I had to ask him about it. I needed to know, or I would go crazy.
James finished his phone call and came back inside. When he met my eyes, he sighed, and I practically had my answer, but I had to ask anyway.
“Jenn, I—”
“Why won’t you kiss me?” I asked and interrupted him before he could say anything else.
His eyes widened, and his eyebrows practically flew up into his hairline as he stared at me with pure shock. He had apparently not expected me to confront him about it.
“Well, uhm, I…” He looked around the room while he searched for the right words.
“Is it because I’m fat? Is that it? Do you think I’m repulsive?”
His gaze flew back to mine, and he immediately strode up to me with fire in his eyes. It wasn’t a passionate fire. It was an angered fire, and he reminded me of the old James. I gasped in fright when I saw it, and my heart beat faster when he grabbed my upper arms in his firm hands.
“Don’t ever say that,” he said through clenched teeth. “I don’t ever want to hear you talk badly about yourself, okay? You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met,” he continued fiercely, and I suddenly felt how close I was to tears.
“Then why haven’t you tried anything with me?” I asked with a shaky voice. “It feels as if you don’t even want to touch me.”
James let go of me and let his head fall forward. I heard him sigh again as he stepped away from me. I could also hear him mumbling, “Why now? Why today?” underneath his breath while he began pacing the length of the room.
He inhaled sharply and turned back around toward me. “Jenn, I don’t think you can fully understand how much I do want you. It’s always on my mind. I think about you day and night and sometimes I’m afraid that it’s going to drive me insane with the way that I’m holding back, but I’m doing it for you. I don’t want to scare you away because I can’t lose you again. I’ve told myself repeatedly that you need more time and that you will tell me when you’re ready.” He stepped closer to me again, and the fire in his eyes was present again, but it was different this time. At least, I didn’t feel scared. “If you’re telling me that what you want at this moment is for me to kiss you, then I will gladly do so. I will kiss you until you can’t breathe, until you forget your name, because that’s what I’ve wanted to do since the beginning.”
I was completely stunned by his speech. I hadn’t realized that was how he felt, and so I couldn’t respond in any other way.
“I want you to kiss me.”
He didn’t even waste a second before he captured my face between his hands and brought my mouth to his in a searing kiss that practically caused an explosion inside of me.
The sensations shot through me at lightning speed, and my heart sped up considerably. Baby moved around as much as the confined space allowed.
I brought my own hands up to his shoulders and tried to bring him even closer, but my stomach was in the way.
I hadn’t felt anything like this in years, but not until this moment did I realize how much I’d craved it. I had missed being taken by storm by a guy, having him sweep me off my feet and then tell me how much he wanted me.
It was every woman’s dream, and I had deprived myself of it because of the very guy that was now kissing me with a passion that could have lit up my entire house.
I felt tingles all over my body, and it was eventually me who took the kiss further by opening my mouth and practically begging for his tongue, and I felt elated when he granted my wish. He wrapped his tongue around mine, and it felt as if he was slowly making love to my mouth.
We both groaned at the sensation, and he pressed our bodies closer together by bringing his hands to my hips.
Because of the difference of our heights, I could feel his belt buckle press against my belly button, and when we stepped even closer, I felt a hard kick that worked as a reminder that Baby was still there.
The kick caused James to stop, and I wanted to whine about it, but when he also smiled and chuckled slightly, I looked at him questioningly.
“If your stomach hadn’t cushioned the blow, that would have hurt,” he replied, still chuckling, and I realized then that Baby had actually kicked him in the groin. Baby had definitely voiced an opinion on whether we should continue or not.
“I guess Mama’s off limits for the moment, huh, Baby?” James continued with that amused smile still etched on his face and his eyes directed toward my stomach.
I just loved that James had taken to my nickname for my unborn child. He, just like everyone else in my family, called them Baby since it was easier with the whole not-knowing-what-gender-they-were.
I smiled at him, touched that he was talking to my child, and decided that Baby would have to learn to share me, so I stood up on my toes, and with the help of a hand on James’s neck, I pulled him back down to me so that we could continue our kiss.
He was willing so far, but the kiss wasn’t as intense this time, and after only a short moment, James stepped back from me.
He had his eyes closed, and his head directed down. His entire body language screamed of regret and guilt, and my heart dropped down into my stomach.
“What is it?” I asked when he didn’t say anything.
He finally looked up at me, and he must have seen the fear in my eyes because he stepped closer to me again and placed his arms around me in a very comforting hug. He had never hugged me at the program, and I believe that was why I melted so completely when he did now. It was the first and only thing I had that I would never compare with how he used to be.
“Jenn,” he swallowed. “I have to tell you something.”
I froze in his arms, but I stayed where I was. I felt way too scared to move. “What?” I asked.
“I can’t stay here,” he said almost inaudible.
“What?” I asked again. My heart had climbed up from my stomach into my throat where it was beating a mile a minute.
“I can’t stay here,” he said again. “I’ve been called back.”
I instinctively loosened my hold on him, but he responded by tightening his own embrace.
“Called back where?” My voice was weak, and I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
“To Chicago. I’ve completed my job here, and now I have to go back.”
I couldn’t believe how I had completely forgotten that the only reason James was even in Seattle was because he was working. It had completely slipped my mind, and I realized that I hadn’t planned for him leaving.
I had worked it out in my head that he would stay here indefinitely and that we would slowly work on our relationship. Suddenly, everything became so much more complicated. It would be rather difficult working on our relationship when he wasn’t here.
“When?”
He sighed. “It was my boss that called earlier. He wanted me to book the next flight back, but I asked for a few days.”
“Why?” It was a pathetic question, but I really hoped that he would say I was the reason for his wished delay back.
“Are you serious? After everything I just told you? After that amazing kiss, do you really think I could just leave you like that?”
He couldn’t see it from our position, but I smiled in response to his questions and shrugged. That caused him to grab my upper arms again, but much gentler this time around, so that he could look into my eyes.
“Jenn, I know that I’ve done a lot of things that have caused you to mistrust me. I get it, and I understand it, but I don’t want you to doubt that what I told you was one hundred percent true. I wouldn’t lie about that.”
I looked deep into his eyes, and all I could see was honest sincerity. There was nothing there that gave me any reason to doubt him now. It didn’t look like a mask, and he had shown me time and time again during these past three weeks that I could trust him now.
He wasn’t the same man anymore.
A knot dissolved inside of me when I finally came to the decision to give him my trust
. A weight lifted off my shoulders, but a totally new lump formed in my throat when I thought of his impending leave.
“How long will you be gone?” I asked with a thick voice. I could feel my eyes burning and my tears on their way, but I didn’t want to cry. I wasn’t fully prepared to show him how vulnerable I felt right now.
He gently brought one hand up to cup my cheek and brush away the lone tear that had decided to escape anyway. “I don’t know. It all depends on my boss. He could decide to send me out on a new job, or he might grant me some free time after this one. That’s why I have to go back. So I can sort everything out.”
I nodded and swallowed down the rest of my tears. I was going to be strong.
“If you’ll allow me, I will call you all the time,” he said with a small smile, and I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at that. “Besides, I’m sure your family and Baby here-” he stroked my stomach softly when he said that, “-will keep you plenty busy. You won’t even notice I’m gone.”
I nodded in agreement even though I thought that was bullshit. I would definitely notice his absence. We had been seeing each other almost every day for the three weeks that had passed since I met him at that supermarket.
Actually, when I thought about it, I wondered how he’d had any time to work.
I shrugged it off though. It wasn’t important now because his work had nothing to do with me, so how he did his job wasn’t of my concern.
“We still have a few days at least,” he continued in an attempt to cheer me up a bit. He could still see right through me, and he knew that I wasn’t looking forward to our separation.
I was so relieved in that moment that it was Friday and that I didn’t have to go to work until Tuesday. I wanted to savor the time I had left with him.
As I took his hand and led him to the couch, I felt a bit scared that I had already started to depend on him so much, but I tried to keep it out of my mind. It was expected that I would start to depend on him as my feelings changed.
It was all part of a relationship, and I had slowly started to accept it more and more that James and I were in fact heading into a very serious one.
We decided to spend that day in my house. We lounged back on my couch and watched a few movies, even though I couldn’t concentrate on them.
I was leaning back against James’s chest, and his hands were placed over mine on my stomach. Occasionally, he would tighten his hold and entwine our fingers, and whenever he felt Baby move, he would softly run his fingers over that spot.
I reveled in the simple moment and never had I yearned for a simpler life than I did in that moment.
CHAPTER 27
BITTER AND SWEET
I threw my cover to the side and carefully sat up on the edge of my bed with my feet hanging off the side. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to move gracefully with my growing stomach, but the good news was that I only had around ten weeks left before Baby was out here with me.
I couldn’t wait. I was beginning to slowly tire of being pregnant.
I’d had yet another sleepless night because I constantly had to get up to pee, and when I wasn’t up or tried to rest on the couch, Baby couldn’t stop moving.
Also, on an even worse note, I’d been constipated for a few days. Sue had told me repeatedly to eat more wholegrain and fiber, but it was difficult for me to think about it because it wasn’t something I usually had in my diet—not a lot anyway.
And, James had been gone for a month.
As much as I liked to see myself as a very independent woman, it was difficult not having him around. He had actually been gone for longer than he had been here, and every day I tried to keep myself busy with what I used to do before he showed up, but I found it hard to remember.
He called me several times a week and told me that he really wished he could be in Seattle with me, but his team—whatever team it was—was wrapping up the case he was working on.
The more he talked about it, the more convinced I became that he was somehow involved with the government—maybe FBI or CIA. It all just appeared so official, and he talked in riddles all the time.
I wasn’t prying, because I knew as a law enforcer myself how important secrecy and confidentiality was, so I accepted the lack of knowledge I had about his job. I was feeling positive that one day, he would tell me.
As I got dressed for work, I couldn’t stop myself from missing my old clothes. The only thing I could get on now was tights and my maternity pants that expanded as my stomach grew. All the clothes were just so light and frilly, and I hated it.
I wanted my dress pants and shirts. I wanted to be able to fit my gun belt around my hips again.
I groaned when I realized that yet another one of my tops was now too small, and whenever I raised my arms the tiniest bit, I exposed my entire middle section. I chucked it off me onto the floor and glared at my reflection.
Baby decided to stretch then, and I looked down at my stomach. “I hope you’re happy. You’re making it difficult for Mama to get dressed in the morning,” I said sulkily and apprehensively reached for one of the maternity shirts that Sue had bought me. It was the least frilly of them and it was pistachio green, so it would have to do for today.
My gun belt stared at me from my bed, and I glared at it before I took one of my extra holsters that I attached to the only belt I could still get on. I also attached my badge and tied my shoes before I went downstairs to eat breakfast.
It was still early, so I decided to give into my craving for blueberry pancakes and a banana muffin that I had thawed overnight, but I frowned at the green tea and cast a longing gaze toward my coffee pot.
“Please, just hurry up in there, will you,” I mumbled toward my stomach again and whipped together the batter for my pancakes.
I had just fried the last pancake when I heard a knock on my front door before the sound of a key being turned. I knew then that it was Dad.
“Where are you?”
“In the kitchen, Dad,” I replied, and he soon came in wearing his work suit and his own gun belt. His own badge was, like mine, attached to his belt and on full display even though he very rarely worked out in the field anymore. He mostly sat in his office these days, but I knew he missed the real police work.
“You’re making pancakes?” he asked, and started to prepare some coffee.
This was a routine we’d gotten into after I’d truly started to work on the force. It wasn’t every day, but it happened a few times a month that Dad came over before work.
“Yeah, and there’s enough for you if you want,” I said and took out two plates from the cabinet. “But don’t touch the banana muffin! That’s mine,” I warned him with a smile.
“Don’t worry, Doll,” he reassured me. “I know better than to steal your muffins.”
We ate mostly in silence, but I had to tell him to leave the dishes in the sink and that I would take care of them when I came home.
“Jenn, why don’t I give you a ride to the station today?” he suggested carefully as I locked my front door.
“Why? Dad, I can drive myself to work.”
“I know you can, but there are a few things I’d like to talk about with you and it would be easier to take that talk during the drive.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Is this another one of your overprotective notions?”
Dad held up his hands in surrender. “I promise that I only want to talk to you.”
I narrowed my eyes at him suspiciously, but gave in and climbed into the passenger seat of his car.
After only a couple of minutes on the road, Dad inhaled and opened his mouth. “So, Jenn, how’re you feeling? Not long now?”
“I wish it could just be over. I want to be done with this pregnancy,” I admitted with a sigh, but my hand was still tenderly stroking my stomach. Even though I couldn’t wait for the birth of Baby, I knew it would feel strange when my stomach was empty again.
“I know you’ve already expressed your th
oughts on your maternity leave, but have you—”
“No, Dad! I’m sticking to my decision. I’m not going on my maternity leave earlier than I’ve already told you.”
Dad smiled at my outburst. “I know that, and I wasn’t about to persuade you into anything else. What I wanted to know is if you’ve thought about what you will do when you feel ready to go back to work. We all have demanding jobs, so we won’t be able to help you. Have you thought of daycare or a private baby sitter?”
I shrugged. “I guess I haven’t really thought about that. Maybe I should start calling around. I’ve heard that some daycares have waiting lists stretching out over a year.”
Dad nodded in acknowledgement of that. “What about that guy?”
“What guy?”
“You know, your friend. James…something.”
“James Masen?”
“Yeah, him.”
“What about him?”
“How are things going with him?” Dad knew the entire story, but as far as I knew, he hadn’t threatened James’s life yet. I knew he was a strong believer in giving people a second chance, but I was his little cub, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d had a talk with James behind my back.
I smiled. “It’s going fine. I miss him, though.”
“Has he told you when he’s coming back?”
I shook my head. “No. It’s still uncertain, but last night it sounded as if things were going well, and I believe it won’t be long now.”
“So you think he’s earned your complete trust now?” Dad’s tone was kind of accusing, and I sighed.
“Dad…” I began, but he didn’t let me finish.
“Now, listen to me, Jenn. This guy instilled major insecurities in you, and I haven’t exactly gotten the chance to truly speak to him and make my own opinion yet, so don’t judge me for looking out for my little girl—especially now when you’re so vulnerable.”
“I’m not more vulnerable than usual,” I stated.
“Really? So you can tell me with certainty that your hormones had nothing to do with giving James a second chance?”
The Perfect Guy: A Romance Novel Page 20