“The new Deirdre. That’s what you’re thinking, right?”
“I’m thinking that you’re nothing like the woman I thought you were,” he said, grabbing his shirt from where he’d tossed it on the floor.
“I’m not,” Deirdre said, jutting her chin in the air. “Not anymore.”
“So, is using people going to be the norm for the new Deirdre?” he asked as he stuffed his arms into his shirt and pulled it over his head.
“I did not use—”
He halted her statement with a lethal stare. “Before you say you didn’t use me, let me remind you that you just admitted to doing exactly that.”
The wounded look in his eyes snuffed out the flames fanning her rage. Deirdre’s shoulders sagged. “Can we please talk about this,” she pleaded in a weary voice, walking to where he stood next to the door.
“I don’t think so.” He slid his feet into his shoes.
She caught his arm. “You’re not just walking away from me, Theo.”
The look in his eyes was deadly, but Deirdre refused to back down. “Yes,” she started. “Seducing you was originally a part of my bucket list, but only because it’s something I would have never dreamed of doing before, and something I have wanted to do for as long as I’ve known you. That was the whole point of the list—to force myself to take risks and attempt things I was too afraid to even consider doing. And you played a big part in helping me accomplish those things.”
“So I helped you to seduce me,” he snorted.
“Would you stop focusing on the seduction!” she screeched. “It was not just about seducing you, Theo. It’s not about just checking items off a list anymore. It has become so much more than that.”
Deirdre let go of his arm and walked back to the middle of the room. She pulled in a shaky breath, trying to collect herself. When she finally turned back to Theo, she couldn’t prevent the moisture that collected in the corners of her eyes.
She held her hands out to him. “Try to understand.”
The rancor in his beautiful eyes pierced her heart. Theo had never looked at her with such animosity.
“I understand,” he finally stated. “But there’s something you need to understand, too. Seeing my name on that list, it changes everything.”
“No, it doesn’t,” she argued.
“It does,” he insisted. “How can I be sure that any of what’s happened between us has been real, Deirdre? How do I know the talks we had on the beach were genuine and not part of your master plan? Or our day in Kauai? What about the waterfall, Deirdre? How do I know that was real?”
“Because you know me. You know better than to question that what I feel for you is anything but one-hundred percent true.”
“I thought I knew you,” he said. “I’m not so sure now. The Deirdre I knew never would have done something like this. The Deirdre I knew had too much compassion. She was more considerate of people’s feelings.” He shook his head. “But as you just pointed out, you’re not that same person.”
He picked up his jacket and headed for the door.
“Theo, please don’t just walk away.”
He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and glanced back at her.
“I can’t deal with this right now, Deirdre. With everything else that’s going on with the team, and Cedric, this is just…it’s too much.” He opened the door. Without turning around he said, “Happy Birthday,” then walked out.
Chapter 13
Deirdre sat on the wicker chair on her balcony, staring at the myriad of colors tracing along the sky as the sun slowly rose out of the ocean.
Today was her birthday.
She tried to smile, but the urge to celebrate had died a swift death last night. For the past few days she had loathed the thought of having to leave Hawaii after the cooking competition and today’s game. Now all Deirdre could think about was getting out of here. The island had lost its magic. She wanted to go back to New York, hug her son, and stand amongst the stainless steel in her restaurant’s kitchen. For just a moment, she wanted to feel like her old self again.
“No, you don’t,” Deirdre whispered into the still morning.
Even if she did, it was impossible to go back. That person no longer existed. The rebirth she’d experienced this week had transformed her, and there were too many things about the new Deirdre that she loved to leave it all here in Hawaii. She was no longer content with letting life happen to her. From now on, she would be in control of what happened. She was in charge of her own happiness.
And her own sorrow.
Remorse quaked through her, its chilling effects forcing her to pull the robe more securely around her.
Bathed in the light of a brand-new day, Deirdre accepted her role in what had happened with Theo last night. Putting herself in his shoes, she knew she would have been furious if she had found her seduction as an item on a list he’d written. She would have been more than furious; she would have been devastatingly hurt.
After everything they had shared over these past few days, she could understand his anger at what must have looked like a callous, calculating plan to get him into bed. But seducing Theo had never been just about the sex, it had been about breaking free of that shell she’d built around herself over the years. It had been about having the confidence to go after the man she loved.
Opening her heart to him had been the ultimate risk, and Deirdre feared that it was her heart that would pay the ultimate price.
The sharp trill of her cell phone startled her. She scrambled for it, disappointment flooding her when she saw Paige’s number on the screen.
“Morning, Paige,” she answered.
“Morning, Dee. I’m not waking you, am I?”
“No, I’ve been up for a while. Just having a cup of coffee on the balcony, enjoying my last Hawaiian sunrise.”
“Beautiful, isn’t it? I’m going to miss this place,” Paige sighed. “What time are you leaving for the competition?”
“In about an hour,” Deirdre answered. “I was told there would be a limo waiting downstairs to take me to the beach where we’ll be cooking.”
“Pretty nice. Guess you should get used to the celebrity treatment,” Paige said. “I didn’t spring for a limo, but I did order a car to drive us from the competition to the stadium, then we’ll be heading straight to the airport from the game. Bring your bags down to the concierge’s desk. They’ll be delivered to the airport by another car service.”
“Okay. Thanks for handling all of this, Paige,” Deirdre said.
“No problem. I know you were probably otherwise occupied last night, and I didn’t want you worrying about any of this.”
Sadness rushed over her at her sister-in-law’s coy teasing. Deirdre didn’t bother correcting her.
“Good luck in the competition today. Oh, and happy birthday, woman,” Paige added.
“Thanks,” Deirdre said. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”
She closed the phone and leaned back in her chair. She looked out over the magnificent sunrise, its beauty doing nothing to brighten her mood.
Taking a sip of coffee, she murmured, “Happy birthday to me.”
* * *
The distinct aroma of burning beef wafted through Deirdre’s nostrils. She tossed aside the cucumber she’d been washing and dashed to the grilling meat. Each of the five chefs taking part in today’s beachside competition had a personal fire pit at their station.
Deirdre sighed at the sight before her. Her braised short ribs were charred beyond recognition. She sucked in a deep breath and fought the urge to burst into tears.
This was not her. She was always at her very best in the kitchen, even when she wasn’t in an actual kitchen. But nothing about today felt familiar. The sound of
the waves crashing against the shoreline was irritating instead of soothing. The inviting landscape was depressing instead of rejuvenating, reminding her of the walks she and Theo had taken along the beach.
Would everything that reminded her of him carry this much pain? The thought made Deirdre’s shoulders slump in misery. How would she function if she had to suffer through these feelings whenever her brain conjured thoughts of him? Which it did. Constantly.
“Not right now,” Deirdre whispered to herself. She needed to focus.
Just when she thought she could trick her mind into banishing Theo for a moment, Deirdre spotted him making his way across the sand, a cameraman following him. A physical ache struck her chest, squeezing to the point that she wasn’t sure she would be able to breathe.
Theo stopped just a few feet from her private cooking station. He looked toward her…then right past her, as if he didn’t even see her.
The anguish that tore through her was shocking in its intensity. She had not experienced such gut-wrenching sorrow in nearly eighteen years, not since the night Dante’s father had walked away after she’d told him she was pregnant. She never thought she would be susceptible to such pain again.
No. That was the old Deirdre. She’d buried that woman. The new Deirdre refused to allow herself to be engulfed by this sadness a moment longer.
She swallowed the hurt that clogged her throat and forced herself to get her head back into the competition. Deirdre went about recovering what she could of the charred short ribs. She prepared the accompanying cucumber and pineapple relish, and the chocolate and Kona coffee mousse for dessert.
Despite her best attempt to make up for her less than stellar main dish, Deirdre wasn’t surprised when she received third place in the competition. She was secretly celebrating the fact that she had still beaten out two other chefs who received honorable mentions, until one of the coordinators told her to remain at her station because the top three finishers would be interviewed by the media. She’d have given her best set of carving knives for one of those honorable mentions.
A mixture of panic and dread slithered down her spine, and that mental pep talk about what the new Deirdre could withstand was washed out to sea.
When Theo stepped up to her station his face was void of all emotion. Deirdre swallowed hard, begging her voice not to disclose any outward sign of what she was feeling inside.
Without as much as a hello, Theo turned to the camera. “We’re here with the third place winner, Chef Deirdre Smallwood of one of New York’s hottest restaurants, The Fire Starter Grille. How do you think you did in today’s competition, Chef Smallwood?”
“Well, I didn’t win, so obviously I could have done better,” Deirdre answered. There was a brief, awkward pause. “But this wasn’t about winning, or about me, for that matter,” she continued. “It was about all the kids who will benefit from this fabulous event.”
“I’m sure those kids and the NFL are grateful for your participation,” Theo said. “Congratulations on your third place win.”
With that he motioned to his cameraman to follow him to the next cooking station.
Deirdre stood on the beach studying the way his broad shoulders filled out his tailored sports coat. She recalled the way she’d held onto those shoulders while he filled her body, introducing her to levels of pleasure she never knew existed.
How had they gotten back to this point? After the treasure they’d found together in each other’s arms, how was she once again faced with an aloof, unfeeling Theo Stokes?
It was a harsh, unfair twist of fate, and suddenly, Deirdre felt very, very tired.
* * *
Theo clipped the microphone to his jacket collar as the audio technician secured the box at the small of his back.
Sara walked up to the desk that had been set up in the northwest corner of the end zone of Aloha Stadium. They were preparing to broadcast for the next three hours.
“How long before we go live?” Theo called out to Sara.
“Five minutes.”
He glanced over the schedule the field producer handed him. He would start the broadcast at the desk with Clyde and Dan, but would eventually head to the NFC team’s locker room to do a quick interview with Coach Foster.
Theo found the slot with his piece on the Sabers. It was set to air in the last hour of the pre-game show, about forty minutes before the start of the game. He hated that he had to wait so long. He was ready to get this over with.
But what about the next story? And the one after that? And after that?
There would always be another story down the road that one of his ex-teammates was bound to take issue with. What was he going to do, spend his entire career evading not-so-polite stories about his former team?
He couldn’t let the potential reaction of others dictate how he lived his life. He’d spent the past twelve years doing that—driving fancy cars, dating supermodels, living like a high-roller—and all because that’s what others expected of an NFL superstar. He was done living for everybody else. It was time he took a page from Deirdre’s book and started living the life he wanted for himself.
Theo slowly shut his eyes.
Somehow he just knew she would find a way into his thoughts yet again. He’d tried to push her out of his mind, but it was like telling the sun not to rise. Theo had lost count of the number of times he’d reached for the door handle to his room last night, aching to go to her. When he’d interviewed her after the competition this morning, maintaining a neutral expression was, by far, one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. He’d wanted to beg her to tell him that this had not all been a game to her, that what they’d found together was true.
Theo’s gut told him that the time they’d shared here was real. When he thought back on the talks they’d had, the laughs they’d shared, the love they’d made—it couldn’t have all been about completing that damn list. But when he recalled the previous times over the past year and a half that Deirdre had turned down his advances, doubt crept in.
Was she callous enough to use him in such a way? His heart told him no, but his head wasn’t so sure.
Dan Bates climbed onto the seat next to him, and leaned over. “Hey, Theo,” he started. “Did you hear that Judd Wright announced that he’s leaving the network?”
Theo slid a glance over at his colleague, amazed at the man’s cluelessness. If Dan was indicative of his level of competition for Judd’s spot on The Sunday Morning Kickoff, Theo figured the job was his for the taking.
An uncomfortable feeling settled in his gut at the thought, but Theo didn’t have time to explore it. Sara gave the signal for them to prepare and she counted down the start of the pre-game show. When they launched live on-air, Theo gave it everything he had, being his most lively, engaging self, even though the edginess that had put down roots in his stomach continued to nag him.
When the topic turned to Dane Washington’s injured knee, and his subsequent replacement by Cedric in the starting line-up, Theo felt the eyes of the entire world zero in on him.
“Theo, you’ve made a few statements about Cedric Reeves being named a starter,” Clyde Barker commented. “You think the selection committee got it wrong, don’t you?”
He had been prepared for the question, but it still pissed him off that the network was constantly regurgitating this storyline. Theo turned his focus to the camera before speaking.
“You’re right, Clyde,” he started. “As I’ve mentioned before, I thought there were a couple of running backs who had better seasons than Cedric did this year.” Something occurred to him. Something Theo had not considered until this very moment. “But, to be fair, I also think the selection committee got it wrong last year,” Theo continued. “Last season, Cedric Reeves was, by far, the most outstanding back in the league. He smashed the Sabers fra
nchise’s all-time rushing record and commanded tons of respect on the field.
“Maybe Cedric’s selection to the Pro Bowl and his being named a starter is a good way to make up for being slighted last year. This happens all too often in this league. So, instead of getting it wrong, I’m starting to think that maybe the committee got it right this time. And, knowing Cedric as well as I do, I know he’s going to put to rest all doubts that he should be playing in today’s game.”
Clyde and Dan both stared at him with their mouths agape for several moments before Clyde cleared his throat. “That’s a good point,” he said. “I felt the same way about a couple of the wide-receivers who were not picked last year after stellar performances.”
The knot that had been twisting in Theo’s stomach ever since he’d featured Cedric as his “Sacked” Player of the Week slowly began to unfurl. He should have pointed out past seasons when his friend had been slighted by the Pro Bowl’s selection committee from the very beginning, instead of focusing only on this year.
Theo fought the overwhelming urge to go to the team’s locker room and smooth things over with Cedric right this second. But who was to say Cedric would even be receptive to anything he had to say? He’d probably call Theo a hypocrite and shove him into a wall. But even if Cedric tossed his apology back in his face, Theo felt a measure of peace. In his heart, he knew he’d done the right thing.
* * *
Deirdre glanced over at her sister-in-law whose smiling face was seriously starting to get on her nerves. She wasn’t in the mood for smiles.
“Are you sorry you lost the competition?” Paige asked.
“That’s a dumb question,” Deirdre returned. “This was for charity. It wasn’t about winning.”
“I know that,” Paige said. “You can still be upset that you lost. Is that why you’re so grumpy?”
“You figured it out,” Deirdre returned with unwarranted sarcasm.
“I don’t think that’s it,” Paige said, her keen stare suggesting that she saw way more than Deirdre wanted to reveal. “What’s going on?”
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