No one said anything for a tiny moment. And then, very, very slowly, a ripple of applause started at the back of the hall. It got louder and louder as all the children, the Oakcroft pupils as well as the Bracket Wood ones, joined in. It got louder still as they rose to their feet and began stamping and cheering.
And then Dionna, onstage, turned to the audience and began to sing, “OH! HEADMASTER CAR-TER!”
Mr Carter looked around and suddenly, everyone joined in.
“OH! HEADMASTER CAR-TER!”
Even the Oakcroft children. Even Miss Gerard and Mr Barrington. Even, as the head teacher looked round onstage, Miss Malik, and then, a bit more reluctantly and uncertainly as if he wasn’t quite sure but finally decided to do it anyway, Mr Mann.
“OH! HEADMASTER CAR-TER!”
And even Ryan Ward.
“OH! HEADMASTER CAR— This is a bit weird, I have to tell you …” he said “—TER!”
Mr Carter smiled. There were three people who weren’t doing it, of course.
“RIGHT, TOBY, BELINDA! THAT’S ENOUGH! LET’S GO!” one of those three people shouted. Still covered in the pink cake-muck, she, Toby and Belinda left the stage and made their way towards the door.
“Actually, Bells,” said Toby, licking a finger, “it’s surprisingly treats.”
“Oh, shut up, you posh himbo!”
“Sorry about everything, Mrs Valentine-Fine!” called Mr Carter after them.
“OBE!”
“Which stands for OLD BATTLEAXE EEURGHH!”
They stopped in their tracks and turned round. Mrs Valentine-Fine OBE, if it was possible, looked more furious than ever.
“WHO SAID THAT?”
A hand went up quickly from a person onstage.
It was Ryan Ward.
Well, it was Mr Carter. Inside Ryan Ward. And he seemed very proud and pleased with himself.
Mr Carter, or the man who seemed to be Mr Carter, shrugged. He was clearly not going to punish Ryan Ward for that either. So Mrs Valentine-Fine OBE raised herself up to her not very full height, said, “BAH!” and left the assembly hall.
“Ryan? Ryan? Can you hear me?”
A tiny blinking of the eyes indicated that he could.
“I think he’s waking up.”
“Ryan?”
Ryan opened his eyes. His mum, Tina, was there and Dionna, looking down at him. He was clearly in a bed. In fact, he was clearly in the same emergency room in the same hospital as two weeks ago when this whole thing had started.
“Oh, Ryan!” said his mum, and threw her arms round him. “What’s happening with this fainting? I’m really worried about you!”
It was at this point that Ryan realised he wasn’t, however, in the same bed as two weeks ago. He was in the opposite bed. Because he could see Mr Carter asleep in the facing bed. And it was Mr Carter. And he was Ryan. Which might also be why it felt quite nice and quite like coming home that Tina, his mum, was giving him a big hug.
“Mrs Ward? Can I have a word?” said the doctor. “It might be best just to let Ryan get used to the light for a bit; then you can come and talk to him.”
His mum broke the hug, gave him a kiss on the forehead and moved away with the doctor.
At which point, Ryan turned to Dionna and said quietly, “What happened?”
“I need to know who you are first,” she replied softly.
He frowned. “Why do you need to know that?”
“Because otherwise explaining what happened will be really confusing.
Because I’ll be saying Mr Carter when I mean you and you when I mean Mr Carter. I mean, I’ll probably be doing that anyway, but at least I’ll know who I’m talking to.”
“OK. Yes. I’m Ryan. I’m back in my own body. Which, I have to say, although I’m a bit groggy, feels much better. I don’t recommend suddenly being forty-three, physically, at all. So what happened?”
“Well,” she said. “After the debate, the OFFHEAD inspectors went and got cleaned up in the toilets.”
“Thank heavens we sorted those out.”
“Yes. And then me and you and Ryan – who at that point was really Mr Carter – went to his – your – oh, whatevs – the head teacher’s office. Then we started talking about what had happened and whether or not it would be enough for us to get a good OFFHEAD rating. And while we were talking, this weird musical box that was on the head teacher’s desk started playing its weird music. And then when I looked round, both of you were lying asleep on the floor.”
Ryan looked at her. “Thanks.”
“What, for telling you all that?”
“No. Well, yes. But more for just being such a good friend. And also for smashing your bit of the debate. It was amazing.”
She smiled at him. “It’s good to have you back, Ryan,” she said.
One of the annoying things about coming out of hospital was that Ryan had just been in bed and now had to go to bed. This was partly because he’d come out in the evening and partly because the doctors had told his mum that he probably should get more rest, what with having had another one of these strange fainting moments they couldn’t understand. That’s what doctors prescribe when something they can't understand happens to someone – rest.
But he was pleased, having said that, to be back in his own bed. Not so much because of the one in hospital (in which he’d only been awake for a tiny bit anyway) but because of Mr Carter’s, which had always been too big. Perhaps the weirdest thing about the whole experience – apart, obviously, from going to the toilet, which we’re still not going to go into – was sleeping in his head teacher’s bed.
“I’m sorry,” said Tina, “I still haven’t changed the duvet.”
“Pardon?” said Ryan, sitting up, worried, as he’d have liked the duvet to have been washed since Mr Carter had slept in his bed. Then again, Mr Carter had also been sleeping in his body. So. There was clearly still a lot of processing to be done.
“’Uvet!” said Holly, who was on Tina’s lap.
“Well, you’ve been saying for a while that this one, with all the pirates on the cover, is a bit young for you. Which I guess it is. I really felt that recently when you weren’t feeling well and I tucked you in.”
“You did?”
“Yes. I thought you felt too old now, for pirates.”
“’Irates!” said Holly. “’Irates ’uvet!”
“Night-night, Ryan!” came a voice from outside the room. BAWOOOSHOO!
“Night-night, Aunt Annie,” said Ryan. Then, as she walked away from the door, he added quietly, “Er … how long is she staying?”
“Just tonight. At least she didn’t actually step inside the room.”
“Yes …” said Ryan, smiling, at some level actually pleased to hear these sounds. It was all part of his family life, his familiar family life.
“So, anyway, I’ve been looking at a few other duvets. There’s an all-black one you can get—”
“Mum,” said Ryan, “I love this duvet.”
She frowned. “Really?”
“Yes,” he said, smiling. “And I love you.”
Tina frowned again, harder. She was smiling as well because it was such a lovely thing for him to say, but she couldn’t stop the frown deepening at the same time. Ryan never said that normally. Not unless she forced him to by saying it and staring at him until he had to reply in kind.
It made her wonder for a second about all the times recently that Ryan had been saying he wasn’t Ryan. But then Holly reached up to her brother, touched his cheek and said, “Ryan. Yes. Ryan. My brother.”
And both of them laughed and clapped because Holly had never said his whole name and got it right ever before.
Ryan Ward sat anxiously outside the head teacher’s office. He’d been here many times before, of course, but he had hoped that now things might be different. Mr Carter’s assembly had been OK – he’d basically announced that things had been a little strange for a while, but now it was time to get everything back to normal. T
hen at the end of it he’d said quite sternly, “And, Ryan Ward! Come see me in my office after school.”
So maybe it was all going to be boringly back to normal, with him just as much in trouble as ever. Maybe Mr Carter was just going to tell him off for all the things he’d done when he’d been head teacher.
Then Mr Carter opened the door.
“Hello, Ryan,” he said. “Come in.” Which Ryan did. And went to sit down opposite Mr Carter’s desk.
“Look, Mr Carter,” he said. “I’m really sorry about everything I did. When I was you, I mean. All the making Reception kids take classes and the British Tortoise game, and cancelling the homework and—”
“Are you well?” said Mr Carter.
“Pardon?”
“Well. You know. Everything … in its proper place. No ill effects. From our … experience?”
“Oh! Yeah. I’m fine. And, actually, I’m very pleased that when I go for a wee now I don’t have to—”
“Yes, I think it’s still best that we don’t talk about that.”
“Yes. OK.”
“In fact, I’m not sure if we should really mention this – the whole body-swap thing – to anyone. Apart, obviously, from Dionna, who already knows. Because it might make us sound a bit …”
“Mad?” said Ryan.
“Hm,” said Mr Carter.
There was a short pause then. Mr Carter frowned as if not sure what to say next. Ryan started to wonder when the big telling-off was coming.
“Also, Ryan, I just wanted to let you know a few things,” said the head teacher eventually. “That I thought you might like to know. First of all … ah … They’re here.”
“Who is?” said Ryan, looking round. But Mr Carter had gone to the door and opened it. He was smiling a lot, for him. Ryan couldn’t work out why until he saw his mum coming through the door in a wheelchair. Not his mum – Mr Carter’s mum. Grace. She was being pushed by Zadie the nurse.
“Hello, Mum,” said Mr Carter softly.
“Hello, Michael,” said Grace, smiling. She had a blanket over her knees and a needle in the back of her hand that was connected to a bag of liquid attached to the chair, but she looked happy.
Zadie pushed the chair in to the room and then wheeled it round so she was facing Mr Carter and Ryan.
“Wow!” said Ryan.
“Hello,” said Grace. “Who are you?”
“This is Ryan Ward, Mum. He’s one of our pupils here. Ryan, this is my mum, Grace.”
“Yes. I kn—”
“And,” continued Mr Carter, cutting him off, “my mum’s not been very well, but recently she’s got a bit better. It was unexpected.” He paused, then continued. “The doctors think that when I …” As he spoke, he looked closely at Ryan. “Yes, when I came to see her last time, it cheered her up a lot … the way I was.”
“You cried!” said Grace, reaching out a hand to him. He took it and smiled at her.
“Yes. Apparently. I mean, it’s a bit of a blur in my memory.”
“Perhaps,” said Ryan, smiling a little himself now, “because you were so … emotional?”
Mr Carter nodded. “Well, anyway, whatever happened, it helped my mother’s state of mind and she’s had at least a temporary reprieve.”
“Hello? Everybody?” said Grace. “I am still here.”
“You see,” said Zadie, looking at Mr Carter. “Right back to her normal self!”
“Sorry, Mum.”
“That’s all right, Michael. I just wanted to see the school. It’s lovely!”
Mr Carter and Ryan exchanged glances. Ryan’s glance said, quite clearly, I thought you said she was much better. But now she’s said the school is lovely?
“Yes,” said Zadie. “But we need to get back. I told them we wouldn’t be out for long.”
Grace nodded and Zadie gripped the handles of her wheelchair. Grace looked up. Mr Carter knelt down and kissed her gently on the cheek. She closed her eyes. Then she opened them, held out her hand and said, “Very nice to meet you, Ryan.”
Ryan took her hand. It was light as a feather. As they touched, she added, “And I hope we meet again. I wouldn’t want this to be the only time we’ve met.”
Ryan looked at her. She was smiling as if … as if she knew it wasn’t. Ryan opened his mouth to reply, perhaps even to tell her it wasn’t.
But then Zadie said, “Come on, Grace. Stop stalling.” And pulled her backwards and out of the door. Ryan watched her go. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up. Mr Carter was looking down at him.
“Thank you,” he said.
Ryan turned to leave. “Is that all, Mr Carter?”
“No,” said the head teacher. “Not quite. There’s just one more thing.”
Ryan turned back.
“I just wanted to tell you something as well,” continued Mr Carter. “You remember when we had that – slightly heated – conversation just after you told me you’d been to see my mother? And I – well, I said how I thought this process was about teaching you something? How to be a bit more grown-up?”
Ryan nodded. “I think it did,” he said.
“Yes. But I think it was also teaching me something. Which I didn’t realise at the time.”
“Which was what?” said Ryan.
Mr Carter looked thoughtful for a moment. Then he said, “How to be a bit less grown-up. Here’s the thing, Ryan. Really, at heart, people my age – we’re not grown-ups. We’re just older children. Life forces us to behave in a very serious way a lot of the time, but inside most of us feel – well, about your age – about eleven. But I think I’d forgotten that however old you are, you don’t have to spend all your time being adult.”
“Right,” said Ryan, nodding.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong. Now that I’m back being me … I’m not going to introduce funny walks and shouting in the corridors. And when I was … you … when I did the prank with the cake stew on top of the inspectors … well, I realise now that was the child part, the immature part, taking over, going too far. So it’s a balance, really, I suppose, and …”
As Mr Carter talked, Ryan looked out of the window, not really listening any more. Ryan had grown up a bit during this adventure. He even secretly quite liked this new relationship with Mr Carter, where Mr Carter was sort of like his dad, doing the sort of dad things his real dad never did – like teaching him important life lessons.
But Ryan could see his friends playing football in the playground now. And felt he’d like Mr Carter to stop with the important life lessons so he could get out there and join in.
“And one more thing I wanted to tell you,” said Mr Carter, snapping Ryan’s attention back to him. “Well. Not tell you. Share with you. One more thing I thought we should do together.”
Mr Carter turned round. On his desk, next to the musical box, in fact, was an envelope. It was marked OFFHEAD.
“You haven’t opened it yet?” said Ryan.
“No. As I say, I wanted to share it with you, as I think whatever is in here, you are more than partly responsible for it.”
“Hmm.” Ryan got up and went to the window “Not just me.”
“What are you doing?” said Mr Carter.
“Opening the window.”
“That one is always a bit stiff.”
“Not if you twist it here, I noticed, when I was in this office – and then lift this handle a bit.”
“Oh,” said Mr Carter. “I never worked that out.”
“Dionna!” shouted Ryan out of the open window. “Dee! Come here!”
“I’m playing football!”
“I know. Just for a moment!”
She raised her eyes to heaven, waved a “sorry” gesture at her playmates and ran over.
“What is it?” she said breathlessly.
“Mr Carter wants to share something with … us,” said Ryan.
“Yes, of course,” said Mr Carter, nodding. “You’re right. This –” and he held up the OFFHEAD envelope – “should inv
olve the three of us!”
“Oh, cripes!” said Dionna.
“Cripes?” said Ryan.
“I’m trying to avoid rude words,” said Dionna.
“Probably best,” said Mr Carter. “OK. Here we go!”
They crowded round the envelope, a bit like TV and film stars do when they’re announcing an award. Mr Carter ripped the top off it. He took out a piece of paper and held it up.
“I can’t look!” said Dionna, shutting her eyes. “Is it Good?”
“It isn’t,” said Ryan.
“Oh no!” said Dionna sadly. “Inadequate. Again. Oh no, oh no …”
“Not that either,” said Ryan.
“OMG – they haven’t created a Rubbish rating, have they?”
“Dionna,” said Mr Carter gently. “Open your eyes.”
Dionna apparently still wasn’t convinced this was a good idea, so just opened one. But when she saw what was written on the paper, she thought she must have read it wrongly, that it was some kind of one-eyed misunderstanding. It was the same, though, when she opened the other one. So it must be true.
“OUTSTANDING?” she said.
“YES!” said Ryan.
“THAT’S AMAZING!” said Dionna.
“WOW!” said Ryan. “That really is amazing!”
“It is,” said Mr Carter. “I did make sure to provide OFFHEAD with a bit of extra information, of course. For example, that since your little stint in the job, the pupils at this school have become better, would you believe, at handing in homework and coming up with great ideas for class activities. They’re generally more disciplined too! It’s as if – as if you gave them a little holiday … from … well, from a rather stuffy idea of what school should be. And they enjoyed that and have come back as model schoolchildren!”
Ryan nodded, surprised, but pleased.
“But you know what? I think mainly,” Mr Carter said, folding up the bit of paper, “it was about what you two were like at the debate. Those speeches you made were inspiring – they saved the school!”
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