“Yeah, it’s all my fault,” Didi shouted back. “Wait. Let’s cue the violins. She’s just a younger woman, for Christ’s sake, not an alien from another planet. You don’t want compassion. You want me to feed into your narcissistic pity spiral. Poor, lovelorn Kate. When will the winds of happiness ever blow her way? Well, I’m not doing it. I’m through holding your stupid hand.”
“Get out of my face,” Kate said, staring Didi down.
“You get out of mine,” Didi said. “In fact, just get out of my house.”
“Fine.” Kate marched to the door and down the front steps of Didi’s unit. Stopping at her car door as her tears overcame her, she canopied her eyes with a hand and cried, free and hard.
“Kate,” Didi called from the porch after a few minutes. “I didn’t mean to kick you out. Come back inside.”
“I don’t blame you. Even I can’t stand myself right now. I’ll just go home and have a pity party in solitude. The cat listens but doesn’t yell at me.”
Didi chuckled. “You’re kidding yourself if you think the cat’s listening.”
Kate chuckled, too.
“Look, I feel like having a pity party, too,” Didi said. “I have a couple of bottles of white chilling in the fridge. Don’t let me feel like an alcoholic drinking alone—which I will if you leave.”
“How could I call myself a friend if I allowed that?” Kate shuffled back up the sidewalk and into Didi’s condo.
She suddenly grabbed Didi and hugged her, resting her chin on her shoulder.
After a moment, Didi gently pushed her back. “C’mon. Let’s go in the kitchen. I bought a nice brie that’ll go great with the pinot.”
“Thanks. Look. I’m sorry I’ve been such a beast lately,” Kate said as she sat on a stool at the counter. “But how do you think you’d react if the love of your life walked out on you after seventeen years? How long would it take you to trust falling in love again?”
Didi joined her with two glasses and the bottle. “Did you hear what you just said?”
“About being dumped after seventeen years?”
“You called Lydia the love of your life. Since when? You guys had your run, but since then you’ve been living the dream of the successful, independent single woman.”
“I was living it,” Kate said.
“Until Jordan swept in and knocked down all your defenses. This isn’t about Lydia at all. You’re clinging to that bad experience, using it as a shield against what you felt with Jordan.”
“This thing with her is so intense—she’s so intense. How is she so sure of what she wants at thirty?” Kate sighed, yielding to her emotional exhaustion. “I don’t ever recall feeling for Lydia what I feel for her. If losing Lydia could destroy me, what could losing Jordan do somewhere down the road? I’m just not equipped to take that chance again.”
“You’re not the same person you were when you were with Lydia,” Didi said. “You were young and unsure of yourself—an anxious mess with panic disorder. You’re none of those things today—especially young.” A smirk capered across Didi’s face.
Kate allowed a slight grin. “I used to think I was so sure of myself.” She shook her head in an attempt to clear the commotion in her mind. “I just prefer my life the way it was before I met Jordan. I was focused and in control, and I liked how that felt.”
“Kate, I know this goes against all that’s holy to you, but no one is ever truly in control of anything. Some of us are just better at managing the illusion of it. You couldn’t stop Lydia from leaving, and you can’t will away your feelings for Jordan because they’re inconvenient.”
Kate needed a healthy sip of wine to wash down that acrid dose of reality.
“Whether you’re ready for this or not, it’s here,” Didi said. “I can tell you what I’d do, but we all live our own experiences and form our own perspectives. I’m your best friend, and I get you well enough to know this whole self-preservation through avoidance bit isn’t serving you anymore. Jordan’s revived you, and deep down, you don’t want to lose her.”
Kate exhaled heavily. “I already have.”
“Well, I might’ve found out for sure if you hadn’t stormed my condo like the DEA at a suspected meth lab. I was trying to figure out if she was scheming to get you back or just needed someone to talk with to help her get over you.”
“It was probably the latter.”
“You can always call and ask her.”
“Uh, yeah,” Kate said, dragging out her words. “I’ll be sure to give that some thought.”
Didi grinned slyly. “No, you won’t.” She topped off their wineglasses and motioned for Kate to follow her to the living room.
“I said I’d give it some thought.” Kate kicked off her shoes and threw her feet on the coffee table.
Didi followed Kate’s lead. “I’ll tell you one thing. I’m pretty certain that after that shit show tonight, you’ve finally cured me of my penchant for meddling.”
“Ah, so something positive came out of this after all.”
Kate raised her glass, and Didi tapped hers against it.
Chapter Twenty
Close Encounter of the Awkward Kind
When Kate received the text notification that her court case had been moved down on the docket until Friday, she indulged in the breezy autumn afternoon with an iced coffee on the green—alone. After the scene with Jordan and the one with Didi that almost compromised a thirty-year friendship, she’d kept to herself as much as possible, thinking and overthinking until the Ambien kicked in each night. All the while her mother’s words, “You should think about her,” streamed across her mind like skywriting. As much as it pained her to admit it, her mother had a point. If Jordan had shown up on Didi’s doorstep seeking closure, who was Kate to stand in the way of that?
When she got back to the reception area, Didi wasn’t at her desk. She called out to her. No answer. She walked into her office to a startled Jordan standing at the round conference table clutching her iPad.
“Jordan,” she said, frozen in the doorway.
“Kate.” Jordan stared for a moment as though Kate might be a mirage. “Uh, Didi called me to help her with the site.”
“Oh, okay.” She dropped off her briefcase on her desk and stood there. “Where is she?”
“She just left to pick up some sandwiches down the street. She said you’d be in court most of the afternoon.”
“I was supposed to be, until the clerk moved my case.”
“If you’d rather, I can come back another—”
“No, no, that’s silly. You’re already here.”
With a curt smile, Jordan sat back down and continued working, offering no indication whatsoever that she was open to peace talks. Kate tried not to look disappointed; considering their last encounter, she should’ve known better than to hope for a warmer reception if they’d ever run into each other again.
She pulled her laptop out of her valise, waiting for Jordan to look up. No dice.
“I’ll just be outside, so I don’t disturb you.”
“No. It’s your office,” Jordan said, barely acknowledging her. “Besides, I’m almost done. Fifteen more minutes, and I’ll be out of here.”
“Okay.” Kate sat behind her desk and fired up her laptop, stealing glances in Jordan’s direction. She was brilliant at the cold shoulder. Kate tried to focus as she scanned a research website on legal precedents, but the silence drifted over and chilled her like a damp fog. Research at this point was futile as long as Jordan was in the room.
She stood up and groaned as she stretched her arms out in front of her. What the gesture lacked in subtlety, it made up for in effectiveness as Jordan finally glanced up.
“Do you have a minute?” Kate said.
“Sure.”
“Jordan, I owe you an apology,” she said across the room, behind her desk. “I don’t know what I was thinking at Didi’s the other night. Displaced aggression never used to be my style.”
“F
or a novice, you’re exceptionally good at it.” Jordan reclined in her chair, appearing to relish the upper hand Kate had served her.
“Lesson learned,” Kate said clumsily. “Again, I’m truly sorry.”
“Thanks,” Jordan said. “I appreciate that.” She offered a lukewarm smile and returned to her iPad.
Kate’s lips parted as she attempted to scrape together the right phrase that might begin to clear the wreckage of their relationship. Kate hated how cold Jordan was toward her and hated even more the idea of hard feelings. What was needed at that moment was a profound sentiment that could neutralize the tension between them.
“So, how’ve you been?” Brilliant, Kate. Right on target.
Jordan looked up again, this time clearly contemplating if Kate was serious. Or sane. “Uh, I’m fine, thanks for asking.”
“Jordan, this may be hard to believe, but I never meant for it to turn out this way.”
“I bet. Most people toss their garbage to the curb and never expect to see it again. But, sucky for you, I keep turning up like spam in your inbox.”
“Please don’t leave here believing I felt that way about you. It was never because of you. I really cared…” She stopped herself with a sigh, wary of what might’ve dribbled out next.
Jordan stood and folded her arms across her chest. “What would you like me to walk out of here believing, Kate? Every time we see each other, it just gets more confusing. I mean, the It’s not yous and the I never wanted it to end this ways add a nice touch, but they don’t mean anything.”
“Jordan, I’m trying to apologize for hurting you.”
“Thanks, but I don’t care that you never meant to hurt me. Maybe I will someday, but right now, knowing that doesn’t change anything.” Jordan began to gather up her things.
“Please. You don’t have to leave.”
“Yeah, I do,” she said, heading for the door. “I wasn’t looking for a relationship either, Kate, but I fell in love with you. It didn’t matter how young or old you were or how scary it felt falling. I just wanted to be with you. I don’t get how you could walk away from that if you truly loved me. That was probably the issue all along.”
Kate followed her into the reception area. “Jordan, wait. Let me…”
“I can’t.” Jordan finished both of their sentences with a shake of her head and stormed to the door, slamming it on her way out.
Kate flinched from the bang. “Dammit,” she bellowed and dropped onto the couch.
A few minutes later, Didi returned to the office. “What are you doing here?” She put the bag of sandwiches and chips on her desk as her eyes scanned the room.
“I work here, remember?”
“You were supposed to be in court.” She lowered her voice and pointed toward Kate’s office. “Is Jordan in there?”
Kate shook her head.
“Then that was her I spotted down the street. I thought another hot girl like her was roaming the city.”
“You couldn’t have handled your website questions over the phone?” Kate said, then became animated. “Or at least warned a sista she was coming in?”
“In light of your past performances, I thought I’d take my chances getting her in and out before you got back. Figures this had to be the day you get moved.” She joined Kate on the couch. “So what happened? You didn’t go postal on her again, did you?”
“No. In fact, I apologized. Quite sincerely, I might add.”
“How’d she take it?”
“Wasn’t having it. She’s still hurt and pissed. She might not have come right out and told me to suck it, but trust me, the sentiment was there.”
“Well, I’m proud of you,” Didi said as she pulled a veggie wrap from her bag.
“For what?” Kate shook off Didi’s offer of the extra sandwich.
“For apologizing to her and keeping calm in the situation. It must’ve been difficult since, well, you know, because you’re still in love with her and all.”
“Just eat your stupid sandwich,” Kate said and headed back into her office.
“Life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?” Didi said.
“Are we still going to the Yankee game tonight?” Kate tapped her watch. “Or should we just head over to group therapy?”
“We have to get the 4:07 train. Viv is meeting us at the stadium at 6:45.”
“She’s still coming, huh? She must’ve bought off the person sitting in the seat next to us so Maia could come.” Kate giggled to herself.
“No. Maia isn’t coming,” Didi said casually. “It’s just us.”
“Oh, no. Did they break up?”
Didi huffed. “No, Kate, they didn’t. You know how hard Viv is trying to get it right this time. I’m convinced she’s finally grown up. She’s getting married. You should be less sarcastic and more supportive with her.”
“Well,” Kate said, hiding her shame with a creepy, genial tone. “Thank you for the new butthole I wasn’t aware I needed. Would you care to run home and get ready for the game after you finish your lunch?”
“Yes, I would. Thank you,” Didi replied with a victorious smile. “Thank you very much.”
* * *
As Kate watched the Yankee stadium grounds crew drag rakes across the infield from two rows behind the first-base dugout, she entertained Didi’s earlier suggestion that Viv had finally grown up and was an actual participant in a healthy, adult relationship. Talk about the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. At the moment, she hated herself for privately begrudging Viv. During all the years she’d remained single after Lydia, at least she could celebrate the feather in her cap of being dysfunction-free, while Viv and Didi scrambled around the dating field like toddlers at their first T-ball game. Viv knew what she wanted and was doing the work to earn the prize. How petty of Kate to wish it was her instead.
She examined the perfect amber of her draft beer, then sipped it hoping to find her Zen place before Didi and Viv returned for the start of the game. Her first ALCS game. She should’ve been jumping out of her skin. Rather, she had wanted to climb out of her skin, if only to assume a different identity, one that hadn’t been acquainted with the pain of loving and losing Jordan. Although breaking up was a logical decision, weeks later, her heart was still playing for the opposing team.
“Dinner is served,” Viv announced as she and Didi climbed over Kate with bags of sushi delivery.
“It’s about time,” Kate said. After standing for the pledge of allegiance, they tore into the bags and balanced the containers on their laps.
Didi leaned across Viv to address Kate. “While we were waiting for the Kumiyama delivery guy, Viv was wondering why you’ve come down with such a tragic case of resting bitch face. I wanted your approval before I told her.” She shoved a salmon-avocado roll into her mouth. “Notice how much better I’m getting at keeping my mouth shut?”
“Yes. I’ve noticed. Now try it while you’re eating.” Kate flicked away an errant grain of rice that landed on her leg as Didi was talking.
“So can I tell her?” Didi asked.
Kate turned directly to Viv, seated between them. “It’s Didi’s fault.”
“Yeah, right,” Didi snapped. “I do my job consulting with our website designer, and because her court case gets postponed, I’m the villain.”
“Simmer down, bitches,” Viv said. “This ain’t the Newlywed Game.” She licked soy sauce off her fingers. “Kate, you can’t be coming down on my girl Didi because you’re miserable over Jordan. Remember, you left her, not the other way around. Either you go and win back that sexy mama you tossed aside, or you gotta own your actions and move on.”
Kate bent forward and addressed Didi. “Is this really happening? She’s the wise one now?”
“After what I’ve witnessed from you lately, she’s got my vote.” Didi sat back in her seat and resumed eating.
Kate closed her eyes as a conflation of anger, angst, and generalized disgust boiled within. She gulped her beer and picked through h
er container of sushi, unmoved as the surrounding crowd shot up around her like time-lapse footage of growing grass blades when the Yankees scored their first run.
“How’s Rhea,” Viv asked Didi after the crowd settled down.
Kate whipped her head toward Didi, who suddenly looked as though a line drive was screaming toward her face.
“Rhea? She’s history, isn’t she?” Kate asked.
Viv and Didi glanced helplessly at each other.
“What is going on today?” Kate said in disbelief. “Did we all get off at a subway stop in the twilight zone?”
“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you, Kate,” Didi spat. “The mother superior at my junior high school would’ve been less judgmental about the news.”
“You’re seeing her again?”
Didi puffed up her chest and nodded with confidence.
“So now you’re willfully involved with a married, bisexual woman?” Kate said. “Please tell me this is some sort of social experiment that you fully anticipate will turn out badly, because no way in hell will I know how to console you when she destroys your hope of ever finding romantic happiness. Even Freud couldn’t.”
When the Yankees scored again, the delirious fans rose around all three of them, who sat eerily resembling the three “no evil” monkeys.
When the crowd settled again, Kate patted Didi’s knee. “Thank you. Just…thank you.”
“For what?” Didi said.
Kate only tapped her leg again with deepening appreciation.
Viv studied Kate’s demeanor for a moment, then translated. “She’s expressing her gratitude to you for outdoing her in the dumbass-life-decision department.”
“How do you know?” Kate and Didi asked in unison.
Viv smiled with pride. “Maia and I learned about picking up on our partner’s nonverbal cues in therapy this week.”
“Who knew you were such a good student,” Kate said.
“If Dr. Feldman was here now, she’d take one look at your tense, wound-up ass and ask when you’re going to admit to yourself that you want Jordan back.”
“Never,” Kate said. “Yes, I miss her like crazy, but I think it’s safe to say she’s no longer a fan.”
Summer Fling Page 23