Editor’s Note: I knew I’d win her over eventually with my ratty skills! Also, I definitely did not break Tripp’s heart—I am not nearly conceited enough to think his anguished dancing had anything to do with me. That was all the torture of his secret double life.
COCO: I felt so bad for Avery. It was the craziest freak accident! The pipes burst in the theater, and they canceled the production of The Nutcracker! It was all she’d been talking about for weeks, and then the show just didn’t happen. Isn’t that awful? You would think they would have been able to find an alternate space or something, but Avery said the sets were just too elaborate to re-create on such short notice. And then Tripp broke up with her—or she broke up with him? I don’t remember, exactly. Anyway, it was a very sad December. We had a lot of cocoa.
HUTCH: Avery came into school and spent the entire day talking very, very loudly about how the pipes burst in the theater and The Nutcracker was canceled. Something seemed off about the whole thing. When I asked her a question about how the water in the pipes could have possibly gotten close to freezing—pipes usually burst because water expands as it freezes, which causes an increase of pressure inside the pipe, which ruptures them—she got all shifty and clammed up. I pointed out that the temperature hadn’t dropped below 49 degrees all month, and she said, and I quote, “Shut it, Hutch, you’re not a pipe doctor,” which is when I definitely knew she was lying.
AVERY: Stupid Hutch and his stupid rational mind! He stopped poking around after I told him to shut it, but I was still nervous he’d accidentally expose Tripp. Of course I wanted Tripp to tell everyone who he really was, but I wanted him to do it on his own terms, not because I’d forced him to.
HUTCH: The crazy thing to me is that nobody at our school even bothered to google it. Seems completely obvious, right? I guess everyone just took Avery at her word. But I went to Madame Dubonnet’s website. They were still selling tickets—no mention of burst pipes anywhere to be found.
AVERY: And you know what? It ended up being totally fine that Coco and everyone else from school couldn’t come. Honestly, I looked like a big old idiot in that cookie costume, so it was probably better that no one but my mom and dad saw me. Dad’s review: “Christ, Avery, that was long.” Mom’s review: “You make a surprisingly convincing rat.” So I pretty much nailed it.
PAUL DENNIS aka DAD, father, ballet hater: Avery, I wasn’t saying you did a bad job when I said the show was long! Long is good! Great, even! It was just … It was really long, kid.
HUTCH: I knew that blond “boy” in the party scene was Avery. I spotted her right away. But I didn’t understand why she’d told everyone the show was canceled until the Nutcracker came to life. At first, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I figured I had to be wrong—it was just someone who looked almost identical to Tripp Gomez-Parker. Tripp, in a ballet? Tripp, good at ballet? It seemed impossible, but the most logical explanation is, after all, usually the right one. This explained why Avery had kept everyone from our school from coming to the show. Tripp must not have been ready for people to know he was into ballet. Although I don’t know why, because the guy was incredible. I had come to see Avery, obviously, but I felt like I spent most of the show staring at Tripp with my jaw hanging open, rubbing my eyes in disbelief.
Editor’s Note: WHAT?! Hutch came and saw The Nutcracker?! Why did he come?? Why did he never tell me that he came?? What did this even mean?!
HUTCH: I never told anyone what I’d seen. Liam probably could have kept it a secret, but Alex would have had a field day—could you imagine? He’s always getting worked up over the popular kids. Probably would have tried to bring Tripp down in some kind of Revenge of the Nerds ballet maneuver. If AD wanted to keep Tripp’s secret, then I’d keep it for her, too.
TRIPP: Avery Dennis is a really cool girl, man. I don’t think there are a lot of people who could have kept that to themselves. Usually nothing is a secret at San Anselmo Prep. But she really kept that one on lockdown. Do I think I’ll ever tell anyone? Maybe. Yeah, maybe in college. Things’ll be different in college, I bet. The dance department at my school’s supposed to be pretty good. I’ve been thinking about trying out for the fall show. The girls in the pictures on the website are smoking.
Editor’s Note: Ugh. See? Still the same old Tripp.
HUTCH: And you know what? Avery was a really good rat.
AVERY: For the last boyfriend in the sophomore slump, there’s really nothing that wrong with Ezra Dirks.
COCO: There are two things that are very wrong with Ezra: his parents.
HUTCH: In 1990, childhood development researchers Foster Cline and Jim Fay coined the term helicopter parent to describe parents who “hover”—hence the helicopter—over their children in a way that inhibits the child’s development into an independent adult. I have no evidence to support my theory that they coined this term after meeting Joan and Martin Dirks, but I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if they had. Ezra and I don’t even have any classes together, and I’m on a first-name basis with both of his parents. I think that shows you just how involved they are.
PRINCIPAL PATEL, principal: We have a great deal of parental involvement here at San Anselmo Prep, but they are some parents who take the term involvement to a whole new level. No, no, it’s a good thing! Of course it’s a good thing! I so enjoy my weekly phone check-ins with Mrs. Dirks on Ezra’s progress.
Editor’s Note: It did not sound like he enjoyed it.
TRIPP GOMEZ-PARKER: I think most people know who Ezra Dirks is because his mom still walks him all the way inside the building to make sure he can open his locker. For the first week of school, she sits in the back of all his classes, too, and she makes sure he can transition from class to class. I’m serious, man. She even did it this year. Senior year! Can you imagine what happens next year when Ezra goes to college? His mom’s probably gonna enroll and make sure she’s his roommate.
EZRA DIRKS, ex-boyfriend, helicopter child: People like to make a big deal about my mom, but it’s really not a big deal. It’s not. She just likes to be involved in my life. It’s not that weird.
BIZZY STANHOPE: Ezra is so weird. His parents are obsessed with him. He’s basically a giant baby. I’m surprised he and Avery didn’t date for longer, considering that she’s also a giant baby. She’s still throwing a temper tantrum about the fact that we lost our venue due to an unforeseeable financial situation. It’s like, get over it. The only person you have to blame is yourself. What kind of subpar head of the Prom Committee doesn’t have a Plan B when it comes to the venue anyway? I hope everyone remembers this when casting their votes for Prom Queen. Well, on the big night, I’ll make sure everyone knows exactly whose fault it is. If it even happens.
Editor’s Note: Evil. Pure evil. When I asked Principal Patel if we could hypothetically move the prom to the parking lot, he said okay but that the school would not provide any tables and wouldn’t be liable for people falling on the asphalt. Then he started asking all these questions about why I would even want to hypothetically move the prom to a parking lot, and I felt like such a failure, I couldn’t tell him what had happened, so I mumbled something about the infinite nature of possibility and left. I really hope Hutch has a miracle planned. Because that’s the only thing that can save us now.
COCO: It’s just hitting me now that I should have been doing a better job of policing post-breakup Avery. Not just sophomore year—our whole lives! She’s always extremely vulnerable to a new relationship in the wake of the old one’s demise. Sometimes I think it’s like Puck flew in and hit her with that magic love flower like in A Midsummer Night’s Dream—she pretty much starts dating the next moderately cute guy she sees. Although I probably couldn’t have done much. Avery’s dad has been clearly trying to keep Avery too busy to date for years. Look how unsuccessful that’s been, and Paul Dennis once had an entire airport shut down.
Editor’s Note: It was a small airfield, but still.
EZRA: Avery D
ennis literally ran into me.
COCO: Avery has two modes in school—she either forgets everything she needs or she carries the entire contents of her locker with her. The Ezra Dirks day was an entire-contents-of-the-locker day.
EZRA: Avery collided with me, and her papers exploded all over the hall. Reams of papers filled with notes in a rainbow of pen colors. I bent down to help her pick them up, and our eyes connected while we were on the floor.
AVERY: A shock of brown hair fell into his eyes in a very charming way. And then he stood up to hand me my papers, and I’d forgotten that Ezra Dirks was really very tall. Surprisingly tall. Pleasingly tall. So what if his mom walked him inside? Maybe it was nice that he liked his mom! I asked him out.
COCO: It always happens when I least expect it. I mean, seriously—Ezra Dirks? His most distinguishing characteristic is his mom. That’s not exactly a vote of confidence in Ezra as a person slash potential boyfriend.
AVERY: I knew that Ezra’s parents were involved in his life, but my parents are involved in my life, too! Parents are simply a factor in any relationship when you’re a lowly high schooler. Besides, I thought I would have been used to it from hanging out with Coco. Her parents are pretty protective, so I honestly didn’t think it would be that different.
COCO: My parents are nothing like the Dirkses. My mom didn’t want me to go to Italy because she thought someone might pinch my butt. Ezra’s parents don’t like him to cross the street by himself.
JOAN DIRKS, helicopter mom: I’m always surprised that Ezra hasn’t had more girlfriends. He’s intelligent, kind, funny, handsome, sensitive … a total catch.
MARTIN DIRKS, helicopter dad: Of course, Ezra has always been very focused on his studies. Doesn’t leave a lot of time to date when you’re conducting graduate-level work in high school!
Editor’s Note: Hutch choked on his lemonade when he heard that bit about “graduate-level work.”
MRS. DIRKS: I remember Avery, though. Very pretty. Very polite when we picked her up for their first date.
AVERY: I didn’t think anything of it when the Dirks family minivan rolled up in front of my house. After all, we were sophomores—drivers’ licenses were thin on the ground. I happily clambered into the back with Ezra, thinking his parents were going to drop us off at the movie theater. But then they parked.
MRS. DIRKS: No, I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable with Ezra seeing a movie without me, especially not with someone I didn’t know very well. I was sure Avery was a very nice girl, but you never know, do you?
Editor’s Note: I really wish she had elaborated. What did she think I was going to do?! Shank him with a shiv I’d fashioned out of a straw if he hogged the popcorn?
EZRA: My parents prefer that I only watch movies that are rated PG, which is totally fine by me. A lot of directors use language, nudity, and violence as crutches, anyway. You really have to rely on the storytelling when you’re crafting a film to fit within the confines of the strictest subset of the ratings system.
AVERY: When Ezra suggested we see the new Pixar movie, of course I was happy to go! I’ve got eyes, ears, and a heart, don’t I? Who doesn’t love Pixar?! I didn’t realize, however, that Ezra had made his choice out of necessity. I didn’t find out until later that he was only allowed to watch PG-rated movies.
COCO: When Avery texted me that Ezra’s parents were coming into the movie theater with them, I thought, okay, maybe they’re buying the popcorn. When she texted me that they followed them into the theater, I thought, okay, well, my mom sat in the back of the theater when I went out with Sam Levi in eighth grade. But when she texted me that Ezra’s mom sat between her and Ezra, I knew we were on a whole different level.
AVERY: She chirped, “Let’s sit girls and boys!” and maneuvered me away from her precious son. Thank God I had gotten M&M’s, because my popcorn access was almost nil.
COCO: This was the red flag to end all red flags. This was Enjolras building a barricade in the back of the movie theater so he could stand on it and wave that huge Les Miz red flag. And yet … Avery ignored it.
MRS. DIRKS: It was great, getting to sit with Avery at the movies. I could tell she really enjoyed our girl time!
EZRA: My mom and Avery got along really well. It was awesome.
COCO: You know what? Maybe the Sophomore Slump had nothing to do with the guys. I think it was literally Avery’s Sophomore Slump—like Avery was the one in a slump, not the duds she picked. The Avery I know today would have demanded to sit next to Ezra, and then probably dumped him in the parking lot for not demanding to sit next to her. But sophomore Avery let this relationship drag on forever. Months. Seriously! Months! It went on until the end of sophomore year!
AVERY: Nothing Ezra or his parents did was ever really that bad, you know? Ezra was really sweet, and if I had to spend a lot of time with his mom, well … Joan wasn’t that bad either.
COCO: Finally, it was the steak that broke the camel’s back.
MR. DIRKS: We decided to take Ezra out to dinner to celebrate his tremendous accomplishment of graduation from sophomore year—what a seminal year! Ezra invited Avery along to dinner at the steakhouse as well, and we were happy to have her.
AVERY: I love a good steak. New York strip, medium rare, baked potato on the side … I’m in. I was happily chowing down when I noticed something very, very wrong.
MRS. DIRKS: The knives seemed awfully sharp, and the steak was much bigger than I had thought it would be. So I started cutting Ezra’s steak into bites for him, like I always do, and blowing on the pieces to cool them down. They were much too hot.
AVERY: HIS MOM WAS CUTTING HIS MEAT. HE WAS A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD MAN-BOY WHOSE MOM CUT HIS MEAT FOR HIM. I had to get out of there. I had already stayed in that relationship far, far too long.
EZRA: I have no idea what freaked Avery out at the steakhouse. I guess she’s kind of crazy. She stood up, said, “We’re done here,” grabbed her steak, and walked out of the restaurant.
MR. DIRKS: It’s always the pretty ones who are nuts, huh? Girls just can’t help themselves around Ezra—they go crazy for him. I guess Avery couldn’t handle the magnitude of his charisma.
AVERY: I hope Ezra’s mom has a fantastic time at our parking-lot prom.
MRS. DIRKS: I knew it from the very beginning, and I’ll say it again now—Ezra was too good for her. It’s so hard for Ezra to find someone who really, truly deserves him.
PAUL DENNIS aka DAD, father, reluctant chauffeur: Pam was at her book club, so I had to come pick Avery up at Le Steak when she called. I found her sitting in the parking lot, eating a New York strip with a couple of the busboys. That was the moment I knew things had gone too far. Dennises don’t eat steaks in parking lots, for Christ’s sake! The only time we eat in parking lots is during tailgates, and there was no tailgate here. Avery’s obsession with dating had to be stopped—and fast.
COCO: My God, reliving the Sophomore Slump had been rough. I was so ready to move on to junior year.
HUTCH: What was the lesson here? I couldn’t figure out why on earth AD would have agreed to go out with any of these guys.
AVERY: I knew exactly what the lesson was—that I had made the right decision by vowing to stay single. What was I missing out on by giving up dating? Sharing popcorn with someone’s mom? I could share popcorn with my own mom.
HUTCH: And then I had a major lightbulb moment. We knew AD had been the instigator of most of her relationships. But when she wasn’t … had AD ever actually turned down anyone who had asked her out?
COCO: You know … Wow. You know what? I don’t think Avery’s ever actually said no to anyone who asked her out. Isn’t that crazy? I tell people no all the time. I’m like a no machine!
BIZZY: Of course Avery’s never turned anyone down. Dennises are desperate. That’s what Daddy says. They’re desperate in business deals, and they’re desperate in dating.
Editor’s Note: NO ONE calls Dennises desperate! Bizzy wa
s ripe for another shoe full of glitter.
HUTCH: This was fascinating. AD looks like the popular girl from a movie who would laugh in a guy’s face when he asked her out—I know that’s not who she is, but that’s who she looks like. I had a theory, though, as to why AD had had so many boyfriends—and it was so much more than simply her never turning anyone down. It explained, I thought, why she was almost always the person doing the asking out. I think AD likes to see the best in people. I think she likes to give everyone a shot. I think she sees parts of people they don’t normally show anyone else—I don’t think it was a coincidence that she was the only person in our grade Tripp Gomez-Parker had ever been totally honest with about his secret life, even if her showing up at the ballet studio seems like a completely random event. There’s something about AD that makes people feel okay to be completely themselves. She’d asked all these guys out because she’d seen something great in them, even if it was something they couldn’t see themselves. Plus, I think she’s way more a hopeless romantic than she’d want you to think. I think AD always thinks her next boyfriend is going to be “the one.”
Editor’s Note: That was a lot of I thinks, Hutch! Am I all those things? Do I make people feel those things?! I felt like the more Hutch was analyzing me, maybe the more I was actually learning about Hutch. Like how kind he was, and how generous he was with his opinions of other people. Of me. Hutch showed me far more kindness than I’d shown to so many of my ex-boyfriends. I was still feeling bad about Liam Padalecki. ☹
AVERY: The slump was finally over, but it was busted in the most unlikely of places—the quarantine center where my dad forced us to spend the summer to keep me away from boys.
PAUL DENNIS aka DAD, father, boyfriend hater: All of Avery’s little romantic entanglements had been cute when she was ten. I didn’t mind the handmade valentines and misspelled poems cluttering up our fridge. I didn’t even mind driving her to the putt-putt course or the movie theater or wherever her current swain was taking her. But as Avery finished sophomore year, it became abundantly clear to me that boys had become nothing but a distraction, and it was time for Avery to get serious. You couldn’t put down “serial dating” as an extracurricular activity on a college application.
It's Not Me, It's You Page 13