by Edie Bryant
I couldn’t believe what a rollercoaster this last week had been. At the start of it, I had been engaged to be married to a man who I hadn't had much passion for while fantasizing about the only person I ever had had passion for, Sara.
Then I’d ended my engagement, thought about Sara more, come to the conclusion that I’d never actually run into her again, actually realized I had run into her again, believed that she thought me of as an asshole and then found out she’d actually had feelings for me all these years the same way I had with her.
I’d thought all that was more than enough drama for a week… hell, it’d be enough drama for a year. Then, I’d finally taken her out to dinner, and we’d run into my ex’s best friend’s fiancée, Taylor.
I’d known that Brandon would already have told his family and close friends about the engagement, but I hadn’t think I’d have to deal with talking to anybody about it for a while. I hadn’t thought I’d run into anyone we both knew for a long time.
But, of course that had just been wishful thinking, apparently. Ugh, and if I’d had to run into someone we both knew, why had it had to be in front of Sara?
I didn’t even want to know what she thought of me right now. It couldn’t be good.
To be honest, what I was of myself right now wasn’t too good, either. Taylor had been right. I was humiliated by what she’d said, but she’d been right. I was a fucking asshole.
But what was I supposed to do? Make myself feel passionately in love with Brandon? I mean, I just wasn’t! And I didn’t know how the hell to fake that. And I shouldn’t have faked it even if I did know how, right?
Because, at the end of the day, I was never going to be the right one for Brandon. He deserved someone who loved him deeply, and that wasn’t going to be me. I regretted all the time I’d wasted not realizing that sooner. I certainly regretted accepting his proposal and getting his hopes up that this would be a lifelong relationship.
But I couldn’t regret ending it in general. It wasn’t right, our relationship was never going to have been right. And one day, he would be glad it ended between us. He was a smart, funny, handsome guy who would have no problem finding someone else. In the meantime, though, I felt terrible that he was hurting.
Sara suggested a park just down the street, so I followed her in my car, and we were there in just a few minutes. As bad as things had gotten in the restaurant, and as much as I wished it had not gone down that way, I was actually happy that we ended up at the park.
It was absolutely beautiful. We got there at the exact right time. The sun was only barely starting to set, so we had more than enough time to eat, but there was this nice orange glow beginning to shape up on the horizon. And a soft breeze hit us, the kind that only comes around dusk.
I had one of those weird déjà vu type moments. I’d seen a lot of sunsets, of course, but being in this orange glowy sunset with Sara brought back a memory for me.
It had been a Thursday evening when we had barely started dating, and Sara had asked if I’d wanted to hang out at the last minute. She had been planning on going to the movies with some friends, and she’d wanted to know if I could tag along.
The problem was, I’d been a very broke college student. I hadn’t had money for the movie theaters that weekend. I’d barely had money to eat that weekend. But I’d been embarrassed to say so.
So I’d tried to make up all the excuses I could, but Sara had been insistent. She’d really wanted to see me. We had still been in that honeymoon phase of our relationship when you couldn’t get enough of the other person.
I’d told her I’d had to study, and she’d said she’d come over late that night to help me with my schoolwork. I’d said I didn’t like scary movies, and she’d said she and I could watch our own movie then, while her friends had gone and seen whatever they’d wanted to see. Literally none of my excuses had worked with her.
So, I’d finally had to admit it. And because I’d been immature and insecure back, I’d done it in a very dramatic way.
“Look, I can’t fucking afford to go, okay?!” I’d finally snapped with her on the phone. “Happy? I just can’t fucking do it.”
She had been stunned by my snapping at her this way and had been quiet on the other end of the phone, making me feel awful about my outburst.
I’d sighed. “Look, just go have fun with your friends. I’ll see you tomorrow at some point, okay?”
“Sure, no problem,” she’d agreed, and then we’d gotten off the phone.
That’s what I’d been expecting, too, to see her the next day. But she surprised me an hour later by showing up at my dorm room with a grin on her face.
“What are you doing here?” I asked in surprise as I answered the door. “Shouldn’t you be at the theater?”
“I decided against it. I thought of something free you and I could do, and it’s way better than any movie. Come on.” She extended her hand and, with a smile, I’d taken it.
I remembered thinking then what a sweetheart she was. I’d had an outburst to her about being broke, and, instead of getting mad or going off to do what she really wanted, she’d come to me and made it so we could actually spend time together instead.
And she’d been totally right. What she’d wanted to do had been way better than a movie.
I guess when she’d first gotten to our campus, she’d done a lot of exploring. Our college had been on the very edge of town, leading to a rural area, and she liked to take a lot of long walks into the country. That’s where she had taken me.
It sounds boring, but it hadn’t been at all. It had been very, incredibly peaceful. Just as the sun had been setting at its peak, we had reached this beautiful, golden wheat field and gotten lost in the beauty of it all.
I’d looked at Sara during all this and smiled.
She’d looked over at me. “What is it?”
“Nothing, I just… I really like you,” I’d told her as I leaned in for a kiss.
She’d given me one, our lips lingering on one another's for a second, and then she’d pulled away.
“I really like you, too,” she’d whispered back.
We’d continued to walk along until nightfall, and that night had been the first night we’d made love to one another. Actually, it was the first time I’d made love to anyone. And it had been beautiful.
I’d always looked back on that evening as one of the best ones of my life. And now I felt like, in a small way, I was reliving it. And, despite everything, in this moment, I was incredibly happy.
As we took our seats at a nearby picnic table, I took the initiative and talked first.
“Look, I'm really sorry about that,” I told her as I opened up my styrofoam box to start eating. “That’s not exactly how I wanted our first dinner together to go.”
“Me, either,” she laughed awkwardly. “So, Taylor is… intense,” she said with a chuckle.
“Uh, yeah, well, to be fair, I’d never seen her quite like that before. Her fiancé is Brandon’s best friend, so I think our break-up has really gotten her riled up.”
“Apparently…” She nodded and then quickly added, “Don’t feel like you need to explain anything to me. You don’t owe me that. That’s not what we came to talk about.”
“But I do, though,” I told her. “I mean, you just watched me get screamed at by a girl in an Italian restaurant. I owe you some kind of explanation. Or, at least, I want to give you one.”
“Well, okay… only if you want to.”
“I do.” I took in a deep breath before beginning. “So, me and my ex-fiancé Brandon dated for a few years. We met, we dated, and, a few months ago, he proposed. And I loved him, I really did. But, just… I don’t know. I loved him because he was smart and funny, and, on paper, he should have been perfect for me. But, in reality, it wasn’t exactly a very passionate love.”
“You never felt like you were in love with him?” she asked, searching for clarification.
“That’s exactly it. It was love like you would love a best f
riend. And he was my best friend for many years. And because he was such a great man, I went through the motions. And that was a mistake, because obviously you shouldn’t accept someone’s proposal if you aren’t head-over-heels, but, what can I say? I got stuck in a rut. I kind of convinced myself that this was how I was always going to feel. Like, passionate love just wasn’t in the cards for me and never would be. Because that’s not really something I’ve experienced in my life so far…”
Her face contorted, like I’d said something wrong.
“What is it?” I asked.
And suddenly I realized.
“Oh, no, what I meant was I haven’t felt that kind of passionate love… since you.”
Her face was immediately filled with relief. “Oh!”
“Yeah…” I said awkwardly, “and, for a long time, I told myself that it was normal. That the only reason I’d felt that kind of passionate love with you was because you’d been my first love, and I’d been young. And I told myself my subsequent loves were never going to compare to that, and I shouldn’t go searching for it, but now…” I didn’t know how to articulate what I had to say next.
“Now what?” she pressed, barely touching her food. She was clearly engrossed in what I had to say.
“Now, I think maybe it’s not just that it was my first love. Now, I think maybe it’s just… you. Because seeing you here again just… wow. I don’t know what to say. I’m still wowed by you. Even after all these years.”
A blush came to her cheeks. “Honestly, I’ve felt the same way… even after all these years, my mind seems to drift back to you. And only you.”
I could feel butterflies rise in my stomach at hearing that.
“Look, I know we had a rocky relationship back then. And I don’t by any means expect that we’re just going to get back together and somehow start where we left off. But, if you’re at all still interested in me, then, you know, I’d really like to explore that. I’d like to get to know you more. I really still like you.”
“I absolutely want to explore that, too,” she agreed wholeheartedly. “I feel the exact same way. I mean, we definitely should take things slowly. Because obviously you’re recently getting out of a relationship, and we’ve had our issues in the past…”
“Right, of course. But I do want to say that I think I’m mostly over those issues. I’m not flawless or anything, of course, but the things that drove me away from you have mostly subsided. I’m not the same insecure, immature young woman I once was. I’ve grown from that. Jealousy has yet to be an issue in any of my last few relationships, and I don’t think it will be again.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” she said as she reached over the table to grab my hand.
It all felt so perfect. I had to wonder if this was some kind of dream, and I was going to wake up any moment and realize this wasn’t real. Because it really, truly had been all I’d dreamed about for several years.
What were the chances? Not only that I’d run into Sara again, but that, when I did, she’d also been thinking of me all these years? Did that happen? Was the soul mates thing actually true?
“I know how stupid it sounds, but this all feels like fate,” I told her. “My life hasn’t always been easy, and the deterioration of my engagement was really making me start to wonder where I’d gone wrong in life, to be in my late twenties and still be completely alone. But now I feel like all the bad I’ve been experiencing lately has brought me somewhere. Like everything in my life was leading up to this, seeing you again, so that we could do this thing right.”
She grinned. “Like, I’m not a very superstitious person or anything, and I’d never thought I believed in soul mates. But I’ve been feeling like that, too! And it’s weird, because if you’d asked me a week ago, I’d totally deny that I believed in fate or destiny. And now it seems like destiny is taking charge of my life.”
We finished up our food pretty quickly, as the sun was going down fast. And, with every bite, I was dreading our meeting ending. I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to continue to talk to her, I wanted to keep hanging out, being apart from her right now sounded miserable.
So, even though it seemed like I was rushing things, even though we’d agreed to take things slow, I took a risk and asked her, “Would you want to maybe come hang out with me at my place?”
She smiled. “I’d love to.”
8
Sara
A few hours ago, I’d found driving behind Lauren’s car incredibly stressful and nerve-wracking. Now, as I drove behind her to go back to her house, my feelings were the exact opposite. I was filled with excitement.
I guess there was some nervousness mixed in there, too, but it was a good nervousness. It was a nervousness that led to butterflies in my stomach.
I wasn’t going to pretend I wasn’t still pretty unsure about all this. It’d been a rocky relationship we’d once had, and obviously, Lauren’s life was still rocky in a lot of ways. There was a lot that could go wrong.
And I wasn’t exactly supposed to be doing this relationship thing. I was supposed to be figuring things out for myself, learning about who I was as a person, making decisions about my life.
I was still committed to that, though. I didn’t believe that dating Lauren would necessarily derail me from growing within myself. I wouldn't let it.
Besides, even so, I didn’t want to let this go. I’d spent all of my adult life fantasizing about this girl, hoping that we would once again find our way back to each other, and now we had. What if this really was fate? What if it was my last chance to be with the woman I was supposed to be with, and I shrugged that off because… why? Because I’d decided for myself I was supposed to be single? No, not doing that. I wouldn’t ever take the risk of losing her again.
If I tried it, and it didn’t work out, fine. Then maybe it wasn’t meant to be. But the last thing I was going to do was not even try.
I couldn’t wait to get back to her place. Now that all the awkwardness had disappeared, all I wanted to do was spend as much time with her as I possibly could in every way I could.
When we pulled up to the house, we both got out of the car with grins on our faces. I knew she was thinking the same thing I was. Neither of us could wait to spend more time together. And, if I was being honest, I did have hopes that something more intimate would happen. And i'm guessing she did, too.
“Sorry if it’s a little messy,” Lauren said as we walked up to her door. “As you can imagine, it’s been a very chaotic few days, so.”
“No, not a problem at all. I’m sure you remember, I’m not really all that clean myself.”
She chuckled. “Right, of course.”
When we stepped inside, my hopes of a relaxing, calm night were quickly dashed.
Because, inside of her living room, a person was sitting on her couch. And I could guess who he was.
“Brandon, what are you—”
“I got a call from Jake, and he told me about you and Taylor… I didn’t believe it at first. I didn’t think she could be right. I didn’t think you’d move on so fast, but apparently…. apparently I was wrong.”
“Brandon… but you said you were going to send someone for all your things.”
“I decided to get them now. If you’re going to have a stranger in what was once my home, then I thought I’d get my things out first. I don’t know if I can trust your new gal pal.” He gave me a disgusted look.
“Uh… maybe I should go…” I said nervously.
“No! Stay!” Brandon said quickly. “Don’t worry, I’ve already packed my things. I’ll be out of your hair in just a moment. I just had to ask Lauren something real quickly.”
She looked to the floor. “Yes?”
“I need to know… was this an affair? Were you cheating on me?”
“No!” she said immediately. “Of course not! There’s no way I would have done that to you!”
“Really? Because it would all make a lot of sense. With the way you are moving on s
o quickly. And how you’ve been so distant from me lately…”
“Brandon, I know it looks bad, but I swear I wasn’t having an affair. I would never have cheated on you, believe me.”
“Then how can you be moving on so fast?! How can you already have feelings for someone you’ve just met if you weren’t already seeing them?!”
“I didn’t just meet her,” Lauren defended. “I’ve known her a long time, it’s just that I haven’t talked to her in a while, and, I swear, we just happened to run into each other again.”
Brandon’s eyes suddenly filled with a sudden realization. “Oh my god… it’s her, isn’t it?” He stared at Lauren, tears welling in his eyes.
“Who?” she asked, seeming completely confused.
He turned to me now. “You’re Sara, aren’t you?”
I was completely taken aback. How did he even know my name, let alone figure out that it was me standing in front of him?
“Uh, yes, I am.”
He looked back to Lauren. “Well, that makes sense, then, doesn’t it?”
“What are you talking about, Brandon?” Lauren asked.
“I mean, you’ve reconnected with Sara. The one person I always worried would replace me one day. The one person I always knew you were thinking about when you were with me.”
Lauren didn’t seem to get it, though he seemed to be speaking very plainly to me.
“But how could you think that? I mean, I never said anything to hint at the fact that I still had feelings for her. I barely mentioned her.”
“Barely mentioned her?!” he asked, letting out a sarcastic laugh. “Is that what you think? Whenever you had an old memory, you wanted to tell me about, it was filled with Sara. Each time you talked about your past, you were always talking about Sara. It was so obvious to me that you, at least at one time, had more feelings for her than you’d had for me. And, yeah, I’ll openly admit it… I was jealous of her for a long time. To think, I felt like I was competing with a memory for your affection. And now she’s not just a memory. Now she’s a living, breathing person standing right in front of me.”