by Sybil Smith
"Alright, you know the rule," Darren pipes up. He’s the oldest Banks sibling, and most concerned with sticking to tradition. "One thing you're thankful for before we get to eat." He picks up his fork, hoping everyone says something quick and to the point. The food is calling his name, after all. "I'm thankful for family and, uh…this food. Definitely the food."
Clara rolls her eyes and nudges him in the ribs. "Really, Darren? That's all you're thankful for?"
Darren pokes Davis with his fork. "What about you little bro? I'm hungry so hurry up."
Davis puts on his most innocent face. "I'm glad Ma still has her hands so she can still cook for us."
Vera tries to cover up a laugh behind her hand.
Clara scowls. There's no way she is responsible for raising such hooligans. She shakes her head and then looks to Evelyn with a smile. "What about you, dear?"
Evelyn can feel the heat rise to her face from being put on the spot. There are so many things that she isn't thankful for, and yet there are so many things she is. Her son, her apartment, her job…Vera.
Vera. The woman who's helping her cope, pulling her out of the muddy water she had started to drown in. The woman who has saved her in more ways than even she knows about. The woman who accepts her for her faults, her demons, and expects absolutely nothing in return. The one person who has stood by her side no matter how many times she's pushed and shoved and tried to hide away from her. There are so many things she can say, but decides on the least complicated thing of all. The rest can be told to Vera later since even Evelyn knows that privacy would be futile when it comes to admitting things of that depth. She turns and looks at Vera, her lips curving up in the tiniest of smiles.
"I'm thankful to have Vera. She's…she's my first real friend. I'd rather not have to imagine my life without her in it."
She feels everyone grow solemn and she fears she's pushed too far, made things awkward just like she always does. But it's the reassuring squeeze on her hand that extinguishes her doubts. Vera smiles back at her, forgetting anyone else is still at the table. "I'm thankful to have you in my life, too, Ev. You're great and smart and funny and, well, you're my best friend."
No one has ever said anything remotely close to that about her before. It makes her elated and terrified at the same time. At almost 35, an admission like that shouldn’t make her feel like this. But it does, and she doesn’t hate it.
Her hand grows sweaty in Vera's grip, but doesn't dare let go.
After idle chat about work and Evelyn gracefully skirting around sensitive subjects while eating, they finish and Vera all but pulls Evelyn out the door to watch the football game at her apartment together. Evelyn looks at Vera from the passenger seat. "Thank you for doing this for me, Vera."
Instead of answering, Vera reaches out and rubs her thumb against the softness of her cheek. Evelyn tentatively grins, relishing the feel of Vera's hand against her face. Even she, as socially awkward as she tends to be, can tell this isn't something only friends do. She supposes she should be scared, she should pull back from the blurry line they're treading on, but for once in her life she doesn't. It's been such a very, very long time since she's been in a position such as this. She wants it. She wants to remember what it's like even though it might screw everything up.
Evelyn tries to hold back, she really does. But the desire to feel a pair of lips against hers—Vera's lips—is overwhelming. The air grows thick, hanging heavily down around them with tension that she swears she can feel hugging her skin as she leans those last few inches towards Vera. She hovers so close that their breath is mingling and she feels the damp, warm air from Vera's mouth flit across her skin.
Vera doesn't dare move closer; she knows when to push and now definitely isn't the time. This is all up to Evelyn now. It's up to her to decide the pace and decide how far she's ready to go.
Evelyn senses Vera's apprehension. It almost makes her stop and pull away. She could pretend this was all a fluke and after effect of the wine from this morning.
But...she doesn't.
As soon as their lips graze against each other, an electric pulse travels through her and extends out over her entire being. She sucks in a breath, sharply, and presses closer, more firmly, soft against soft, loving it, relishing it, and never wanting this moment to end.
She's never felt this way with anyone before. Not with Tristan’s father, not with any of the women she dated in the past—never before.
It terrifies her.
She quickly pulls back, eyes wide and fingers ghosting across her lips. "Oh, Vera…I'm sorry, I don't…"
"It's okay," Vera answers, trying to regain her senses. "It happens."
Evelyn looks back at her skeptically. She's never had a real friend, but she's pretty sure they don't do that. "It does?"
Vera shrugs again, trying to brush it off so Evelyn doesn't feel like she has overstepped and messed anything up between them. "It just did, didn't it?"
Evelyn doesn't like that answer, but she has no other friendships to compare this to. If Vera says it's okay, then all she can do is believe that everything is okay. When she tightens her grip on Vera's hand as they slowly make their way through snowy streets and Vera squeezes back, she smiles and runs her fingers across her lips once more.
She misses Tristan. She always will.
But she is tired of just existing.
She wants to live.
Chapter 10
"Do you think he'll choose to pass it to the tight rear?"
Vera skeptically looks over to Evelyn sitting next to her on the couch. "The tight rear? Really?"
Completely serious, Evelyn only blinks. Vera smiles and shakes her head. "It's the tight end, Ev." She pinches the bridge of her nose, trying not to laugh. Leave it to Evelyn to even make football sound sexual.
Evelyn shrugs and looks back at the tv. "Those words are generally synonymous." She watches as the quarterback passes the ball and the tight end barely catches it before getting tackled. She excitedly clenches her hands into fists. "I knew it! It was the best option in order to receive a first down."
Vera smiles in awe. It's the first football game Evelyn has ever watched and yet she's already managed to learn the ins and outs. Well, besides some of the more trivial names of the positions. As long as Evelyn doesn't call Tom Brady the Nickleback, she isn't too worried about it.
Up by three touchdowns and nine minutes left, Evelyn tries to cover up a yawn with her hand. Vera watches her blink heavily before turning off the tv and patting Evelyn's knee. "C'mon, let's go to bed."
Evelyn's brow wrinkles at the black screen. "It's not over yet. Don't you want to see who wins?"
Vera stands and extends her arm down to Evelyn. "I'm pretty sure we've got it in the bag. Besides, you're sleepy. It's been a long day. Not many people could put up with my family for that long and still be alive."
It had been quite a long day for her. It was the first Thanksgiving Evelyn had ever been to where she was made to eat until she was nearly sick—thanks to Clara's insistence. Waking up early, the food, the game…Evelyn feels exhausted. She just didn't want to be the reason Vera couldn't finish watching the last few minutes of a game she'd waited all day to see.
"You really shouldn't assume the outcome, Vera. We can finish it. I don't mind," she says through a yawn.
Vera laughs and grabs her hands to pull her up. "I'd rather not have to lug you to bed because you couldn't stay awake," she pauses and looks at Evelyn. "I'm not saying you're fat or anything. It'd just be easier for me if you walked there…I'm really not making this any better, am I?"
Evelyn smiles softly. "I understand what you mean."
It's only then that she remembers Vera only has one bed. Obviously. And it's not like they hadn't shared one before—granted, she was quite inebriated—but this was different.
Different because she had kissed Vera only hours before.
Kissed her and liked it.
Now she isn't so sure sharing a bed will be su
ch a good idea. She pauses in the doorway of the bedroom as Vera starts pulling clothes out of the dresser. "I really don't have to stay, Vera. It won't take that long for me to get home…" Vera raises an eyebrow. "I just don't want to make you uncomfortable since you're used to sleeping alone."
Vera tries her best to look offended. "What makes you think I always sleep alone? And who said I was going to sleep in here with you?"
Evelyn can feel the blush creep up her face. This is why she never assumes anything. She's always wrong. Nervously, she spins the ring around her finger and looks to the floor. "I only thought…I'm sorry."
Vera's laugh fills the room and she looks up, relief instantly washing over her.
"Relax. I was just messing with you." She holds up a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and walks over to the door. "Here. Put these on so we can go to bed."
Evelyn playfully raises her eyebrow. Vera rolls her eyes. "You felt how hard my couch was! No way in hell I'm sleeping on that."
"Mhmm…"
Vera pushes her out of the doorway and down the hall. "Don't even start with me, Ev. I've been known to kick in my sleep…especially when there's a smartass in my bed."
Evelyn exaggeratedly tilts her head and squints. "So you kick every time you're in bed?"
Shocked, Vera's mouth drops open. Evelyn just called her a smartass.
Before she can come up with a remotely decent comeback, Evelyn walks down the hall to the bathroom. Still shocked, Vera pulls back the comforter. She's never underestimating Evelyn again—she has more social understanding than she lets on.
Vera crawls in her side of the bed and waits until Evelyn returns before turning off the lamp beside her. They lay in silence—at least two feet apart—staring up at the ceiling. Finally, Evelyn rolls to face Vera and slowly slides her hand over to rest on her arm.
"Vera, do you mind if," she takes a deep breath before releasing Vera's arm and rolling onto her back again. "I'm sorry, it was silly. Never mind."
She had felt so much like part of Vera's family today—so much like part of Vera's life—that she wants it to last just a little bit longer. Just in case she does inevitable and scares Vera away.
She lays staring at the ceiling through the dark for only a few moments before Vera—seemingly reading her mind—scoots over and pulls them flush against each other. Their legs tangle, Vera's arm wraps around her waist, and she tucks her face into Vera's neck.
It's exactly what she wanted.
It's exactly how she imagined it would feel.
Actually, it feels even better.
She squirms closer and clenches her fist around some of the shirt on Vera's back. At this moment, she realizes how much she needs this, how no one has ever simply held her like this of their own accord.
She smiles to herself and takes a deep breath—inhaling the smell that's just so uniquely Vera—before she dares to whisper, "Thank you."
It's a thanks for being her friend, for helping slowly wade through the hardest part of her life. A thanks for being the only person that's ever stuck around simply because they wanted to and not due to any obligation.
A thanks for helping her how to remember what it's like to feel something other than pain and heartache.
A thanks for…loving her.
She internally berates herself. That's not what this is.
It can't be.
It's…it's a friendship. Strictly platonic.
That's all there is.
Anything more is merely a delusion. A distraction she's made up to save her from the pain-filled hell she was living in.
That's all. It has to be all it is…though she realizes they’re starting on a slippery slope impossible to climb back up from. They’re much less coworkers or friends now than ever. They’re…on the edge of something she isn’t quite sure how to back away from.
Vera, though, realizes just how much that 'thank you' means and pulls Evelyn tighter against her. She's not going to let her pull away—emotionally or physically—any time soon. For the first time in her life she truly wants to be with someone. Truly needs to be with someone.
And she's not going down without a fight.
Vera leans down and lightly kisses the top of her head as she gently runs her fingers across Evelyn's back. "Don't thank me. It's what I'm here for."
Here to love her. Support her. Hold her in the darkest hours of her life.
She's going to be there for it all, no matter how many times Evelyn tries to push her away.
The next day, they wake up tangled together like a new-age octopus. It doesn’t take long before they decide to get dressed and go to the orchard down the road.
Vera holds a warm Styrofoam cup out towards Evelyn not long after they arrive. Tentatively, she takes it and sniffs at the dark amber liquid. Her eyes light up with the familiarity. "I love apple cider. How did you know?"
Vera bashfully shrugs. "You just look like the type."
"There's a type?"
Vera laughs and shoves her hands in her pockets. "Yeah, the type that stares at every person that walks by them with some. Don't think I didn't notice how you were silently begging for it," she laughs and takes a sip from the cup. "I'm a detective for a reason, ya know."
Evelyn takes the cup and looks at the rim where Vera's lips had been only moments ago. "That's highly unsanitary."
Vera's eyebrows shoot up and she gasps. "If you're going to kiss me and share my bed, you're going to share that 9 dollar cup of apple cider the next day." She does one last indignant huff before crossing her arms. "And I'm not unsanitary, either. I'm very clean, just so you know. I haven't been sick in at least four years."
Evelyn looks down at the half empty cup and then back at Vera. "This was nine dollars?”
"That's the part you decide to dwell on? Really?"
Vera wishes Evelyn would dwell on the kissing part. She wouldn't mind doing that again. Preferably sooner than later.
She briefly glances at Evelyn's lips before intertwining their hands as they walk towards the orchard. Evelyn's hand briefly goes stiff before lacing her fingers with Vera's. She can't help the smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth or the quickened pace of her heartbeat. It just feels so utterly good—so right to be doing this.
Did friends do this?
She doesn't know. She's never had any. She wants to speak up and ask what they are, what they're doing. She wants to ask if Vera is feeling even a little bit of what she's feeling.
But before she gets the chance, a group of children rush out of a church bus and start running through the straw laying on the ground. Their laughter rings out through the air as they climb on the hay bells in the kiddie maze, as they go down slides on burlap sacks.
She shivers as she watches them—not sure if it's from the late autumn breeze or the memories of her son playfully running and laughing and doing the exact same things these children are doing.
Vera notices and pulls her closer as they all but stop walking. They watch as little girl trips over her feet before laughing and shakily standing back up to join her brother.
Vera looks from the play area to Evelyn's face. She's only gotten to see Evelyn's fully-dimpled smile a couple of times, but she so desperately wishes she could do something to make her smile like that right now. Especially when she looks so…broken. Longing.
Empty.
It's heartbreaking.
Vera looks at her and nervously clears her throat. "Do you think you'll ever have another?"
"I don't know," she pulls on Vera's hand until they're walking again. "It's not something I tend to think about. I just…I could never replace him. Tristan," she pauses to look up at the white clouds drifting through the sky, "Tristan taught me how to love. I always thought I'd be incapable of such an emotion, but from the very first time I held him... I finally knew what loving someone actually meant."
Evelyn briefly pulls back to throw away the cup before pressing back against Vera. She takes a deep breath and her eyes flick up to Vera
's face. "I feel like having another child would be doing them an injustice. Tristan taught me how to love, but he also taught me how much it hurts when it's gone. I don't know if I could love another child simply because I'd be afraid of getting attached and losing them, too. I don't think I could handle that again."
Vera only nods, not knowing what else to do.
What is there to say? She's never been a mother. She doesn't know the depth of that relationship, the pain of losing someone that close.
She only wishes Evelyn didn't either.
She kisses Evelyn's temple before walking ahead towards the stack of baskets by an apple tree. "Ten bucks says I'll pick more than you."
Evelyn looks up at a tree. The few apples that remain are small and going soft.
And inconveniently for her, at the tops of the trees.
She laughs and pinches Vera's arm. "Only because you're taller than me! That's really not a fair bet," she says, a smile still pulling at the edges of her lips.
Vera rubs her fingers across her chin as she pretends to contemplate. "I think it's a pretty fair bet." She drops the bucket and points up to a large, red apple hanging a few feet above her head. "Especially since you're going to get that one and all of mine are going to look like shit."
Evelyn looks up at it and frowns. Even if she tried to jump—which she wouldn't—it'd still be a couple of feet out of reach. She looks back at Vera and shakes her head. "I can't. It's too high—"
She laughingly shrieks as Vera grabs her around the thighs and lifts her up. She's too busy laughing to even attempt to reach for it.
Vera laughs right back. "You actually have to try, Evelyn. It's not going to float down into your hand because it thinks you're a pretty princess or something."
"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer," she says with a smile as she finally plucks it. Vera gently sets her back on the ground.
She looks at its shiny peel before tilting her head, grin still in place. "Was that really necessary?"