“You know, young man, most people probably look at you today and think, wow he is really pissed off at something. That's not true though, is it?” asked the old lady standing next to me.
“How can you tell?” I asked her. This oughta be good, I thought.
“I know a broken soul when I see one. That look in your eyes, many times throughout my life, I've looked in the mirror and seen the very same one from myself. It won't get better, for some of us at least. Some of us are meant to wallow in the ditches of a passage and be pulled out a couple times only to be thrown back down into the mud and reminded that's where we belong. But not you. No. You're going to find an angel. You are a knight, but you don't wear shining armor. Your heart is too bludgeoned for that. But you certainly are a knight, and there is an angel out there for you.”
Was this lady serious? Had she just randomly cherry picked the most common analogy used for my love life? I was always described as a knight or a prince. More specifically, I was known as The Dark Prince because I was a tortured soul. I was always told I was destined for an angel. But how did she get that? Was this a setup?
Only one response came to mind. “I'm a knight in black, not in armor.”
She chuckled. “That's fitting. Your angel will lighten your life up. She won't erase the girl who's made you like this. But she will make that girl jealous that she never stood a chance. Only a poor soul could torture someone like you.” I humbly flashed her a smirk and lowered my head in respect. “And with that crack of a grin! Oh, you will find her, and she will fall in love with that little grin. I'm not going to tell you to feel better. Just remember, there are better things out there for some of us. And who knows, maybe that girl is your angel and she will come to her senses soon enough.”
Did I just meet the witch doctor?
A store employee approached me soon after the old lady walked away.
“Excuse me, sir. Is everything okay? Because I think you were just talking to the eggs.”
Shit.
Still, Diana had left me, and I deserved it. She was amazing. Those beautiful brown eyes surrounded by her platinum blonde hair never ceased to halt my attention directly on her. But Matt – She couldn't let him go. She had that fixation hanging over our heads for almost five months. This one I didn't know quite how to handle. Diana was so great, so sweet, so different. She surely was her own animal, she had her own problems. She had way too much of a need for alcohol even though she tried hard to hide it. She was judgmental and unkind at times. She did more than her fair share of alienating people with her severely negative attitude. But she was great.
And she was gone. I chewed her out, told her I needed her to be better. I stood up for myself, and then there I was on the final day of the year sitting alone in the living room of the SoCal Beach House. Ayrton was down in his bedroom. I was laying flat on my back staring at the ceiling.
Ayrton came up after an hour or so. I don't think I had even blinked yet.
“So where ya at, man?” he asked.
“At some point, caring stops being so important and protecting takes hold of your life. And I'm at that point, that crossroad where I need to make a decision. Continue to care and have my heart tormented by the scorn of those far less worthy or take the road most traveled and just not give a shit anymore. The road most traveled hides its imperfections, but the road I've been on shows all of its holes. So, where am I at? Simple. Would I rather see the potholes I'm about to hit or be blindsided by them like most people are?”
Ayrton took a moment to respond. “Hot damn dude. That's fucking deep.”
“She said I was the biggest mistake of her life.”
“Whoa, come on now. You were the biggest mistake of her life? Why? Because you treated her like a queen? Because you supported her? Look man, she was the one who lied to you from day one. She was the one who set you up. She was the one who didn't give you guys a chance. You did everything you could. I know you weren't perfect, you were probably far from it actually. Still, if you were the biggest mistake of her life, man that says everything about her and nothing about you. She's got some serious issues.”
“I just don't know anymore, man. I don't know how much more my heart can take.”
“You got the strongest heart of anyone I've ever met. And something's telling me this is just the beginning. You're gonna experience a lot more heartbreak, man. The greats always have their problems, this seems to be yours. I mean, look at all we've gone through so far. Dale's gone, Bryan's gone, your dad is gone. Mary-Margaret is off succeeding on her own without her other half, and so are you. The amount of stuff you've gone through, man, it's rough. It's not fair and it's unkind and you deserve better. But I gotta be honest, man. You deserve better than Diana too. She was a special character, no doubt. You two clearly had one hell of a firestorm romance. But if that's all it was meant to be, you gotta move on. I think there's something great right around the corner from us. Greatness finds you and that big heart of yours.” Ayrton said in one of his most memorable epic statements.
“I just don't know, man. This year has been as much of a nightmare as it's been a dream come true. How can someone live like this? The ups and downs are so sharp, so severe. I mean, what does it all matter if the end game is always the same? We love, we sacrifice, we give ourselves fully, and still we, as men, end up viewed as the asshole that didn't care. We are viewed as fragments of what we worked so hard to be for the ones we love. That's a tough one to choke down.”
“Don't change, Ryan. Always lead with your vulnerabilities. Never restrict your heart from loving. Love willingly, freely, and definitively. I know your heart is broken and hurting right now, man, just don't let it harden. You need to heal it. Let it be heavy and sad, and when the hurt finally goes away, let the darkness go and love again. You taught me a long time ago that true love is what the heart must seek and find. Take some time, clear your head, and know that your heart is a great judge of who it must send your love to. The proof of that is in your great friends. Look at the team you've built. Keep being strong and remember what it feels like to give love the way you gave it to Diana, because when you give love like that again and it comes flooding back at you in a love tsunami, you will be humbled and blown away in the most unfathomable way. Don't let this dystopia become your new reality.” We both sat in awe staring at the ceiling at this point.
“What. The. Fuck.” I responded.
“Holy shit. What the hell just happened with my mouth? It's like a painted a mural in the air. I mean, I see the beauty. I see it.”
“A tsunami? I mean, really?” I asked him.
“Hey, it works.”
Was Ayrton right? Was I about to find the girl whose love would flood back at me like a tsunami? No way. No chance.
- 7 -
The Year of Maddie
2005. The year did not start what I would call “well.” On the 3rd, the Seminoles lost to Penn State of all freaking teams in the Orange Bowl. Watching that game was gut wrenching to say the least. It only amplified how upset I already was. Ayrton was there with me, after the game he turned the TV off.
“Do you have any idea what it's like? To have the person you love go from loving you to hating you in no time flat? To have the person you love forget everything about you and make their own story up? To be ripped up into little pieces by a person who claimed to have loved you and left you for dead?” I asked him.
Ayrton took his time responding. He was staring at the floor, not even blinking. He was silent for several minutes before he finally responded.
“I don't know what it's like to be in your position. On the other hand... I know what it's like to be in hers. I've done the same thing to Seratti... I don't know how many times. Just did it again last week, too. I've never been strong enough to be like you, ya know? To put myself in the position to have someone else let me down. That takes strength, man. A lot of it. It takes the strength to trust and love fully. It takes the strength to believe that the other person isn't jus
t going to give up on you. It takes a strength that I don't have. You may feel weak right now, but you trusted. You loved. You believed. Don't let that girl take that strength from you. You never know who your strength inspires and when they might be watching. Don't let them down.”
I always thought that Diana was stronger than me. The joke about her throughout our relationship was simple. Why would I ever share an opinion? She was just going to do whatever she wanted to do, to hell with what I thought or believed. To hell with the consequences. I looked at her as the stronger one because her happiness was my weakness. I had to make her happy. I gave up so much of myself to make her happy, and it never helped anything.
“You gotta realize something, man. Diana was a rebound for you. Whether you want to admit it or not, you needed someone to unburden your soul after Mary-Margaret left. You put up with so much from her because you needed to feel that returned love. The reason it hurts so bad is she never returned the love to you. And she was never going to. I realize that probably sucks to hear and I'm sorry for that. I wish I knew to tell you something different,” Ayrton told me.
“But she was so special to me.”
“And she always will be special. But she was never the one for you. And if you ask me, you're gonna meet the right one here real soon. Until then, share some single malt with me. Drink up and understand that you will never be as alone as I am.” It was another one of Ayrton's strong moments, which he was having more and more of the older and wiser he got. He helped out that day. He used to make these moments frustrating more often than not. But now he was making them easier. He was giving me guidance, reason, and resolve.
“What were the three things Diana always told you she hated that people called her? I remember them. She hated being called a spoiled little rich brat. She hated being called lazy. And she hated being called a bully. People call her a spoiled little rich brat because she is one. People call her lazy because she is lazy. People call her a bully because she is a damn bully. She might have been special, but she wasn't special enough for your heart,” Ayrton concluded.
On the 9th, we were off to Montana for a vacation. It's an 18 hour journey from LA to Bozeman, Montana. I called Chase and had him get our housekeeper there to make sure nice warm beds were awaiting our arrival. We got in late at night and soon we were both out like a light in our own wings of the Mansion.
The next morning, it didn't take long before Ayrton was on the move.
“You headed out?” I asked Ayrton. He already had his beanie and puffy jacket on. That could only mean one thing. Shreddin' the gnar.
“Not yet, but seriously – Where else would I be on my first day back in the MT?”
“In some random bed with a college girl,” I said in all seriousness.
“You have no idea where I was last night.”
I left for campus to meet up with an old friend, Doc Vorachek. I met him at a local coffee shop years before and we'd kept in touch ever since. I loved being on campus. It was like a private oasis. Even though I was one of the most recognizable race car drivers in the world, nobody noticed me at Montana State. I could go there amongst the party, sex, and beer crazed students and in some strange, twisted way, I fit right in. Blended in would probably sound better.
I made my way to Willson Hall, the mainstay for the English department. I couldn't help but observe the incredible changes of scenery. Everything looked different after a couple years away. I hadn’t seen the place since we first bought the Montana Mansion. It was tragic to be here pre-mini skirt season, so many ladies I'd have killed to see a little leg on.
I entered the secretary's office in the English department expecting to see the same older lady I used to chat with, but she was gone. In her place – A young college student.
“Hi! How can I help you?” Her voice was simply angelic. Her perfectly shaded bright blonde hair was tucked neatly behind each ear with the help of a pair of thin clips. Her green eyes reflected anything that would become of them. Her skin was perfect, impressionably sincere. And her smile was something to die for. Bright, wide, and with warmth of a thousand suns.
“I, uhh – Hi. Where's Mrs. Hogg?” I asked.
“She's retired. I have her number if you'd like,” she said. I wouldn't mind getting your number, I thought. “My name is Maddie, I'm the new student secretary. Are you here to see Linda?”
“Ryan, pleasure. No ma'am, just here to see Doc Vorachek.”
“He's right around the corner. I assume you already know that, his office hasn't moved in years.”
“Yeah, of course. I appreciate the help. I'll be seeing you,” I said.
“I hope so,” she responded flirtatiously.
Doc and I talked for almost an hour, but I couldn't stop thinking about Maddie. Was she still going to be around when I left? Would I ever have a chance to bump into her again? Well, that thought was a pretty good forecast.
“Oh! I'm so sorry,” Maddie said as she dropped her books. Polish as I am, I bumped into her on my way out. I got whipped in the face by her hair and loved every second of it. It smelled like heaven.
“No, it's not your fault. I was too clumsy.” I wasn't sorry at all. In fact, it was about the coolest moment I'd experienced in a while. I hadn't felt these kinds of butterflies since I first held Mary-Margaret after she passed out. “You have some time on your hands? To get a bite to eat or something?”
Maddie bit her lip nervously. “I'd love to.”
I wanted to keep it casual, so I thought – What better than a bagel date? I knew just the spot. Maddie and I got into the truck and headed for Bagelworks. I pulled up to the place and quickly noted its deserted nature.
“Oh crap, they're closed,” I said.
“Any ideas now?” Maddie asked.
“No clue. I totally wanted a nice bagel.”
“Do you have any food at your place?” she asked.
That was one question I honestly didn't know the answer to. “I think we do. Ayrton tends to eat a lot.”
“Weight problem?”
“No, snowboarding fixation. It gets him hungry.”
So she was willing to come back to the pad with me. I knew this was a great chance to really get to know her. She offered to cook up something for the two of us. No arguments here as long as she didn’t bring up any shit about gender roles. I'd get to see how she works around a kitchen. Very domestically idealistic, but always an interesting thing to see a lady do. I was always smitten with a woman who knew how to cook, largely because I didn't.
We arrived at the Mansion and headed for the kitchen. I had no idea what she was trying to cook, and I really didn't care. I was in heaven watching her golden hair swing around. It seemed she knew exactly how to flick it to make me go crazy. I also couldn't help but notice her amazingly sexy body and the way she talks to herself under her breath while she's busy. I had a magazine in my hands, but let's be serious about this – I spent maybe a grand total of two minutes looking at it.
Before either of us knew it, while we were both completely smitten with the sight of each other, smoke billowed from the stove. I rushed to Maddie's aid, helped clear out the smoke. It was an interesting little dance around the kitchen we did trying to fix the mess.
Once the smoke was cleared, we both sat at the breakfast bar and sighed.
“So what happened?” I said with a half-hearted laugh.
“I don't know. I thought you were paying attention,” she said with a playful push in the thigh.
“To be honest – I was paying attention to you. You are simply stunning,” I responded.
“Thank you. I don't really know how to take that.”
“If it'll help, I can say it again.”
“Nobody's ever said anything like that to me. My high school boyfriend and I – We never even went on a real date. We saw each other at school, studied together, he was on the football team and I was a cheerleader.”
“Did it end badly?”
“Not at all. We still talk, but there
was nothing there.”
Suddenly, we found ourselves staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. It was the most awkwardly amazing feeling. This, Maddie and I – It felt different. As if we could end up with something better than what I had with Mary-Margaret. As if maybe everything that had gone down with Mary-Margaret and Diana was just a precursor to this. I think she felt the same thing I did at that point. Eventually, someone had to break the silence.
“So now that I ruined dinner, what are the plans?” Maddie asked.
“I've got an idea.” I grabbed the phone and hit the speed dial. “Tao? Hey, Ryan. Yeah, things are great. You feel like making a run tonight?” Maddie flashed me a curious look, I mouthed the words “Chinese food” to her.
“Okay, awesome. I'll take an order of General Tso, and my lovely lady would like --” I shrugged my shoulders at Maddie. “Any idea what you want?”
“Chicken fried rice.” I scowled at her. “What?” she barked in response.
“Could you please pick something more boring?” Maddie playfully smacked me. Hot as hell. “She'll take chicken fried rice. – Yeah, I know right? Pretty bland.” Maddie's eyes widened with playful shock and she smacked at me again. Still sexy. “Yeah, I'm getting my ass kicked over here. Sweet, we will see you soon.”
“You are a little jerk, Mister Sumpter!”
“My apologies, I was only teasing. Come with me, I gotta work tonight. I'll show you what I've gotta do.”
I led her through the Montana Mansion. Maddie couldn't help but gawk at the architecture and memorabilia displayed throughout the house. When she entered the room I was leading her to, her jaw dropped to the floor.
“What is all this?” She was looking at the setup – Two racing seats, wheels, pedals, LCD panels – A full custom setup made specifically for the team.
“These are racing simulators. I'm back to racing on the stock car circuit again this year, and the team needs me to do simulation testing so the engineers can collect telemetry data.”
The Legend: The Love of Ryan Sumpter Page 10