• • •
There’s a lot to be said for having friends and family around you. When life throws you something unexpected, you don’t have to face it all by yourself, alone. There are shared memories, shared joys and heartaches … connections. If you are lucky enough to find yourself blessed with such people, you can count yourself rich many times over. To ask for more would be crazy. And ungrateful.
Why, oh, why do I still feel like something’s missing?
What am I still looking for?
Callie closed her notebook and stared out her bedroom window at the night.
Chapter Eight
Callie had packed much too lightly when she left New York. She was lucky that her mother had not emptied the old bureau in Callie’s former room and donated all of her old clothes to charity. Granted, much of what remained was no longer in style, and a few things didn’t fit Callie exactly the way they used to, but there were still plenty of t-shirts and tank tops that were serviceable —
She reached in and pulled out some black fabric.
— and one black bikini. It was very plain and ordinary, but it hardly made sense to go out and spend money on a new swimsuit just for one day on the river. Besides, she planned to wear a t-shirt over it anyway, so it didn’t really matter what it looked like.
She tried it on in front of the mirror, just to make sure it still fit, and it did. Maybe a bit too well. She was a little curvier now than she had been at sixteen, and the suit showed it. Self-conscious, she pulled on the first t-shirt she could find, one bearing the name of a rock band she barely remembered anymore. Better, she decided, examining her reflection. Less attractive, but better for that same reason. More conservative. She was finding it hard enough to be around Danny and not want to get closer to him, and if he felt anything like she did, than it would be wiser not to show much skin. Skin made a person think about reckless things, like what it might feel like to touch it.
She had found a tube of sunscreen in the medicine cabinet earlier, and now she rubbed it on her legs and arms, her mind drifting back again to Danny. It was probably a bad idea, this day in the sun they were planning. If she were smart, she would have called up and canceled. On the surface it sounded innocent enough, but she would be alone with him, and it was hard enough for her to keep her head on straight when they were in the presence of other people. Alone with him, anything could happen.
An image flickered into her mind before she could stop it, her fingers sliding up his back, his mouth on her neck. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to indulge in the fantasy for a moment. She had wanted him since high school, and clearly, time had not changed things. If anything, her years away from him had only made it clear that other men did not affect her the way he did.
Would it really be so wrong to give in, just a little? Just to allow herself something to hold on to and remember down the road?
Callie opened her eyes, suddenly ashamed. Giving in would be selfish. It would be bliss, she was sure, but then it would turn to regret. Not just for her, but for Danny. Because she would still leave, she knew that, and it would hurt him. She might want to stay, but a part of her wouldn’t let her do that, and she wasn’t sure why. But she was sure that she would never forgive herself if she hurt Danny.
She finished dressing and went downstairs, stepping softly. There was no sign that her mother was up yet, so Callie moved about the kitchen quietly, forcing herself to eat something for breakfast because she was more tense than hungry. Danny had said nothing about food, but they would likely be out for more than a little while. A picnic lunch might not be out of place. Nothing fancy, she thought, opening the refrigerator door and rifling through the contents. Some fruit, cheese … maybe some crackers. Her fingers hovered over a little plastic basket of strawberries, and another image came into her head, one of her holding a ripe berry to Danny’s lips to feed him.
She left the berries untouched in the fridge.
A few minutes later, she left the kitchen with a brown paper sack of snack foods thrown hastily together and a bottle of water. She glanced at her watch: time to go. But she hesitated a moment longer with a look down the hall toward the closed door of her mother’s bedroom. They had been avoiding each other since their last conversation. She started to take a step toward the door, intending to knock, and then stopped. This was not the time. Danny was expecting her, and a conversation like the one she hoped to have with her mother would likely not be a quick one.
Sighing, she turned to go to the front door. A piece of paper was taped to it, a bit of quick handwritten scrawl across it. Drawing closer, she recognized it as her mother’s writing:
Callie,
Dinner at 6:00.
We need to talk.
A prickle went up Callie’s spine. It had to have something to do with her father.
Would it be the answers she had been wanting, or would that door be shut in her face again? Once more, she was tempted to go and knock on her mother’s door, but she was afraid to push her luck. If her mother really was about to finally open up to her about Callie’s father, the wrong word at the wrong time could wreck things, and who knew when she would get this chance again? It would be wiser to wait.
Reaching into her purse, she grabbed a pen and scribbled a brief response, her hand shaking slightly.
I’ll see you at six.
She drove with the car window down, hoping the fresh air would clear her head. It was warm already, even at this early hour, but blessedly free of the humidity she had grown accustomed to on the East Coast. She would miss that when she left. She would miss a lot of things.
For what might have been at least the hundredth time since she had been home, she considered the possibility of what might happen if she stayed. She had barely entertained the thought before a panicky feeling that might have been akin to claustrophobia began rising up inside. She had never been able to explain it before, and she couldn’t now. Instead, she buried it again and turned her thoughts elsewhere.
The roads were hardly crowded, but there was more traffic than she had expected at this time of day. Many of the vehicles she saw were towing boats or bicycles, evidence of plans for the day. Several cars seemed to hold families, kids bouncing around in the back seat in anticipation of the day ahead. For the first time in a long time, she felt a touch of wistfulness at the sight.
By the time Callie reached Danny’s rafting outfitter, she was a mass of confusion and jumbled feelings. Things had been so clear to her back in New York. Now she felt as if she had no idea what she really wanted. It was driving her crazy. She didn’t need these complications.
Danny’s truck was parked out front. A pair of oars was visible in the truck bed along with a small raft, just large enough for two people.
Go, a little voice inside Callie’s head pleaded with her. Just turn around and leave. It could be a grave mistake for her to go with him today, considering how she felt about him. She was asking for trouble.
But it was one of the last chances she would have to see him before she left, she told herself with a pang of sadness. Soon enough she would be thousands of miles away from him, and who knew when she would see him again? She didn’t belong here with him, not in the long run, but she could have the here and now as long as she didn’t let herself get too close. It was just one day, after all.
Then he appeared, walking around the corner from the back of the building, and she had no choice but to stay now. His face wore a distracted look, as if he was deep in thought, and she wondered if it had anything to do with her. He glanced up, seeing her car, and a warm smile spread across his face. Her breathing sped up.
He ambled casually toward her car, the very picture of a man relaxed, and she thought he must not have been feeling anything quite like she was feeling if he could approach her so easily. Taking a deep breath, she opened her car door and stepped out. “Mornin
g.”
“Morning.” He adjusted the weathered baseball cap on his head. “Glad you made it. I wasn’t sure if you’d be used to such early hours, after life in the big city.”
He was teasing her, she knew. She forced the same lightness into her own voice. “Ha. You have no idea what city life is like, buddy. I keep hours that would drop you.”
“Sure, you talk big, but let’s see how you hold up. Ready?”
Callie grabbed her few things from off the front seat. “Lead the way.”
• • •
The ride in the truck was a quiet one.
Danny thought Callie’s cheerfulness seemed stiff, as if she was doing her best to hide somber thoughts beneath it. He supposed he was doing much the same thing, trying to act natural when he felt anything but. Today’s outing may have been a bad idea since each time he saw her it grew harder and harder for him to maintain the line between friendship and something more. He had considered canceling, but could not bring himself to do it.
You’re a fool, he thought to himself. It will only make it harder to say goodbye to her when she leaves again.
Danny turned his attention to the road again.
He knew this river as well as he knew himself, and today he planned to take Callie to a spot that he doubted many other people had ever seen. It was alongside an offshoot of the river that was challenging to navigate but worth the trouble when the end was reached. He had discovered it one day when he had been craving an escape from tourists and was willing to endure a bit of a struggle in order to venture off the beaten path.
Today would be the first time he had taken another person there. He wondered if Callie would see the same beauty in it that he did.
He turned the truck down a dirt road and followed it to its end, little more than a small clearing a stone’s throw from the water’s edge. “We’ll put in here,” he said, getting out of the truck. Without a word, Callie helped him get the raft out from the back of the truck and carry it to the river. She let him put the food she had brought into a cooler he had prepared, and watched him stow the few other things they had with them as compactly as possible.
“Is there room for us?” she asked doubtfully, eyeing the small raft.
“Just try to think of it as cozy, not crowded.”
“You’re the expert.”
They pushed the raft out into the water before climbing aboard. The water was cool, refreshing in the growing heat of the morning. Danny smelled the scent of sunscreen on Callie’s skin as he settled behind her in the raft, and he marveled again at how pale she was. “When’s the last time you spent an entire day outdoors, Callie?”
She considered his question. “Probably the last time I was on the water with you,” she said finally.
Seated behind her as he was, he couldn’t see her face, but he thought there was a note of something in her voice that he couldn’t quite place. Nostalgia, maybe? Maybe he only wanted it to be.
He remembered the last time they had gone rafting together. She had just graduated from high school, and their trip was meant to be celebratory. Callie had been full of laughter that day, and full of mischief. She had begged him to hit the roughest patches of whitewater, alternating between cajoling and making barbs about his manhood to try to shame him into doing what she wanted. It had been the most fun he’d had in a long time, and it might have been the first time Danny had realized that his best friend’s little sister was growing up. It was certainly the first time he remembered feeling any kind of pangs of self-consciousness around her.
She spoke as if reading his thoughts. “So, are we hitting the rapids today?”
“Not today.”
“What are we doing, then?”
He used an oar to push them out into the current. “Exploring.”
“Going where no man has gone before, eh?”
“Well … not many.”
He let the current carry them most of the way, relaxing and reveling in the stillness of their surroundings. This far from town, there were no sounds of cars to break the silence. The only sounds to be heard were the occasional cry of a bird and the sounds of the river as it coursed forward. Did she like it, too? he wondered. Or did she miss the sounds of city bustle?
Her head tilted slightly, as if she was listening, too. A bird of prey swooped down to pluck a fish from the water, and Callie straightened, exclaiming and pointing. Danny smiled inwardly, pleased to see her enjoying herself.
A few minutes later, they veered down the narrow offshoot for which he had been aiming. This part required careful navigation due to sharp rocks protruding from the water, but rafting was like breathing to him, and he got them through it with no trouble. He headed the raft to the shoreline a short distance downstream where the water flowed into a small, still pool that was beside a sandy strip of beach. It was surrounded by steep hillsides and trees on all sides, and it was peaceful in its seclusion.
“Well,” Danny said, letting their gentle momentum carry the raft a few inches up onto the beach. “What do you think?”
“Oh, Danny, it’s beautiful,” she breathed, and when she voiced her approval he felt tension he hadn’t realized he had been carrying relax. “How did you ever find this place?”
“Just followed my instincts, I guess.”
“Do you bring any of your customers here?”
“No. Never.”
“Good,” she said, sounding relieved as well as pleased. Stepping carefully from the raft, she waded in ankle deep water toward the shore and kicked off her shoes. After making sure the raft wasn’t going anywhere, Danny grabbed their things and followed her.
“Too early to eat,” he noted, spreading out a large blanket and putting the rest of their things on top of it. “But not to swim. It’s warming up already. Care to join me?” He drew his shirt up over his head and tossed it aside along with his baseball cap.
“Maybe in a minute,” she answered, lowering her eyes. “You go ahead.”
“Suit yourself.” He waded back into the water, out where it was deepest, and dove beneath it.
• • •
Callie sat onto the blanket, trying hard not to watch Danny as he surfaced and then dove again. Her eyes betrayed her, though, and they refused to look away. His body was lean and hard everywhere, and tanned by countless hours in the sun. Droplets of water trickled down his chest and stomach, following the contours of the muscles there. Her mouth grew dry, and she reached blindly for her bottle of water. Did his skin feel as smooth as it looked? She closed her eyes and drank deeply.
The sun climbed further overhead. Its heat beat down on her, and she thought how inviting the water looked, particularly with Danny in it. Don’t do it, her inner voice warned her frantically, but she slid her shorts down over her long legs and kicked them off, then took hold of the t-shirt she had sworn she was going to leave on and pulled it off over her head, leaving only her swimsuit underneath.
Standing up, she walked slowly toward the water’s edge. Danny surfaced again, wiping water from his face with his hands and then letting them fall to his sides as he caught sight of her. She was not bold enough to make eye contact with him, but she continued into the water without pause, willing herself not to blush under his scrutiny. The coolness of the water was a shock against her bare skin, but she went in deeper, needing the cover it offered from his eyes. It was only deep enough to come up just past her waist, though, so she dived beneath the surface as Danny had done moments earlier.
When she came up again, it was with her back deliberately to him. She ran her fingers over her hair to wring out some of the water there. “Very refreshing,” she said over her shoulder, but her voice sounded strained even to her.
“Yes, it is.”
She heard ripples move across the water, and she knew he was moving toward her. She wanted him to, and yet she pan
icked at the thought of what he might do when he reached her. She lost whatever nerve she’d had that had compelled her to enter the water in the first place, and she began to wade back toward the shore. “I know it’s early, but I could do with something to eat. You want something?”
• • •
Yes, Danny thought, watching her step out of the water. You.
“All right,” was all he said.
Her body was lithe and lean, and he suspected it would haunt his dreams from now on. He thought he had been in trouble before, but now he knew he was lost. There was no way it was humanly possible for him to make it through this day without touching her.
His eyes were drawn to the small of her back. “So you weren’t making it up.”
“Making what up?” she asked as she rummaged through the cooler.
“Your tattoo.”
She paused. “Oh. That.” She reached for her t-shirt and put it on, covering the small black design from view.
He followed her out of the water. “What is it?”
“It’s Japanese.” She seemed intently focused on the contents of the cooler and didn’t look up as he approached.
“Does it mean something?” he asked, settling down onto the blanket beside her.
“Loosely translated, it means something like ‘free spirit,’” she answered, shifting her position to put a little more space between them. “Do you disapprove?”
She was as much on edge as he was, he realized. “No,” he said softly. “It suits you.”
“Thank you,” she said, sounding surprised. She held out an apple, conjuring up images in his head of Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Fruit?”
He deliberately let his fingers touch hers as he took it from her. Her cheeks turned pink, and he didn’t think it was from the heat of the day. “Can I take a look at it?”
“Take a look at what?”
A slow grin curved his mouth. Yes, she was nervous. It made him want to touch her all the more, she, the hardened woman of the city. “Your tattoo.”
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