by Pamela Ann
I was lucky enough that no one was in my way as I headed to Carter’s room, maddeningly sprinting towards the bathroom before I turned the shower on because I needed a good cleansing. After last night events … I shivered at the thought of what I had let happen.
Dirty, disgusting whore—that was what I was.
Tears rolled heavily down my face as I recalled it over and over again.
“Why?” I cried out, choking.
No one would respect me once they found out what I had done. No man, not even my best friends, would see me in the same light. What man would want a woman who was keen on drugs? On top of that, she also let her body be keen on a man having his way with her while under the influence?
All the blaming, all the self-hate wouldn’t be enough to punish me. On some level, I knew I needed to find out the truth from Rob. He and I both knew I had told him not to do it, yet he had kept on. Then again, since Molly was known as the rape drug, was I even surprised that had happened? I didn’t want to portray it as rape, however. I mean, at some level, I felt good when he touched me, though my mind was telling me to stop it. It was all too confusing, and rehashing it persistently was driving me crazy.
I had to talk to Rob, or I wouldn’t have any closure. If he and I were decent friends, he would fess up and admit he had done me wrong, that he had taken advantage of the situation. Then he needed to apologize and promise to never let it happen to me or to any other woman ever again.
Ten minutes later, I was dressed in black sweats on a hot summer day, a total contrast to the sexy cutout outfits I had been sporting since I got back. There was this profound need to cover up, as if I felt safer with more clothes. It was pointless after what had happened already, but I had to wear some sort of armor to see him. I didn’t want to go in there again and let the horrid episode have a second run. No, I wouldn’t let that happen again.
If anything, I came out of the horrific incident not wanting to be under any influence of drugs. My recreational days were done and over with. This taught me a lesson—never trust that every single person you surrounded yourself with had the best intentions for you. They would find a way to take advantage when you were at your weakest. And that was what I had been—so weak and high out of my fucking mind that I couldn’t control what was going to happen next. I had given all my desires up the moment I decided to take a drug that was known for such events while surrounded by people I barely knew.
Upon entering Rob’s rented house, I found people were still passed out in the most unconventional places. Some were on the floor or sleeping on top of someone. It was completely vile. The house parties I was used to with my friends were crazy, as well, but not to this extent. Weed was the only thing allowed, and if people gave out harder drugs, they would usually be booted from the house.
Bracing myself as I retraced the path back to the bedroom where I had left Rob sleeping, I felt like all the air was being punched out of my stomach as I recoiled from the horrid images that played out in my mind. Even though this was the last place I wanted to be in, I needed to speak to Rob, or I wouldn’t ever know.
I wasn’t necessarily surprised to find him still in bed like he hadn’t moved since I had left over an hour before. He probably hadn’t given how fucked up he had been after mixing a cocktail of Molly and prescription drugs.
Biting my lip, I used my foot to somewhat kick his leg to wake him, as I couldn’t fathom using my hand to touch him at that point. Looking down on his passed out body made my skin crawl. This man fucked me last night, and I wanted to murder him.
Seeing that he was unmoving, I kicked him harder. Thank goodness it worked, or I would have used a knife to stab him in the foot because I was just so angry at him for what he had done to me.
Rob grumbled his complaints of being woken up while I took deep breaths to control my anger before I shot out my first question, past caring if he was sleepy or half dead.
“Did you use protection?” I couldn’t recall if he had, because everything came in flashes with no fluidity, and I couldn’t fucking rely on that.
“Of course I did. Come the fuck on!” He rolled his eyes at me like I was boring him already and not worth his time.
Wow, this fucker had changed his tune from last night’s high praises.
Taking a short breath, I decided to bite the bullet. “Rob, about last night…” I trailed off, trying to gather the courage to face the ugliness. “You … well … You had sex with me, and … I don’t know why you kept going when I wasn’t all the way with you.” I was carefully choosing my words so I didn’t come off accusing or ready to attack. I just wanted the truth and to understand his point of view. After all, the Rob I used to know wouldn’t be capable of doing such horrendous acts.
Opposite of what I was expecting, he immediate took offense as he jumped off the bed and put his jeans on, giving off the vibe that he was ready to face me head on.
“Oh, come the fuck on, sweets. You were high and practically begging to be fucked. Don’t be rude and try to ruin our friendship by accusing me of raping you!” He was almost laughing it off, but I could see he was far from being amused.
“But you did,” I shakily shot back, feeling a little crazy because he was twisting what had happened between us. Swallowing the bile that rose up my throat, I tensed as I threw him a cutting look. “That’s what you did. I don’t recall ever saying yes, Rob. I never said yes.”
He immediately turned red, ticked off. “But you don’t recall a lot of shit, do you? You were fucking high off your ass, Amber!”
I had been … so fucking high … and so fucking horny at the same time that, even if I hadn’t really wanted to have sex, I seemed to have ended up having it. Consequently, who was to blame, really?
I was so confused. Coming here to confront him and even try to straighten the facts with Rob hadn’t done anything to help me at all.
“So that’s it, then? You’re just going to lay the blame on me?”
“Blame? You enjoyed it as much as I did, every damn second of it. You were wet as fuck in case you don’t remember that, either.”
I wished I could yell back and tell him he was lying, but he wasn’t. Every word he uttered was fucking right. After all the effort to come to this place again, to be slapped by something like this—the truth—left me speechless. I mean, my mind had been against it, but my body had been too wired to think for itself. As a result, where did that leave me?
“If word gets out about you accusing me of this shit, I have people to back me up. You were into it as much as I was,” Rob vehemently said, leaving me cold.
For a moment, I stared at him, wondering what the truth was. If it wasn’t rape, then what was it? I felt like he was manipulating me to believe his version of the truth, even if I wasn’t so easily convinced of the bullshit he was feeding me.
On the verge of tears and with my body about to violently shake from anger, I whispered a quick goodbye and took my exit. I just couldn’t—wouldn’t—stand there while Rob kept pointing fingers at me without even having remorse about the aftermath or any consideration about my feelings and what I was going through emotionally. He was basically brushing me off as though I was not important, as if for me to go through this was madness, that it was mad for me to even question any of it. After all, it wasn’t rape, even if I hadn’t given consent, not entirely.
It didn’t take long to get back to Carter’s house, and then it was frustrating that I had to park a block away because there were no available spots around due to another house party. Did these guys ever tire of boozing and whoring? I mean, I knew it was summer, but hell, that shit happened on a nightly basis.
Since I was parked a little farther, I dragged each step towards the house, taking my time to process everything while drying the moisture in my eyes. Clearly, I was upset, and as much as I wanted to channel all of it to Rob, I couldn’t. After the confrontation I had just had with him, it sounded like, if there was anyone to blame, it would be me. However, I didn’t
want to go in there and be a complete mess. Cooper and Brody would be out for blood. And it would have been fine had I known what it truly was.
Emotionally and mentally, I was chaotic madness. My thoughts kept jumping to and fro, the endless self-loathing and name-calling driving me to a darker place, one far worse than what I was used to.
I felt so alone and didn’t have it in me to tell Trista, the person closest to me. I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing something so unbearable. The very idea of saying it out loud … I just couldn’t handle it.
Letting out a heavy sigh, I held my breath as I pushed the front door open, entering the foyer and anticipating the sickening sound of happy, partying people, a noise that brought me back to last night.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Amber?” Cooper’s voice halted my deteriorating sanity as he closed in on me before I felt his arms envelop me in a warm hug.
My body immediately stiffened, dead as a log. I knew this was Cooper—I fucking grew up with him—but being near a man … It was too soon for me. I just couldn’t help my instant reaction, and that was to shut up immediately.
Normally, I would be cheerful, joking about him or the party, but right now, my brain was blank. I couldn’t sum up a word to save my life.
Cooper’s frown was deepening by the second as he stared at my odd appearance and attitude.
“You don’t look okay,” he observed, voicing out the obvious less than stellar state I was in.
Granted, I hadn’t applied any make-up or bothered doing anything to my semi-wet hair, but looking pretty was the furthest thing from my mind when I had left the house, scrambling to figure out how to confront Rob without alarming him.
Making a wan smile, I avoided his intent gaze.
“I’m just … probably still hung over,” I meekly whispered as I tried to make my way towards the stairs, avoiding any more of his questions I wasn’t ready nor prepared to answer.
Heavily, I could feel his scrutinizing eyes on me, most likely puzzled and worried at my behavior. As much as I wanted to dwell on Cooper and where his thoughts might be, I was too consumed with my own shit storm.
How would I be able to dig myself out of this?
I was lost. I had weaved myself into a web where monsters liked to dwell.
After all that I had gone through with my almost overdose with my prior coke addiction a couple of years back, this was taking me to a dark, cold place, one I hadn’t been in for so long, yet I didn’t have the willpower to stop it.
And I was truly petrified.
This time, I couldn’t falsely comfort myself into believing this was just a process I had to get through to get my family off my back about my addictions. This … This was different.
God help me, because I would need all the courage I could summon, more than anything.
I had such grant optimism leaving Athens after witnessing the marriage of my dear friend to the man she had fought for and loved. Never had it occurred to me that my life was about to be shaken up in such a way, challenging every ounce of my sanity and robbing me of safety and comfort and my self-worth.
Of all things, I hadn’t in a million fucking light years ever considered this happening to me.
But it had. I was a victim of date rape.
Chapter Sixteen
“Amber?” Brody’s voice came through the door just as he heavily pounded against it. “You’ve been holed up in that room for the last day. Are you sick or something? Do you need medicine?”
In some respects, I was ill. I was sick to my stomach. How could I face him after what had occurred? I was damaged goods now. I was definitely an equivalent of garbage. No decent man would see me the same.
“Amber, open the fucking door!” he demanded again while fumbling with the door handle, as if it would open the more he messed with it.
Gathering up courage, I held my breath before deciding to respond to him.
“I’m fine. I just need some sleep. I’m still jet-lagged,” I meekly croaked out, hoping he heard my poor excuse.
Although his apparent concern deeply touched me, I was too weak to move from my curled up position in bed. After crashing the prior day, I hadn’t moved from this spot apart from using the bathroom. I remained confined there because it was the safest place I could think of, the only place where I felt as if I could sleep without feeling like someone was going to take advantage of me. Even if there were parties in the house, everyone knew the upstairs was off-limits, or you would get in trouble with the boys.
Cooper and Brody, though they were mostly drunk these days, would do anything to protect me. I knew that much.
“Amber.” He paused, sounding as if he was getting frustrated that I wasn’t giving in to him like I normally would. “If you need anything, I’m here.”
Still and silent, I listened to him with my heart breaking all over again. Thank you, I quietly thought as I clutched my hand against my heart, waiting with bated breath until he left me alone. Brody stood there for a minute or two before I heard his retreating footsteps.
Tomorrow, I had scheduled a check-up with a gynecologist. I knew Rob said he used protection, but in all honesty, I just couldn’t trust any word he said, and it was better to be safe than sorry. The last thing I needed to ice this shitty cake would be a fucking STD. If he gave me something, I would murder him in his sleep. He could count on it.
I barely slept a wink due to some graphic scenarios plaguing my mind, from different types of sexual diseases to how badly it could have gone for me that night. It was like those things on the news. One would always think they wouldn’t put themselves in such a weak position, but it happened, and now I had to live with the consequences. As a result, I woke up feeling like I was on trial and awaiting verdict.
The moment I was greeted by the doctor, I had to specifically ask for the expedited examination, one where the results would be available in four to five days instead of one week. I supposed someone was feeling sorry for me because everything came back negative. Regardless, those days I waited were full of trepidation and agony.
Also during those times, I barely conversed with Cooper and Brody. I didn’t want to give myself away. They knew me too well, and if I was giving off the explanation of jetlag, I had to stretch it for as long as I could. It wasn’t until the sixth day, the day after I got the clean bill of health, that I decided it was time to get out of the room and stop living in the shadows. I had to face my fears, come what may.
I could recall Trista getting through her terror before by consistently trying to distract herself, always on the go instead of wallowing in the past. As painful as it was, trying to get through day by day was a big step after the kind of trauma I had gone through with Rob. Maybe someday I would get the strength to really confront him the way I wanted to—without fear and without him making me feel as though I didn’t have the right to question anything that happened between us.
Upon deciding it was time to come out of hiding, I set out after taking a long, hot shower to have a light breakfast. I wasn’t sure if the fridge or pantry was stocked with food, but I would double check that before I went to the grocery store and did some shopping.
“Good morning,” Brody greeted me the second I breezed into the kitchen area, and I was a little shocked to find him there.
“You’re up early.” Directing him a pleasant smile, I paved my way towards the freshly made pot of coffee, helping myself to a cup.
“I’ve been up early for the past five days, hoping you’d come out and eat something.” He cleared his throat while I took my time pouring milk and sugar into my java. “Are you ready to talk about what’s been bugging you?”
Damn. He was that vigilant? Impressive.
Pausing, I took a lengthy breath before stirring the contents in my coffee. “Not really.” Not yet, not when everything was too fresh and the wounds still raw.
While he sat at the kitchen bar, I chose to stand opposite him, close to the sink. I was ready
to talk about anything else, perhaps Carter’s exciting new opportunity, but Brody was more interested in keeping the present subject alive.
“Listen, I know I was being a dick the last time we spoke here in the kitchen. I don’t want you to think you’re not welcome here, because you are.” He sought my eyes, seeming really concerned about me. “And if you have any reservations about it, Carter made sure to lecture us before he left, telling us that we’d answer to him if something bad happened to you.”
“He said that?” That was a nice of Carter. It really was, and it was going to take some time to get used to.
“Yeah, he did.” Pressing his lips together, his eyes seemed to probe further into me. “Are you all right?” he asked.
God, if he only knew. I wished I could just let all of my grievances out, but given that my relationship with Brody was complicated already, it felt like he wouldn’t be the right person to speak with about it … if I did ever decided to talk about it.
Holding my cup against my lips, I shook my head before I took a sip, hoping I wasn’t going to start tearing up in front of him or having a full-blown meltdown.
“In time, I just might be.”
“You’re still not angry with me, are you? I’m sorry. It’s just been tough, you know.”
“I’m not mad.” Not about him…
“Good,” he reluctantly said before adding, “I was actually wondering if you’d like to come out for dinner tonight.”
I almost spat the coffee out of my mouth as I stared widely at him, perplexed, while he appeared a little impish from the word date.
“Are you asking me on a date?” I cautiously asked, wondering if I had heard him right or if I had taken his intentions differently. I mean, if he was asking me on a date … Well, that would be monumental given that he never had. Everything we had done after he had dated Lindsey was, well, kept in secret. This was a first.