For the Strohmberries. Today, I’ve got a story.
CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Introduction
The Beginning
The Incident
Prom Committee, Part One
The Plan
Hutch
Bobby Boback
Robby Monroe
Camp Kawawa Charlie
Liam Padalecki
Roman Holiday
Sean Graney
Waylon Underwood
Roman Holiday, Part Two
Haircut Fallout
Benvolio Schrobenhauser-Clonan
Daniel Kim
Fabrizio Montefiore
Prom Committee, Part Two
Tripp Gomez-Parker
Ezra Dirks
The Cowboy
Jake Doe
Nils Hendqvist
Hutch Saves the Prom
Luke Murphy
The Prom
James “Hutch” Hutcherson
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
A MERE SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO, A BEAUTIFUL blond baby was born in sunny San Anselmo, California. That baby was named Avery Dennis, and over the next seventeen years, she proceeded to date more hotties than most people date in a lifetime, to run the Prom Committee like it was her job, and to pretty much crush it, generally speaking. However, an unfortunate incident in the spring of her senior year changed everything, sending the formerly formidable Avery Dennis tumbling into a pit of doubt and despair.
This is the story of how Avery Dennis overcame adversity, decided she was done with dating, and against all the odds, changed the landscape of San Anselmo Prep’s senior prom forever.
Now that the legendary prom night of Avery Dennis has come to a close, the girls and boys—especially the boys—who bore witness to this historic event have come together to discuss the long and winding path that led Avery Dennis to her moment of greatness. Here, for the first time ever, is the complete and authoritative oral history of Avery Dennis’s dating life. I present to you, Ms. Segerson, “It’s Not Me, It’s You: An Oral History of Boys.”
—Avery Dennis
Avery, you clearly misunderstood the assignment. Please see me after class.
—Ms. Segerson
AVERY DENNIS, me: I had an epiphany in the place one is least likely to have an epiphany: American history class.
MS. SEGERSON, surprisingly stylish history teacher: To be honest, Avery is not always completely engaged in class. She takes copious notes, but they seem to be more of an excuse to use an entire rainbow spectrum of pens than to actually record the lecture. But there was something different about the day we first discussed oral history.
AVERY: Oral history is basically talking. It’s like when you interview people about events they witnessed, and then you learn about the events from lots of different perspectives. See? I do take copious notes.
MS. SEGERSON: The assignment was to interview several adults about an event in American history that they had lived through.
AVERY: But the assignment was the least important thing. Especially because we’re seniors. It’s spring semester. Like, who cares?
MS. SEGERSON: Oh, I cared very much about the assignment. And Avery’s final GPA cared about the assignment. And I bet the Admissions Committee at Pepperdine would care, too, if I happened to give them a call.
AVERY: I cared very much about the assignment. Especially when Ms. Segerson said that oral histories could help us understand why certain events had happened. And that there’s no time limit on history. Like, even if something just happened, it can still be history. Especially if what had just happened was an event of such horrible and epic proportions, it could barely be spoken of aloud.
MS. SEGERSON: At least Avery was keeping things in perspective. Imagine if she’d overreacted.
Editor’s Note: Ms. Segerson hadn’t been this sarcastic in September.—AD
AVERY: I had aged years in only a matter of days, and it was all because of … the incident.
NATALIE WAGNER, random freshman: Avery Dennis was the closest thing to a legend the senior class had.
BECCA HORN, random freshman: Avery Dennis was a known clone. It was like she’d watched a bunch of ’90s high school sitcoms and invented herself. The world did not need a third Wakefield twin.
Editor’s Note: The Wakefields are fictional California teens from a book series. Although this remark was clearly intended as a burn, they seemed pretty awesome when I googled them. Also, I was starting to understand what Ms. Segerson meant about history being subjective. And the perils of unreliable sources.
NATALIE, random but very wise freshman: Like, I’m not saying that if Avery Dennis wore army pants and flip-flops, I’d wear army pants and flip-flops, but everybody knows who Avery Dennis is.
BECCA, random and very disgruntled freshman: Yeah, I know who Avery Dennis is. Everybody knows who everybody is because this stupid school only has like sixty kids in each grade.
NATALIE: Avery Dennis was definitely popular. And, like, why is anybody popular, you know? Is that really something you can even define? Like, what is popularity? Why are popular people popular? Popularity is just like this ineffable thing. You’re either popular or you’re not. And Avery Dennis definitely was.
BECCA: Sure, I guess you could say Avery Dennis had it. If by it, you mean a lobotomy.
Editor’s Note: Unreliable sources.
NATALIE: She and her friends ate lunch every day in the best spot outside. She went to, like, every party that was actually a good party. She’d broken some kind of state tennis record. Her hair was like a golden veil.
BECCA: There is absolutely nothing remarkable whatsoever about Avery Dennis.
NATALIE: But perhaps most crucially of all, Avery Dennis had never been single. Ever. And I don’t mean just in this year that I’d been in school with her. Everybody knows that Avery Dennis has always had a boyfriend. Even when she was, like, in utero.
BECCA: Truly boring people are terrified of being alone. That tells you everything you need to know about the dating history of Avery Dennis.
NATALIE: She’d dated all the hottest guys at San Anselmo Prep. And most of the hottest guys at Sir Francis Drake High. And a certain TV star. And even, if you believe the rumors, a minor-league soccer player and the heir to the throne of a small European principality.
Editor’s Note: Sometimes rumors are just rumors.
NATALIE: It was almost surprising that she hadn’t dated Luke Murphy before senior year, you know? They just went together perfectly. Avery Dennis couldn’t have even built herself a better boyfriend in a lab! I mean, if there was a lab where you could, like, build boyfriends. Once they finally got together, you would see them walking down the halls and be like, yes, that is the golden couple.
BECCA: No, I wouldn’t have called Luke Murphy and Avery Dennis the golden couple. Firstly, that’s not a phrase I would use. Ever. And secondly, two people aren’t a golden couple just because they’re both blonds. Also, two blond people shouldn’t date. It looks weird, like they’re going to start singing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.”
NATALIE: I think it was all part of a master plan. Like, she didn’t want to date Luke Murphy too soon, because she had known since kindergarten that he would be the perfect senior prom date. Some people just have heads that were built to wear a crown. Luke Murphy has a prom king head. Maybe it’s his jawline?
BECCA: I didn’t even know that Luke Murphy and Avery Dennis were dating until after she went crazy. Because I have my own life. I cannot be bothered to keep up with the unending carousel that is A
very Dennis’s Boyfriend of the Month.
NATALIE: They had their differences, though. Luke was the captain of the lacrosse team and the Student Council president. Avery was the captain of the tennis team and head of the Prom Committee. Very different.
BECCA: Luke Murphy could be president. Avery Dennis could be the fascist dictator of a small country.
Editor’s Note: I could easily run a large country. Also, I’d be benevolent.
NATALIE: Luke Murphy is arguably the most popular guy at San Anselmo Prep. But he’s different than you’d expect, because he’s just so nice. Like he does some charity thing with tutoring special-needs kids or helping old people or something. He’s really nice. Teachers love him. Students love him. Babies and grandmas probably love him, too. Everybody loves Luke Murphy.
BECCA: I really can’t think of anything bad to say about him. Really, the man should be president. Especially after what he did to Avery Dennis.
NATALIE: I still can’t believe that we were there when it actually happened. Like, I was a witness to the Dumping of Avery Dennis. Oh—this is the other thing to know about Avery Dennis. She’s never been single. But she’s also never been dumped.
BECCA: Oh, I believe that Avery Dennis has never been dumped. Probably because she usually only dates other people with reptile-size brains.
NATALIE: I was sitting in the library with Becca, working on my math homework.
BECCA: I was not sitting with Natalie Wagner. We were sitting at the same table. We were not sitting together. I just want to make that clear.
NATALIE: Avery Dennis and I have the same free period. So there I was, just casually minding my own business and doing homework. Avery and Luke were sitting at the table next to mine. I could hear her giggling and I think she was, like, kicking him under the table but in like a footsie way, not in like an aggressive way.
BECCA: I wasn’t paying attention to Avery Dennis and Luke Murphy, because I am a normal person with homework of my own to attend to. Also, Ms. Dickerson was trying to secretly eat a sandwich at her desk, so I was staring at her. Just to make her uncomfortable.
MS. DICKERSON, librarian: I most certainly was not eating a sandwich at my desk. School policy expressly forbids food in the library.
Editor’s Note: She was most definitely eating a sandwich. It was totally obvious. At least when Ms. Segerson eats Chipotle during class, she owns it. But she never shares.
NATALIE: And then he started whispering. Then she whispered a little. Then he whispered a lot more. And then there was some furious simultaneous whispering. And then Luke Murphy whispered for a long, long time, and Avery Dennis was silent. Well, she was silent for a while …
BECCA: Avery Dennis let out an unholy screech. Like the kind of thing you would hear from a particularly vitriolic demon.
NATALIE: I looked over and she was standing. Her mouth was hanging open like she was still screaming, but no sound came out. The entire library was totally silent—everyone was staring at her in shock. Even Ms. Dickerson didn’t come over and yell at her for screaming in the library.
BECCA: At this point, I was looking at them because, hello, she had just screamed her tiny head off.
Editor’s Note: I have a very normal-size head.
NATALIE: Luke Murphy started to get up, and said, “Avery, I am so, so, so,” but she didn’t even let him finish. She screamed again and he sat down really fast and then she kicked her chair, and her foot went right through it. Like right straight through the back of the chair.
BECCA: Which was a really beautiful thing, because then she started hopping around and screaming and she could not get her foot out.
NATALIE: She was so lucky she was wearing pants; otherwise, that chair totally would have stabbed her leg.
BECCA: Luke Murphy said, “Avery, let me help you,” then she screamed, “DON’T YOU DARE!”
NATALIE: Luke kind of shrunk down in his seat and looked really, really scared.
BECCA: Ms. Dickerson must have regained her composure, because she whisper-yelled, “Avery Dennis, that is ENOUGH!” And Avery finally stopped screaming. Ms. Dickerson extricated Avery’s foot from the chair and escorted her out of the library.
MS. DICKERSON: Completely uncharacteristic behavior. Yes, I have to shush Avery on an almost hourly basis, but she’s not the type of student to be purposely disruptive. Or to destroy school property.
NATALIE: As she was leaving, Avery wailed, “I can’t believe this happened right before the prom!” It was so sad. I felt really bad for her.
BECCA: It was one of the most amazing things I’d ever seen.
TRIPP GOMEZ-PARKER, lacrosse teammate of L. Murphy: I told him not to do it. You don’t dump girls like Avery Dennis, man. You just don’t do it. But Luke’s got this, like, wacko sense of ethics or whatever. Said he couldn’t keep dating her if he didn’t feel it. It wouldn’t be fair. Like he was lying to her or something. Man, that kid is crazy. Like going to the prom with a hot girl is such a moral dilemma. You think Coco Kim is my soul mate? No. But she’s gonna look bangin’ in our prom photos. Just suck it up and rent the tux like the rest of us.
NATALIE: I don’t even remember how I figured out exactly what had happened. Everything happened so fast.
BECCA: It was obvious what had happened. Why? Because I understand context clues. 1. Luke Murphy whispered a bunch of stuff. 2. Avery Dennis screamed like a deranged banshee and had a complete meltdown. 3. Avery Dennis said something about the prom.
NATALIE: Within minutes, it was all over the school. Everyone knew that Avery Dennis had been dumped. And only days before the prom. I’m only a freshman—I wasn’t even going to prom—and I was freaking out! Legit everyone was freaking out. How could Avery Dennis have been dumped? And how could Avery Dennis not have a prom date?! It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense anymore. It was like we’d all just seen a zebra eat a lion. The world had lost its natural order.
BECCA: Everyone knew. But I didn’t understand why everyone cared.
TRIPP: No, I wasn’t there when it happened. But I knew it was gonna happen. So I wasn’t surprised when I heard about it.
Editor’s Note: A little heads-up would have been nice, Tripp. We were in the same discussion group in English third quarter. DID THAT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!
NATALIE: The ramifications of this entire situation were immediately obvious. Avery Dennis no longer had a boyfriend. So she no longer had a prom date. And every single upperclassman already had a date to the prom. Well, except the people who weren’t going to prom. But, like, who doesn’t go to prom?
BECCA: Smart people don’t go to prom. Luke Murphy had just done Avery Dennis a favor.
NATALIE: San Anselmo Prep was just too small. There were no prom dates left. What was Avery going to do, take a freshman to prom? Please. The shame! She was literally out of options. The head of the Prom Committee didn’t have a date to prom. And that was irony.
AVERY: Needless to say, when I arrived at Prom Committee after a very lengthy discussion with Principal Patel, I was strongly considering running away instead of running Prom Committee. And who could blame me, after getting detention and a bill for a new library chair? Dad was going to be thrilled about that one.
COCO KIM, best friend: Poor Avery. I knew what had just happened—practically the minute her foot went through the chair, the entire school knew Luke Murphy had dumped her. Even in Prom Committee, everyone had been talking about it literally right up until the minute Avery walked through the door. I felt so bad for her. But with my best-friend intuition, I knew the last thing she would want was for anyone to feel bad for her. So I just nodded at her super casually yet regally, like I was Eunice Kennedy welcoming Jackie back to Hyannis Port. Avery was wearing sunglasses indoors. It seemed like a very Jackie move.
AVERY: I didn’t want anyone to see my eyes! No one at this school had EVER seen Avery Dennis cry, and I wasn’t about to let them start! I would much rather be known as the girl who kic
ked her foot through a chair than the girl who cried over Luke Murphy. I couldn’t believe I had lost my cool like that. And over a guy, of all things. Beyond embarrassing.
COCO: “One must not let oneself be overwhelmed by sadness.” Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. I think a Kennedy documentary or two could have been very helpful to Avery’s life at the moment. Or to anyone’s life at any moment, really.
Editor’s Note: Sometimes I felt like Coco and Ms. Segerson were colluding to get me more interested in history. It wasn’t going to happen.
BIZZY STANHOPE, officially the worst: Poor, poor Avery Dennis. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Editor’s Note: Bizzy Stanhope and I have been mortal enemies since kindergarten. Since San Anselmo Prep is a K–12 school, I have unfortunately been stuck with her ever since.
COCO: God, I hate Bizzy Stanhope. Back when we were in kindergarten, she told everyone my lunch smelled weird on the first day of school. But Avery had my back. She spent the remainder of the day quietly filling up Bizzy’s shoes with glitter. We’d been in our socks since naptime. When Bizzy went to put her shoes on and leave for the day, she ended up with the shiniest socks ever. When she got home and took her shoes off, it was a glitter explosion. Have you ever tried to clean up glitter? There’s probably still some flakes under her couch.
AVERY: And best of all, I never got caught. Sure, Bizzy tried to tell the teacher it was me, but she had no proof. Even in kindergarten, I was just that good. The Glitter Bandit of San Anselmo Prep remains at large.
COCO: Just one of many wonderful episodes in a long and beautiful best-friendship.
AVERY: I just wish Prom Committee wasn’t a volunteer activity. I would have drummed Bizzy Stanhope’s ass out long ago if I could have.
BIZZY: I felt terrible for Avery. When she walked into Prom Committee, it was immediately obvious that she was distraught.
Editor’s Note: It was NOT obvious. Because of the sunglasses.
COCO: Avery slid into her customary seat at the head of the table, head held high. But she couldn’t even get a word out before Bizzy starting blabbing.
BIZZY: Before we got down to business, I knew there was something that had to be said. I offered to take over as head of the Prom Committee. It was the kind thing to do—no, the only thing to do. How could Avery possibly continue on, knowing she was the only person on Prom Committee without a date? It was too, too painful. I couldn’t let the poor thing deal with all that trauma.
It's Not Me, It's You Page 1