by Moira McTark
Matt took a casual step back, hoping it didn’t look like retreat. He needed to think. Needed time away from Nichole to get his head straight.
“Not tonight, I’m sort of beat after…” his eyes trailed down her body to where her bent knee split the overlap of her robe. She rubbed one slender foot with those pretty red toenails against the front of her standing leg while she talked to him. What had he been saying? “I’m ready for a night in.”
“I know, a night at home is tempting….”
The heat of her gaze scorched his chest and his stomach knotted. No room for tempting. No. No. No.
Her voice trailed off track in his consciousness as he watched her knee rock up and down, the sides of her robe parting infinitesimally more with every motion. He wondered if she was nude underneath it. He hadn’t allowed himself to look at her when they’d first awakened, but now he couldn’t help but wonder if her skin still showed the marks of his possession. How long would it take to make her wet, to make her nipples bunch tight and coax the first groan out of her? Last night all it had taken was his kiss, a single thrust of his tongue into her soft, wet mouth, and she’d hungrily begged for more, molding her body to his, giving herself over…completely.
He wanted to taste her again. He wanted to live off her warmth, to exist solely for the sensation of her body climaxing around his.
Holy hell, she’s still talking!
“….so it should be fun,” she finished, her smile holding a hint of tension as she searched his face.
“Yeah, sounds like it. Sounds great.” Goddamn it, he’d become the guy who fantasized about fucking her, nodding like a jackass while she talked, and not listening to one word she said. That kind of thing just didn’t happen to him. He wasn’t that guy, didn’t want to be that guy. He wanted to be the guy she could turn to for the rest of her life. The guy she never fell for and never got over. He wanted to be the one who stayed, and that meant getting away from her now, at least until he could have a conversation with her without his fantasies ending up in her panties.
Christ, her panties.
What had he done? One night, and his brain turned to smut soup whenever he looked at her.
He had to get out of there. “Nichole, I’ve got to get some stuff done today. I’ll be back tonight.” What a bullshit copout—but he couldn’t think. His heart slammed against his ribs, and his head screamed a thousand things at once.
She looked stricken, confused. But she raised her chin and shrugged it off. “No, no…go. Have a good day. I’ll catch up with you later.”
Chapter Six
Nichole unzipped her parka and walked into Brewer’s Pub, shaking off Lindy’s arm as her friend asked for the thirtieth time in ten minutes if she was okay. Really okay? Just pretending to be okay?
Damn it, she didn’t know the answer. Matt had rocketed out of the house hours ago, and from the moment he left, a hollow numbness settled into the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to feel anything. Didn’t want to think about what it would be like between them. Didn’t want to think about how he’d rushed off. Didn’t want to think about the fact that the sound of his closing the door behind him had physically hurt her. She had no idea if she would be okay, and all she wanted was her best friend, Matt, to reassure her.
“Hey, I thought you said Matt wasn’t coming tonight.”
Nichole’s heart skipped a beat. She jerked her head up and scanned the crowd for the only face she wanted to see. He was standing at the bar talking to…Peg.
Her stomach lurched into her throat. He’d brought a date to the bar she’d told him she’d be at with Lindy. The very same woman he’d brought back to their townhouse two months ago when he’d wanted to show her there was nothing between them.
“Oh, my God.” It was a repeat of her ultimate humiliation. Not even the names had changed. Rage boiled past her incredible shock. She couldn’t believe it. Matt wasn’t a coward. He wasn’t a bastard. He couldn’t be rubbing another woman in her face because he was too much of a pussy to deal with what had happened between them. But there he was, standing next to that same leggy blond, pretending he had no idea she was watching him.
“Lindy, we’ve got to go.”
“What? We just—”
“Right now.” Her heart ached inside her chest as she spun for the door and bolted back out into the cold.
—
Matt looked up just as his brother, Jack, emerged from the men’s room. “Thanks, Peg. When I saw you over here, I wanted to come over apologize about the way I treated you at the end. There was more to my relationship with Nichole, but I just wasn’t ready to admit it, and I was an ass. I’m sorry.”
Peg held out her slim hand and offered a shake. “Thanks, Matt. I appreciate it. Take care of yourself.”
He dropped a chaste kiss onto her cheek and headed back over to the table he was sharing with his brother.
“Hey, man. Thanks for meeting me out.”
“No, problem. Where’s Nichole tonight?”
Matt shook his head. “Out somewhere with Lindy, I think. She’s the reason I called.”
Jack dropped into his chair and shot Matt an amused look. “So you’re finally looking to your big brother for advice, huh?”
—
Supporting her head in her hands, Nichole stared down at the single sheet of paper and dropped her pen. She pushed back from her desk, took the note, and carried it out to the narrow secretary table in the hall. Her hands trembled as she tented it next to a small porcelain bowl of candy Conversation Hearts.
Lindy had warned her, and she hadn’t listened. She’d been a fool. A stupid fool, ignoring all logic because she couldn’t stand the ache between her legs and the void in her heart any longer. She owned a damn vibrator. So why hadn’t she simply locked herself into her room with it for as long as it took for her to get some of her sense back? She’d pushed Matt into sleeping with her with the promise that it was just sex. But when he stared into her eyes, filling her body with his, she wanted nothing more than to tell him she was hopelessly in love with him. That he had always been the one to hold her heart. She’d ruined every relationship she’d ever attempted because none of the other men were Matt, so none of them would do.
But he didn’t feel the same way about her. And he’d made damn sure she understood that.
It was time for her to face facts. She’d been in denial for far too long. Her destructive actions stood out for the obvious maneuvering they were. She’d moved in with the man she loved, but pretended not to, because she’d have done anything to be close to him. She’d been living a perpetual lie, betraying the honesty and friendship between them she claimed to prize. Demanding they go to bed together, swearing she wouldn’t need more. But it wasn’t true. For all her schemes and grand plans, she knew now that she wouldn’t be okay. Not like this. Not trying to fit back into her lie of a life. She had to get out.
Her stomach was in knots; her throat was tight and burning with the tears she fought to hold back. She reached for the bowl of candy, closed her eyes, and selected a single pastel heart. Holding the sugary sweet up in front of her, she read its message. Friends 4-ever. Of course. Hot tears welled in her eyes and slipped down her cheeks, and she hostilely swiped them away with the side of her sleeve.
She had no time to stand around wallowing in self-pity. She needed to get her crap together. She didn’t know when Matt would be back, and she couldn’t bear it if he brought Peg with him. She’d gotten his message loud and clear in the fifteen seconds she’d been inside the bar. Her romantic delusion would have no fairy tale ending. She’d hung onto the fantasy of them getting together for twelve years, and it was time to give it up. If she wanted an honest friendship with Matt, one that wasn’t built around false hope and buried desire, she had to leave. She couldn’t live with him, pretending to be his girlfriend, but with none of the added benefits.
She stooped and picked up a half-packed cardboard box and returned to her room to collect the remaining necess
ities she would take with her.
—
An hour later, Nichole stared at the spray of ice coating the Dumpsters and alley fencing behind the townhouse. She braced herself against the biting cold and clutched the heavy duty trash bag in one bare hand, wondering if she would have to chisel a layer of ice off the lid of the sludge-colored bin in order to be rid of her trash. She was packed and ready to go, and the sooner the better.
She pushed the handle with the back of her hand; the lid lifted an inch, and she let out a relieved burst of frosty breath. Raising the lid, she started to heft her bag into the bin, but stopped short when she saw the contents already there. A dozen red roses, bent and battered, were strewn atop a pile of Chinese carry out boxes and trash already occupying the bottom third of the dumpster. A red, heart-shaped cardboard box with a frilly white lace border had been shoved in on its side and an avalanche of chocolates cascaded over the broken stems and greenish noodles.
A Valentine’s day travesty.
The weight of her bag pulled on her arm, and the sight of cast aside romance did the same to her heart. Unable to bury the roses and chocolate any deeper, she closed the Dumpster and found another bin in which to drop her trash. It was heartbreaking.
Who would throw away love?
—
Relieved to have finally gotten his head straight, Matt pushed into the townhouse and immediately stopped short, dropping the bag he carried at his feet, his stomach knotting with dread. There were three cardboard boxes stacked neatly against the hallway wall. It was quiet and still in the space that always seemed alive when Nichole moved within its walls.
A sick moan escaped his throat at the sight of a note atop the hall table. His feet dragged like lead as he forced them up the short flight to the main hall. He stopped at the table, and the ground gave way beneath him as he scanned the note, hastily scrawled on a sheet of spiral-bound notebook paper in blue ballpoint pen strokes.
Matt,
I’ve made such a mess of everything. I thought I could handle what we did. I wanted it so badly that I lied to myself about what it would be like after. I should have known better, and now I do. I can’t keep hiding the truth from both of us.
There’s a part of me that is in love with you, and always has been. There’s a part of me that needs our friendship more than anything else in my life, and that part is normally in control, but lately it hasn’t been.
I was stupid. I know you aren’t in love with me. You keep trying to find ways to make it clear, and I keep refusing to see them. But I understand now.
I’m praying that you’ll forgive me and help us get back to the way we were. In the meantime, I can’t live here. I’ll be back for my things, but I can’t face you again tonight. I’m so sorry.
-N
“Goddamn it!” he roared, slamming the flat of his hand against the wall.
A sudden gasp and a flash of halted motion down the hall caught his attention. Nichole peered out her doorway at him, and his heart ripped in half at the sight. The skin around her eyes was red and blotchy; her lips were swollen, and her nose was red. She held a wadded up tissue in one hand, and her purple duffle in the other.
He stalked forward and held up the note in accusation. “You’re leaving? Without even talking to me?” He was furious, devastated. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. Everything had gone wrong and he was out of his mind.
“Matt, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, with a ragged sob. “I wanted to be gone before you got home. I’m so embarrassed, so stupid. I saw you with Peg. I understand—”
“Peg? You were at Brewer’s?” He hadn’t seen her, and Jack certainly would have mentioned it if he had.
Her eyes narrowed. “You know I was. I told you I was going there, while we were standing right here.” She jutted one finger at his chest as more tears streamed down her cheeks. “You were parading Peg in front of me, just like you did two months ago so I wouldn’t get any ideas about us. Well, I don’t have any! Mission accomplished.”
Christ, he’d known not paying attention this morning would come back to bite him in the ass. It served him right, but Nichole didn’t deserve it. “Please, listen. I swear—I didn’t realize you would be there. I—Fuck!—I was distracted while you were talking, you had that robe on and your knee kept showing. I didn’t hear what your plans were with Lindy. I didn’t even see you at the bar, but I promise you, running into Peg was purely coincidental. She and I are just—”
Nichole’s eyes flashed daggers. “If you say just friends…damn it—”
“No.” Exasperated, he gripped her shoulders, needing her to understand. “Forget Peg. I was there with Jack. I needed to talk to someone, and my best friend wasn’t an option, as she was the topic of my discussion.”
“That much I can relate to.” Nichole softened in his hands, and her head dropped forward. A long sigh slipped free. “Oh God, Matt. I’ll never forgive myself if I lose you.”
“That won’t happen.” His voice was tight, stiff. “Nichole, look at me.”
Her eyes welled and fresh tears leaked down her cheeks. She shook her head at him. “I saw the look on your face! You were still inside me, and suddenly everything changed. You shut me out. Because when you looked at me, I know you saw into my heart…I couldn’t hide anymore, and you saw it.”
“I’m sorry, baby.” His anger washed away with her tears, and guilt ate at his gut. “You have it so wrong. I shouldn’t have left you like I did. I was…a coward. I shouldn’t have let you think it was because of the way you felt.”
She gasped for air, her lips quivering as she sobbed out her fears. “I’m terrified I’ve ruined everything.”
“No,” he reached for her, unable to force more out of his tightening throat until she rested in his arms, her face against his chest, his hands smoothing her hair. “Nichole, you’ll never lose me. Never. No matter what happens, we’ll always be together.”
“I need you so much,” she dragged in a deep breath. “I thought—I don’t—I don’t know.”
Taking her cheek in his palm, he forced her gaze up to meet his. “Nothing can come between us. I should have trusted that and been honest about how I felt. How it was last night, how it’s been for years.”
“What are you saying?” Her eyes glistened, and she bunched her fists in the fabric of his shirt even as she tried to push him back.
“You were right. I did see something when we were together, and it terrified me. I shouldn’t have run off the way I did, but I needed to get my head together. I had to think…everything through. I was about to make the biggest gamble of my life. ”
“What—?” Nichole blinked away her tears. Confusion and what looked like hope filled her eyes in their stead. It drove him forward, bolstering his conviction.
“Nichole, you are the most commitment phobic person I’ve ever met. You don’t do long-term relationships. Never even seem to want one. That’s a frightening prospect when a guy considers pushing past the security of the most important friendship in his life. So I’ve always refused to go there.” He took a deep breath and forged ahead. “I can’t pretend anymore. I love you. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. I fought it in high school when you were my brother’s girlfriend, ignored it when we were in college because I couldn’t risk our friendship, and I’ve been denying it ever since. But after last night and this morning, knowing what it can be like between us and seeing the way you looked at me…I can’t not risk it. I want it all. I want you and me. I want us. I want forever. In my heart, I know it’s right.”
“Oh.” She shook her head, an incredulous expression on her face. “You’re wrong, Matt.”
The words slashed through him and he turned away, groaning. “Oh, God.”
Nichole’s stomach dropped as she realized the error of her word choice. This man had just told her everything she’d longed to hear and, instead of jumping into his arms, she’d inadvertently rejected him. She gripped his hand, her heart soaring with the knowledge that h
e loved her. This was her opportunity to finally explain.
“No, I mean you’re wrong about me. I’m not the fickle, waffling woman you think I am. I’m the most dementedly, unwaveringly, obsessively committed woman you’ll ever meet. I’ve been in love with the same man for twelve years, and no matter how many times and how many ways he made it clear that friends was all we’d ever be, I couldn’t let him go long enough to allow another man into my heart. I tried. I tried to be happy with other guys; I tried not to want you. And there were times when I could almost convince myself that I didn’t. But it was a lie.” Her hand stroked his cheek, her eyes begging him to understand, to believe. “All I’ve ever wanted is you.”
Matt’s breath burst out of his lungs and he hauled her into his arms, covering her mouth with his own in a crushing kiss that screamed possession. She embraced his hungry claim, opened herself wide to him, taking his tongue and meeting it with her own. Her body pressing his, molding to the hard planes of his form.
Matt broke the kiss and took a step back. “Wait right here.” He dashed for the front door, and her brow furrowed into shocked denial. He was not running out on her again. Was he? No. He stopped just inside the door to bow down and sweep up a large paper bag that appeared to be overflowing with…roses. Then he rushed back to her wearing a devastating grin. “So you aren’t commitment phobic after all?”
“No.” Her breath came haltingly after the intensity of their kiss, but there was no hesitation in her answer. “Not even a little bit.”
A spark of sweet mischief lit Matt’s face, and Nichole’s heart melted into a pool within her chest. He withdrew one bouquet after another, three dozen exquisite, long stemmed roses in total. “So this won’t overwhelm you, then?”
Her arms laden with floral perfection, all she could do was laugh and shake her head.