MICHAEL FEELEY, member of Hutch’s Dragon Wizarding Warlord Association or whatever: My mom already stocked up on tots with her Costco membership. The backup freezer in our garage is literally full of tots right now. Nothing. But. Tots.
HUTCH: So we keep things light in the early part of the evening. Ca-Tots, then Lords of Waterdeep, then Dust. But that’s only the beginning.
LIAM PADALECKI, another member of Hutch’s Dragon Wizarding Warlord Association or whatever: Exactly at the stroke of midnight, we begin Dungeons & Dragons: The Rise of Tiamat. And then we rage ’til dawn!
HUTCH: I had been planning this campaign for more than a semester. These guys are gonna get destroyed.
LIAM: It’s so cute how Hutch thinks he’s gonna wreck us. No way, man. No way. This is gonna be easy. People always underestimate a tiefling bard. That’s our secret.
MICHAEL: Liam said what? Ugh. Typical tiefling nonsense. He needs to take this seriously. Hutch is gonna bring his A-game. He always does. Man, we probably are gonna get crushed. Our campaign has like five bards right now. It’s nonsense. But no one ever listens to the gnome.
HUTCH: Tiamat is a dragon, AD. It does not get cooler than that. Is prom gonna have dragons? Or devastation orbs?
Editor’s Note: Who would want to go to any event that had something called a devastation orb?? Generally speaking, I try to avoid devastation, no matter what its geometric shape, in my daily life.
AVERY: Clearly, I had missed out on a great theme idea: Dragons under the Stars. I don’t know what I’d been thinking when I selected Midnight in Paris. Even though that was technically a misnomer, since prom ended promptly—and tragically—at 11:00 p.m.
HUTCH: Prom might end at eleven, but at Ultimate Game Night, we rage until dawn.
Editor’s Note: Rage was definitely not the verb he was looking for.
MICHAEL: Oh, we were gonna rage, all right. My mom got so much Mountain Dew at Costco I could build a fort out of it. Nobody sleeps at Ultimate Game Night!
HUTCH: Clearly, AD had never been on a campaign with me as the Dungeon Master.
Editor’s Note: The only campaign I’ve ever been on was when my mom ran for state comptroller, and that was plenty boring.
AVERY: If my oral history had been a lab report, Hutch never would have gotten so off task.
HUTCH: Fine. She wants a lab report? Does this whacked-out project even have a hypothesis?
AVERY: If I interview all my old boyfriends, then I will find out what went wrong. I’ll find out why I was dumped mere days before the most important night of my life—senior prom. I’ll figure out why all of my relationships ended—and what, exactly, that says about me. Which will totally help me in my new life as a single college freshman who is not distracted by dating at all and is way too busy having an obscenely high GPA and running the Student Government Association to waste any time on a boyfriend. Simple.
HUTCH: Nothing about this “history” included a hypothesis that was remotely testable.
AVERY: That’s why it’s a history project! Not a science project!
HUTCH: Is this even an oral history? You’re seriously screwing with the format.
AVERY: You’re screwing with the format! You’re not supposed to talk to me! I mean, you are, but I’m just supposed to be like an impartial observer!
HUTCH: You have never been an impartial observer of anything in your entire life.
Editor’s Note: Fact.
AVERY: Please help me! Please please please please please!
HUTCH: Chill, AD! You know you annoy people until they have no choice but to do your bidding, right?
AVERY: It’s an effective technique.
HUTCH: I will help you, but only for science. Because this is the most whacked-out hypothesis I’ve ever heard. Which means I’m probably the only person in San Anselmo who could prove it.
AVERY: And that was exactly why I’d asked Hutch for his help. Unfortunately, Hutch wasn’t available for step one of the project.
HUTCH: Discover was doing an article on teens in science.
AVERY: Hey! You should tell them about my oral history! It’s a totally unusual hypothesis, just like you said, right? I bet Discover would be totally into it.
HUTCH: I am absolutely not doing that.
AVERY: Fine. I’ll call Discover and tell them about it myself when it’s finished.
HUTCH: So Discover had asked to profile me for this article. And normally my reaction to getting my picture taken for anything was no—
AVERY: You are on the cover of literally every single piece of promotional material at San Anselmo Prep.
HUTCH: I didn’t know they were taking those pictures.
AVERY: Sure, somebody walks into a classroom, holding a camera, but your nose is too deep in A Brief History of Time to notice a flash.
HUTCH: I can’t help that I have the photogenic complexion and charisma of a young Neil deGrasse Tyson.
AVERY: The San Anselmo Prep admissions team does love a nice, diverse picture. If you looked at our brochures, you’d think Hutch and Coco were in every class together.
HUTCH: But it was Discover, man! I had to say yes. I still couldn’t believe I was going to be in those hallowed pages. Just like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Dennis Bray and Alain Aspect and—
AVERY: You’re just making up words now.
HUTCH: They’re scientists, AD.
AVERY: Whatever. Hutch was off to be America’s Next Top Model Scientist—
HUTCH: How do you not know who Neil deGrasse Tyson is? He’s like the Drake of the scientific community! It’s like you don’t even listen to me.
AVERY: Fine! Hutch was off to be the next Neil deGrasse Tyson. Which meant I needed assistance from elsewhere. Luckily, I knew exactly who to turn to—the person who had been by my side when it all began. The witness to the very first case in my oral history—my best friend, Coco Kim.
AVERY: My first boyfriend wasn’t my boyfriend. He was … my husband.
COCO: Dramatic much? You’re sensationalizing, child bride.
AVERY: I’m trying to pull in the reader!
COCO: The reader? Who’s reading this?
AVERY: The historical record.
COCO: Oh, boy.
AVERY: I’m asking the questions here, Coco! Just answer them, please.
COCO: Avery and I have been best friends since before we were even born. There are pictures of our moms posing together, showing off their completely chic baby bumps. So I was well versed in the histrionic language of Avery.
Editor’s Note: People probably called Shakespeare histrionic, too, and look at how well things turned out for him.
COCO: Of course I was there for Avery’s first boyfriend. I’ve been there for almost every single boyfriend! Well, most of the ones that she met in the contiguous United States, anyway.
Editor’s Note: Those other boyfriends were going to be hard to track down … OR WERE THEY??? Look at the foreshadowing, Ms. Segerson! I’m pulling in the reader!
COCO: Anyway, we didn’t need to worry about any of Avery’s other boyfriends just yet. We were talking about Bobby Boback, Boyfriend #1.
AVERY: Bobby was cute. So cute. Crazy cute. Like he should have had his own show on the Disney Channel cute.
COCO: We all noticed him right away. How could we not? He was adorable. Big brown eyes, a shock of hair always falling across his face … I mean, who wouldn’t want to put their nap mat down next to that. Amiright? I was so excited to call Bobby again. I was sure he was still just as cute! Not that we’d be able to tell how cute he was over the phone, but still. It was exciting.
BOBBY BOBACK, Boyfriend #1: Oh, man. Wow. Avery Dennis. Before Coco and Avery called me, I hadn’t heard that name in a long time. She had really, really long, really blond hair, right? That’s about all I remember.
AVERY: Some might say kindergarten is early to start a relationship, but I was an advanced child.
BOBBY: Wai
t a minute—Avery Dennis? You’re saying she was my girlfriend? You’re sure about that?
AVERY: HE DOESN’T REMEMBER ME????
COCO: He was absolutely Avery’s boyfriend. I remember. Because we had just had snack, and Avery marched up to him and said, “You’re my boyfriend now,” and he said, “Okay,” and then at recess Avery said, “We’re getting married now,” and he said, “Okay,” and I remember this very well because I officiated the ceremony.
BOBBY: Man, I don’t remember any of this.
AVERY: THIS IS WHY MY RELATIONSHIPS NEVER WORK OUT. BECAUSE I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FORGETTABLE!!!
BOBBY: If you say I dated Avery Dennis, I believe you. I just don’t remember it. My memories from back when we lived in California are super fuzzy.
COCO: Seriously? I can’t believe you don’t remember this! Honestly, Bobby, this was a total waste of a phone call to Michigan.
BOBBY: It’s, uh, Rob now.
AVERY: NOBODY ASKED YOU, BOBBY.
COCO: Don’t worry, Avery, I remember what happened. Avery and Bobby were married until the end of the day, then Avery dumped him right before she went home, and he said, “Okay.” It was pretty amicable, all things considered.
BOBBY: Uh, okay.
AVERY: Plus ça change, plus ç’est la même chose, Bobby.
BOBBY: Rob.
AVERY: GET OUT!
BOBBY: YOU called ME!
Editor’s Note: He hung up.
AVERY: This was a total disaster. My oral history project was a complete and utter failure. Boyfriend #1 didn’t even remember me! I learned absolutely nothing about why I’m single right now or about why I always end up single—before I start going out with someone new, anyway. How could I be expected to break this endless pattern of doomed relationships if I didn’t even know why they were doomed?
COCO: I realized our mistake immediately. We weren’t going to learn anything exploring these deep cuts. The answer was obvious: We needed to fast-forward a couple years. It was time to reconnect with Avery’s first real boyfriend. The first one she kissed.
AVERY: She had a point—and it was certainly more efficient than lingering in the K–5 years. But I wasn’t sure I was ready for where she wanted to go. I had, after all, been recently dumped. The wounds were still fresh.
COCO: Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night—we’re going back to middle school.
Editor’s Note: I am probably the only person in the history of time who looked cute in her seventh-grade school photo. And I was still nervous about revisiting middle school. Rough times, man.
COCO: First Bobby? Now Robby? For the first time, I realized Avery had a serious Robert problem.
Editor’s Note: Robert is a very noble name! It literally means “bright with glory.” BRIGHT WITH GLORY. Who doesn’t want a boyfriend who’s bright with glory? Also, since Robby still went to our school, I knew I didn’t have to contend with him being all pissy about only being called Rob now. Some men have the confidence to keep rocking the Robby.
AVERY: Robby was new in sixth grade. I spotted him and his immaculate calves immediately on the first day of school. God, I love the first day of school. Always new boys. That is probably the worst thing about going to a small school—the boys get totally stale.
HUTCH: I had no idea why Avery and Coco wanted me to be part of this Robby Monroe interview—I didn’t even go to San Anselmo Prep in sixth grade.
Editor’s Note: He was there to analyze the evidence, DUH!!!! Honestly, sometimes I swear it’s like Hutch doesn’t even listen to me. I’d have to cover my body in, like, constellations or microspores or something if I wanted him to actually pay attention to me.
BIZZY STANHOPE, officially the worst: Yeah, I guess Robby Monroe was cute in sixth grade. In a generic way. Like, that was exactly the kind of nondescript person Avery would set her sights on. No offense! I mean, he was totally good for Avery.
Editor’s Note: Offense!!! I take offense!!
COCO: There was a general buzzing amongst us sixth-grade girls about new Robby being cute, but it wasn’t until the soccer season started that Robby was, like, a thing.
BIZZY: Robby’s good at something, right? Like some sport or something? I’m sorry, I’m so busy with Sean during football season, I just don’t know what else goes on in the fall.
Editor’s Note: Oh my God, the only team sports San Anselmo Prep offers guys in the fall are football and soccer. There are literally ONLY TWO THINGS.
AVERY: He was amazing. I was on the swing set with Coco after school one day when I saw Robby dribbling down the field.
COCO: I am an avowed sports hater, but the first time I saw Robby play, even I was impressed.
TRIPP GOMEZ-PARKER, soccer teammate of R. Monroe: Robby carries the team, man. And he has since sixth grade. Definitely the best forward we have. I think Coach started crying when Robby showed up.
COACH BRACKETT, soccer coach: I have cried only two times in my life: when I watched the US win the World Cup live, and when my daughter was born. So, no, I did not cry when Monroe showed up to tryouts for the first time. Heck of a player, though.
Editor’s Note: I swear, though, he looked a little teary just thinking about it.
COCO: So we were sitting on the swing set, but we had both stopped like mid-swing, just staring at Robby with our mouths open. He did this super kick and the ball soared into the net—is it a net? The goal? The goal net? Whatever. And Avery said, I’ll never forget it …
AVERY: “Coco, I am going to kiss that boy.”
COCO: And I knew she would. Avery makes things happen. She’s the only person I know who does exactly what she says she’s going to do. If Avery said, “Coco, I am going to the moon,” I would fully expect her next text to be a space-suit selfie.
Editor’s Note: Awww. I <3 Coco. There is nothing better than a best friend who believes in you. Would I go to the moon? Depends on if they’ve improved on that nasty space ice cream, I think.
HUTCH: I see our first pattern emerging already: Avery as aggressor. Not that I’m surprised. All of these relationships have been instigated by Avery.
Editor’s Note: Well, he’s not wrong, but I don’t love the idea of myself as an aggressor. It makes me sound like the Terminator or Predator or some other kind of alien robot monster.
COCO: But Avery didn’t make her move on the soccer field. She waited ’til Cressida Schrobenhauser-Clonan’s birthday party. Ohh, I miss Cressida’s birthday parties! Why did Cressida stop having them? They were so fun. The whole grade was there and her mom always got ice-cream cake, which is my favorite.
CRESSIDA SCHROBENHAUSER-CLONAN, AP bio classmate: Sixth grade was the last year my mom made me have a birthday party. And she made me invite the whole. Freaking. Grade.
BIZZY, officially the worst: Oh, yeah, I remember Cressida’s birthday parties. They were so cute. Like, her mom would actually get balloons and streamers and an ice-cream cake, like it was a birthday party from the 1950s or something. For my sixth-grade birthday, the theme was Cirque du Soleil. Daddy got aerialists, and they were totally amaze.
Editor’s Note: Literally no one cares, Bizzy. No one asked about your stupid sixth-grade birthday party. Ugh.
COCO: Because sixth graders couldn’t go to the middle school homecoming dance—so rude—Cressida’s birthday party was pretty much the social event of the fall. Avery and I got ready together, and we spent so long on our outfits. And making plans about how Avery could get Robby to kiss her.
AVERY: I was hoping the potent combination of soda and ice-cream cake would create the kind of free-for-all environment where anything could happen.
HUTCH: I almost feel bad for poor Robby Monroe of the past. Avery and Coco plotting about how to get him to smash his face on Avery’s sounds like a terrifying prospect.
Editor’s Note: OMG, I am not terrifying! I swear, Robby was thrilled to kiss me. Read on, Hutch. You’ll see.
COCO: Ave
ry had rejected all of the ploys I’d learned from TV—Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, etc. Honestly, it was sort of like the blind leading the blind, since I’d never kissed anybody either.
AVERY: I wanted the kiss to happen naturally, not because he was forced to kiss me by the laws of Truth or Dare.
HUTCH: Truth or Dare is in no way legally binding.
Editor’s Note: It absolutely is.
ROBBY MONROE, ex-boyfriend, kind of a big deal on the soccer field: God, yeah, of course I remember Cressida Schrobenhauser-Clonan’s sixth-grade birthday party. How could I not? That was my first kiss.
Editor’s Note: Awww, he remembers! Take that, stupid Bobby Boback!
BIZZY: Um, no, I do not remember what Robby Monroe was doing at Cressida Schrobenhauser-Clonan’s sixth-grade birthday party. Tamsin and I were busy secretly opening all of her presents to see if she got anything good. She didn’t.
Editor’s Note: See? She is a psychopath! Who opens somebody else’s birthday presents?!
ROBBY: Sixth grade was rough, man. It’s hard being the new kid at a school where everyone’s known each other since kindergarten. I had the guys on my team, but I didn’t know them that well yet. And of course my mom had dropped me off at the party the minute it started, and no one I knew super well was there yet. Man, I would not repeat middle school for a million dollars. Standing in the corner of Cressida’s basement, drinking a Sprite alone, looking around for someone to talk to … That was probably the most awkward I’ve ever felt in my life.
COCO: I loved Cressida’s basement! It had that big leather sectional that was so comfy and a foosball table and Ping-Pong and a nice squashy carpet, and her mom like never bothered us. Seriously, someone needs to tell Cressida to start having birthday parties again.
CRESSIDA: I was up in my room, reading. My mom said I had to have a birthday party. She never said I had to be in the room where the party was happening.
ROBBY: I was trying to decide if I should call my mom to come pick me up—or if I could just somehow will myself to disappear into the floor—when the most perfect girl I’d ever seen walked down the stairs to the basement and straight toward me.
It's Not Me, It's You Page 3