I got myself back under control and headed back to Seattle until I pulled into a motel. I needed to think.
Chapter 10 – Frantic
It had been two days now and not a word from Reese. Oh God. What did I do? First Marcie then Reese. I'm poison.
Today was the day... my fucking birthday... the day of her accident.
I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, I hated the pretty blonde I saw there. I cut the heavily scarred area on my hip again with the razor blade where I could hide it with my panties or bikini bottoms. I cut deeper this time. The pain wasn't helping. But it always helped, the past nine years, the pain helped me feel. After what I did. She's in that chair because of me.
God, I'm drunk.
I heard the pounding on the apartment door again with a girl's voice calling out. That Sarah girl, again. Then a man's voice. Must be the landlord. Then Sarah was in the apartment calling Reese's name... Marcie's name... my name... she swung the door to the bathroom open. I stared at her in shock.
She stared at me with a look of horror and... compassion? “Oh Gwen,” she whispered and was taking the blade out of my hand and wetting a washcloth and holding it against my hip as she hugged me. Why is she hugging me? I fucked everything up like I always do. I don't know what made me do it but I sobbed into her shoulder.
She led me into my bedroom and sat me on my bed and let me cry myself out. She never stopped holding me. When I finally composed myself a bit, she checked my hip then put some clothes on my naked form as I just sat there and let her. She whispered, “I'll be right back.” I watched her as she left the room. I could hear her rummaging around in the bathroom.
She returned with a large bandage and pulled down the waistband of the shorts she put me in and applied the bandage to the fresh cut. “How long have you been doing this?”
I shrugged. I didn't care who knew anymore. “Since I got Reese's mom killed and her put in that fucking chair.”
She hugged me again. Then she pulled me up by my hands and dragged me to the living room then told me. “Let's get you sobered up. Where's Reese? She hasn't answered any of my calls or emails since Sunday. And none of you have answered your door either. I'm worried sick.”
She moved to the kitchen and started some coffee. She pulled my trick of letting it pour directly into a mug before she put the pot on the burner. Then she came back over and sat next to me, handing me the coffee then stroking my hair. She looked at me expectantly as I sipped at it. “So?”
I shrugged again. “I don't know. She... found out. Marcie must have talked to her. She left. I haven't been able to find her. She looked... lost... broken.”
She nodded. “I called after you came to my place and... threatened me. After I said that you had visited me she... hung up. I haven't been able to reach her since.”
I closed my eyes and squeezed out another tear. “See? It was all me. I'm poison.”
She gave me a cross look. “Stop that. Speak plainly.” She just kept stroking my hair. Calming me. She has a good head on her shoulders, I can see why Reese likes her so much.
I took a big gulp of coffee, then sighed. “After I went to your place and umm... “
She grinned and finished for me. “Threatened to break my legs and my skull if I ever hurt her... what were the words? You'd 'end' me?” she prompted.
I nodded sheepishly and took another gulp. “Yeah... well after that. When I got home. She looked so broken. I knew that she knew everything somehow. She asked me why... I couldn't face her. I hid in here and that's the last I saw of her.”
She grabbed her cell and said, “I'm calling the police.”
I just shook my head. “I already did. They said that because she is an adult and unless we thought she was in danger, they couldn't do anything. I even pulled the damn handicapped card.”
She looked so distraught as she started pacing... did she really care for Reese? Then she asked, “Would she go to anyone? Would anyone know where she is?”
I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cease to exist. I had asked myself the same question and I had the same answer, “You...”
She stopped pacing, she looked into my eyes like she was reading all my feelings, my thoughts. “Nobody else?”
I shrugged, drinking more coffee. I needed to sober up if I were going to help Sarah find Reese. “Marcie? Crystal?”
Her eyes glimmered with hope. “Call them!”
I shook my head, “Marcie would never talk to me again. I have Crystal's number on my iPad but it is in my car.” I stood and walked to Reese's desk and looked at my keys in the coffee can there. I walked from side to side, trying to figure out how to get them out. But I can't reach in... I've been drinking... it's the rule.
“Go get it. Give me Marcie's number, I'll call her.” She prompted me.
I looked at her, didn't she understand? “I... I can't. My keys are in there. I... I can't take them out. It's the rule...”
She looked at me oddly... why didn't she understand? She stood and tilted her head as she squinted, like she was trying to read me. “Why not?”
I looked at her like she was stupid for asking. It was obvious. “I... I've been drinking. It is Reese's rule. I can't touch them.”
She put a hand gently on my cheek and looked at me with something in her eyes... sadness? She slowly reached into the can and pulled out my keys. “Which car?”
I closed my eyes and fought back the panic. The keys are supposed to be in the can... so nobody else gets hurt. I hoarsely said, “Silver Prius.”
She dragged me back to the couch and sat me down and put the coffee back in my hand. She looked into my eyes and I looked away. She grabbed my chin and turned my head back to her. “I'll be right back. OK?”
I tried to look away again but she held firmly and asked again, “OK, Gwen?”
I nodded and she was gone. I finished the coffee and went to the kitchen for a refill. I had just sat down on the couch again when she was back in the apartment with my iPad. She handed it to me and put my keys back in the can and I immediately felt some anxiety bleed away.
I started pulling up my address book as she pulled out her phone and handed it to me. “Dial Marcie.” I did so and she took the phone and started pacing frantically. I could see fear, apprehension, anxiety in her. Did I read her wrong all this time? Was she really who I thought she pretended to be? Could she... love... Reese?
She was suddenly talking, knocking me out of my thoughts. Her voice was doing a poor job of masking her stress. “Marcie? Hi this is Sarah... I'm... yeah, that Sarah. No. Yes... have you seen Reese since Sunday? She's... no she's not. She disappeared on Sunday, we can't find her and nobody has heard from her... no, we tried the police, they can't help because she is an adult. No... I'm at your apartment. OK, see you soon.”
She hung up and bit her lip with a strained look on her face. “She's coming. What happened? Why doesn't she live here any more?”
I hung my head, but then changed the topic. I handed her my iPad and drank some coffee. She looked at Crystal's number and dialed it on her cell. She kept looking at me. What was she seeing? What was she trying to see?
She suddenly spoke, I jumped a little. “Crystal McKay? Hello, I'm sorry to be calling you on your personal cell. Me? I'm Sarah, I'm Reese Qualls'... umm... I'm a friend of Reese's. Nice to talk to you, too. I was wondering if you have heard from her since Sunday. No? She's missing. I think she might be under emotional duress. Yes. We tried that. No. Is there anyone you can think of she might have gone to? No that's alright. Thank you. I'll let you know. Bye.”
She hung up and she looked up and took a deep breath, then she exhaled and looked at me again. “Anyone else? There has to be someone.”
I shrugged. When I took Reese's life away from her all those years ago, I took everything. “Nobody I can think of. Marcie would know. She's always been smarter than me.” Almost right on cue the apartment door flung open and Marcie walked in with a frantic look on her face.
&n
bsp; She walked quickly over to us and spoke, “Any news?” She looked at me accusingly and I couldn't stop myself and once again started sobbing. Then she surprised me. Marcie was suddenly on the couch beside me hugging me and letting me cry into her shoulder.
I felt her look up toward Sarah who said quietly with her voice full of stress, “Nothing. Can you think of anyone she'd go to?”
Marcie shrugged as she held me then said plainly to Sarah, “You.”
I giggled through my tears and sat up, wiping my face with my sleeve. “That's what I said.” Marci shot me a sad smile.
She turned back to Sarah. “She really didn't like going out in the world or meeting people, so besides all of her work contacts like Crystal McKay and Silent Bob. Maybe, one or two online gaming contacts. But they'd be all over the world.”
Sarah brightened at that. “Not all of them!” She started frantically typing on my iPad. Then she was dialing her cell. A few seconds later she was talking to someone. “Yes, is Mai working today? Great, may I speak with her?”
She had a slight look of hope as she waited then she started speaking into the phone again, “Mai. Hi, my name is Sarah, I'm... a friend of Reese Qualls. Have you seen her in the past couple days? She's missing and we are worried that... yes?! Yesterday? Do you... no? OK. Is my phone number on the store's caller ID? Good, can you please call the moment you hear from her again? Thank you! Bye.”
She hung up and closed her eyes, she looked to be gathering her thoughts. “Mai, works at the coffee shop. She plays some robot game with Reese. She says she hopped into a chat-room with her yesterday but didn't say anything for a long time then just logged out.
She looked at Marcie and I, “Where would she go?”
We both whispered, “Your place.” There was nowhere else. She locked herself away in here. Where I could protect her. She never went out if she didn't absolutely need to until Sarah.
She seemed to have her head together, I knew why Reese liked her so much. She seemed to be accepting of everything. I drank more coffee. I didn't want to be useless anymore. I stood and grabbed Reese's laptop and powered it up. It was password protected. I tried a couple things like 'sarah' and even a sickening thing, the date of the accident. Marcie was looking, she closed her eyes and shook her head and reached out and took the laptop and typed in 'gwen' and handed it back to me.
I looked over at her and tilted my head. She just glanced down at the keyboard and I hit enter. Reese's desktop popped up. A picture of Sarah with an adorably comical look on her face was the wallpaper.
I glanced up and Sarah was blushing profusely. I had to smile at her. I pulled up Reese's professional address book and looked at the girls. “We can split up the list. Someone has to have heard something.”
Then I looked at Marcie and choked back my tears again. “You know I'm sorry, right? I really miss you.” She nodded. Then a tear rolled down my cheek as I whispered, “It was today you know?” She nodded again, her own eyes were watering up.
We all pulled out our cells and started working on the list.
Chapter 11 – Super Hero
I made my way around the table again staring at the damn can. I could see the keys at the bottom of it but I couldn't bring myself to grab them. It was like there was a damn force field stopping me from getting to them. It was the rule. I had been drinking.
I wheeled my chair around the table in frustration. The mini bar was empty. I just needed to go get some more. I didn't want to feel, to think. It was today...
I swore I'd never ever drink. But I had nothing now. Not even Gwen's bitchiness to fall back on... to hold like a lifeline. Everything has been taken from me. Everyone leaves. The alcohol was supposed to deaden everything... why did I still feel like my heart had been torn from me? Why can't I cry? I hurt so much. Everyone leaves. I stared at the can, trying to will the keys out of it. Everyone leaves. But it is the rule... I have been drinking.
I rolled to the bed and tried to roll off of my chair onto it and the chair rolled back and I wound up on the ground. I grabbed the covers and pulled myself up onto it. Gawd my reflexes are sloppy. I turned onto my back and watched the ceiling fan spin.
I sat and listened to all the voices in my head, screaming in confusion. I tried to understand even one single emotion in the turmoil of chaos seething inside of me. I could only feel the profound sadness and despair at the loss of Sarah. Everyone leaves.
Memories came flooding in unbidden. I thought about the first talk I had with mom about dad. She never talked about him to me. I had been five, sitting on her lap watching cartoons when I first asked, “Why is daddy in heaven and not here with us? Did I do something wrong? Why did he leave?”
That was the first time I had ever seen my mother cry. I felt so bad, what did I do to hurt her? I just held on to her. Then she replied, “You didn't do anything. He loved you more than life itself little Ree-Ree. He didn't want to leave. God just needed him a little early.”
I was scared. “Why are you crying mommy?”
She dried her tears and then smiled down at me. “I don't know. I just haven't thought about Emeril in a while. I miss him. But he gave me you... a piece of himself. I get to fill you with all my love.”
We just sat in the chair hugging without talking. I kind of understood. I just knew I was sad I never got to meet him and I was sad that it made mom cry. I was a little mad at myself for causing her to be hurt again.
Then that year, Mom and I had to go to Vancouver for something important. I liked Vancouver. Grandma was there! Grandma was so much fun, and she told funny stories about mom. But we didn't go to her house. Instead we went to a hospital. Mom explained that Grandma was really sick.
Grandma didn't look to good. But she smiled when we got there. I timidly walked up and handed her my stuffed kitty, Tiger. “Mommy says you are sick. Tiger always makes me feel better, you can have her.”
That made grandma cry. I kept on making people cry. I didn't understand. I was scared. I didn't want to hurt anyone. So I hugged mom's leg as she talked with her. I didn't understand a lot of it and they were acting weird and looking at me before they'd say stuff like they were talking in code. That was the last time I saw grandma before the angels took her. She left me. Everyone leaves.
It took some time for me to figure out she was never coming back, just like dad. Then I was so sad, not knowing what I did to make her leave too. I realized I must be a really bad girl to make everyone leave forever. So I just tried harder to be a good girl for my mom, so she wouldn't leave too.
I started grade school that fall. I made a great friend, Becky McDonald. She was so much fun and we lived close to each other. We played all the time and her mommy and mine would always bring us to the pool and to all the fun things in the city.
At the end of the school year, Becky said her daddy had been re-deployed. I didn't understand that, but I knew he was a soldier. A hero that made the world safe, like in the cartoons.
The next day she wasn't at school. I thought she must have been sick so I walked to her house after school to see if I could help make her better. She wasn't there and there were big orange and white trucks loading up all of their stuff. I asked the big guys loading the truck where Becky was. He said they were moving to Texas.
I ran all the way home, not understanding exactly what was happening. I was scared, that's all I knew. I asked mom where Texas was and if she knew that the McDonald's were going there and when would they be back so I could play with Becky.
She let me know that they wouldn't be coming back. I ran to my room and hid under my bed and cried. Becky left too. She was my friend! I knew in my heart that I was a bad person then. I didn't want to be a bad person and make everyone go away. Everyone leaves.
My mom did all kinds of things with me that summer. Every chance we got she was doing fun things. It kept me from thinking about Becky.
When school started up again, there were some kids I knew from kindergarten but new kids too. A boy was picking on me
and a tall blonde girl pushed him and said, “Leave her alone!”
She was really pretty. She smiled at me and said, “Hi! I'm Gwendolyn, but you can call me Gwen.”
I smiled at her, she was like a super hero, saving me and everything. I replied, “I'm Reese, but you can call me... ummm... Reese.” She giggled at that.
Then just like that, we were the closest of friends. There wasn't a tree we didn't climb, a bike we didn't ride, a park we didn't play in, a CD we didn't listen to. In the back of my head I knew she would leave eventually. Everyone leaves. But I made the best of the time we had together.
Something different happened though. She didn't leave. I thought maybe I wasn't a bad person anymore.
One day she saw the new girl sitting alone in the lunch room before recess, she was cute, she looked a lot like Gwen. Gwen said, “She looks sad. Let's see what is wrong.” I grinned, Gwen was being a super hero again.
After giving her lunch ticket to the lunch lady, she walked toward the new girl. I was digging around in my pocket for my own lunch ticket. As I caught up with Gwen at the back table she was giving the girl her chocolate milk. Whoa! That stuff was like gold, you could trade it for like some Twinkies or a candy bar and potato chips!
The new girl smiled. That was the first time I saw her smile since she showed up a couple days earlier. I thought she should smile more, it looked pretty.
I sat down next to Gwen and she said, “Reese this is Marcie. Marcie, Reese.” I smiled at her.
We kind of became like the Three Musketeers after that. Marcie was fun too. It was a little wired because she kept trying to be exactly like Gwen. But that was OK because who wouldn't? Gwen was our private super hero.
I held back a little with Marcie, because she didn't seem to want to play with me when Gwen wasn't around. Also the little voice in my head always whispered to me that I was bad, and that if I got too close she would leave. The only ones immune to me were Gwen and my mom. I knew that everyone leaves.
Five Feet or Less Page 10