by Nicky James
“No, I’m over him.”
Alessio made a derisive noise as the light turned green and he accelerated. He didn’t believe me. I had a track record of letting that asshole ex back into my life and he knew it. Not anymore. I’d gone home for two months for a reason. I was refreshed and like I’d told Alessio; over it.
At my apartment, Alessio helped me grab my luggage from the back. He slammed the door once they’d been removed, and turned to me. “When are you back at work?”
“Next week. A couple more days off to recover.”
“All right, well, let’s try that coffee thing again some night I’m not working.”
“Sounds good, Lessie.” I wrapped him up in a brotherly hug and he squeezed extra hard and patted my back.
“Start fresh, fratello. No more bullshit with Cole. Promise me.”
“Yeah, yeah. I promise. You want me to move on, and yet when I flirt, you razz me.”
Alessio laughed as he pulled from my arms. “So you admit, it was flirting.”
I grabbed my bags and turned from him with a shake of my head. “No, I think I was the one being flirted with.”
“Mm hmm. Just be careful. They were young, don’t go getting yourself in trouble.”
I ignored his final statement and waved. “Later, Lessie. Thanks for the ride.”
My body let out a sigh of relief when I walked into my apartment. It was good to be home. I’d missed the order and structure of my life. The past two months had been a struggle to maintain control. Different routine, different environment, different everything.
Sleeping in my own bed would be bliss.
I was beyond tired, but I knew it would be a while before I could settle enough to crawl into bed. Returning to my life in Flint, Michigan also meant returning to my neurotic, more comfortable way of living.
First and foremost, I needed a hot shower. Imagining how many micro-organisms crawled over my body after travelling all day and night was enough to raise the hairs on my arms. So many people, so many unclean surfaces. Also, leaving my bag packed until morning would only cause chaos in my mind, so I knew I’d be doing laundry as well. Nothing in my life was that simple. I didn’t have one of those brains you could just shut off or ignore. When I got something in my head, it stewed and grew to ungodly proportions. It bothered Alessio more than it did me. I knew it wasn’t normal, but I was used to it.
Starting with a circular check of my apartment, since I’d been gone for two months, I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t be going to sleep until the sun came up.
Chapter Three
SOREN
“Just agree that he was super sexy and I’ll shut up.”
I buried my face in the pillow and tried to turn away, but Ash’s arm across my back kept me in place. His fingers played in the ends of my hair, and his body pressed against my side where I laid flat-out on my belly.
“How about you stop talking, and I won’t kick you to your own bed?”
“Why are you so grumpy about him? He seemed nice.”
I turned my head to face Ash. We were nearly nose to nose in the dark. I was used to it. He shared my bed often. It was a comfort thing for him, and I’d adapted over the past year. I carried a huge weight of responsibility for Ash. It was self-induced, probably because of his innocence and the world he’d been cast into. Many times, over the past year, I’d found myself comforting him in ways that made the lines of our friendship blur.
Sharing a bed frequently was one. Being intimate on occasion was another. His pleading brown eyes were hard to ignore, especially after a rough night at work or having to deal with Donny.
“He’s a cop, Ash. Don’t start daydreaming about being with a cop. If he had any notion what we did for a living, not only would we end up arrested or fined, but the club would be shut down and we’d be out of work.”
He squirmed closer and nuzzled his head under my chin, wrapping his arms around me. “It’s just fantasies. It’s not real. I was just saying how sexy he is. That’s all.”
I shifted to my side and rested my chin on his head, sighing. “Yeah, he was attractive, but just keep it at that, okay? Fantasies.”
I could feel Ash smile. His arms tightened, and he squeezed in closer, even though there was no room left between us.
Just as I began falling asleep, Ash whispered against my chest. “How old do you think he was?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. Older than my brother. Early thirties maybe. He probably thought we were a bunch of kids. Go to sleep.”
It was after five in the morning. At the rate we were going, by the time we got up, we’d have no time for ourselves and we’d be right back at work. Ash relented. Eventually his breathing changed, and I knew he’d fallen asleep. I let my body relax and soon followed.
Just before two, I awoke suffocating in Ash’s arms and with drool on my chest where his head had rested. I curled my nose and shoved him over so I could get up. He mumbled in his sleep and retreated to the other end of the bed where he hung an arm and leg off and continued to sleep.
I stumbled to the bathroom and took a leak before staring at myself in the mirror. My hair was a disaster, worse than simple bedhead. I’d gone to bed with my hair wet after a shower and hadn’t bothered drying it, so it was chaos. When finger combing did nothing to remedy my problem, I sighed and gave up.
In the kitchen, I found the coffee pot under the counter where we stored it and balanced it between the elements on the stove. Space was limited, and there was no where else to put it where there was an outlet nearby. I plugged it into the stove socket up top and found the filters and coffee. Once it began its slow drip, I retreated to the kitchen table and sat.
Mine and Ash’s home was nothing more than a single room studio apartment. The floor space was only big enough for both our beds—one on each wall—a TV, a tiny wooden kitchen table, and two mismatched bar stools we’d confiscated when my other job did renovations on their dining area.
The kitchen wasn’t a separate room at all but more of a designated area cut into one corner. The only thing defining it as a kitchen were the three square-feet of tiled flooring left to walk on after, the stove, the fridge, and the sink were in place. There was less than a square foot of counter space; not even enough room for the microwave. Ash had decided to place it on top of the fridge, but we both needed to stand on our toes to get at it since neither of us were tall.
The bathroom was the only separate area in the apartment. It was small and barely big enough for two people to occupy.
As the coffee brewed, I checked my phone and found two missed calls from my older sister, Ember. I screwed up my brow, wondering what she might have wanted. We barely spoke, and the last time we’d seen each other was over a year ago. She lived in Indiana with her husband and never came back to Michigan anymore.
Although I couldn’t be certain, I assumed it was partly to do with our family falling apart a few years back. Ember didn’t like drama and removed herself from being caught in the middle before someone asked her to pick a side.
In short, my parents were devout Catholics, and when my brother and I came out, everything fell apart. We hadn’t been much of a family since. Unless one day we decided to become un-gay, the likelihood of our relationship ever fixing was nil.
I left my phone on the table and got up to pour myself a cup of coffee. I added milk and three heaping scoops of sugar before giving it a good stir. Once I returned to the table, I hit the call button.
It rang three times before she answered. “Sor Bear! You are alive.”
I smiled at her excitement. I missed my sister and hated that we never saw each other anymore. “Hey, Em, how are you?”
When I was younger, I’d given her shit for calling me Sor Bear, but for some reason, it didn’t grate on my nerves as badly anymore.
“I’m doing great. It’s Saturday, so I’m being lazy and lounging by the pool since it’s about a million degrees out. Where were you? I’ve been calling you all day
.”
“I worked late last night.” My brain raced around fake job titles, in case she asked what I was doing for work. My current profession wasn’t exactly something you bragged to your family about. My brother, Abel, already razzed me enough.
“Damn, sorry. I always assume just because I work a Monday to Friday, nine to five job that everyone does.”
Wanting to steer the conversation, before she inquired at length, I asked, “So how have you been? I haven’t heard from you in a long time. What’s up?”
The breeze crackled across her phone and muffled her voice when she spoke. “Well… I have news.” Her smile was evident, even though I couldn’t see her. She bubbled with excitement.
When she didn’t elaborate, I pushed. “And…” I sipped my coffee and glanced to where Ash still slept in my bed across the room. That guy could sleep through a hurricane.
“I’m going to have a baby,” she squealed. The words came spewing out of her so fast it took a second for me to catch them all.
“A baby?”
“Yes!”
“Oh wow, Em, that’s amazing. Congratulations. When?”
“I’m due the end of November. Sor Bear, I’m so excited. Mom and dad are thrilled. I called and told them yesterday.”
At the mention of my parents, my smile faltered. Even though Ember couldn’t see me, I hid it as fast as I could and tried to hold onto the joy her announcement brought. It stung. Although none of it was Ember’s fault, the fact that she could still just pick up the phone and call home without a second thought made me jealous.
“That’s great, Em.” My enthusiasm had weakened, and I cursed myself, hoping she didn’t notice. It wouldn’t be fair to take her joy away because of my personal feelings toward my parents.
Unfortunately, she detected my slight change in tone and sighed.
“So, umm, do you talk to Abe anymore? The little shit never calls me, and I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. Has his number changed or something?”
I sat up straighter and took a quick sip of coffee, not wanting it to get cold while we talked. The delay also gave me a moment to wipe away my negativity toward my parents. “Yeah, he uprooted and moved to Canada. Met a guy and moved in with him last year. I can give you his number.”
“Wow, that was fast. Didn’t he just lose his husband?”
“That was almost two years ago, Em.”
“Oh.” She laughed sadly. “I guess it has been that long since we all touched base, hasn’t it? I hate that we are so distant. Is he doing okay?”
I took another sip of coffee. “Much better last I talked to him.”
Abel and I hadn’t spoken a whole lot since I’d moved in with Ash. Enough times for me to know he was doing better, but there was still rawness between us. Abel and I had lived together for a couple years after I’d come out to our parents and run away. When he’d lost his husband, Landon, to cancer, he’d become self-destructive and we’d grown apart. No matter how hard I’d tried, I couldn’t help him. Every effort only pushed him further away.
His current boyfriend, Kieran, had been the key. Looking back, I felt badly for the way I’d treated Kieran. If it hadn’t been for him, Abel would probably have offed himself.
Kieran was Landon’s high school ex-boyfriend. When I’d discovered the two of them were hanging out, I’d done nothing more than aggravate the situation, not seeing how much Kieran was helping Abel. I regretted it, but the damage to our relationship was done.
“Do you have a number where I can call him?” Ember asked again.
“Yeah.” I put her on speaker while I pulled up my contacts on my phone. “Got a pen?”
“Yup.”
I rhymed off Abel’s new number, and we chatted a little while longer about babies, her husband, and life in general. It was nice to catch up.
When Ash stirred and made his way to the bathroom, I decided it was time to wrap up our conversation. I didn’t want her hearing another guy and asking questions. I could envision the way that would play out already. Yes, Ember, I live with another guy. No, we aren’t in a relationship. And then came the relationship questions. Are you dating? Why not? Blah, blah, blah.
“So, Em, I gotta go. I work in a couple of hours, and I have a bunch of stuff I need to get done.”
“Yeah, okay, Sor Bear. Listen,” Hesitation came through in her voice, and I paused. “I was hoping to have a family baby shower and meet-and-greet type of thing when the baby is born. I wanted to invite all the family. I was hoping you and Abe would consider coming. I want my brothers there.”
My muscles tensed at her request, and I tightened my hands around my mug. “Are mom and dad going to be there?”
“Yes, that was kinda the point, but—”
“Pass.”
“Sor, listen. I’m going to talk to them. This is for me and Stephen. I want my family here and together for once without everyone being at each other’s throats. I hate what we’ve become.”
“Abel and I didn’t do anything wrong. I doubt he’ll go either.”
“I’ll talk to them.”
“I don’t think so, Em.”
She sighed. “Give me a chance. If I can’t convince them to leave their bullshit problems at home, then I understand. But, if they promise to be amicable, will you consider?”
I pursed my lips as Ash came out of the bathroom and wandered to the coffee pot. “We’ll see.”
Ember’s joy dripped away and guilt blanketed me. “Okay. I’ll be in touch.” She sounded like she was going to hang up, but as I was about to end the call, she spoke. “What about if Abel agrees to come? Will you come if he comes?”
“He’ll tell you the same thing. I guarantee it.”
She admitted defeat and after a short exchange of I love and miss yous, we hung up.
Ash came and plopped himself on the second stool with a steaming hot cup of coffee in his hands. “Who was that and where aren’t you going?”
“Nosey much?”
“Yeah, so?” Ash had bedhead to the extreme. His brown curls stuck out every which way and he didn’t care. He blew a long strand off his face before taking another sip of coffee. “Tell me.”
“It was my sister. She’s having a baby and wants to get the family together for a shower after it’s born.”
Ash grimaced, knowing my past with my parents and understanding my predicament. “Well, if you decide to go, I can go with you. You know, as back up or something. Then if your brother and boyfriend goes too, we’ll outnumber your mom and dad, and they’ll have nothing to say.”
I laughed humourlessly. “Oh, they’ll have plenty to say. My dad doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut and neither does Abel. The shit he called us when Abe and I were little was damaging enough, and that was before he knew we were gay.”
“Okay.” Ash lowered his head to his mug and sipped at it quietly. I knew he was only trying to help, and I appreciated it. If I thought for a minute my parents could be amicable, I’d consider going. But, they couldn’t, and I knew it.
I drained the last of my coffee and checked the time on my phone. Two-forty-five. Five hours until we needed to be back at work. The sheer notion made my skin crawl and nose curl. Every day was worse. Maybe Ash was right. Maybe going to college wasn’t such a bad idea. If I cut back on my clothing and gaming budget, I could save and not have to apply for a student loan. Except, there was the small detail of school being extremely difficult for me. It would be a waste of money and I’d probably fail.
No matter how hard I applied myself, I always fell behind and eventually gave up. It’d been like that since grade school and was the big reason I’d dropped out of high school when I was just shy of seventeen.
I drained my coffee and shuffled around Ash to pour myself a refill.
“If you went back to school, what would you take?” I asked.
Ash’s head lifted and his brown eyes widened. “I thought you said you didn’t want to go back to school.”
“Answe
r the question.” I brought the pot over and topped up Ash’s mug as well before dumping the remaining dribble into the sink and shutting off the machine. When I rejoined Ash, he was still bewildered. “What would you take?” I urged.
“Umm… Probably something that would allow me to travel the world. Like culinary or travel and tourism or something.” He sipped his drink and a smile curled his lips. “Then I could go to beautiful foreign countries and find sexy Italian men with hot accents to flirt with.”
I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Would you stop with the cop already. I’m being serious.”
Ash giggled. “So was I. And stop rolling your eyes. You’ve been doing it a lot lately and you know Donny gets on your case about it.”
I sneered playfully, knowing he was right. “Then stop giving me a reason.”
For years Donny had been drilling it into my head that it was not only unprofessional, but it showed my age. Since Donny had been trying to pass me off as older for years, he’d made a point of trying to rid me of the habit. I’d been doing well. However, lately, with my new-found distaste for my job, the habit had returned.
“Why are you asking? Are you considering college now?”
I shrugged and drained my coffee, getting up to put my empty mug in the sink before answering. “I don’t know. Maybe. If I save up then I wouldn’t need a loan. I could take one class at a time and maybe it wouldn’t be so hard.” I left my dirty mug in the sink and went to the dresser to dig out some clothes for the day. “Except, I’d probably have to keep working at the club,” I added as an after thought. “The bar just doesn’t pay enough on its own.”
I tossed a clean pair of faded skinny jeans, a tight black t-shirt, underwear, and clean socks onto my unmade bed before stripping. Being naked in front of my roommate didn’t faze me in the least. Between our work and the shady lines of our friendship, it was just normal.
“Did something happen at the club?” The words fell from Ash’s mouth so fast it took a second for me to process them. When I dashed him a glance, he shifted uncomfortably and looked as though he wanted to withdraw his question.