by Borel, Stacy
“Oh, I’m sorry, sir, she’s going to be out of the office for the next two weeks and can’t be reached. I can direct you to another salesperson if you’d like?”
My stomach dropped. She was gone? For the next two weeks? Where on earth was she?
“Do you have any idea where I can find her? It’s an emergency.”
She sounded skeptical when she said, “Sir, I’m not allowed to give you that information, but as it turns out, she didn’t tell us where she was going. Like I said, I can transfer you to someone else if this is a business related call.”
“Uh, no, that’s okay.” I hung up on her.
I looked at the front of the house and shook my head. She was gone, and nobody knew where she was. My dad was dead, and my girl was gone. Life just went from shit to having absolutely nothing to live for.
Years ago, when I was a kid, my mom took me to a very small town northwest of Mountain Home called Salmon, Idaho. I never forgot how magical it felt. It was a little place surrounded by mountains and natural hot springs. Even as a child, I could appreciate the beautiful pinks and purples that illuminated the mountains when the sun set. I’d never been anywhere that I loved more. As it turned out, my grandmother owned a small cabin on a private lake up there. When she died, instead of leaving it to my mom, she left the property to me. I was only ten years old when I inherited the cabin, but it was something that I treasured. It was also a place that I’d kept secret from everyone—including Emilyn. Nobody else knew about my private oasis except for the lawyer and my mother, and that was only because they’d signed the papers on my behalf.
As soon as I rolled into Salmon, I stopped at the grocery store and bought some essentials to help me make it through the week. When everything was packed up, I made the twenty minute drive up the mountain. When I rounded the corner and saw the cabin in front of the lake, I sighed with relief. I’d been driving for several hours and hadn’t slept since the night before so I was exhausted. First thing on the agenda, unpack groceries. Second thing, sleep.
The cabin was exactly as I’d remembered it. I grabbed all of my bags and went inside. The windows were closed up, and it smelled musty—not to mention it was freezing. Winter was fast approaching, and up here in the mountains I would likely see some snow before I went back home. I put the groceries down and found the bag that held the firelogs and matches. Getting the fire started turned out to be pretty simple. I hadn’t really spent too much time up here during the winter months and I had been slightly nervous that I wouldn’t be able to get the fire going. But I managed fine and mentally patted myself on the back.
After the groceries were unpacked, and new bedding put on the bed, I slid in between the freezing cold sheets and quickly fell asleep, but not before my mind replayed Kyler’s harsh words … You’re nothing to me.
I was on my way home from my Dad’s funeral. I honestly didn’t know how I’d made it through. I had to hold my mom up several times during the service. During the eulogy she’d wailed so loud that we’d had to escort her into another room so she could calm down. Then, at the gravesite, she started to collapse when they lowered my Dad’s casket into the ground. I’d stayed strong up until that very moment too, but when I threw a clump of dirt on top of the shiny wood, the tears started to stream silently down my face. His death was so final for me in that moment.
Two days had passed since I’d found out that Harper had left. Two days, and nobody knew where she was or where I could find her. I’d visited her office yesterday and practically went postal on her poor office assistant. Ignoring her protests, I went into Harper’s office and searched every desk drawer and file for anything that might tell me where she was, but I came up empty handed.
I left there broken and beaten down. It didn’t help that right after I left, I had to meet Finn and my mom at the funeral home to finish making arrangements. This was officially the lowest point of my life thus far.
People came pouring into the house carrying flower arrangements and food. Why anybody felt it necessary to bring flowers when they’d die in a few days anyway always confused me. I made note to throw them away as soon as they all left. Same went for the food. Why bring food, when most people are usually too depressed after the death of their loved one to even think about eating?
All of the guys from the band came to support me and my mom today. Anders, Sonny, and Levi shook my hand and told me how sorry they were. It was Lincoln that shocked me. The normally quiet and broody guy took one look at me and then gave me a bear hug. I stood there, unsure of what to do or how to react, but the guys walked away and gave me some space.
Finn looked over at me. “That was fucking weird, dude.”
I chuckled. “It was, wasn’t it?”
We were both laughing but slowly stopped. We sat in the kitchen watching the people come in and out, each offering their condolences to me and my mom. I was thankful that my mom had her friends to comfort her. I supposed it made me feel good having them around her, when they’d known her and my Dad since high school.
Finn’s phone started to ring. Paris Hilton’s “Turn You On” played and he looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders and he laughed.
“Your Dad just died and yet you still felt the need to change my ringtone?”
“Why fix what isn’t broken, dude?”
He was chuckling when he answered the phone. “Hey, Tiny Girl, how are my girls doing?”
Hearing him talk to Em like that made my heart ache. I really missed Harper, and I couldn’t help but feel like all of this wouldn’t feel so hard if I’d had her hand to hold through the day. She would have given me the strength to deal with all these people, my mom, my own feelings. As Finn spoke, I heard him say something about Harper. I watched him while he listened. He nodded his head, and said a lot of ‘uh-huhs’ and ‘yeahs.’ Eventually, he hung up the phone and looked over at me.
“Spill it, man. I’m already worn thin today.”
He said, “Em told me that Harper has a hidden key under a rock in her flower bed in the backyard. I guess it’s one of those fake rocks. She’s really worried about her and doesn’t like that Harper didn’t tell her where she was going. Em wants you to go to Harper’s and see if you can find anything that might suggest where she’s gone.”
I stood up and started moving for the door. Finn grabbed me by the arm and I stopped to look at him.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, but maybe let Em know that I’m on my way over there, and tell her I’ll give her a call the moment I find something.”
“Alright, man. But … what about your mom?”
I looked over at her as she sat in the living room, surrounded by her friends.
“I think she’ll be okay for right now. Just go hang with the guys and I’ll let you know what’s up.”
What would normally have been a ten-minute drive took me half the time. When I got to Harper’s place, I went around back and found the rock that the key was under. How did I not know that she had a hidden key?
When I unlocked her front door, I walked in and went straight to her bedroom. The smell almost brought me to my knees—it smelled just like her. Being surround by her things and her space, my chest ached. I didn’t know where to start.
There were clothes strewn across the made bed. I walked into the bathroom and noticed a few things missing. Her toothbrush was gone, the perfume she normally wore wasn’t in its usual place, and her bathrobe was missing from the back of the door. I didn’t think I’d find anything in there so I went to the nightstand by the bed. Not surprisingly, there was a vibrator—at least she hadn’t taken that, I thought. There were little things like a pen, notepaper, a romance novel, and an old watch.
I went through everything I could in her room, including her dresser and the few shoeboxes I found in the closet, but I came up empty. Moving on to the kitchen got me nowhere either. She had one junk drawer but it only had take-out menus and pens. The fridge had a couple of magnets that held a phot
o of her and Em, a new one of Allie, and in the middle was a picture of me playing the guitar. She must have taken it when I wasn’t looking the last time I was in the recording studio. At least she hadn’t taken it down.
I was getting frustrated. She didn’t have a room that she used as an office, and she didn’t have a desk in her house. Where else could I possibly look? I went to the front hallway closet and looked on the top shelf. Hmmm … there was a lock box. Thankfully it wasn’t locked and I was able to lift the lid. There were several papers that looked like documents. My eyes scanned the papers for any sort of hint that this was what I was searching for.
“Please, please, please,” I quietly whispered.
Then my eyes landed on a piece of paper that looked odd. What on earth was this? It looked like a deed, but for what? Pulling out my phone, I called Em.
“Ky, have you found anything?” I heard the baby fussing in the background and Em sounded concerned.
“I’m not sure, actually. Do you know anything about a deed to some land in Salmon, Idaho?”
She was quiet, then said, “No. I don’t think I do. What does it say?”
“Well, it looks like some land with a house on it was given over to Harper when she was really young, after her grandma passed away. It states she’s the sole owner.”
“I didn’t even know she had a grandma. Do you think maybe that’s where she went?”
I sighed in frustration. “I really don’t know, Em. I’ve looked all over this house and come up with nothing. At this point I’m desperate and willing to make the long drive just to see. I have to find her.” I dragged my hands through my hair. “I’ve screwed up so bad.”
Her voice was soft and soothing. “I know, Ky, but she loves you. That is never going to change. This can still be fixed, I just know it.”
“I don’t know, Em. Either way, it looks like I’m heading north. I have no choice.”
“Well, call me when you can. And, Ky?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m really sorry about your Dad. He was a good man, and he was too young to die.” I could hear her sadness through the phone.
“Thanks, Em.”
I swallowed my emotion. Looked like I was taking a road trip.
The day was overcast with temperatures in the low forties. I decided to brave the cold and go and sit outside on the dock in one of the Adirondack chairs. The lake was flat as could be, without a single ripple to be seen. I’d brought a small quilt with me, and I wrapped it tight around my body to stay warm while I breathed in the crisp air.
The past few days had been really hard. I knew that Ky would be burying his father sometime soon, and it felt incredibly weird not being there for him. I’d imagined myself holding his hand during the services, giving him and his mother my support. And late at night, when we’d lay in bed, I’d wipe away his tears. I couldn’t even imagine what he must be going through right now. The not knowing was killing me. I lay in my bed at night, wiping my own tears, unable to comfort myself. I’d had to stop myself making the drive into town just so I could get a single bar of signal on my phone to call him. I was desperate to hear his voice … but I wouldn’t do that to him.
You’re nothing to me.
Those four words haunted me at night. I no longer dreamed of my father leaving me alone to go get high, or of him being kicked out by my mother.
No, my nightmares consisted of a dark dingy bar that smelled of cigarette smoke, and the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen telling me that he never wanted to see me again. His words were crushing, and at first I’d felt so angry with him for believing that I would have moved on while he was going through one of the hardest times in his life. But the anger had dissipated, and now I would give up my whole life just to feel his arms around me again. I’d never been lost without a man, and it was a foreign feeling for me.
I wasn’t sure how my body continued to produce tears after I’d cried so many, but thinking about Kyler caused more to stream down my cheeks. They felt so cold in the cool wintery air. I was just about to get up and go back into the house to make a sandwich when I heard footsteps behind me. I was startled—there wasn’t anything around me within a twenty-mile radius. Before I was able to turn around, I heard the sweetest voice my ears had heard all week.
“Jesus Christ, Harper, is that you?”
My breath caught in my throat. I stood with the blanket still wrapped tightly around me, I turned slowly to find Kyler standing in front of me, his hair messy, and his eyes tired, but no less beautiful than the first time I set eyes on him. I noticed he wore black dress pants and a white button down shirt that was open with a white V-neck undershirt. I looked at him … watching him, worried that if I even moved he’d be gone. This couldn’t even be real. Maybe I was really losing it and I was making him up. But then, the slightest breeze brought the scent of him to my nose.
Overcome with emotion, I collapsed to my knees. I brought my hands up to my face and I started to sob uncontrollably. I ended up wailing out the world’s longest run on sentence.
“Ky, oh, Ky! I’m so sorry. I swear to you I didn’t kiss him. You have to know that I didn’t kiss him back, I was coming to see you and he wouldn’t let me leave, and I was getting up to walk out the door, and he held me there, then he kissed me, and then you came in and … and … and …” I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t even look at his face.
He rushed to me and fell to his knees at my feet. He brought both of his hands up to either side of my face and lifted my head up to look at him. My hair was in a messy bun, and small tendrils of hair had fallen out, stuck to my tear-soaked cheeks.
“Shhh, Harper. It’s okay, baby, I know. I know everything.”
He knew everything? But how? I searched his eyes for answers.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You can’t just leave like that again, you understand me? I thought I’d lost you. Em’s been worried sick, nobody knew where you were. Your office wouldn’t even tell me anything.”
He looked absolutely frazzled. But I didn’t understand. He’d been looking for me?
I sniffled. “What do you mean you were looking for me? But … you said you didn’t want to see me again. You … you said I was nothing to you.”
Now it was his turn to look confused.
“When did I say I never wanted to see you again, and that you are nothing to me? I would never say those words.”
I looked into his brown eyes and realized that he’d probably been so drunk that night that he didn’t even remember speaking to me. Oh my God! This realization brought on a whole new wave of emotion.
“Harper, you’re worrying me. Please talk to me?”
“I went to the bar the other night, Ky. I saw you. I spoke to you. You told me the most awful things and …” I stopped and swallowed. My head felt like it was in a haze thinking about it for what had to be the millionth time. “You said you never wanted to see me again. I left there and needed to get away.”
So many emotions passed across his features in a few short seconds. At first it was confusion, then realization, then anger. He remembered why he’d been angry at me. Oh God, I didn’t think I’d be able to let him go after having him hold me like this again. If I had to, I’d cling to him like a crazy person, and he would have to pry me off.
“Fuck, Harper, I don’t even remember anything from that night. My Dad had just died, I was totally wrecked, and I thought my girl wanted to be with someone else. I even woke up in my fucking car the next day.”
I shook my head and spoke softly. “I’m so very sorry about your Dad, Ky. He was a great man.”
Tears welled in his eyes. He gave a curt nod and swallowed a few times.
“I can’t lose you, Harper. Not right now, not when I need you most. I’ve been such an idiot, and I don’t blame you if you don’t forgive me, but I can’t let you leave me. The day that my Dad died was a really bad day for me and obviously I said some really terrible things, and I doubt I could bear to hear you re
peat them.
“But I’m begging you, Harper, please forgive me. Say you’ll be with me? I’m nothing without you. I’m barely even a man without you in my life. Please.”
Ky has never looked more devastated than he does right now. He needs me to understand and forgive. “I love you, Harper.” His voice cracked.
I tentatively reached up and touched his cheek with my fingertips. He clenched his eyes shut. My mind was trying to catch up with what he’d just said. He said he wanted me … that he wanted to be with me. And he’d said he loved me. Ky had never said the words to me before, even after I’d said them to him. My heart felt so full that it seemed like it would burst. I laid my palm flat against his cheek and leaned in to kiss him softly on his lips. When our mouths met, it was as if any tightness in his chest loosened and his shoulders sagged. Ky wrapped his arms around me and kissed me with so much passion that it made my head spin. I pulled away slightly and looked at him.
“I love you too, Ky. But I need you to promise me that you’ll never run off without giving me a chance to explain myself again. I want you to remember that I will always be yours, and that’s never going to change. I just need you to trust me, even when you’re going through a hard time, and even when you’re feeling jealous. Just let me help you through those moments. I need this promise from you, Ky. If you can’t give it to me, then tell me now, because I can’t go through this again.”
He kissed the tip of my nose, then brushed over each of my eyes, and finally my mouth. He nibbled on my lip, then spoke against my mouth. “Never again. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we never go through this again. I promise you.”
“Oh thank God. I was convinced I was going to have to wrap myself around you like a monkey and you wouldn’t ever be able to get me off.” I smiled my first smile in days.
I felt his shoulders shake with laughter.