by Alice Ward
A train moved down the tracks in front of me, and I came to a stop, hitting my steering wheel and cursing until I couldn’t find another word to throw out. Anger burned through me at how many shitty turns life had handed me lately. I couldn’t catch a break to save my life.
It took the full ten minutes that I sat there to come to the conclusion that I was rushing after Alisa when things had gone just as I’d wanted them too. She needed to find me with another woman in order for her to back off. As much as it stung the deepest parts of me, it was perfect.
She would hate me and drop the case, leaving me with another attorney who would have the loss of my case hit his record instead of Alisa’s. Losing her in my life had to be the most painful thing I could conjure up, but it was the right thing to do.
“Fuck it.” I started to turn around as my phone lit up. Clark. “This can’t be good.”
I answered it regardless. “Zek Kellington.”
The train finished up and I put the car in drive and moved forward. I could drive around while talking to Clark and then head home for a bottle of whiskey.
“Zek. You doing okay?” There was far too much concern in his voice for a casual call.
“Yeah. Why? What’s up?” I turned off the main road to pull into a bar I used to haunt all the time.
“I just heard the news tonight about Jessup. I tried to call Alisa instead of bothering you, but she’s dealing with her own shit tonight.” He sounded a little out of breath.
“Yeah, what is she dealing with? She came by the house, but ran off because one of my ex-girlfriends stopped by. I’m sure it looked horrible, but the girl was just getting a few things she’d left at the house weeks ago when I kicked her out.” I ran my hand through my hair and got out of the car. There was no reason to pass up having a drink when I needed one so damn bad.
“Oh great,” he growled. “Where are you? I was headed over to your place, but it sounds like you’re outside.”
“I’m at Oldmister’s Grill just down from the house. They have a great little bar in the back. Come have a drink with me.” I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t free, but we’d been through too much shit together in our younger lives. I owed him any time he wanted from me.
“Alright. I’ll be there in five minutes. I know the place.”
I slid the phone back into my pocket and walked into the pub. A few people greeted me, but I gave them little more than a weak wave before finding a seat at the bar.
“What’ll it be, Mr. Kellington?” The bartender, Zach, was an older man who’d spent many nights talking about life with me. We’d become less than friends and yet a little more than acquaintances over the last ten years of me living down the street.
“Whiskey. Let’s go with Wild Turkey tonight. On the rocks, please. Double shot.” I pressed my forearms to the bar top and let out a painful sigh. Alisa thought I was with another woman. Why would that at all, in any way whatsoever, be a good thing? I would rather have cut myself with barbed wire and jumped into a pool of sharks than hurt her with a lie.
I pulled out my phone as Zach stopped in front of me again.
“That bad?” He gave me a crooked smile and sat the drink down in front of me.
“Yep. Seems like it’s just heading toward worse too.” I smiled and took the drink, lifted it toward him and drank half of it down in one gulp. It burned like a bitch, and yet I needed something to warm me up.
“Once you hit the bottom, there is only one way to go.” He tapped the table between us and smiled at me. “You’re going to be alright. You always are. No matter what they throw at you.”
I nodded. “Thanks, my friend.”
“Any time. I’m here if you need to talk.” He moved down the bar to help someone else, and I called Alisa again, getting nothing. I decided to text her instead, though hearing her voice would have settled the insanity inside of me much better.
Me: Alisa. That was Lyndsay at the house. She was just stopping by to get her shit. It wasn’t what you thought it was.
I growled softly, hating myself for being so weak that I couldn’t just stand beside my original plan. The woman’s love made me bipolar and unstable. It was terrifying and yet exhilarating all in the same moment. I took another long pull from my liquor and watched the phone as if it were the only hope left in my life.
Alisa: I don’t care who she was. We’re not together. Your life is your life.
“Fuck.”
I glanced up to see Clark walking into the bar and dropped the phone into my pocket. I would have to answer her later. Maybe her older brother could help me talk some sense into her. Hell, maybe he could talk some sense into me.
“Hey, buddy.” Clark sat down beside me and extended his hand toward me. I shook it firmly and gave him the best smile I could muster.
“Hey. I’m glad to see you, though I’m not thinking you’ll be too happy with me after you talk with your sister. She thinks I’m seeing this crazy bitch that was at my house a few minutes ago.” I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed my drink back toward Zach as he walked over. “One more for me?”
“Absolutely.” Zach took my drink and nodded to Clark. “You want something as well, sir?”
“Yeah. Whatever he’s having.” He turned to me and eyed me. “What’s going on? You look like shit.”
“Thanks.” I brushed my hand down my face. “You really don’t want to talk to me about what’s going on. I promise. Let’s just skip the real shit and talk about the weather, or the rape case, or hell, we can talk about the insider trading shit I’m about to dive into.”
He reached over and clamped his hand down on my shoulder and squeezed tightly. “Talk to me about what’s bothering you. I’m your best friend whether you want to admit it anymore or not.”
I let out a long sigh. “I don’t care about the upcoming case. I should, but it’s not the most pressing thing in my life.”
“What is?” He took his drink from Zach, and I turned to take mine as well.
“Your sister.” I drank down half the glass before looking over at him. I expected a bit of anger or tension, but saw none of it.
“Yeah. She’s loved you for as long as I can remember.” He chuckled and lifted his glass toward me. “To good women, who somehow fall for the worst of us.”
I smiled and hit my glass against his. “I love her too, Clark, but I know this shit isn’t going to go well. I won’t escape this time like I did last time.”
He pursed his lips and stared at me for a while. “I don’t think that matters much to her. Does it to you?”
“Of course it does. I don’t want her to live a life of waiting. If I end up in…” I leaned closer and lowered my voice a little. “If I end up in jail, what the fuck is Alisa going to do? Bake me cookies and send me notes? She’s a beautiful woman in her prime. She should be getting married and having kids. I want that life too, but I have a fucked up sabbatical I’m most likely going to be forced to take.”
“You don’t know that.” He pushed on my shoulder. “Slow down on your booze. You won’t be able to drive home.”
“I can actually walk home from here.” I lifted my glass to my lips and drained it. “I’m done though.”
“I don’t think you can make Alisa’s decisions for her. As much as I want to make them too, she’s a grown woman. She’s not the girl you and I used to protect from guys like us. She’s going to make her own decisions, and you have to respect that. Hell, I have to as well.” He chuckled. “It’s crazy to think she’s still in love with you. You old goat.”
I smirked, but the expression slid from my face as reality pressed against me. “But if I love her the way I do, then all I can think to do is give her up. Does that only make sense to me? Mark thinks I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Well, you are most days, but I get where you’re coming from. She’s in for some major heartbreaks in her career and in her personal life thanks to your sorry ass.” He gave me a smirk and popped me in the chest. “But who do you think
you’re dealing with? She didn’t listen to any of us back then, and she sure as hell won’t now.”
“Maybe, but I still feel like I should push her away again. She’s so much better of a person than I am.” I growled and reached for my glass, lifting it to my lips to make sure I’d taken every last drop of the poison in it.
“Stop being a martyr. That shit is overrated. She’s a big girl, and I’m telling you now that she’s hurting.”
“From me?” I sat the glass down and stood up. My legs were firm beneath me, and I hadn’t even come close to reaching my liquor limit, but I was buzzing slightly and felt needy.
“I don’t know if that’s part of it, but Ben was in a bad accident this afternoon. He was life-flighted to the hospital, and they’ve marked him in critical condition. She was there for a good part of the day.” He let out a long sigh and shook his head. “It’s crazy how fast life can change. In the blink of an eye.”
“Ben? Her ex-husband Ben?”
“Yeah.” Clark glanced around at me and tilted his head. “What are you doing? You about to leave?”
“Yeah. Fuck, I gotta go see her.” I pulled my keys out of my pocket and reached up to pat Clark on his back. “Give me her address. She never gave it to me. Smart girl.”
“Don’t tell her you got it from me.” He reached for my phone and plugged in Alisa’s address before standing up beside me. “Don’t forget that she’s not a child, and she doesn’t need saving by you or me. She needs truth and affection like the rest of us do.”
“You’re not going to tell me that if I hurt her you’ll kick my ass?” I chuckled.
“That part is unspoken.” He extended his hand again and I took it. “You love her, right?”
“More than I should. I’ve been lying to myself for a long time about it.” I shook his hand and took a step back. “But… that doesn’t mean I’m going to be with her. I’m not sure where I stand with asking her to give up some part of her life for me. I need to get through the damn case and then I can make some sound decisions about us.”
“Just remember that she gets a say in all of this stuff too.” He pushed at my chest, and I stumbled back. The liquor was just starting to burn through my system, and I was grateful for it. It calmed me, settled my nerves.
“True. Later, my friend.” I walked toward the door, lifting my hand and waving at Zach as he called out to me. The chilly night’s air hit me as I walked outside and I wished I’d remember to take a coat. There had been no time for that as I was rushing out of the house to try and get to Alisa.
I got in the car and started the heater before pulling out and letting my phone guide me to her apartment. She wouldn’t be too thrilled with me for showing up uninvited, but I had to see her. I was grateful for Clark’s timing.
She needed to be held after the day she’d had, and I wasn’t willing to leave until she let me know that she was okay.
I pulled up to her apartment complex and sat there for a few minutes, just trying to think through what I was going to say. I was at a loss for words, which wasn’t something I was used to at all.
Getting out of the car, I let out a long breath and walked up through the stairwell to the door with the number stamped on it that Clark had given me. I knocked on the door three times and stepped back, trying to slow my racing heart and think through what I was going to say.
She opened the door and I lost my train of thought.
“Zek? How did you find me? Why are you… never mind. Go away.” She started to shut the door, and I bolted forward, reaching for it and pressing my hand against it as I slipped in and closed it behind me.
“Don’t be mad at me. You misunderstood everything you saw. I promise. Let me explain. Please?”
“Why should I? It really doesn’t matter, does it? You hold the decision making power where we are concerned. You always have.” She pushed at my chest. “And it’s fucking unfair.”
CHAPTER 8
Alisa
Having him there in the middle of my kitchen with glassy eyes and the smell of liquor on his breath just infuriated me more. First, he spends the day with another woman after pushing me away, and now this?
“That’s not true.” He reached for my wrists and pulled me to him, spinning us until I was somehow trapped against the door. The thick press of his body against mine was far too delicious to think about.
“Yes, the fuck it is, and you know it. Get off of me, and get out. I’m not getting involved with you or anyone else right now.” I pushed at him, though all I wanted to do pressed my lips to his and beckon him to let me remind him how good we were together. It wasn’t happening. He was a bastard and I needed to keep remembering that.
“No. She just came to get her shit.” He pressed himself to the front of me even tighter, his erection rubbing against my lower tummy and leaving me breathless.
“Then why was she hugging you, Zek? Do you really believe me to be that much of an idiot?” I gripped the front of his shirt as tears burned my eyes. “I’ve had a horrible day, and I went over there wanting you to comfort me. Why, I have no idea. We just spent the day before pushing each other away, which is the best answer for all of this.”
I pushed hard this time, and he moved back. The deepest parts of me lamented over the loss of contact with him. He was every fairy tale fantasy and wicked wet dream I’d ever had. I needed a night with him just to forget how incredibly dismal the future seemed.
I moved to the living room and stopped by the patio doors, pulling the blinds back and pressing my forehead to the glass. My voice was weak when I spoke, and I hated myself for quickly changing my mind in front of him, but it was impossible to not covet anything he would give me. I hated myself for it, but it was senseless to fight it. I’d been his my whole life, whether he knew it or not.
“Alisa.” His hands slid over my shoulders and tightened on my arms as he pulled me back to rest against his chest. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m trying to figure out what would be best for us in the long-run. Not just today or tonight.”
I nodded, understanding all too clearly his dilemma. “I just wish for one minute we could have a normal situation. A normal life.”
“That’s not possible right now because I fucked everything up.” He kissed the top of my head again. “However, I’m almost glad I did.”
I pulled away from him and turned before crossing my arms over my chest. “What? Why would you be glad of this mess we’re dealing with?”
“Because I’m not sure you would have come back into my life otherwise. It’s greedy and I hate myself for it, but I’m so grateful you’re here.” He reached for me, and before I could push him off, he had my face in his hands and his soft lips pressed to mine in a hungry kiss.
It only took a split second for me to leave my anger behind and instead let it bleed into lust for the sexy man before me. His tongue brushed by my lips as his fingers tightened on my face, and I opened my mouth, letting him in.
The groan that left me as his tongue moved past mine caused his breath to hitch. It was deliciously hot, and heady to know that I had power over him. We’d been through far too much lately and had no clue of where we were headed in the future, but for the moment, I wanted carnality.
I broke the kiss as his hands slid down my back and over the curve of my ass, squeezing roughly as his mouth found my neck. The strong pulls against my skin left my breasts aching for a turn under his attention.
“The blonde girl I saw with you is nothing to you? Swear it on your mother’s grave.” I slid my hand through his hair and cupped his head against me. Strong emotions raged through me, and it was all I could do not to scream in frustration. To have someone you wanted so intensely be yours for a moment, but not forever was almost unbearable.
“Nothing. I hate the bitch.” He ran his nose up the side of my neck and pressed his mouth to my ear. “You are the only woman I want in my bed. In my life.”
His tongue brushed by my ear and I whimpered while neediness pumped through me.<
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“Stay with me tonight. Please?” I whispered. How many times as a girl had I begged the same question? Too many, but he’d never denied me then. I prayed he wouldn’t now.
He moved back and nodded as his thumb brushed over my bottom lip. The desire in his gaze left my blood boiling, my heart racing. “Yeah. I’m not going anywhere. We’ll deal with tomorrow when it gets here.”
I wanted to talk about tomorrow, but I forced my thoughts away. There was no need for words or anything that might break the spell swirling in between us.
He moved down my body, his lips pulling at my budded nipples over my silky blouse and leaving me to feel exposed though I was fully dressed. His strong hand moved up the center of my stomach, between my breasts and rested at the base of my throat as he pushed me back a little. I used the door behind me to lean against and pressed my hands to the chilled glass, not wanting to interrupt him as he nipped at my stomach and pressed his face to my center.
He breathed in deeply, and I closed my eyes as a shiver ran through me. He was so fucking hot that it hurt. How I’d ever thought I might find another man who made me melt like Zek did was beyond me. No one could even come close.
“You smell so good. Like you need to be fucked.” He slid his fingers up from my knees pushing my black pencil skirt with him, not stopping until he had the thing up around my waist. My pink panties were silly and something I wore in college to feel a little more adventurous. Not having done the laundry all week, I was stuck with them, and almost embarrassed now that he was studying me so closely. “Hot.”
I smirked and moved to run my hand through his hair once more, gripping it tightly at the back and forcing him to look up at me. “Stop talking and take them off. They’re all I had clean.”
He chuckled low in his chest and moved back, pulling himself from my grasp. “I’ll bet these have no ass to them.”
I spun around as he forced me to, and pressed my chest to the glass as he let out a sound of appreciation. His fingers played with the small string that ran from the top of my rear down to the wettest part of me.