The Cruiserweight

by L. Anne Carrington

  *****

  "Oh, look at your frilly little dress," Nick said in a falsetto voice, trying not to laugh while his brother hung up the tiny garment and a suit in the back seat.

  “You suck,” Brett answered. “I hope whatever woman you marry someday puts you through something ten times worse than this.”

  “But your dress will look so perfect on you,” Eddie replied. Both he and Nick burst into laughter.

  Brett glared at them. “Do you two want to walk home, or should I body slam you first?”

  Eddie cleared his throat. “Right. Never piss off a guy with wrestling experience, no matter what size he is.”

  “At least one of you is smart,” Brett said.

  *****

  Karen emerged from the changing room wearing an ankle length ivory lace dress with beading and an A-line skirt. It was simple, yet tasteful.

  "What do you ladies think?" she asked.

  "I think Brett’s going to exercise a lot of restraint from ravaging you in front of the judge,” Sharon said. "You look fantastic.”

  Phoebe nodded in approval. “Very classy.”

  Karen turned around several times. “Everything fits okay, right?”

  “No, your ass doesn’t look bigger,” Phoebe replied, sensing the unasked question.

  “I wish Mom hadn’t changed her mind about coming with us,” Sharon said. “She would love it. But she’ll see it at the wedding.”

  Karen nodded. “I hope she’s doing okay with Autumn. This is the first time I’ve left the two of them alone.”

  “Trust me, she enjoys playing grandma at every opportunity.”

  “I bet. All right, let me get changed, and then we can go to lunch at that posh new restaurant down the street. I think after all the chaos these last few weeks, we deserve to be spoiled a little.”

  Sharon giggled. “She has one of Brett’s credit cards,” she whispered to Phoebe.

  *****

  "I’m home!” Karen called. “Pilar? Are you still here?”

  Brett came into the living room carrying Autumn, who was giggling. “I sent Ma back to her hotel after I got back.”

  "There’s my good girl.” Karen kissed her head. “Was she okay while I was gone?”

  “She and Ma had a great time together,” he replied. "How was your fitting?”

  “Everything’s perfect, thank goodness. Lord knows the last thing we need right now is any more delays.”

  "Are you going to model it for me?"

  "No," Karen said with a chuckle and locked the garment bag in her special closet. She took Autumn from him. "Did you get her dress?"

  Brett pointed to where Autumn’s dress hung and rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Do you enjoy embarrassing the hell out of me? Don’t do that kind of shit when I’m with other dudes.”

  “Serves you right for not helping me pick it out.” She went over to inspect the dress.

  “Oh, hey, the vet called while you were out. Jack’s due for his shots.”

  “He’s your cat, so you take him.”

  “Vet made an appointment for tomorrow at eleven-thirty.”

  “Brett, did you forget? We have to meet the judge at one.”

  “How long does it take for a vet to give shots?”

  “Probably less time than it will for you to get Jack into his carrier.”

  “Good point, now that you mentioned it. Last time I tried to put him in that thing, my arms looked like an emo kid’s.”

  “You better get an early start.”

  “Yeah, between looking forward to the Jack vs. Cat Carrier wrestling match, and then fighting traffic, starting my day earlier tomorrow doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

  CHAPTER 81

  “Meoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrr!!! Meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrr! Meoooooowwwwrrrrr!!!”

  Ear-splitting caterwauling emerged from the back seat as Brett drove Jack to his vet. He gritted his teeth, trying to block out the incessant howling.

  “Meowwwwwwwwwrrrr!”

  “For the love of Christ, Jack, will you put a lid on it? You’re just going for a routine visit, not to your own execution.”

  The cat hushed for a moment when Brett stopped at a light, then began to howl once the car moved. Next time, I’m getting a dog.

  He was less than a mile from the vet’s office when Jack finally stopped meowing. Soon after, Brett heard a low, strange sound before he scrunched up his face at the smell filling his car.

  “You damn cat. Please tell me you didn’t just take a dump in that carrier.”

  Sounds came from the carrier in response, as if Jack was trying to cover what he’d done, or escape the pungent odor.

  “Sucks to be you, buddy. You’re stuck in there until we get to the vet. Maybe next time you won’t be such a brat.”

  Brett arrived at the office several minutes later. He jumped from the car and retrieved Jack. “Jesus, you stink,” he said, making another face. “Of all places to take a shit. I feel sorry for the people who have to deal with you.”

  He avoided contact with other people by sitting in a far corner of the waiting room after he’d checked in. No use exposing everyone else.

  Brett was barely seated when the receptionist called his name. Thank God. This fucking carrier’s really starting to reek.

  “Sorry about the carrier,” he said to the vet assistant. “Jack had an accident on the way here.”

  “Don’t worry. We see things like that happening all the time. We’ll take care of Jack and have his carrier cleaned when you leave.”

  Oh, you poor girl. Better wear a gas mask. Brett peered in the carrier. “Behave, stinky.”

  Jack glared in response.

  He was headed home within thirty minutes, a clean, deodorized carrier containing an immunized cat in tow. To Brett’s pleasant surprise, Jack didn’t fuss on the way home; instead, he’d gone to sleep.

  “Back with the fur beast,” Brett said when he arrived home. He placed the carrier on the floor and opened its door. Jack bolted as if it were a prison break and hid under the sofa.

  Karen smiled. “Jack protected from all kinds of nasty diseases for another year, huh?”

  “Yeah, after he almost killed me with his toxic waste during the trip there.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “To put it in polite terms, he left a ‘present’ in the carrier before we got to the vet.”

  “Oh, no. He went to the bathroom in it?”

  “Not just ‘went to the bathroom.’ Took a giant shit that would’ve peeled paint, curdled the milk, and killed off half of this country’s population. Little Bit’s dirty diapers smell like roses in comparison. I felt compelled to pay the vet’s staff extra for having to clean that mess, but they wouldn’t accept it.”

  “Sometimes I think people who work in that business should receive some kind of hazard pay.”

  “Yeah, especially when they deal with pets like Jack. Two more people had to hold him down while the vet gave him his shots.”

  “Can’t blame him in that respect. I’m not a fan of needles either.” Karen looked at the clock. “We need to get to the courthouse if we’re going to make our appointment with the judge.”

  Brett picked up his car keys again and opened the door for her. “Ready anytime you are, madam.”

  CHAPTER 82

  “Man, that judge is hot,” Brett said while he and Karen sat outside the chambers. “Nice ass on her. You have some good taste in picking one to perform our wedding.”

  “Hate to disappoint you, love, but that’s his clerk,” Karen said with a smile.

  “His?”

  “Judge Bass should be ready for us in a few minutes.”

  Brett gave her a mock pout. “Gee, thanks for ruining my afternoon.”

  “What, I won’t be enough to look at during our wedding?”

  “Just messing, baby. I only have eyes for you.”

  “That’s better. Wonder how Sharon’s doing with Autumn?”

  “Prob
ably spoiling Little Bit Silly as much as Ma did. I have a feeling we’re going to have a fun time getting that kid to sleep tonight.”

  “Speaking of people who spoil Autumn,” Karen said, I almost forgot to tell you that Patrick’s coming back tomorrow night from Austin.”

  “Cool. Another day he and I can hang out with Nick and Eddie before the wedding.”

  “No shenanigans, mister. Everything’s been smooth these last few days, and I don’t need any last-minute headaches.”

  “If you’re thinking there’s going to be a wild bachelor party, I already told Patrick no,” Brett said. “I think all of us should go to a quiet dinner the night before and leave it at that.”

  Karen gave him a wide smile. “Brett, that’s an excellent idea! Tell you what, since you came up with the suggestion, and you know Orlando better than I do, could you pick out a good restaurant and make reservations?”

  “Ask and you shall receive, sweetheart.”

  “Good. It’ll be the final task to be done once we’re finished with the judge. Here comes the clerk, so that means Judge Bass is ready for us.”

  *****

  Brett met Patrick at the airport Tuesday evening. Patrick‘s flight from Austin arrived on time, and the pair returned to Brett and Karen‘s apartment.

  “Da, da, da, da! Here is the bride!” Patrick sang and poked Karen in the ribs when he came in the door. “How are you, gorgeous?”

  “Before or after you almost made me jump out of my skin?” Karen asked.

  “Sorry,” Patrick said. “I just love weddings.”

  “More like he loves the free food and booze,” Brett replied.

  “Oh, come on, Midget, you know me better than that.”

  “Yeah, I know you, all right.” Brett started to laugh. “I could write a book about some of your antics.”

  “Hey, Karen, talking about books, how’s progress on your novel?” Patrick asked.

  “Would you believe it’s almost finished? I just sent my manuscript to the publisher. The paperback version’s going to come out early next year.”

  “Awesome!”

  “Yes, you’re still getting a free copy,” Karen said.

  “Even better. Where’s Autumn?”

  “With Brett’s sister. We’re all going to dinner later, so you might want to clean up and change.”

  “Yeah,” Brett said. “We have reservations at Antonio’s up in Sandlake for eight o’clock. Everybody should be here in about an hour.”

  “Wow, Mr. Fancy Pants tonight, are we?”

  “Night before my wedding, I think I have a right to splurge on the people I care about most, don’t you think?”

  Patrick hugged his longtime best friend. “You sure do, man, and thanks for making me part of this special moment in your life.”

  Brett returned the hug. “Wouldn’t have it any other way, holmes.”

  CHAPTER 83

  Antonio’s was an elegant but not ostentatious, yet Brett, Nick, Eddie, and Patrick felt lost dining in such an upscale establishment. When their food arrived, each stared at the array of flatware that lay before them.

  Their confusion wasn’t lost on Karen. “Start on the outside and work your way in,” she told them.

  “Really?” Patrick asked.

  “You’ll never go wrong using that system.”

  “Thanks, K,” Eddie said. “Nice to have someone with us who knows what they’re doing.”

  “Nicholas, sit up straight,” Pilar told Nick. “We’re not at McDonald’s.”

  “Hey, guys, watch this,” Brett said, taking a little food from his plate. “Little Bit, try some for Daddy.”

  “Brett,” Karen said, “she’s six months old and doesn’t have any teeth.”

  “Don’t worry, it’s soft.” He attempted to feed his offering to Autumn, who took a small morsel and made a face.

  “I don’t think she wants any more, man,” Nick said when the others laughed.

  “Quit using the baby for entertainment and finish your dinner,” Pilar said. She gave Autumn a bottle. “Here, sweetie, this might be better.”

  Brett looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “Ma, we’re not kids. I’m the one getting married tomorrow, remember?”

  “I know. Now act like an adult the night before his wedding.”

  “No bachelor party?” Eddie asked.

  Brett shook his head. “Don’t want and don’t need one.”

  “Killjoy.”

  “Eddie,” Phoebe said, “not every guy dreams of lap dances and getting drunk the night before his wedding. Seriously, grow up.”

  “You, Nick, and I can go clubbing later,” Patrick answered, then turned to Brett. "It’s your last night of freedom. What are your plans after dinner?”

  "Jesus, Pat, I’m getting married, not imprisoned," Brett replied.

  "What’s the difference?" Nick asked, which earned him a slap on the head from Sharon. “Quite being an asshole,” she said.

  Brett shook his head at the exchange. “I’m planning to head back home for the night with Karen and our daughter. It’s been a hectic two weeks.”

  “I’d say ‘hectic’ is an understatement,” Karen said. “At least by tomorrow, all of this will be a memory.”

  “Hopefully a very good memory. Everyone ready for dessert?”

  The women looked at each other and smiled. “Bottomless Pit Brett,” she and Sharon said in unison, before the entire table broke into laughter.

  CHAPTER 84

  “Come on, grumpy,” Karen said the next morning when the alarm clock rang at eight-thirty. “Up.”

  A long groan came from under the pile of blankets. “Do I have to?” Brett asked.

  “Yes you do. It’s our wedding day. Everything’s going to be perfect." She threw back the covers. “Move your lazy ass.”

  "We can always postpone the wedding."

  "Would you stop?" she said, chuckling. “Go clean up while I take care of Autumn.”

  Karen got out of bed to get the baby, then fed and bathed Autumn before handing her to Brett to entertain while she started getting ready. She gathered everything she’d need and set it near the front door. She gave him a quick kiss before she was ready to leave. “Make sure you’re at the judge’s chambers by noon.”

  He wrote something on a Post-It note and stuck it on his forehead. “Got it.”

  She laughed. “You’re something else.”

  Brett looked around. “Shit, where’s my suit?”

  “In the bedroom closet, where you put it.”

  “Oh, right.”

  “Everything’s going to be perfect,” she said again before she took Autumn and left.

  *****

  "I’m here," Karen called as she carried Autumn and their things into Phoebe‘s hotel suite.

  Phoebe, who was already dressed and her hair and makeup immaculate, greeted her.

  “You’re just beautiful!” Karen said. “I knew that dress would be right for you.”

  "Who knew a hairdresser and makeup artist who performs miracles existed?”

  “Don’t be silly. You’re probably had the easiest job they’ll have all morning.”

  “Oh, Miz Kerrigan’s here, and so is Sharon. Come join the crowd!”

  “That’s a pleasant surprise. They can help dress and entertain Autumn while I’m getting ready.”

  Pilar came out and greeted Karen. "There you are, and you brought our little sugar plum!”

  Karen handed over Autumn. “Could you and Sharon dress her?”

  “I’d love to.”

  “I left everything for her in that blue case by the door.”

  “Come on,” Phoebe said, taking Karen’s hand, “I’ll introduce you to Jeff and Raoul, the miracle workers.”

  “Darling!” a tall, lanky man beamed when he spotted Karen. “You must be the guest of honor. I’m Jeff. I’ll be working on your hair.”

  “I’m Karen, and since I have short hair, it shouldn’t take long.”

  “You’re very l
ovely, so your makeup won’t take long either,” a shorter Latino man replied.

  Karen smiled. “You must be Raoul.”

  “At your service, my dear.”

  “Aren’t they the sweetest guys?” Phoebe asked. “Talented too. Sharon found them.”

  “We’re actually fans of your husband-to-be,” Raoul said as he worked on her face. “He’s hot. You lucky woman.”

  “Thanks…I think.”

  "You all right, darling?" Jeff asked Karen, giving her the once over. "You look a little flushed."

  “Bridal jitters. I’ll be fine. Come on, gentleman, think you can perform the same miracles on me that you did Phoebe?”

  *****

  “Hey, do you all think these pants make Kerrigan’s ass look big?” Patrick asked in an amused voice, lifting Brett’s suit jacket.

  “Hilarious.” Brett rolled his eyes.

  Eddie shook his head. “Dude, you have issues.”

  “Honestly, man, checking out guys’ asses? Is that like sort of a wrestler trait?” Nick raised a suspicious eyebrow.

  “Patrick into guys? Did hell freeze over and I missed it?” Brett asked. “He’s one of the biggest skirt chasers I know.”

  “I’ll have you know that I have standards,” Patrick replied.

  “Yeah, she has to have a pulse, an IQ less than 100, a single-digit dress size, and big tits.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Did I mention you’re a lost cause?”

  “Only several times over the last ten years we’ve known each other.”

  “Do you still have the rings?”

  “Huh? Oh, wait.” Patrick rummaged through his suit pocket, as if he’d misplaced the rings that were to be in his possession. “Shit, where did they go?”

  Brett went red. “You stupid fucking asshole, if you lost them…”

  A goofy grin crossed Patrick’s face. He reached in his jacket pocket and pulled out two gold rings. “Oops! Must’ve missed them the first time.”