by Sybil Smith
It's not a long book, perhaps only twenty pages. But she makes sure to read it with as much conviction and interest that she can muster for him, especially since she's almost certain no one here does this for him. By the time she finally reads about Pluto and explains why it's no longer a planet, he's leaned completely back against her and taking in every single word. She was right. Regardless of his surroundings, his lust for knowledge has made him a relatively smart and inquisitive boy.
When she shuts the book, he finally turns—eyes scanning her face as if to memorize every single detail. He finally looks down, busying himself with the book. "You said you would come see me," his lip trembles. “You didn’t see me for a long time.”
She pulls him back against her, her fingers pushing his matted hair away from his face. She knows exactly how long it's been. Nearly hates herself for breaking that promise to him. He doesn't need anyone else abusing his naïve trust. She's makes it a point, at that very moment, to never do it again.
She nods her cheek against the top of his head as he cries, blinking back tears of her own. "I know. But I'll always come back, okay? It may take a while, but I'll always come back."
That's one promise she hopes she'll never have to break.
…
As soon as she gets home, she texts Vera and asks her to come over. Vera replies with more enthusiasm than Evelyn thinks is warranted—especially since she had actively been ignoring Vera for nearly two weeks—and arrives less than an hour later.
She opens the door to Vera standing there on the porch with snow in her black hair and a shy grin on her face, shifting from foot to foot. The inner turmoil shows plainly on Vera's face—unable to decide what is and isn't appropriate to do. They had kissed many, many times before… but now? After this rift? Vera doesn't want to push too much, too soon. Doesn't want to do anything Evelyn isn't comfortable with. And Evelyn can tell that's exactly what's bothering her.
"Vera," Evelyn greets, stepping to the side for Vera to come in. "I'm glad you could make it. I know it was rather short notice, but…we need to talk."
Vera's stomach drops. Shakily nodding her head, she follows Evelyn into the kitchen. "Yeah, I figured as much."
The anticipation and defeat is evident in Vera's voice. As Evelyn starts to make the coffee—knowing how much the warmth helped sooth Vera's hands in the cold weather—she looks over to Vera standing by her side.
"No, it's nothing like that. It's just…" Instead of finishing, she holds the cup out to Vera, smiling as she sees Vera's face relax almost the instant the warm cup is in her hand.
She watches Vera take sip after sip, taking deep breaths to calm herself as she tries to find a way to ease into this. Busying herself with making herself a cup of coffee, she clears her throat. "I'm moving to a larger apartment next week," she shakily utters without looking up at Vera.
Maybe Evelyn had just been busy looking for a new place to live. Maybe things weren't as rocky as they had seemed. Vera leans back against the counter and gives a small smile. "Tate feeling a little caged in?"
"No." She slowly turns to Vera and anxiously licks her lips. Heart pounding in her chest, hands clammy, she exhales slowly through her nose to steel herself against Vera's potential responses. "I'm trying to adopt."
Confused, shocked, and everything between, Vera's face falls and she stands up straight and one eyebrow quirks up. "Like….like a dog or something animal-ish, right?"
Evelyn's heart starts pounding harder in her chest. She's sure she's about to get sick. "Scientifically speaking….you could categorize him as a mammal."
"Him?" Vera sets her mug down and starts pacing back and forth across the small kitchen. She looks up, a mix of terror and shock on her face. "Him? Like a boy him? Or like a pet him?" She shakes her head and stops a few feet in front of Evelyn. "Please tell me it's a pet him."
Evelyn shakes her head. "No," her voice raspy from fighting the increasing tightness of her throat, "No it's a child."
Vera pinches the bridge of her nose and drops her head. Evelyn stands stock-still as the heavy silence shrouds them. Maybe it won't be as bad as she's imagining. Vera loves her. Vera promised to always stay. This can't go bad. No. She refuses to even think about how badly this might go.
But then Vera finally looks up and Evelyn's heart sinks. She knows that look. She's seen it too many times. It's the look of being left.
"Vera, you have to understand—"
"No, Evelyn, you have to understand. You can't just drop this on someone you're dating like that." Vera shakes her head and looks back down. Were they even still dating? It doesn't matter. She still loves Evelyn and being left out of something this big hurts. Absolutely hurts. "You didn't even trust me enough to tell me you thinking about it. You waited until you had already started trying."
Jaw clenching, Vera takes a step closer and shrugs—one hand turning palm-up towards Evelyn. "Do you know how that makes me feel?"
Evelyn stands in silence wringing her hands. She doesn't know what to say to smooth any of this over. Vera is right. She never should've kept this a secret. Vera must feel betrayed and hurt and…everything Evelyn had never wanted her to feel. She looks down and away, angry and disappointed with herself. Ashamed. Definitely ashamed.
Vera's eyebrows incredulously shoot up at the lack of response and she takes a step back as she points over her shoulder. "I'm gonna go. I'll call you later or something."
Terrified that the only person who she's ever been in love with and loved her back—ever trusted and absolutely needed—is about to walk out on her, she takes a step forward and finally manages to find her voice. "So you wanted to be with me when I had a deceased child, but not a live one?"
That's definitely not what she was expecting to say. She instantly claps her hand over her mouth, hoping that somehow the words will impossibly cease to exist. Tears burn her eyes as a few escape and roll down her cheeks.
Vera scoffs, angry and sad that Evelyn would even think that about her—would even think she's that kind of person. "What? Jesus, Evelyn. It's not like that. It's just…It's a lot to process. You have to give me a little time."
And even though Evelyn is crying and she wants so badly just to stay and make this okay—or at least help Evelyn feel a little more okay—she turns and walks out the door into the freezing cold night. And Evelyn has no idea if she's ever going to come back.
Chapter 22
The minutes tick by slowly. One after another after another, and she still can't will herself to move away from where she was standing when Vera had walked out the door.
She's always been bad with relationships due to lack of experience in them, she knows that, but even she knows she could've handled the situation insurmountably better. But what she doesn't know is if she should go out and find Vera, call Vera and tell her everything and not just a horribly shocking abridged version, or let Vera have the space to think like she had asked for.
These moments—the one where she's left alone and confused, are the ones where she loathes her inability to read people. The majority of the time she's able to slide by with only a tad bit of awkwardness or misunderstanding, a few weird glances directed towards her.
But when it's with those closest to her?
That's when she wishes she were just a little bit more normal, just a little bit more relatable. It would be so much easier for her to get out what she truly means.
And maybe Vera wouldn't have walked out that door.
She rubs the tear tracks from her face and shakily walks to the sink to wash Vera's coffee mug. It gives her something else to focus on than the other thoughts that would otherwise be overwhelming her, consuming her completely.
Taking deep breaths to calm herself, she dries it and sets it in the same place Vera's mug always resides before looking around the room—wondering what she should possibly do next. Her phone is on the counter, her keys are on the table. It would be so easy for her to call Vera or go find Vera, but she doesn't want to push Vera in
to anything, doesn't want to be too needy or ask any more of Vera since she's already asked for so much.
Making up her mind to wait, she grabs her phone to keep it close and walks to the living room to watch one of the movies Vera had off-handedly mentioned would be on today. It's something she never would have picked for herself and can't even remember what the exact name is, but it's just mindless and pointless enough to take her mind off everything else and she finds herself, somehow, quietly laughing to herself halfway through it.
Towards the end, right as the minor conflict was to be resolved, there's a knock on her door. It starts quietly at first and then quickly gets loud, more insistent. She doesn't even have to check to know who it is.
Her heart speeds up as she pulls the blanket off her legs and starts to walk towards the door. She doesn't know what to expect, but she hopes that maybe, just maybe it won't go as badly as before. But if it does…this is her fault and she knows that. And she'll try her best to fix it.
She opens her door to Vera—snow stuck in her hair, hands curled into cold and painful fists, eyes nearly as puffy as Evelyn knows her own are. "Vera, I—"
"There isn't one person in this world that I want more than I want you, Evelyn," Vera interrupts, stepping forward and tangling her hand in Evelyn's hair to pull her close. Their lips brush and then Vera's kiss is consuming her as Vera pushes her back through the door and into the house. It's possessive and uninhibited and yet, still conveys gentleness and love all at once.
It's perfect.
It's everything.
Vera finally pulls back, their foreheads pressed together and her dark eyes scanning Evelyn's own. "But I don't understand, Evelyn. You have to help me understand."
"Okay," she whispers, slightly nodding as she releases a shaky breath. "Okay."
Leading them to the couch, she sits and regretfully notes how Vera sits on the opposite end—not close enough to touch, posture slouched but rigid. Vera pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs before looking up, softness written on her face. "So…is this about our trip? Did it—"
"No." Because it isn't. It has nothing to do with Tristan, with going to their old home. This is a different issue entirely.
"Okay…" Vera trails off, waiting for the explanation.
She thinks only for a moment before deciding to start at the very beginning. "I met Noah—"
"Noah?"
She reaches out to touch Vera's hand—to reassure her, before pulling back last second. Unsure if Vera even wants to touch her despite the kiss they had just shared. "He's a little boy I met while you were in the hospital."
"And this is the kid you want to adopt?"
Evelyn swallows harshly, looks at the TV and then looks back. "I didn't even think about adopting him until I saw him this morning. It was…I don't know. I don't even know what I was thinking. It was like I thought I could just go see him every day and just…talk to him. But when we came back and he wasn't at the hospital, it hit me at once that I may never see him again and that was…terrifying," her voice drops, remembering his tiny dirty room and the way he had looked up at her. "Especially when I saw where he is living. It's…filthy. Definitely not up to par for a child so young. Or any child for that matter."
She brings her focus back to Vera, notices that Vera has scooted closer and is reaching out to take her hand. Evelyn eagerly lets her, grounded and comforted by the strong, warm fingers gripping her own—giving her enough strength to continue. "After I saw that, I called a few agencies and looked for a larger apartment. I haven't done anything more than that yet because I was…I wanted to tell you first. That was a horrible way to let you know though, wasn't it?"
Vera attempts a smile, squeezes her hand. "Yeah. It was, uh, a little shocking."
"I'm…I'm not very good at friendships or relationships, but I've been trying. And this…I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough for you about this," she whispers, looking down. Unwilling to let Vera see the tears in her eyes—the tears that seemed like they were permanently there these days.
Vera starts to protest, but she cuts her off. She has to get this all off her chest, she had promised to help Vera understand.
"He's just," she takes a deep breath, "He's just so alone. And when I look at him, I see so much of myself as a child. Alone and scared…and he's exactly like myself. If I had only had someone there for me, maybe I would be different. Maybe I would be better and good enough. Maybe I wouldn't be the one that's always being left."
"Evelyn, you're go—"
"I don't want that for him," she rasps, her voice thick as she finally looks up to meet Vera's eyes. "But not at the cost of losing you, Vera. I don't know if that means I'm not ready for him, or…but I would choose you."
"Eve—"
"He is at a good age and is smart and finally well, so he has a good chance of being adopted by someone now, even though I would prefer it to be me," she scoots closer to Vera, their thighs flush together. "But I would choose you, Vera. If you wholeheartedly disagree with this, I would choose you. I love you. And I am sorry I've—"
"Evelyn, listen to me," Vera finally breaks in, her voice rising only enough to be heard. "Don't cry, alright? Just…take a deep breath. Relax. I'm right here."
She nods and Vera reaches up with her free hand to wipe away the few lone tears that had fallen. "Yeah, I'm mad at you because you didn't feel like you could trust me. But I don't hate you. You are good enough and I'm not going to leave you."
"You're not?"
"No. But you can't shut me out like that again, Evelyn. You can't do that, this is…we are together. You and me. That means you have to let me in, you have to tell me what's going on so I can help you. So you don't blindside me and knock me off my feet, alright?" She nods, holding back a fresh wave from the gentleness of Vera's thumb stroking her cheek. "I know I can't fix all of your problems, so I won't say that I can. But I can promise you won't have to face them alone."
"I won't. I promise I won't. I was confused and scared of what you would think and," she sniffs, wills herself to stop talking so quickly. "I'm so sorry, Vera. I never meant to be so selfish and hurt you like that. But I meant what I said. I would choose you. If you are comple—"
"I'm not going to make you choose, Evelyn."
She pauses, mouth open as she thinks of all the things that sentence could mean. "What?"
Vera clenches her jaw, thinking of ways to word this. There's a long, silent beat. A pause before she figures it out. "The way I see it," she starts, "If I would've met you when Tristan was still…I would've still fallen in love with you, Evelyn. Premade family and all. So it's not that I'm against kids. Yeah, it's scary as hell when you think about all the things that could go wrong, but I don't hate them or anything. I just wasn't expecting this. At all."
"I'm so sorry for dumping it on you like that, Vera," she says, meaning it with everything in her being. "I should've thought it out more and tried to fully explain it to you. It's just…overwhelming. I was overwhelmed just thinking about it as well."
"I know," Vera reassures, knowing that Evelyn has trouble softening the blow when it comes to big issues. "And this isn't going to be settled in a night, ya know? We still have a lot to discuss and figure out. But I'm a detective. It's my job to figure things out," Vera laughs, trying to lightly deflect, lighten the mood before she goes back to serious. "And we've got time? To talk about all of this?"
Evelyn squeezes her hand in reassurance, to sooth herself as well. "Yes. The chances of a single parent who has already lost a child being granted an adoption? Slim to none, even if they do find me fit to do so," and she can't help the tightening of her throat or the way she quickly has to glance away from Vera's eyes that can read her pain so well. "So yes, we have time. A lot of time."
"Okay." Vera scans her face before leaning over to lightly kiss her lips. "I love you, and we'll figure something out."
She doesn't respond—thinking about how she almost lost the chance to hear those three words every day—and
Vera misreads it as Evelyn needing space to think, as her cue to leave. Vera stands, leaving one more kiss to her forehead before turning away towards to door.
But she doesn't want Vera to leave—knows Vera doesn't want to leave—so she quickly stands, reaching out to grab Vera's hand so she faces her once again. Her eyes lock with dark brown ones, both sets pleading and filled with want and need and love and…everything. And she can't stand to think about not being able to look in those eyes every day, not being with Vera every day. "Stay? If you want to, please stay."
Chapter 23
Her cold, nearly numb fingers fumble with her keys, trying one after another until the door is finally yanked open to show a disheveled Clara in her signature red and green Christmas pajamas. She gives a sympathetic shrug and Clara looks around her, eyes squinting to focus in the dark. "Where's Evelyn?"
Vera shrugs as she slips into the warm house to head towards the kitchen. "It's almost four in the morning, Ma. I'd say she's asleep," she snaps, really not meaning to come off so harsh.
Sighing heavily, she pops off the lid of one of the last beers in the fridge and takes a big drink—Clara sleepily raising an eyebrow. "It' a little early for that, isn't it?"
"Not when you've been awake all night like I have," she says, still too wound up to even be tired. She takes another sip and then sets the bottle on the counter, slightly embarrassed as she looks up to the face of her concerned mother. "You think we can, uh, talk or something?"
It wasn't often that Vera asked for her mother's advice. And it was even rarer that she would do so at such an odd hour, so spur of the moment. Clara decides not to make a big deal out of—not become too excited at Vera letting her in—and simply nods as she leads them to the couch.
They sit—Vera worrying at her hands as she thinks of what to say, and Clara beside her simply waiting. And it's long moments, moments that Vera seriously contemplates leaving and pretending it was nothing before she finally swallows thickly and decides to buck up.