by Sybil Smith
"No way."
"For a while, yes. It was amazing," Evelyn answers, smiling. "I was stationed in Africa and loved every moment. It gave me the ability to heal so many people. They were so thankful for the help and I was happy to give it."
"But you can only get so close to your patients without crossing a line," Vera guesses.
"Exactly," Evelyn confirms. She remembers the hot days spent sweating more than she has since, the other doctors snickering behind her back, the one person who pretended to accept her. Over there was much like her childhood over here—fighting for a place to belong and be accepted. That much she leaves out, though. Instead, she simply relays the most simple, basic version of how Tristan came to be. "One week I decided to venture outside of my comfort zone to get closer to the other doctors in our unit. We had weekly dinners where we all saved up our rations for a meager version of a potluck. It's where I ultimately met Tristan's father." Evelyn shrugs. "It was nothing more than a fling. He didn't want anything to do with Tristan after he learned of the pregnancy, and that was perfectly fine by me. I flew back a month later and never heard from him again."
"Evelyn—"
"No, no. I didn't tell you that for you to pity me. I just wanted you to see that you are the first and only person I have truly cared enough to envision and build a life with. Not even the person who gave me the most precious gift of my life was capable of doing so. And yet, here you are."
Vera's eyes trail down the bare flesh of Evelyn's torso to where her hips are engulfed by the sheets. "Yeah, I'd say this is a pretty good place to be."
Evelyn playfully trails her finger up Vera's stomach. "I have to agree with that sentiment."
Laughing, Vera snatches smaller hands in her own. "You know I'm ticklish."
Evelyn pouts as she fails to get her hands free. "Well that's not fair."
"I'd never win if things were fair," Vera retorts. She presses a quick kiss against Evelyn's nose as she releases her grasp. "I hate that you had to go through all of that alone. I can't even imagine going through a pregnancy by myself, much less raising a child."
"I was scared at first," Evelyn quietly admits. "I didn't think I would be good enough. I was unsure of whether or not I was even going to be capable of loving him correctly or not. But then I had him and…from the very first moment they put him in my arms, I just knew. I knew that having him was the best choice I could've ever possibly made."
Vera smiles softly. "I bet you were the best mom on this side of the planet."
"I wouldn't go so far as saying that," Evelyn replies with a small laugh. "I definitely had my faults. I do believe Tristan and I managed quite well, though."
"I don't doubt that for a second." Vera kisses her softly, relishing how this always feels new, but somehow still comforting and familiar. "When is Elena coming again?"
"Towards the end of the month. The 29th, I believe."
"The 29th?"
"I believe that is what I said," Evelyn playfully quips.
"I can't do that," Vera exclaims. "I'm going to be in court all day."
"Relax," Evelyn responds with an amused, warm grin. "I arranged for her to come by in the morning before you go. I swear you get more nervous for her visits than I do at this point."
"Well, your mother didn't come in and tell her about the time you ran around the neighborhood naked, did she?"
A laugh bursts from Evelyn's lips. "That was adorable, Vera. Elena loved it."
"It was embarrassing."
"You were four," Evelyn placates. "It was still in the realm of cuteness."
"Whatever," Vera brushes off. "Did she say if we're making any progress?"
Evelyn fiddles with the ends of Vera's hair. The last call from Elena had been anything but encouraging, filled with maybe, I don't know, and we'll see. She knew waiting would be the hardest part, but she didn't expect it to be this hard. "No word yet."
"Damn. I thought we'd be getting a little closer by now. It's been almost three months."
"Adopting a child is a really long process, Vera. We can't—"
"Can't get our hopes up," Vera finishes. "I know. I know. But I just can't stand thinking about him in that house, Evelyn."
Evelyn's voice is quiet, "If it can even be called a house."
"Exactly," Vera solemnly replies.
Evelyn shakes her head. "Every day we leave him there is a day that he thinks we forgot about him. It's not only detrimental to his emotional health, but that place is negatively affecting his physical health. All this things are working against him, and there's nothing we can do about it."
"It's not right, Evelyn."
"I know," Evelyn whispers.
"I mean…I'm a cop. There has to be something I can do to speed this up."
"You know what Elena said," Evelyn warns. "It can actually slow things down if you try to meddle. I know you want to help, but that won't get Noah out of there any sooner."
Vera sighs heavily. "It just sucks."
Saying nothing, Evelyn rests her hand atop of Vera's heart, counting the beat of each staccato with a movement of her lips. Adrenaline, cortisol—stressors causing the organ to beat harder and faster than it otherwise should. She presses her lips against the soft skin of Vera's neck, repeatedly, again and again, willing the anger in Vera to fade away and, for once, allowing herself to hope, desperately, that things go their way.
Chapter 31
Evelyn shuts the door behind Elena as the social worker leaves. Their fourth and most stressful visit to date is finally over. She walks towards where Vera leans against the white laminate kitchen counter. "Do you think she found the apartment suitable?"
The walls are still bare and unpainted, though between them they managed to furnish the living room with a faux leather l-shaped couch and coffee tables, their master bedroom upstairs with a stained oak bed and dresser, and Clara already offered to go bargain hunting for décor in the morning. It isn't one hundred percent yet, but there's no doubt that it'll get there eventually.
"It needs a little work," Vera admits. "But she knows we just moved into it yesterday. I don't think we have anything to worry about."
"You don't?"
"Nah," Vera reassures. "She sounded like things are finally starting to move along."
"I hope so." Evelyn looks down at the small wallet sized picture of Noah in her palm. Sitting in a hospital bed, his curly brown hair stands waywardly all over his head, the small hospital gown is hanging off one shoulder, and a spoonful of Jell-o is midway to his parted mouth. "I miss him."
Vera nods solemnly. "Me too."
Without missing a beat, Evelyn hangs it front and center on the fridge with a set of mismatched magnets. "Is it too soon to start setting up his room? I don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves."
"I don't think so." The timer goes off, and Vera pours a cup of coffee in her favorite red and white mug Evelyn bought her in the Nebraskan airport. "What did you have in mind?"
"Yellow induces stress and bright red can encourage feelings of anger, so perhaps a soft blue or green. What do you think?"
"Hmm. I was thinking a nice black would do it."
Evelyn scowls briefly until a smile turns up the corners of her lips. She would never tire of Vera's attempts to diffuse her sources of stress. "A moss green would probably be our best bet. It should have a calming effect, and that's something he will most likely need after being moved into a new household again."
"Moss green? Really?" Vera grins. "We can go get the paint in the morning."
Evelyn spins the ring around on her finger. They could set the room up and he could hate it. Or worse, they could set the room up and not even be approved. "You're sure this isn't too much?"
"She said things were going well," Vera rationalizes. "At this point, all we can do is believe her."
"She also said another couple is interested in him," Evelyn reminds her.
That information, not so softly given to them this afternoon, was enough to make both their
stomachs drop immediately. With their own appeal to adopt not yet solidified, it allowed for another couple—a straight couple who already have a child—composed of a teacher and a nurse, to look into Noah's case as well. Theirs was a recent inquiry, but enough to rock Vera and Evelyn to the core.
Setting down her mug, Vera lightly takes Evelyn by the shoulders and meets her eye to eye. "You're a doctor. You know cancer first hand. A detective is a little on the dangerous side, but it's still a stable job. We have a nice home and a huge support system behind us. We've been trying for over four months now. There's no way some other dilweeds are going to come in and take this from us this late in the game, Evelyn."
Evelyn's brow crinkles. "Dilweeds?"
Vera waves it off. "I'm just saying that it's okay to be a little hopeful. We both need a little of that right now."
"You're right," Evelyn admits through an exhale. "It's just hard for me to—"
"Hard to believe in things that aren't supported by facts. I know. But you have to trust me on this one."
She manages a weak grin. "I'll try."
"That's my girl," Vera praises. Resuming her spot against the counter, she takes a sip of her coffee. "Now tell me how it went with Ma yesterday. Sorry I was too tired to stay up and hear about it."
"It's okay." Evelyn leans against the counter facing Vera. "We checked out several potential venues for the wedding. She was very helpful."
"Ha," Vera scoffs. "Yeah right."
"Your mother is actually very focused when she needs to be," Evelyn replies. "We narrowed it down to a manageable amount locations that I think you'll appreciate."
"You know I don't care where we have it."
"I know you say you don't care."
"I really don't, Eve. I would be okay getting married in a cornfield if it meant I still got to marry you."
Smiling, Evelyn leans forward for a kiss. Thoughtful of the coffee in Vera's hand, she loosely wraps her arms around Vera's neck. "At one time I could've given you Fenway. I regret that I can't now."
"Fenway has nothing on you, babe."
Evelyn raises a brow.
"I'm serious," Vera affirms. "You're the only thing I'm going to be looking at. Where we are won't matter to me a damn bit."
"Oh my. Vera Banks being voluntarily sweet. Whatever shall we do?"
"I try sometimes."
"I appreciate it." Evelyn kisses her again, softly. Sometimes she really just can't get enough. "You really shouldn't be drinking coffee this late in the day."
"Trust me, I need it. I'm going to be in court for about a billion years. "
Stepping back, Evelyn begins wiping off the watery ring from the mug left on the counter. "How do you think it's going to go?"
Vera weakly shrugs. "We don't have much on him. He'll probably walk."
Pausing, Evelyn arches a brow. "So you're wearing the skirt today in attempts to sway the judge?"
Vera smirks. "Maybe."
"You are something else."
"Hey, that's my line."
Evelyn laughs. "Regardless of your motives, you look stunning."
"Yeah, yeah," Vera bashfully replies.
"I can only imagine how stunning you'll look in a wedding dress," Evelyn tries.
"Imagine is all you'll be doing 'cause that is not happening."
"Can't say I didn't try," Evelyn sighs playfully. "Oh well. You'll look just as amazing in whatever you choose to wear."
"Hush." Vera looks at her watch. Ten minutes until she has to leave. "So, ah," she starts tentatively. "What about yours?"
"My what?"
"You know…your parents. You haven't said anything about them coming or not."
Evelyn takes a step back and starts busying herself with the task of straightening her already near-impeccable sweater. "Well there isn't much to say."
Vera's brow slightly arches. "What does that mean?"
"It means," Evelyn starts, "I haven't told them about the wedding."
"Oh."
Evelyn looks up quickly. "I'm not ashamed of you or of this, Vera. Please don't take it personally."
"I know that."
"I mean it, Vera. I haven't talked to my parents since the week after I moved here," Evelyn explains. "It ended horribly. I told my mother to leave and never come back. She doesn't even know I met someone, much less am getting married."
Vera takes Evelyn's hands in her own. She smiles softly. "I never thought you were ashamed. Not for one second. And I know how horrible they were to you—I really do. I just figured I'd beat Ma to asking you about them so I could be the bearer of bad news. We both know she wouldn't let it drop with her ideas of how a wedding should be."
"The more the merrier," Evelyn mimics playfully. She steps back to into Vera and presses a kiss against her mouth. "Thank you. I'm not so sure I could've evaded her more direct questions as to why I'm in such ill-standing with my parents."
"Leave all that to me," Vera replies, smiling. "But I gotta go if I want to beat traffic." She gives Evelyn a quick peck on the forehead. "Be back around 9. I love you."
"Love you too," Evelyn calls as Vera rushes for the door.
Evelyn cleans up the remnants of Vera's scattered mess before sitting on the couch. It's one of her rare days off without Vera here as well, and she isn't quite sure what to do with herself . Skimming through the channels, she catches herself stopping on some cartoon about spiders and butterflies. It's horribly inaccurate, but with it she finds herself wondering what Noah's favorite show will be. Will he like sports or be enthralled with more artistic pastimes? Or both? Will he enjoy going to the park or lazy Sundays filled with cartoons and cereal? Will he like to cuddle during thunderstorms or prefer to stand as a brave little sentry by the window? Will he enjoy baking with her? Walking Jo with Vera?
Will he ever get comfortable enough to think of them as his mothers?
There are so many things she doesn't know—about him, her future, her parents. But she knows she can't wait to figure him out not only as a person, but as their son.
* * *
Leaning back against the headboard, Evelyn lowers the book in her hands when the almost unnecessarily loud noise of the front door opening and quickly slamming fills the condo. At once she knows what kind of day at court Vera has had.
Vera's heavy footsteps slowly thud against the carpeted stairs. When she finally steps through the doorway, her shirt dangles untucked from her skirt and the buttons are completely undone. Her hair wildly stands from her head in coarse spirals due to being nervously pulled at, and faint dark splotches rest under her eyes. Evelyn puts the book away completely in order to offer support as best she can.
Her voice is sympathetic. "That bad?"
"Worse," Vera gravelly replies. She flops on the edge of the bed next to Evelyn's feet and stares blankly forward. "They threw the whole case out on a technicality. A damn technicality."
"Vera, I—"
"That asshole killed his little boy and felt zero remorse for it. I know he did; you know he did. Hell, even that judge knew it. We didn't have a lot of evidence to begin with, but it was still solid enough for him to get a little time before bars. But one rookie mistake," Vera shakes her head, "And it's enough to let him out on the streets."
Evelyn sits in silence, letting Vera stew for moments, before finally speaking. "What are you going to do?"
Vera presses her fingers against her temples. Hard. "Fuck if I know. I'm just….angry."
"I know," Evelyn answers softly. She moves beside Vera and starts rubbing her back with one hand. "Cases about children always affect us the most. It's a perfectly natural reaction to be angry."
"Yeah," Vera scoffs. "Doesn't make me feel any better."
Long moments go by, Vera sitting stoically and Evelyn gently trying to calm her with a touch.
Finally, Vera looks to her from the corner of her eye. "I saw Noah today."
Evelyn jerks ramrod straight. "What?"
"I saw Noah today," Vera repeats. "At court."<
br />
Stunned, Evelyn's mouth opens and closes once, twice. "Wha—Why?"
"His foster….whatever. She was there for a speeding ticket." Vera shrugs. The borderline pissed expression sits firmly on her face. "I'm surprised she didn't just leave him home alone, honestly."
Flashes of the lonely, curly-haired little boy flash through Evelyn's mind. It's almost too painful to even fathom. She swallows thickly. "How'd he look?"
"Skinny. Sad."
She hesitates. "Did he…?"
"No," Vera answers. So attuned to Evelyn's thought process, she doesn't even need her to finish the question. "I didn't let him see me."
"Why not?"
"It would hurt just as much to know he didn't recognize me as it would to see him beg to come with me," Vera softly admits.
The following silence is thick and nearly unbearable. Vera turns towards Evelyn, taking her smaller hand in her own. "I don't even know him, Evelyn. Not really. But I…I need him to be here with us. He needs to be here with us."
"Me too." Evelyn gives her fingers a gentle squeeze. "We can only hope for the best at this point."
Vera's eyes are pleading. "What if that's not enough?"
She pulls Vera against her chest. "It has to be."
Chapter 32
Vera feels herself simply going through the motions—at work, at home, all the time. Hot tendrils of summer air have started gusting through the city and crime is slowly on the rise, leaving Vera busier and more frustrated than ever. It's been over six months since the adoption process started, and her life is slowly spiraling. The wedding date slowly creeps ever closer, Clara grows more and more intrusive, and there's still no word on Noah yet.
Evelyn, though she tries to hide it, clearly grows more irritable with each passing day as the temperature rises and the phone doesn't ring. According to her, even bad news would be better than no news at all. At least then they could start the healing process. Her distant demeanor leaves Vera even grouchier and more doubtful that they are going to get the outcome that they so desperately want.
Vera takes a sip of her bullpen-brewed coffee only to realize it turned cold quite a while ago. As she pushes piles of case folders out of the way to set it down, she realizes that today is just really not going to be her day. The chances of making any leeway on any of these is slim and none. All she wants to do is curl up next to a pleasant-mood-Evelyn and take a seven-year-long nap. But Evelyn is most likely downstairs elbow deep in innards, and Vera doesn't see herself getting home anytime before nightfall.