by Jean Oram
“Which time?”
“She dated him more than once?”
John nodded.
Why would they get back together? Because Gloria was pregnant and she thought Philip might be the father? Or she was pregnant by someone else and Philip thought he’d try to help, but then bailed? Or he’d found out after they were back together that the baby wasn’t his?
So many questions. One big secret.
“The time my mom got pregnant with me.” Amber gripped her cup of coffee so hard she feared she was going to break the handle. “Who did she date before Philip Powers?”
“Me.”
* * *
Amber had hightailed it out of John’s office, just about getting run over crossing the street, she’d been moving so fast, completely freaked out by John’s revelation.
He was her father?
There was no way.
No. Way.
In terms of dads, he was well out of her league. He was steady, strong, smart, confident, and more.
Then again, he’d been divorced twice, and it wasn’t as though she was faring particularly well in the dating world. However, she could already lay the blame for that on her mother’s side of the family.
But a man like him still couldn’t be her dad. He’d practically received Father of the Year for the way he’d raised his daughter, Marisa, as well as half the kids in the community. Men like that didn’t beget children like Amber, who could barely keep her life together and dated all the wrong guys, hoping against hope that things would lead to a happily ever after.
That moment in John’s office though… she hadn’t known what to do other than panic and flee. But back in the safety of her house she realized she had to be mistaken. As in way wrong. She’d completely misinterpreted what he’d said. He’d dated her mother before she’d hooked up with Philip. Big deal. Amber remembered someone mentioning that ages ago. Gloria had also dated Mandy’s uncle and nobody thought he was Amber’s father.
If John was, people in town would have known. She would know. There had to be a mystery man. A mysterious figure John must know something about if he was bringing up the subject. And she’d blown it by running out.
The poor man was probably sitting in his office right now wondering what had scared her off, or else was trying to correlate Amber’s birthday with the last time he’d been with Gloria.
Thank goodness Amber hadn’t said anything. That would have been embarrassing.
She puttered around the house, having managed to stumble her way through her conference call despite her distraction.
Someone knocked on the front door, and she peered out the upstairs window as her mom called out, “Anyone home?”
“Up here!” Amber scrambled down the stairs to greet her. They hadn’t talked since the sister revelation. She hoped her mother had come to say they should look for her.
“I heard you talked to John today,” Gloria said with no preamble.
“I did.” Amber smoothed her shirt. “Russell didn’t have insurance and wants me to pay for his trailer.”
Her mother picked a USB cable off the kitchen counter, coiled it, and set it down, moving on to straighten and tidy other objects Amber had left out.
“He said he may have upset you while talking about your father.”
“He said you two dated.”
“We did. You knew that.”
“I’d forgotten.”
“What else did he say?”
“About my dad?” There was something off about her mother’s behavior, and Amber wondered once again how much John knew. “Nothing.”
Gloria watched her carefully. Then, seemingly satisfied, she gave a short nod, her shoulders relaxing.
Yep. John definitely knew something.
“Can you tell me something about my dad? I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
“Amber, it’s complicated.” Her mother was using her exasperated voice.
“I know.”
How could she convince Gloria it was safe to open up to her? So many secrets had been revealed, and yet nothing had come from any of them. Amber was no closer to understanding herself and no closer to resolving her past. Having the unknown just out of reach was driving her to distraction.
“Amber, you can’t… I never asked him to help.”
“Why not? Why didn’t he step up, anyway?”
“I didn’t ask him to because I was embarrassed. He’s successful. Wonderful. And I had gotten myself pregnant again and should have known better.”
They had sat down at the kitchen table and Amber cupped her hand over her mother’s in support. “It takes two to tango, Mom.”
She could tell that her father had seared a tattoo on her mother’s heart, and despite everything, she still carried a torch for him. How could that even be possible?
“He’s a family man now, just not my family man,” her mother said softly, and Amber could hear the sorrow and longing in her voice. She’d had cared enough to keep track of him.
But what kind of man went off to raise his own family and ignored Gloria’s? Sure, it happened to plenty of women, but still. This was her mother.
Wait. He was a family man. That meant Amber had half siblings.
In the period of a few days she had gone from an only child to having several siblings. It was a good thing she was sitting down already, otherwise she would probably have needed a chair.
As a teen she’d half wondered whether Philip had gone on to have more kids, but it hadn’t felt real. Not like this.
She was a sister several times over. And she had no clue who her siblings were or if they even knew of her existence. What if one of her friends was actually related to her?
No, couldn’t be. Her father wasn’t from town.
“He didn’t need some waitress coming to him about love children.”
“Wait!” Amber held up her hand, trying to guess the meaning of her mother’s words. “Wait. He doesn’t know?”
“Why would I come forward after all these years? I’m nothing special. Just a chubby, washed-up, middle-aged woman who never amounted to anything. I never even got out of this town to go see the world.”
See the world.
John had known her mother well. And he definitely knew more than Amber had realized.
“You’re an amazing woman and not just some waitress,” Amber said, trying to console her mom, wanting her to know that she thought the world of her. And yet her mind was still stuck on the idea that her father didn’t know who she was.
“You can memorize twenty-five orders. That’s more than just ‘some waitress’.” Amazed as a child at how her mother could balance loaded plates all the way up her arm, and cup three water glasses in the palm of one hand, Amber had brought all the kids she could find into Benny’s to show off her and her skills. Back then being a waitress had seemed glamorous, not a job for someone with no other options.
“Amber, you all ordered Orange Crush and French fries, except for Devon, who ordered root beer. It was hardly a challenge.”
“Oh.”
“That’s all nine-year-olds order if given a choice.” Gloria propped her head in her hands and Amber found herself echoing the pose.
“So, he doesn’t know who I am? That I exist?” she confirmed.
Her mother nodded sadly.
Amber was stunned. How could her father not have figured out that he had a child? He had to be an out-of-towner. Had to be.
She sat back, sorting through her feelings. Part of her felt relieved. She hadn’t been rejected by her dad, because if he didn’t know about her, he couldn’t reject her. It hadn’t even been a case of her mother not being enough to keep her man.
She felt buoyant and as though she had been freed. The knowledge opened up a whole new avenue of beliefs. Her father could be delighted to have her, and would welcome her into his arms and his family. He might claim her as his, as one of his clan.
“He tried to talk to me about it once and I implied that you weren’t
his.”
“But why?”
“He had his own family by then. A wife. A kid on the way. He was starting a business and didn’t need the conflict.”
“Conflict?” Was that what she was? A conflict to be avoided? An obligation best not undertaken? Amber was so insulted she wanted to leave, but it was her house.
“We’d been dating in secret.”
Not more secrets. Would they never end? She was getting so tired of secrets. So tired of being five steps behind her own life. Amber fought for patience, fought to keep her mouth shut so she didn’t ask her mom what she’d been thinking, dating a guy like that. When Amber found true love she wanted her man to be strong enough to tell everyone she was his. To claim her despite anyone else’s misgivings.
“His parents didn’t approve and thought he should marry someone else. So we started dating in secret, trying to sort out who we were without interference from his family. He was my one. I loved him like no other.”
Her mother fell silent.
“And?”
“I wanted him to know everything about me. I told him about your sister and we broke up.” Gloria paused and looked at Amber. “I can see what you’re thinking, and it wasn’t like that. It was my idea to keep it secret. He needed his family’s support for what he was doing, but in the end I wasn’t enough. What I’d done… I think it confirmed everything his family had been saying about me. But I had to be honest with him, Amber. I couldn’t keep it a secret. Not from him. I wanted to marry him. I just wish he could have… I wish we…” She grew silent again.
“He broke up with you because you wanted a better life for my sister? Didn’t he see what your mom and dad were like?” What kind of jerk would judge her mother for doing what she felt was best? The only person who had been hurt was Gloria. Amber wanted to meet this man and give him a good shake for not seeing that Amber’s grandmother, who had worked in a bingo parlor, and grandfather, who had packed up and left long before that, were hardly supportive parents. Gloria would have been a seventeen-year-old trying to raise a baby on her own. Even Amber could see that.
“He came from a different world, a different kind of family. He didn’t understand why I did what I did, and I felt so weak and selfish that I couldn’t stand up for myself and own it. I was devastated by his judgment. I had thought I’d made the right choice. We had a massive fight and out of spite I got back together with my ex.”
“Philip.”
Her mother nodded.
“But nobody knows who this man is, because you were dating in secret?”
She nodded again.
Amber thought back to what her mother had said about giving up her first child. “Do you regret putting my sister up for adoption?”
“It wouldn’t have been easy, keeping her, but I would have two wonderful daughters right now, wouldn’t I? I wouldn’t have the burden of all this.” Gloria’s voice was wobbling with indignant anger. “And maybe if I had kept her I could have shown him, shown the world, that I was more than just a woman who screwed up. I was a woman who persevered and…” She sighed deeply. “Oh, I don’t know. Just… something.”
They sat in silence for a moment.
This was Amber’s opening. Her chance to tell her mom that she had begun the search for her sister. Her heart thundered in her chest. She had a temporary secret from her mother, but was terrified to reveal it.
“Do you want to meet her?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Gloria rubbed her eyes with the tips of her fingers. “I don’t know, Amber. I don’t think I could handle it if she was mad at me. It was such a big sacrifice—for both of us. She might not understand my decision.”
“You wanted the best life for my sister and you made the appropriate arrangements in order to ensure it. Nobody can fault that. Nobody worthy of your time, anyway.”
Her mother gave her a sad smile, gently patting her cheek. “I’m tired. I’m going to head home and call it a night. I’m sorry I’ve kept so many secrets from you. I hope you’re not mad and that you can forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Amber said in surprise. “And I’m not mad. I’m just confused.” Torn up. Baffled by how things had progressed in her mother’s world, to the point where she felt too ashamed to tell the man she loved that he was a father. Amber wanted to understand, but felt a lot of anger at the injustice of his actions.
Her throat tightened as she thought about how her mother had felt forced to make such a heartbreaking choice alone—for a second time. What if Amber had been born first? What would her life have been like? She couldn’t imagine not having her mom, her rock, in her life.
“Why did you decide to keep me?” she asked.
“Oh, Amber.” Her mother’s eyes filled with tears. “There is no way I could have made that same decision a second time.” She held both of Amber’s hands in her own. “I’m stronger now than I was then, and it’s not fair of me to think I’d do anything differently if I went back in time, but I still do. Learn from my mistakes, Amber. Believe you’re enough woman for Scott. He loves you and sometimes love is enough. Trust your heart.”
Amber rolled her eyes. One silly novel and everyone suddenly thought she was in love with her best friend, Sir Studly. Sure, he was a great man who would make a wonderful boyfriend or husband, but that didn’t mean she was secretly wishing she could be his.
“Scott may still be harboring a crush from when we were kids, but it’s nothing real. He would never love me in the way I would want him to. If, in theory, I decided to fall in love with him.”
“Deciding who to fall in love with is like deciding where and when lightning is going to strike. You don’t get to choose those things. Scott loves you just the way you are—goofy and quicker to act than think—and he always has. You just need to believe that you’re enough for him.”
“Mom…” Amber warned.
“You know what?” Gloria perked up suddenly. “That’s good advice. What about me? Isn’t it my time? Shouldn’t I start believing in myself, too?”
Okay, now her mother was taking a dive off the deep end without a life jacket.
“I think it’s high time I became the woman I always wanted to be.”
“What does that mean?” Amber asked.
“I’ll call you!” she said, hurrying to the door.
“About what?
Gloria continued on.
“Are you going to tell my dad about me?” Amber asked hopefully.
Her mom popped her head back into the room. “Ha, ha. No.”
“Then what?”
“I have to see how much money I have in my tip jar.”
Great. Her mother was going to skip town, and now Amber would never learn the truth about anything.
Chapter Four
Amber sat in Brew Babies, twirling a vodka shot the bartender, Moe, had placed in front of her when she’d sat down. She couldn’t help but think how alike she and her mother seemed to be when it came to screwing up their lives around men. How had her mom’s life come to this? All those secrets and regrets. Was Amber’s life going to devolve into that, too?
“Not going to drink?” Moe asked.
She didn’t mind a shot here or there, but today her mind was already a mess and she was afraid of what she might say if vodka loosened her tongue.
“Maybe not today.” She passed the shot over to Moe, who shrugged and knocked it back himself.
“No point wasting it,” he said.
“Do you have any chocolate?” she asked.
“Chocolate martini.”
Amber considered it. Alcohol had been unfriended for the moment. “I was thinking chocolate drops. Didn’t you have some in wineglasses the other week?”
“It was part of Mandy’s engagement party. Katie decorated for us.”
“Oh, right.” Her friend had decided to give up nursing and go into interior decorating. She came home every once in awhile to add flourishes to people’s events. “Any leftovers?�
�
Moe smiled and pulled a coffee cup from under the bar, setting it in front of her. She peeked over the rim and saw two chocolate drops in need of rescue.
“Thank you.”
He continued down the bar, serving up several pints of the pub’s home brews.
Amber sat thinking as the first chocolate drop melted in her mouth. She was already feeling more human, her mind settling down to a gentle hum instead of three different heavy metal radio stations playing at once.
Moe returned a moment later. “Are you applying for Amy’s job? I’ll put a good word in for you.”
“I have a job.” Amy, the pub’s main waitress, was a rolling stone who had come back to waitressing time and again, even after trying other careers. Amber didn’t doubt that the woman would go back to waitressing again in six months to a year—after her latest adventure. It was as though once you served a burger in Blueberry Springs you became a lifer and couldn’t give it up. Look at her mom, and even Mandy, who’d opened her own restaurant but still served customers just like when she’d been a waitress. Only now she was a boss.
“I heard you lost your job.”
“I didn’t lose my job!”
“Oh.”
“And even if I had, there are other things I could do besides waitressing.”
“I guess I just thought because your mom does it, you would, too.”
“We’re different people.” Amber stood, gathering her purse. They were different people, right? She wasn’t going to follow in her mother’s footsteps. She was going to find love. She was going to have a family. A big one. All together. With no secrets other than what they’d bought each other for Christmas.
“It didn’t mean anything by it. You’ve just got a great way with people, an excellent memory. You’d make great tips, like your mom.”
“Right. Of course.” Amber gave a smile and wove her way between tables, heading toward the large doors that would spit her out onto the sidewalk. But when she saw Mandy with an empty chair beside her, she plopped down before realizing her friend was actually in the middle of what looked to be a business meeting. The woman with her was done up to the hilt, and dripping in jewelry as though she was a tree in a rainforest, covered in hanging moss.