“I think I’m in one piece.” I hoped my tone would lighten the moment.
Max struggled with the box and then set it down on the floor in the corner of the hallway—right where I had wanted it. He turned back and offered me his hand. I took it. I smiled giddily at his warm grasp.
“What were you thinking, trying to lift a box that heavy?” Max frowned as he tugged me to my feet.
Max had a tendency to lecture me now and then. I was pretty sure most of the time that it was only out of concern.
“It was in the way.” I leaned against the entrance of the living room. I jutted my body to the right. There was no time for a hair poof, but I did manage a seductive mile.
“Uh.” Max glanced away from me.
I noticed a blush creeping up the side of his neck toward his cheeks. I was feeling quite proud of having such an impact on him.
“Don’t be shy, Max. Come in, have a drink.” I tried to make my voice sound a little deeper than usual, just to add a sexy element to our encounter. It was all an attempt to be a little more brave.
Chapter 8
Max glanced over at me. The blush had reached his cheeks. An amused smile played at his lips.
“What is it?” My attempt at seduction faltered. Had I ripped my pants? Had he seen too much when helping me up? Whatever the issue was, it was not making me feel very confident.
“You’ve got something on your shirt.” He put his hand over his mouth as if he was coughing.
I knew him well enough to know that he was covering up laughter. I looked down at my shirt and soon discovered just why he was laughing. When the box had tipped over against my chest it had left powder imprints on my breasts and the curve of my belly.
“Just great!” I shook my head. I could either be furious or join in on the laughter. So I joined in. Even though I was fuming inside. “Let me just change real quick. There’s wine in the kitchen.”
“Alright.” Max nodded and walked into the kitchen.
He was as comfortable in my kitchen as he was in his own. He spent nearly as much time in my apartment.
I hurried into my bedroom and stripped out of the shirt. I, of course, had chosen to wear a snug black top that had done nothing to hide the soap imprints. I grabbed a looser top and tossed it on over my head.
On my way out of the bedroom I stepped on the damp jeans I had left on the floor earlier. I had been so busy with the box that I’d forgotten to pick up my clothes. It was not a huge deal. Max had seen my place messy tons of times. I tossed the jeans into my hamper and walked back out into the living room.
“Soap free!” I plopped own on the couch.
My entire attempt at being positive and brave had suddenly disappeared. I was feeling pathetic and unimportant as I stared at the glass of wine Max offered me. I took the glass with a frown.
“Why so glum?” Max sat down on the couch beside me.
I pulled a smile to my lips and turned to look at him. “I’m fine.”
He raised an eyebrow as he studied me. “This is me—Max. Remember? Your best friend forever, who can always tell when you’re lying?”
I sighed and nodded a little. “I know, I know.”
“What’s going on? When you called me this morning you were so excited, and now you’re acting like someone ran over your pet bunny.” He frowned.
“I don’t have a pet bunny.”
“But if you did, and it got run over, I imagine this is how you would act.” Max looked at me with a completely serious expression.
“Oh, Max.” I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. “You must think that I’m so ridiculous. To think I was actually going to throw a party for myself, all because I lost a little weight.”
“Are you kidding?” Max stared at me. “I know how hard you’ve worked to lose that weight, Sammy. You have every right to be proud of yourself. Besides, a party is always a good idea.”
“I lost weight. That’s it.” I shrugged. “I met this woman today who has painted with people from remote villages. She crushed berries to make art with people who had never even seen a cell phone, Max! That’s something that deserves a party. Not losing a few pounds that I’ve been trying to lose for over a year.”
“Hey, don’t compare yourself to other people. There is always going to be someone out there who has done it first, done it better, or done it more. That doesn’t mean that what you’ve done means any less. Is that what has you down?”
“I’m not down exactly.” I frowned. “I can’t really figure out what I am. I guess I’m just feeling a little lost. All of this time I spent telling myself that I was too heavy to do this or that. Now it feels like I’ve wasted so much of my life, just trying to lose weight.”
“Listen, maybe you’re right.” Max took a sip of his wine.
“What?” I looked over at him with surprise. He was usually very supportive and helpful.
“I agree with you.” Max shrugged. “I’ve been telling you for years that there is no reason for you not to be who you truly are. I’ve told you how beautiful you are—just the way you are. But you never believe me. You’ve missed out on a lot because you don’t see yourself the way I’ve always seen you.”
“How is that helpful?” I shot a glare in his direction. “You have to say that. You’re madly in love with me.” I laughed, feeling the sudden need to make the wishful statement into the joke that would be more typical of our banter.
But he held my eyes for a long moment—just long enough to make my breath catch in my throat.
“I say it because it’s true.” He set his glass down on the table beside the couch. “I’m not saying that losing the weight you wanted to lose isn’t a reason to celebrate. It is. But what you weigh shouldn’t dictate how you live your life. You’re an amazing person and you have endless opportunities before you. You can either hide out, waiting for that moment when your reflection in the mirror will be exactly what you want, or you can be proud of who you are right now and see what the world has to offer.”
I tried not to swoon right then and there. How did Max always know exactly what to say to me?
Chapter 9
It was as if Max could see straight into my soul.
“How would I even start? I’m so used to my routine. I don’t have any idea how to shake it up.”
“You know, when my uncle found out he had cancer, he was pretty upset.” Max sat forward on the couch. “While he was waiting for the results to see how bad it was, he decided to write this list of everything he had ever wanted to do in life that he wouldn’t get the chance to do if the cancer was very bad.”
“Like a bucket list?” I asked. “I’ve heard of those.”
“Yes. It turned out the cancer was treatable, but he still started doing things on his list. He sat me down one day and showed it to me. He said that we never know how much time we have left, how many experiences we might never have if we keep putting them off. He told me not to wait until I was sixty to really live my life.”
“That’s why you’re always looking for a good time.” I grinned at him.
“You can laugh about it all you want—but yes, I want to have fun. I want to experience pleasure. I don’t want the traditional pattern of life to stop me from living my life to the fullest. You know what I mean?”
“I guess so.” I nodded.
I didn’t really want to agree with anything that might give Max permission to go out and find fun and pleasure in yet another woman that wasn’t me, but he was right. He lived his life a little differently than most. He worked hard, he paid his bills, but he chose where he wanted to be and who he wanted to be with. He didn’t respond very well to obligations.
“I think the point is, why wait? What’s stopping you from enjoying life right this second? Isn’t there something that you’ve been dying to do, Sammy?” He shifted closer to me on the couch.
Maybe it was because the lamp was shining directly on his face, or because there was a fleck of wine caught on his bottom lip. But I couldn’t lo
ok away from his mouth.
Yes, there was something that I’d been dying to do for a very long time. And that something was to kiss Max—not just a sisterly kiss that I’d shared with him before, but a real heated, passionate kiss. A kiss that would finally make things clear between us. That was what I really wanted to do. But I certainly was not brave or bold enough to do it.
“Sammy?” he asked.
I realized I had spaced out completely while I was gazing at his beautiful mouth.
“Huh?”
“Don’t you think that there’s something that you would love to do right this second?”
“Oh yes.” I gripped my wine glass a little tighter.
“So what is stopping you?” He looked into my eyes intently.
“You’re right.” I started to lean in to kiss him. I ignored all of the doubts in my mind. I did my best to muffle the alarms sounding throughout my body. My lips drew so close to his that when he suddenly shouted I felt the vibration of his voice.
“Sammy!”
I looked at him with horror. Was he so repulsed by the idea of kissing me that he was screaming?
Only then did I realize that I’d tipped my glass of wine. All of the contents of the glass had puddled in Max’s lap. I’d been so focused on kissing him that I hadn’t paid attention to my hands.
“Oh, Max, I’m so sorry!” I gulped and grabbed the nearest thing I could reach to sop up the wine.
As I began pressing the silky material into his wine-soaked pants, it slowly dawned on me that what I’d grabbed was not a towel or a rag. It was an article of clothing. My clothing—my bra, to be specific. The bra that I’d left to dry on the back of the couch and never picked up. Max sat perfectly still and tried not to look directly at me.
“It’s fine, Sammy. It’s fine, really.” He tried to wiggle out from under me.
I tossed away the wine-stained bra and tried to recover from the horror that I was feeling. How could I be so stupid? Why hadn’t I tidied up before he came over?
He stood up from the couch. His pants were still sopping wet.
“I’m sorry about the party, Sammy. Maybe it would be better if we finished it another night. I think I better go home and soak these pants.” He made his way toward the door. “Think about what I said.”
I felt horrible as I watched him walk away. He had taken the time to be there with me and I’d made it awkward. I had no idea if he knew that I was trying to kiss him when I spilled the wine in his lap. I could only hope that he thought it was just me being my usual klutzy self.
“I will.” I managed to stammer the words out. I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes.
“Sammy?” He waited by the door.
“What?”
“It’s really okay, you know. It’s not like it’s the first time that you’ve spilled wine on me. I’m sure it won’t be the last.” He laughed.
He always found a way to lighten things up.
“You’re right.” I grinned as I recalled the multiple times I’d spilled things on him. Finally I looked over at him. “Just drop your pants for me.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh my god! I mean drop your pants off at the laundromat tomorrow!” I felt my cheeks burn.
“Will do.” He laughed again. “But are you sure that’s what you meant?” He winked at me and stepped out of the apartment.
As the door swung shut behind him, I had to laugh at the whole evening. I flopped back against the couch and closed my eyes.
Chapter 10
Maybe attempting to kiss Max had been a little too bold for my first try at seizing the day.
I decided to comfort myself by looking up the idea of the bucket list. I sat down with my computer and began searching for other bucket lists online. Apparently it was quite a popular term.
There were tons of blogs and articles dedicated to it. What was even more interesting was the variety of purposes for the bucket lists. Some were bucket lists before graduating college. Others were bucket lists before having kids. One person had even started a bucket list for a dying dog. The most inspiring ones were the bucket lists created by people battling serious health conditions.
It made me realize that if these people could do it, despite all of the limitations that they were facing, I certainly could too.
My only limitation was my self-confidence.
In all of my searching I had not noticed a single bucket list dedicated to losing weight. I realized, as I considered what I truly wanted in life, that it wasn’t just the pounds that I wanted to lose. It was also the stigma of being overweight. It was my own notion of what that meant that had led me to being locked away in my own mind for so long.
“Yes,” I spoke out loud, as if expecting my apartment to hold me to my decision. “I’m going to make my own bucket list. I’m gong to write down every single adventure that I’ve ever told myself I couldn’t do, and I’m going to find a way to do it. Not next year, not when I get down to a size six, but right now. Tomorrow, the next day and every day, until everything is checked off that list.”
I grabbed my robe and wrapped it around me. Then I found a clean sheet of notebook paper. I sprawled across my bed and began thinking about all of the adventures that I’d denied myself over the years. I was sure that there were more than I could ever even imagine as I began filling out my list.
It wasn’t enough to simply write it down. I chose different colored pens to represent how I felt about it or what it involved. I drew little pictures in the margins beside the items to remind me of why each seemed like such a fun idea. If I felt the slightest bit of hesitation, I made sure to write the activity down on the list. This was about challenging the mentality that I had about waiting to do things—that I couldn’t succeed for any reason at my size.
I was up all night working on the list. I never got tired. As soon as I wrote one thing down, I was inspired to write another. My mind was packed with all of the fun that I’d missed that I promised myself I would no longer put off.
By the time the dawn light was filtering through my bedroom window, I felt as if I had created a truly sacred text. It was more important to me than any poem, any journal entry, I’d ever created. It was what my soul ached for, what I had denied myself for so long.
As I read over it for the thousandth time, I felt a hint of disappointment. It came out of nowhere and deflated me as if I’d been poked with a pin. I was sure that despite all of the effort that I had just put into the list, I was not going to accomplish anything on it. Just like many attempts at things in the past, I would get busy with life, and I would forget about it.
My best friend Max, the only person I could trust with something like this, I was not brave enough to reveal the list to. So there would only be me to encourage myself—to keep me honest about my activities. I knew that wouldn’t be enough. I needed to be accountable in some way or I risked all of the inspiration I’d felt flow through me throughout the night, disappearing into the mundane activities of day-to-day living.
The only way I had begun to make any real progress losing weight was by joining an online support group to keep me motivated. Then it struck me. All of those blogs that I had read about bucket lists had been created by regular people wanting to share their intentions with the world.
I was sure that I could do the same thing. I wouldn’t have to reveal who I was, but I would be able to share my highs and lows. I would also be able to get feedback and motivation from people who read the blog. Even if no one ever commented, I would know that there was the potential that someone out there in cyberspace had read what I’d written and would want me to continue. I felt it was the best way to make sure that I stayed true to my dream of bringing action into my life. The more I thought about it, the more excited I became. I added it to my list—right after the first item which I just had to do for fun.
Once I had my initial bucket list written, I felt as if I’d taken the first step on a true journey. It would be one of weight loss and courage
building. I was going to finally become the Sammy who splashed in puddles again.
Of course, it would probably take some time for me to overcome all of the barriers I’d built up to protect myself from the hurt and judgment of others. Now was as good a time to start as any. As Max’s uncle had reminded him, no one knew just how much time they had.
I was planning on making the most out of every remaining minute. I would be the woman who stood in the rain and shared her umbrella as well as her tales of adventures. It was one step, but there was no turning back.
Dear Reader,
The “Single Wide Female” books are written for every woman out there who has struggled with their weight, self-esteem and any number of issues that we all face as we work to become the best versions of ourselves that we can be.
They are meant to be light-hearted and fun, but I do hope that they will inspire you to live your life to the fullest, loving yourself completely as you do so.
If you’ve enjoyed this book, I’d really appreciate it if you would take a moment to let me know your thoughts. Please send me a note from the link below:
http://LilliannaBlake.com/contact/
*** Also, the first book of the Single Wide Female: The Bucket List series is currently free. :) You can see a preview for #1 Learn Pole Dancing on the next page. Just follow the link at the bottom of the preview to pick it up at Amazon.
Enjoy!
Sincerely,
Lillianna Blake
Please enjoy the following preview for
1 Learn Pole Dancing (Single Wide Female: The Bucket List)
Chapter 1
I ran my fingertips over the well-worn piece of notebook paper. It had ridges from the amount of times I’d folded it up and tucked it away. I had written the list at a time when I didn’t really believe I would ever actually accomplish anything on it. But I had, and now it was time to look at the next item.
I rolled over on my bed and stared down at it. When I had added it to my list, it was just a fun little whim, not something I thought I would actually do. But then again, I never would have thought I’d be able to lose so much weight either.
Sammy's Big Plan! (Single Wide Female #0.5) Page 3