by Marlon James
—Holy Jesus Christ, she say to herself.
—Good heavens, our resemblance is uncanny, Robert Quinn say. Robert Quinn grab her two hands and study her. Not hard, but firm. Lilith try to look at him but him eye open too wide and they too grey, him hair too long, him nose breathing down on her too hard. Lilith look away and him look at her. He hold her for a long time.
—Homer’s in the kitchen, if you’ve forgotten where to look, he say.
—Yes, massa, Lilith say. He still holding her two hand.
—Unless yer looking fer somebody else, he say.
—No, massa!
—Have a hankering to do as ye please, do ye? Disobey yer masters and treat a day as you see fit? Who waits fer ye? This is the second time I’m running into you.
Lilith in fear and trembling ’cause the Irishman be watching her. Lilith about to say, No! Me didn’t want to kill her! Me only did want her too sick to work! But she couldn’t say nothing. She look out into the sky and see the moon threatening to come and expose her.
—You enjoy being a house slave, do ye? Robert Quinn ask.
—Yes, yes, massa, Lilith say.
—And do ye think you’d enjoy the field?
—No, massa.
Then he grab her. By the chest right in the scoop of her bosom. He grab her hard with some of him fingers in between her breast and make a fist in her dress. Lilith shriek. Robert Quinn start to walk and pulling her behind him. He stride so wide that Lilith have to skip to keep up. Lilith start to cry. She look at him black hair blowing and him shirt hold tight under him vest and see the whip hanging from him belt. He dragging her and she buck her toe against a rock. She cry out but he don’t stop. He take her back to the same flower shed but Gorgon still not there. Lilith want to bawl out No, massa! No, massa! But words failing to leave her lips. He yank her in the middle of the shed and she stumble.
—I’ve told ye how much I dislike the idea of niggers gallivanting as they please. Shall I send you to the field, then? Perhaps a spell in the boiling house?
Quinn pull the whip from him belt. It long and black like a thin dead snake.
—I sense something about ye, an insolence, an insolence, damn it, and I’ll not have it. I’ll not have it at all. Pull down your dress.
Lilith looking down on the ground.
—Pull down that feckin’ frock or I’ll rip it off! And God be damned if ye get another!
She pull down her dress and her two breast pop out. The dress fall to her waist and eventide blow a cold breeze on her back. She hide her breast with her hand and look at the ground. Robert Quinn look at her. Lilith don’t say nothing. Robert Quinn look at her like he expecting something but Lilith look at the ground, her cheeks wet. Tears escaping, but she not sobbing or bawling.
—Yer just a child, Robert Quinn say.
In the kitchen everybody quiet and working. Massa Humphrey and Miss Isobel taking a late luncheon today so everybody moving slow. Lilith race down to the cellar before she could run into Homer. But as she reach the final step she smell mint and lemongrass.
—Can never find what I looking for in this cellar, Homer say. Homer back to Lilith as she search the shelf.
—Sugar jar empty upstairs, Homer say.
—A sack in the side room, Lilith say. Ants get in when it put on the shelf.
—Good thing you using you head, one ants in Miss Isobel tea and is a whipping for sure. Homer turn to go in the room.
—What other use you puttin’ you head to? Homer ask.
—Me don’t know—
—You don’t know what you own head be doing? Maybe it gone free while you still slave. Anyway, make me find the brown sugar that Miss Isobel like. Uncanny, eh? You think she’d like white sugar the best. But she be white woman so she get what she want. Not like black woman, eh?
Lilith don’t say nothing. She check if her cheek wet.
—Maybe is ’cause you part white, that why you not understanding black talk. Or maybe ’cause you part white you think you must always get what you want too.
Homer go in the room and say something else, but Lilith couldn’t hear.
—What? Lilith say.
Homer come back out with the sugar.
—Me say, the thing with black woman, though, is that we don’t get what we want and we never get what we need, but every nigger, I mean every nigger, get what she deserve.
Homer leave her downstairs.
—Potato not goin’ peel itself, she say.
Lilith look down at her feet and see blood pooling. She have to blink it out of her vision. She hear Andromeda daughter screaming and turn around, lookin’ to see where she be. Nothing but darkness. Lilith go over to her mat on the floor and stoop down, her head heavy and not together. Slave death is nothing new and a strong nigger learn to walk past it but Lilith look down on her own hands and keep seeing blood. Lilith wishing and begging that she can call up the white part of her, the part that can bear with killing a nigger like is nothing. She still hoping that her white half, her green eyes, can save her from her own looking glass that don’t hang on no wall. To kill a nigger is like to kill a horse, she think. She invoking the white skin to come up and bury the black. She toil in the kitchen the whole day not seeing how all the niggers excited. It be Christmas Eve.
So much fussing go into New Year’s ball that everybody near done forget Christmas. Nobody goin’ take ’way Christmas from the field negroes, though. While the massa and the mistress and her friend in the house eating at table, the field negroes be putting on them good trousers and good dresses that only wear couple time a year. And they cook banana and yam and pork that is present from the massa. And they boil the cornmeal in banana leaf till it thick like pudding, and cook down the chopped coconut with plenty sugar and molasses until it dark, thick and sweet. All them things they lay out on a big table not far from the great house ’cause is the one time o’ year when field negro can step anywhere near where backra live. Negroes eating and talking and playing and gallivanting ’cause this one day negro can forget that he be negro.
The banjo playing and the women commence to singing.
Moonshine tonight
Come make we dance and sing
Moonshine tonight
Come make we dance and sing
Me deh rock so, you deh rock so
Under banyan tree
Me deh rock so, you deh rock so
Under banyan tree
Then the mens and the womens commence to dance like white people at the ball. The mens in one line and the womens in one line. The mens rock then the womens rock. The mens spin then the womens spin. The mens tap one foot then the womens tap they foot. The womens stick out they hand and the mens take it. Then they spin. Woman and man at the back of the line join hand and skip to the front of the line.
Lady may curtsy
Gentleman may bow
Lady may curtsy
Gentleman may bow
Me deh rock so, you deh rock so
Under banyan tree
Me deh rock so, you deh rock so
Under banyan tree
Then the next woman and man move to the front and so on. Massa Humphrey love the excitement, he run down the verandah and join with a niggerwoman and dance. Then he see Miss Isobel fanning herself and go back to the verandah. New Year’s be white people time but Christmas belong to the negro.
Then the drum thunder. John Canoe be coming. The pickneys jumping in excitement. The drums beat louder and a man and three woman start sing, I want to go-oh, I want to go-oh-oh. Then the negroes be dancing, but this not be no white people dance. Womens make ulelele and click-clack sounds with they mouth. Man grab a woman from the back and waltz her. Then John Canoe appear. He be wearing a red and white jacket with tails all the way down the ground. He be wearing white breeches, pink stockings and he face paint white like white girl dolly. On him head is a great house so big that he have to hold it with one hand. But him legs free. John Canoe dance and spin and then he sing, I want t
o go-oh, I want to go-oh-oh! and the negroes sing it too and the drummer beat the drum and player pluck the banjo.
Behind John Canoe come all sort of people in costume. Two horse head with petticoat body that look like rainbow. Two mens dress up like pregnant womens, in pink dress with no petticoat and wearing white mask. Man that cover from head to toe with strips of cloth put together so tight that they look like man who wake up one morning and all him hair grow to the ground. Then come the king, the little boy with a big crown who carrying him sword to kill all in the dance. Miss Isobel and Massa Humphrey and Robert Quinn and the chaperone clapping. Homer singing to herself. Lilith behind them doing nothing. Every now and then she look at Massa Humphrey. Every now and then she would look up and see Robert Quinn lookin’ at her. Lilith turn to go back to the kitchen and see Gorgon going round the back of the house. Gorgon see her and run.
—Gorgon!
Gorgon try to run, but she short and couldn’t get far.
—Leggo me hair, dutty bitch! Gorgon scream.
—You is a wicked, wicked dog. Me never tell you say me want the woman dead, me say me want her gone, Lilith say.
Gorgon laugh.—Me no tell Obeah woman how fi work. What yuh think? Me was goin’ do it meself ? Yuh drinkin’ mad puss piss?
—You tell that, that damn woman say me want Andromeda dead.
—Me no tell her a damn thing. Woman never even know who yuh be, or Andromeda. All she do is call the Omolu. Is fi you heart it listen to, not fi me or fi she.
—What you saying, bitch? Lilith say.
—Dis bitch saying dat if yuh never want Andromeda dead, she’d be living right now. Omolu give you what you want in you heart, not what you say to me face, Gorgon say.
—Me never want her dead.
—Say dat over and over till it turn into sankey and yuh soon start believe it. Now leggo me fuckin’ hair before you start spit pussy blood too!
Lilith let her go and watch Gorgon run off down the little road at the back of the house and disappear in the Christmas colour. Lilith trying to not ponder. She did come with guilt pack tight like a bundle of clothes to throw on Gorgon, but Gorgon throw it back on her. She turn round to go and there, waiting behind her be the Johnny-jumpers. Lilith try to run but everywhere she turn, she run into a Johnny-jumper chest that heave from shouting and cussing. Every turn she make, a hand grabbing for her hair or her neck or her titties. And they shouting and cussing. Lilith too frighten to look at any face. She just want to get away from the bare chest and nasty hands. And they cussing. They calling her murderess and witch and pussy-eye and they chests and they hands get closer and closer until one hand round her neck. Lilith hear a woman cackle but no womens be in they number.
—You’s thinks you was goin’ gets ’way after you kills me brotha, you cow? he say.
He shorter and fatter than the others. Him hair plait in two and curl under him ear like ram goat horn. Niggers still making up ruckus and the Christmas celebrating take up all the air so no room left for a scream. Lilith thinking that mayhaps if she imagine that she is Circe and if they don’t beat her too much she can make the sounds that Circe make and do what she hear Circe doing. Mayhaps the first punch would knock her out and she wouldn’t have to feel anything and she would wake when they done or when the last one pull out. Or mayhaps she would wake up and they would be long gone and Homer would clean her and tell what to do with her pussy now that man force her to become woman. Mayhaps after this they would leave her alone and then she can walk without looking behind her and maybe Homer won’t leave her in the cellar no more and maybe the massa would see her and maybe she would know what freedom be for the niggerwoman. Mayhaps the way to go from this very day to the next wasn’t around, nor above or behind, but through. Through this. Lilith close her eye to take what God goin’ give her. The hand still round her neck and the Johnny-jumpers still laughing. Lilith thinking that if she be an agreeable niggerwoman things might end up better for her. She think that she thinking the way big woman supposed to think. Big woman who get wise about what every niggerman want. Not looking at any of the mens, Lilith pull down her dress so that her bosom pop out. The goat-horn nigger slap her.
—Whats you’s doin? We no comes to fuck you. We comes to kills you.
The goat-horn nigger grab Lilith by the wrist and start to drag her away from the sound of Christmas. Lilith trip and fall and the man drag her same way. Lilith feel the dirt scraping her skin and every stone cutting through her dress. Every time she scream it vanish into the Christmas. She claw the man with her nails and he turn around and slap her ’cross her face. Lilith bawling. Her foot kicking up dust. Round behind a tree he stop and pull her up. The goat-horn nigger pull out a dagger that sharp till it pointed.—Ah goin’ tek you titty shove in you mouth and you tongue shove in you arse, he say and scrape Lilith chest. The other niggers follow but then the goat-horn nigger stop. He buckle over, taking Lilith with him, and start hack and cough. He let go of Lilith and she can’t move even though she crying. Then he clutch him belly and vomit burst like waterfall from him mouth. He stumble and roll in the dirt.
—Lef me alone! Lef—L—Lef me alone!
Lilith frighten as she watch the man rolling ’bout in the dirt like he getting kick by the devil.
—Lef me alone! Lef me alone! he say.
The other Johnny-jumpers step back slow from Lilith, then when they a good distance, run off. The goat-horn man stop coughing and get up. He look at Lilith and spit. He cough again and stagger off, tripping two time before he can run. Lilith look round for her, but see nobody. She run back to the house and hide in the cellar.
Six day till the New Year’s ball. Robert Quinn don’t feel like goin’ in to town to rouse the slave trader for new negro and Miss Isobel don’t have time to train any new negro on how to wait on people of refined social graces like the governor and Lady Nugent. One morning Lilith wake up to find a blue uniform beside her mat. Homer be waiting on her to wake up.—Andromeda bigger than you, so you better beg Pallas to take in the waist and hem the foot, she say and leave Lilith alone. Lilith look around the cellar, then she grab the dress like is her own pickney. Lilith jump up and put the dress to her chest and hold out the sleeve like a woman hand and commence to waltz. Not until she spin the third time that she see Robert Quinn watching her from the top of the stairs that lead down to the cellar.
—Pleased the dress meets yer approval, he say, then turn away.
12
SINCE MISS ISOBEL START COME EVERY DAY TO ARRANGE THE ball, Lilith don’t see Massa Humphrey much. She get up early in the dawn and brew the tea and sit and wait for the sound of him boots staggering through the kitchen. Homer and Pallas keep telling Lilith that she be woman now and Lilith try hard to understand woman things. One time Pallas was talking ’bout a field nigger name Bellerophon and she talk ’bout how her own face flush and her heart beat fast and heavy and how plenty people just look at the two of them and know that something sweet be burnin’. You just know when you see some people, she say. Something that make you know that two body be of one head or spirit, even. When a man sweet for a woman and a woman sweet for a man, even slavery don’t seem so bitter. Lilith look for sweetness every time she see Massa Humphrey and Miss Isobel together.
It come to pass one morning that Massa Humphrey walk through the kitchen door. The horse whinny and the door open but is the shouting that wake her. Lilith jump when she hear him stomp into the kitchen asking for that bewitching tea and the negress who make it. She go up the stairs to see him staggering round the kitchen, grabbing the counter to steady himself.
—Damn it, an utter mess I am! A man of the most worthless sort, he say. He steady himself by the table and throw himself into a chair.
—Quinn! Where the blazes . . . where’s Quinn? Only Quinn knows... he knows what to do.
The massa ask two more time before Lilith realise that he was talking to her.
—Good lord, I can barely stand.... What hour is this, I wonder? Homer? W
here’s Homer? I . . . I can’t have her see me like . . . Homer?
Lilith get into action. She work up a fire while the massa try not to fall back over in him chair. She listen to him talking about how he should not have gone carousing without Quinn. How Quinn is him conscience and him better man and the man who God has placed to save him from himself.
—Damn that man, he say out loud.
Lilith put the kettle on the stove and reach in Homer cupboard, the one that nobody go into, and grab the little brown sack that she think have comfrey tea. But she don’t know. Lilith perplex. A woman like Homer could have any kind of bush. Bush to make you happy or sad, sick or well. Lilith don’t know. Maybe brown be a good colour, and maybe she wouldn’t keep the evil bush right in front. Maybe she put it in front just to spite whoever come to rob her. Maybe she should just mix him regular green tea. But he slump in the chair and don’t know what to do with himself and the usual company coming for breakfast. Maybe if she help him, save him, he would look at her different. Not special, only different. Lilith thinking that she must think clearer.
—I’s gone fix you up, massa, she say, but quiet and not to him. Lilith can’t think of addressing the massa directly, certainly not without he asking first and even then the word slip out like little gasps. Massa Humphrey hair too fiery, him eye too blue, him shoulder too strong and him close-cut breeches hiding nothing. Lilith look away and listen to him breathing slow. She put back the brown sack and pull out a burlap bag. It smell of fever grass, the tea that bring peace to a troubled mind or belly. Or ginger. She hope. She put the bag back. Massa Humphrey nodding. She find tea in a purple bag next to a bottle full with white sugar. The kettle start to whistle.
Then a spirit fly up in her head and she don’t know where it come from. The spirit dance in a drumbeat like it come from the Africa. Or mayhaps it be something she remember. Or mayhaps it be something Homer say to Pallas or Pallas say to Gorgon or one house nigger say to the other. A woman get whipped or killed if they even suspect her of Obeah. But the voice was a beat that match her heart. Collect it, collect it quick, she say. When that hour come, that hour in the month, the time of womanness. Collect it in a jar and when nobody looking, mix it in him dark tea or peas soup. As soon as he drink it, he bound to love you and forsake all other. He goin’ love you till love turn him into fool.