the United States purchased the land for $7.2 million, two pairs of jeans, and a signed Marilyn Monroe poster for the Russian Emperor Alexander II. All in all, the nearly 600,000 square-mile polar bear playground was acquired for approximately 1.9 cents an acre.
At first, the general public gave Seward props for the purchase. War-weary Americans were supportive anytime they could acquire more land without the hassle of burying the dead from another armed conflict. This sentiment, however, was not shared with everyone in the media. Some newspaper editors criticized the purchase as being a huge mistake, believing that the land was not worth taking, even if the Russians were giving it away. Several newspapers led with satirical headlines like “Seward's Folly” and “Seward's Icebox.”
Alaska's Bosom Is Stacked with Natural Resources
Seward's critics were short lived, as a little more than three decades later, large quantities of gold were found in Alaska. This discovery made the purchase price easier to swallow, and not spit as Seward was praised for his foresight. To the disappointment of our Arab oil brokers, today Alaska produces about 20 percent of the nation's oil, with vast untapped oil reserves remaining off limits within a wildlife refuge.
Most importantly, Alaska gave 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin the foreign policy experience necessary to be president. As Palin pointed out, she governed a state that is only a short distance from Russia. WITH ONLY SIXTEEN MILES SEPARATING THE TWO COUNTRIES' NEAREST POINTS, WHEN PUTIN VISITS THE AREA AND THE SUN SHINES JUST RIGHT, SHE CAN SEE THE WHITES OF PRESIDENT DMITRY MEDVEDEV'S PUPPET MASTERS EYES. “Tell me if Senator Joe Biden can do that from his perch in Delaware,” she often boastfully asked during campaign stops.
Luckily for Putin, Palin and the Republicans lost the 2008 election, ensuring that when he and hi
s comrades visit the popular sixteen miles of separation, they can continue to take bets on whether Palin has Cs or Ds hidden under her hunting vest.
1867 THE IMPEACHMENT OF ANDREW JOHNSON
His inability to work well with others in the congressional sandbox directly led to his impeachment trial
Lucky Number 17
Around the White House, President Abraham Lincoln could often be heard mumbling, “guns don't kill people, people kill people.” And on April 14, 1865, it wasn't the bullet that left Lincoln dead, it was the triggerman John Wilkes Booth that ended the life of the sitting president, effectively handing the job of commander in chief to the even less attractive, less qualified, and less popular vice president, Mr. Andrew Johnson from the volunteer state of Tennessee.
FOLLOWING LINCOLN'S DEATH, JOHNSON WAS QUICKLY INSTALLED AS THE SEVENTEENTH AND LEAST SEXY PRESIDENT OF THE LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE. His loud and obnoxious nature made him widely unpopular in all political circles, including the ones within his own home. Using his inability to win friends and influence people against himself, Johnson found his ability to govern effectively to be satisfyingly difficult.
The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Page 8