“I’ll cook you a special dinner.” She bustled off to the kitchen. Carsten smiled sadly. He would miss her, as well as her cooking. He thought of the bachelor pad awaiting him in Germany and almost changed his mind about the trip. But one glance into the living room cleared his mind.
Madison had outdone herself in her design. Never had the space appeared so large and inviting. He saw the fireplace from the corner of his eye, and remembered the previous night where he and Madison had sat and talked. It already felt like a lifetime ago.
There was no doubt about it. He had to leave. It was simply too painful. He gave the room one last sweeping glance and turned down the hall to his room. It, too, reminded him of Madison, not because of her decorating, but because the lack of it. She had skipped this room entirely, and Carsten knew it had been done on purpose. Did she feel the same way about him when she looked inside the master bedroom? Did she secretly wish that she could decorate it to her own tastes and occupy it with him as his wife?
Evidently, she didn’t, or she wouldn’t have left.
Carsten ran a hand through his hair and moaned. He had to get away before he went insane. He grabbed his cowboy hat off the dresser and shoved it on his head before leaving the room. The back door slammed behind him as he rushed to the stables as if he were being chased by a ghost.
He supposed in many ways, he was.
~*~
He slept later than he meant to. The sun streamed in golden layers through the window when Carsten finally opened his eyes after a restless night’s sleep. He yawned and contemplated staying in bed. Determined not to wallow in his misery, he finally stood and stretched.
A loud whinny from outside caught his attention, and he paused, arms still above his head. He listened, wondering if he was dreaming. The whinny came again, and it sounded familiar.
Carsten pulled back the curtain and stared. Samson stood on the front lawn, munching on a block of hay. His reins were tied loosely to the front porch railing. The beautiful horse looked up at the movement in the window and whinnied again.
Feeling like a little kid on Christmas morning, Carsten pulled on the nearest pair of pants and shirt and ran outside, still barefoot. The ground was cold beneath his feet but he didn’t care.
“Samson! How did you—” He stopped as Teddy Lawrence’s words from the day before sank in. You should expect a gift delivery sometime tomorrow…
The man knew how to apologize.
Carsten untied the rope from the rail and clucked softly to Samson. “This way. You’re home now.” He led the stallion to his old stall, making sure he was safely put away and cared for before returning back to the house to grab his boots.
His heart full of gratitude, he planned a carefree day of riding, his flight to Germany no longer a priority.
“Rita! You won’t believe it!”
The day was turning out to be much better than he had imagined.
~*~
She had never been so miserable in her life. Madison went through the motions of her everyday work schedule, feeling as if she had been taken over by a robot. She saw what she did, and she knew she was doing it, but her inner drive and ambition was missing. She wasn’t herself, and it was beginning to show. She knew from the curious looks Shan gave her, the way their new receptionist tip-toed around as though she were afraid of offending, and the way that her clients asked Shan softly spoken questions when they thought Madison couldn’t hear.
She noticed, but found it hard to care. She was feeling just that way when Shan burst into her office one chilly December morning.
“I found the garland!” She was wearing it draped around her neck like a boa. Posing like a supermodel, Shan stood framed in the doorway, draped in greenery and looking way too cheerful for Madison’s taste.
“Congratulations,” she mumbled.
Shan frowned. “Don’t make me bring over the mistletoe.”
Madison smirked.
Shan threatened her with the piece of greenery. “I know I’m not who you want to kiss, but don’t think I won’t do it! Girl, you’ve got to smile. It’s almost Christmas!”
“Trust me, I know. And I have no family to spend it with.”
“And that is completely your own fault.”
Madison raised her eyebrows at her friend’s bluntness. Shan held out her arms in defense. “Don’t look at me that way. I’m just telling you the truth. I know for a fact your father has been trying to contact you for almost three months now. If you choose to spend Christmas without family, it’s your own choice.”
Madison’s temper flared, but then she lost all energy and deflated like a balloon. “I don’t even know who my real family is.” She sank into the desk chair.
Shan sighed and came over to perch on the side of the desk. “Does it matter?” Her voice was gentle though her words were piercing. “What I mean is, you have family, Madison. Why does it matter that it was a delivery through a piece of paper rather than flesh and blood? Your father loves you. Your mother did, too. I know that from the pictures I’ve seen and the stories I’ve heard. You carry a lot of bitterness, but I know the love is there on both sides. Give your dad a chance. It’s almost Christmas.”
Madison shrugged, feeling the tears well up. She turned away abruptly. She knew from experience over the past few weeks that once she started crying, it took a long time to stop.
“And don’t forget, I’m your family, too. And I know we’re not related by blood.” Shan grinned and held her dark complexioned arm next to Madison’s fair skinned one.
A smile finally broke through to the surface, and Madison hugged her friend. “Thank you.” It was all she could say at the moment, but it was enough.
Shan returned the hug and then wrapped Madison up in a big roll of tinsel. “Time to decorate!”
They turned on the stereo and listened to a local station that was playing Christmas music through the month of December.
Shaking her hips to “Jingle Bells” while tacking tinsel to her desk, Madison felt considerably light-hearted. It was almost enough to make her want to call her father.
Almost.
29
Carsten spent the next two weeks praying like he had never prayed before. He prayed in the mornings while it was still dark out. He prayed while he worked on the land and went for his daily rides on Samson. He prayed before every meal and while he was in the shower. He prayed while falling asleep in bed. At first, he prayed because he wanted to change God’s mind about his relationship with Madison. But the more he prayed, the more he realized God was changing his heart, rather than the other way around. And he was truly content for the first time in a long time.
Being that close to God made everything seem different, more purposeful, somehow. Carsten saw the ranch in a new light. He saw nature and all of God’s creation as a miracle. His spirit felt satisfied.
That didn’t mean he didn’t still think about Madison. He couldn’t forget her if he tried. He still pictured her blonde hair hanging down her back as she rode ahead of him on Sasha, and dreamt of her fiery eyes and musical laugh. But he had arrived at a new place in his life, a place of trust that he had never before imagined possible.
The trip to Germany had been put off indefinitely. Rita was grateful. She showed him her gratitude through mountains of food and a sparkling house. He was glad she was happy. He knew he was like a son to her, and she didn’t need any more loss in her life. He was content on the ranch. He had his work, his land, his horse, and most importantly, his relationship with God.
Occasionally, he prayed and asked God if he was doing the right thing. He still fought the temptation to jump on the next flight to New York and sweep Madison off her feet. But every time he prayed about it, he felt an urging in his spirit to wait. God never revealed more than that one, single word: Wait.
He was beginning to hate the word, but eventually he decided that the right thing in the wrong timing was still the wrong thing. So he forced himself to be patient, working harder than
he ever worked before. The ranch took on a new shape. Any repair that needed to be done, he found and repaired it.
He finally backed off when his foreman approached him one evening, worried about being worked out of a job. After that, Carsten occupied himself with details of a plan on how to get Madison back to the ranch. But each time he tried to work through the details, conviction once again struck his heart, and he wavered in the space between trust and doubt. He knew God had a plan for his life.
But he feared it might not include Madison.
One morning, while riding through the north pasture checking fence lines, he felt a change in his spirit. He pulled Samson to a halt. “God?” He waited, holding his breath, hoping. Was it time? Was this his sign?
There was the same urging in his spirit, a gentle command. But this time it was a different word. Still wait, but with it, something more. He listened harder. Trust.
He smiled. He could do that. With newly strengthened faith, and a hope that threatened to take his breath away, Carsten made a decision to put his trust into action. He put Samson in the barn and went to clean up. Then he headed into town. He had an errand to run. What would come of it, he had no idea. That was up to God. Carsten would just do his own part.
He would trust.
~*~
Madison felt restless. The cheery atmosphere of her office did little to ease her mind. She stared at the sparkly tinsel on her desk until it started to blur. Shan had already left for the day, declaring Christmas Eve a national holiday and demanding an early out. Madison hadn’t argued. If she were in circumstances other than her own, she’d have felt the same way.
She needed to get out. There would be no more phone calls or clients today. Most people had taken the day, or even the previous week, off from work.
Madison tried to rein in the negativity and decided some fresh air would clear her mind. She bundled up in her pink pea coat and matching cashmere gloves and scarf. She locked up the office and set out at a brisk pace, content to walk and watch.
Christmas time in New York was evident at every light post and corner. Wreaths, garland, and mistletoe decorated the city. She kept walking, observing the people passing by. Stores were closing their doors and turning off lights, ready to go home to a fancy feast with their families.
She passed by a street musician, playing “Deck the Halls” on his harmonica, and dropped some change in his open case. He nodded his thanks and switched to “Jingle Bells”.
Madison walked for blocks, not worrying about the setting sun or the crowds on the street. There was a magical quality in the air, brought by the holiday season, and she felt safe wrapped inside it.
It reminded her of Germany.
She rubbed her hands together through her gloves. It was getting colder. She looked up at the sky just as the clouds released their snowflake prisoners, sending a flurry spiraling downward like powdered sugar dusting over a cake. She held her face to the moisture for a moment; breathing in the fresh, clean scent.
Even though she enjoyed the snow, she wanted to get warm. She looked up the street for a taxi and saw none. Walking one more block ahead, she found herself in front of a small chapel. Lanterns glowed in the windows, offering a safe, warm haven, and Madison stepped inside.
Standing in the foyer, she dusted the snow off her coat and unwound her scarf. Pushing the gloves in her coat pocket, she walked a few steps and stopped short at the beauty of the church. A tall ceiling accented by stained glass windows caught her artistic eye, and she stepped quietly down the aisle. The church was empty except for a few people bowed in prayer in the front pews.
She slid into a row in the back and sat reverently. Her stomach clenched, and she realized that it had been way too long since she had prayed. She realized that the wall she had built protectively around her heart had blocked out not only her friends and family, but also her Lord.
Madison bowed her head. She didn’t know where to start, and a tear dripped onto her lap. She sniffed and tried again. “God…” She began to sob.
Not wanting to draw the attention of the people in the front, Madison covered her face with her hands to muffle the sound. The tears released the pent up anger and bitterness inside, and when she was done, she felt purged.
Raising her gaze, she noticed the picture on the window closest to her. It was that of Jesus on the cross, arms stretched wide. She felt for the first time that those arms were opening wide just for her, for salvation as well as for comfort and love and security. Those arms were the only ones she truly needed.
Regardless of the dynamics of her family, she was loved. Fully, deeply, wholly loved.
She whispered her thoughts to God, sending a heartfelt prayer of repentance to the heavens. She knew in her spirit she was forgiven, and she was also just as certain that she would have to forgive.
First herself and then her father.
“It’s hard.” Madison whispered. “I have so much to learn about trust.” She looked once more to the cross on the colored panes, and took a deep breath. “But I forgive him.”
Her wall cracked.
She tried a smile. It felt sincere. “I really do.” And then the wall dismantled piece by piece.
Madison knew she still had many things to discuss with her dad. There were questions that desperately needed answering. Why didn’t he tell her she was adopted? Why didn’t he make time for her when she was growing up?
The answers were irrelevant. Teddy Lawrence was her dad, the father that God provided for her, and she intended from this point forward to be grateful and stop harassing herself with doubts and insecurities.
“Thank you, Lord, for the snow, and for bringing me into this chapel, and most importantly, for being there with arms open wide.”
Madison sat silently in the church for a moment longer until she felt her heart would simply burst. It was Christmas Eve, and she had a gift for her father—her unconditional love. She had to talk to him, right away. Maybe it wasn’t too late to get a flight down to Georgia for Christmas day.
She stood from the pew, eager to make her plans. As she pushed open the heavy doors and walked outside into the snowy night, an idea dawned. She glanced at her watch. It would work if she hurried.
30
The frozen ground crunched under Madison’s boots as she walked purposefully across the pasture. During the long talk she’d had with her father, he’d told her that he’d gotten Samson back for Carsten. She had a hunch he’d be out here riding. Sure enough, Madison could just make out the familiar Stetson at the bottom of the hill. She squinted. He was sitting in the saddle, gazing out across the barren fields.
Something stirred in Madison’s heart. She tried to keep from running to him, but as she got closer, she found herself at a jog. The cold air pierced her lungs and burned her nose, but she didn’t care. The sight of the man in front of her warmed her heart.
A sudden doubt slowed her pace. From his hunched shoulders and vacant stare, he appeared upset. She stopped walking. What right did she have to assume the reason for his sad appearance was her? Would he even want her? She hadn’t contacted him in months. She thought back to the flurry of activity that had brought her to this moment. The phone call to her father after leaving the chapel, the tears and apologies, the private plane ride he had arranged to get her to the ranch.
Her impulsive decision that had seemed so right and romantic now appeared reckless and risky. Madison closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She could do this. Silently, she prayed for strength, and put one foot in front of the other.
The wind shifted. Samson whinnied, acknowledging her presence for the first time, and Carsten turned. His gaze met hers and his expression changed.
She gave a sheepish smile and started walking faster. She couldn’t read his face. The nervous flutter in her stomach quickened. Madison forced herself to keep walking, head down, eyes averted. She stopped a few feet away.
“Why are you here?” His tone was unreadable.
Her heart sank
. She lifted her eyes, weakly offering all she had. “Because of you.”
The corners of his mouth twitched. Was that a smile? She couldn’t tell. Oh, this was agony. What if he rejected her?
Carsten adjusted the hat on his head and swung easily from the saddle. He took a tentative step toward her. Madison recognized the motion—it was the same way he approached a nervous mare.
This time, he had nothing to fear.
She crossed the distance between them with a few long strides and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” His grip tightened around her waist. “I’ve been waiting. Waiting and trusting.”
She risked her heart with a single whisper. “I love you.” The smile in his eyes made the risk worth it.
She leaned back to study his face, running a hand over the firm jaw, the slightly crooked nose, and then tucked her palm against the warmth of his neck.
He rested his cheek against her wrist and briefly closed his eyes. “I love you too, mein angel.”
The softly spoken words sent a shiver rippling down her spine. She smiled. An angel was what had gotten her into this entire mess in the first place.
But from the love shining through Carsten’s clear blue gaze, she knew in her heart that it had all been part of God’s plan—to bring her to a place of love and trust that she never knew existed, with both her Heavenly Father and with the man standing in front of her.
“I have something for you.” Carsten released his hold on her, and Madison reluctantly stepped out of the warmth of his embrace. She watched as he dug in the front pocket of his Wranglers.
He held out his closed fist. Madison opened her palm.
A diamond solitaire dropped into her hand.
She gasped, and tears immediately pooled in her eyes. “How did you know I would come back?”
Midnight Angel Page 17