He was always rescuing her.
“That’s great, Madison!” Shan beamed at her friend. “You won’t get me on one of these creatures. They sure are pretty but I enjoy being on the ground, thank you very much.” She patted Sasha’s neck. “No offense, lady.”
Carsten chuckled. “Well, that’s the tour.”
“What about Samson?” Madison asked before realizing she was addressing Carsten directly, exactly as she had vowed not to.
Carsten ducked his head and said nothing. Shan looked confused.
Was he in the pasture? If that was the case, Carsten would have just said so. Not looked more like he had a another secret—
Realization dawned, and Madison’s heart sank. “No…” she breathed. She hurried the last few feet to Samson’s stall even though she could already see it was empty Her fears were confirmed when she looked over the wall into the desolate space. “Carsten…” Her voice cracked even as the truth registered. “You didn’t.”
“I did.”
At his admission, her legs gave out, and she slid to a sitting position against the stall door.
Shan stood to the side, looking completely bewildered. “What’s going on? Who is Samson? And where is he?”
Carsten ran a hand over his face, looking as if he were trying to regain his own composure. “I sold him.” His voice was rough.
Tears slipped from Madison’s eyes.
Shan looked between them both. “Why did you sell him”
Carsten’s lack of response answered Shan’s question.
“The money.” Her expression fell..
Madison buried her face in her hands . It was all her fault. She felt so guilty. How many ways could she—or her family—wreck this man’s life? All this time she’d been projecting her anger and frustration at her dad onto Carsten, when he’d done nothing but pick up all the broken pieces her dad left behind and keep them safe. Keep her safe.
Tears ran through the cracks between her fingers. ”Carsten, I’m so sorry. You loved that horse.”
Carsten knelt in the straw beside Madison, tugging her hands away from her face. She looked into his eyes, those same eyes that had beckoned her to dance in Germany what seemed like a lifetime ago.
Then he leaned close and whispered.. “I love you more.”
25
Carsten held out the cordless phone.
“I don’t want to talk to him.” Madison turned her face. She protectively crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head.
Carsten sighed. The reaction was understandable, though perhaps a little immature. But her dad’s betrayal had run deep. She wasn’t ready—would she ever be? These days he wasn’t sure.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Lawrence. Madison is still unavailable.”
He watched as she slipped upstairs to her room and then he headed into the kitchen, where Rita was baking. He perched on a stool. “Yes sir. I suppose she still needs more time.”
He caught Rita watching him from her post by the stove. She was stirring in a big pot, sending a delicious aroma wafting through the room.
“She’ll come around.” Her words carried confidence, but Carsten didn’t feel so sure. He forced a grin and set the phone on the counter.
“Let me know when that’s ready. It smells wonderful.”
“You say that about everything.” Rita waved him off, and Carsten went back into the living room. Madison was gone.
He felt the urge to pray—to surrender this entire situation to someone with a little more control than he currently had.
But the words were as forced as his smile to Rita had been. “God, what do we do?” Silence.
Carsten crossed the room to sit on the hearth by the fireplace. His spirit was restless. He gazed up at the ceiling, knowing Madison’s room wasn’t far away. He could almost feel her up there, pacing the floor.
He wasn’t the only one feeling a little anxious. It had been weeks since the kidnapping, and though Shan’s presence helped, Madison was still not her usual self. She had barely spoken to Carsten since the incident in the stables.
Where he’d professed his love.
He groaned. Talk about bad timing. She hadn’t responded, though the look in her eyes gave him hope that maybe she would in time.
He rested his chin on his fingertips and closed his eyes. God’s protection of Madison during her kidnapping, and his swift finding of the angel and the diamond had given his faith a giant boost of late
Sadly, it seemed to do the opposite to Madison’s.
He tried to pray again. God, you know Madison better than I ever could. She needs to find peace and forgiveness. She is consumed by her bitterness. Only You can release that burden. Help her to see, Lord. Break down her walls.
Carsten sat in silence for several moments, deep in thought and prayer. He felt a gentle stirring in his spirit, and for the first time in many years, truly believed that everything would turn out fine in the end. He saw a glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel.
~*~
Madison woke early the next morning. She couldn’t get the words out of her head. They had played on repeat for weeks. “The girl’s not even his real daughter… real daughter…real daughter…”
She stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Who was she? She had to find out. Knowing had to be better than wondering, regardless of the outcome.
She slipped into her robe. Knotting it at the waist, she took the stairs down to the living room, searching for Carsten. He’d know how she could find out. She’d swing by the kitchen and ask Rita if he was out in the fields this morning.
“Rita!” Madison entered the kitchen full speed and then skidded to a stop at the sight of Carsten scrambling eggs at the stove. He looked over his shoulder and smiled.
Madison swallowed hard. The scene was way too homey. It was doing funny things to her stomach…and her heart. What would it be like to see him like this all the time? The thought entered her mind against her will, and she pushed it aside. She had too much to deal with before she entertained thoughts of Carsten. Of loving him back.
“I gave Rita the day off. I thought she could use a break.” Carsten broke another egg and tossed the shell into the sink. He began stirring briskly the contents of a bowl. “Are you hungry? I know Shan will be.”
He grinned, and for a moment, Madison could almost forget everything that had happened over the past month.
Almost.
Resolve stiffened her backbone. “I need a favor.” She sat down on the bar stool.
Carsten kept his back to her as he worked over the skillet. “I’ll do my best.” With one hand, he flipped the eggs over with a spatula while grabbing a plate from the cabinet with the other.
Madison’s stomach grumbled at the aroma. “I need you to find out if I’m adopted.” The words left a bitter taste in her mouth.
Carsten looked up in surprise. “Why would you think you’re adopted?” He turned the fire off and began scooping eggs onto the empty plate.
“Because of something I overheard Joseph and Lance saying.”
Carsten didn’t respond for several moments.
Madison waited. She knew what he was going to say and was already prepared with her answer
“Are you sure you want to know that, Maddie? Maybe it is best if you talked to your father first.”
I’ve thought this through. I want to know before I speak to him again. You’re the only one who can help me, Carsten. I know you have the resources to find out.” She hesitated, knowing she was asking a lot, when she’d given very little back. “I’m just asking you to try.”
Carsten slid the plate of eggs on the counter and walked over to stand directly in front of her. He looked deeply into her eyes, and slid his hand under her hair to cup her neck. “You know I can’t deny you anything.” His voice was husky, and warmth ran down Madison’s spine.
She closed her eyes against the touch of his hand and then gently ducked out of his grip. “Thank you.”
Sh
e tried to smile, but the effort failed miserably. “I’ll go tell Shan breakfast is ready.”
She left the room quietly.
~*~
Carsten watched Madison leave, trying to fight the dark cloud of misery that threatened to settle over him. She looked way too cute first thing in the morning, and the sight of her with messy hair and a robe made him think about the future. He wanted her in it, even though at this point it seemed hopeless to even consider the possibility. Madison was gone. Her body was still on the Running R ranch, but her spirit, her spunk and personality that had drawn him to her like a moth to flame, had disappeared into a hardened shell. Could God even crack it?
A sharp burning smell suddenly permeated the air, and Carsten quickly grabbed for the burners and turned them off. The woman showed up with a single heartfelt plea, and he almost set the kitchen on fire. He had to distance himself, and wait. It was out of his hands.
“You’re in control, God. Help me to stop trying to take over.” Carsten breathed the prayer that had gotten him through the past several weeks and then began to make toast. There was nothing else he could do.
~*~
The next few days passed in a blur for Madison. She had developed somewhat of a routine. Now that she had Shan’s help, the two got to work on the decorating project. Madison was determined to fulfill her duty as a designer.
Whether her initial job offer had been real was irrelevant. She needed something to do, a goal of some kind. She hated staying in a place without pulling her weight. Since Rita had the cooking and cleaning under control, Madison and Shan put all their energy into decorating. Carsten wouldn’t let them leave the house for supplies, but they made do with what he and Madison had bought on their previous trip, along with a few other creatively resourced items. Slowly, the house began to take shape.
“You girls are doing a great job.” Carsten stated one afternoon as he walked into the downstairs bathroom. Shan was kneeling on the floor, painting the baseboards, while Madison stood on a ladder, stenciling a border.
Shan thanked Carsten for the compliment. Madison smiled stiffly, not looking up from her work. Carsten waited in the doorway. At his sigh, she turned and saw him walk away, his strong shoulders slightly drooped. The sight twisted her stomach, but she turned back to the design and kept stenciling.
“Girl, I hope you know what you’re doing,” Shan muttered.
Silence was Madison’s only response.
The days kept passing, and Madison still refused to talk to her father, though he made several attempts at communication. She finally finished the house. Every wall had been painted, along with a fresh coat of white for the trim. Accent pillows and rugs were scattered throughout the house, along with new lighting and several pots of strategically placed plants and flowers. Every room was complete, except for the master bedroom. Madison couldn’t bring herself to go inside it. That was where Carsten had taken to sleeping, and she wouldn’t let herself get that close to him. It seemed too intimate.
Each time she passed the room, her traitorous mind would entertain thoughts of what it would be like to marry Carsten and live on the ranch permanently. Carsten never asked why Madison and Shan hadn’t redone the room. Madison figured he understood, and probably also preferred not to talk about it. It was too painful to think of what might have been.
What possibly still could be, if she got her life figured out. But how could she love Carsten when she wasn’t sure who she was? She had nothing to give right now, and he had already given so much. It wasn’t fair to him.
Madison also was beginning to grow weary hearing Shan’s complaints about “farm life”. Though she was ready to leave the ranch and the emotional turmoil of being around Carsten every day, she personally had little desire to dive back into the smog of the city. But Shan was more than ready to return. “We’re going to be here forever,” Shan whined. “I need Starbucks!”
Each time, Madison would say, “You’ll be home before you know it.”
Shan never knew how much it cost Madison to say those words. She still wasn’t sure where her home truly was. With her father in Georgia? At her apartment in New York? At work? Her heart cried an answer she didn’t want to acknowledge— with Carsten.
The wandering sensation in her spirit only magnified the night the phone rang. Rita was just clearing the supper dishes from the table when Carsten came back into the dining room, a grave expression on his face. He asked to speak to Madison alone.
With rattling nerves, Madison followed him into the living room. She took her usual position on the couch and waited for the inevitable. She could tell by his face what he had discovered. Even so, she wasn’t prepared for the blow of his words.
“My connection just phoned. He found your file. Madison, you were adopted when you were three months old.”
An icy film crept over her heart. All the years of wondering why she wasn’t good enough, of fighting her father for freedom, of feeling as if she didn’t fit in, suddenly made sense. But pain came with the clarity, striking pain that lingered deep in her soul.
Carsten cleared his throat, but she couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t take the sympathy she knew would hover in his eyes. Could she accept the fact that this would always be a part of her? It would create her identity. The cold truth changed everything. Doubts flogged her memories. Did any of it count now? Had any of it been real?
Madison lifted a trembling hand to her heart. How could they have kept such a thing from her all these years?? She closed her eyes as grief threatened to consume her.
No wonder her dad hadn’t paid her ransom. He’d already purchased her once.
“Maddie?”
She jerked, opening her eyes, yet still avoiding Carsten’s gaze. “Thank you for finding out for me.” Her words were stiff, and she stood awkwardly, feeling foreign in her own skin. Was it better to know, after all? Yes. Maybe. He had tried to warn her.
It was too late now.
She caught Carsten’s nod of acknowledgement out of the corner of her eye, and blinked hard to keep back the tears. She wanted a hug. But her heart closed, wrapping around itself in a protective shield.
She wouldn’t get hurt again.
26
Carsten threw himself into his work. He spent every waking moment outside helping the ranch hands or inside on his laptop computer. He sent emails daily, spreading the word to various contacts about Joseph and Lance. As much as he wanted Madison to stay at the ranch, he hated the idea that her kidnappers were still loose. He knew vengeance was the Lord’s, but at times, he fought the temptation to take over.
His mornings and nights were filled with constant prayer for Madison, as well as for himself, while his days were spent laboring. He had become as much a worker as the rest of his staff, and he sensed a new level of respect from each of them.
Even though several of the cowboys showed a genuine interest in Madison and Shan, they kept their distance. They had all been within hearing range when Carsten ordered Mitch to leave months before. None of them wanted a repeat of that German rage.
Carsten’s spiritual life strengthened to the point that he could honestly say he wanted what was best for Madison, even if that meant not being with her. He wanted her to forgive her father and move on with her life. Of course, he also wanted to marry her and have a dozen children. But he was leaving that part up to God.
He couldn’t help but notice Madison’s distance from all things spiritual. She wasn’t even bowing her head at the table during grace. He would simply have to pray for her in that area, as well.
His cellphone rang one cold afternoon in October. He shifted the strand of barbed wire to his other hand and dug the phone from his jacket pocket, fumbling through his thick gloves.
“Good news.”
The voice on the other end was that of a co-worker from Angel Enterprises. Carsten held the phone against his ear with his shoulder and kept pulling the wire taunt. “I’m listening.”
“I have a Mr. Joseph Styles i
n custody in New York City.”
Carsten’s grip let go of the wire and it sprung back in protest. His breath caught in his throat. One down. “What about Lance?”
The line was silent. Carsten gripped the phone, straining to hear through the static of the connection. Had Lance managed to escape?
“That is not such good news. Joseph is responsible for his brother’s death.”
Carsten bowed his head as the news registered. Joseph had killed Lance. Somehow, he wasn’t surprised. The man was wicked, and his brother had been weak. Still, how could someone murder his own brother?
These were the days his job was hard. How would the news affect Madison? Though Lance had been the one to kidnap her, he had also saved her. She obviously felt grateful; she had saved the man’s life in return. Now Carsten understood on a fresh level why she’d stopped him that night. She knew more about those dynamics than he had in the heat of the rescue.
She’d made the right decision, and had saved him from a lot of regret.
“My boys apprehended Joseph at the border,” the agent continued. “He was trying to sneak into Mexico. Let’s just say he did not succeed.”
Carsten breathed a sigh of relief as the weight of the words sunk in. The danger was past. That meant that Madison and Shan were free to go back to New York City.
His stomach tightened at the thought. Was this a test from God, his chance to prove that he loved Madison enough to let her go? Could do it? His strength faltered.
“Thank you for calling.”
“I’ll be in touch.” The line went dead.
Carsten stayed outside until the sun set. He knew the sooner he went inside, the sooner reality would begin, and Madison would disappear from his life.
Forever.
~*~
Rita made a huge farewell dinner. Madison couldn’t see her plate for all the food that covered it. Shan ate heartily, excited to be heading back to the city. She kept muttering about coffee and concrete. But it was all Madison could do to keep her dinner down. She didn’t know what she felt. She was more numb than emotional. The coldness that had sunk in with Carsten’s announcement of her past had settled into a chilling ache that wouldn’t go away. She pushed the steak around on her plate while Shan dished up seconds.
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