“You’re sweet to say that.”
“But you don’t believe me?”
It pissed him off that “regular” people had the mistaken impression that celebrities were so much more important than they were. He’d rubbed shoulders with plenty of actors and athletes over the years, as well as countless musicians from all genres, and they didn’t impress him nearly as much as they impressed themselves.
“I’m just a regular guy, babe.” He cupped her cheek, raising her eyes to meet his. “You, of all people, should know that.”
“Most days it’s easy to forget who you are.” She bit her lip as her eyes locked with his. “I mean, most of the time I just think of you as Ramsey and Keegan’s dad, but—”
“That’s not how I want you to think of me.” He let his hand fall, pressing her body to the door with his. “I want you to think of me as yours.” He felt a surge of relief when she smiled against his lips. “All yours, Gi.”
“I wanted that,” she whispered, threading her hands through his hair. “For you to be all mine, more than anything, but I always felt I had to share you. Every time we made love, your phone would ring and I knew you’d be distracted, wondering who it was.”
He hated that he’d been stupid enough to let anything distract him from her. He slipped his phone out of his shirt pocket and turned it off. “Problem solved. I’m all yours.”
“But for how long?” Her eyes fell before she finally looked up at him. “How long can you promise you’ll be mine before you have to leave again, Gunnar?”
It was a legitimate question. One he didn’t feel he could answer yet. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t have a million things to deal with back in L.A. before he could make any definitive plans for the future.
“One thing I can promise you,” he said, slipping the strap of her sundress off her shoulder as he kissed her soft, delicately scented skin. “No matter where I am in this world, you’ll be on my mind.” He knew it was a small consolation, but it was the only thing he could give her right now. “There hasn’t been anyone else for me since you left and there won’t be. If I can’t have you I sure as hell don’t want a poor substitute.”
She gasped, searching his eyes for some indication he was lying. “You’re not saying you haven’t…”
“I haven’t slept with anyone else since you left.” He didn’t know why she was so surprised. She’d been the only woman he’d wanted to sleep with since he laid eyes on her. “Why? Have you been with anyone else?” When she was silent for a beat, he thought he was going to be sick. He got that they’d been separated and she had the right to do anything—or anyone—she wanted, but it would kill him to know she’d been with someone else.
“No, of course not.” She smiled. “So, you can breathe now.” She shoved against his shoulder, making her strap slip farther down to reveal an ice-blue strapless lacy bra. “I can’t believe you thought I’d just hop into bed with the first man who showed me any attention.”
“Living with me for so long you must have been craving attention.” He winced when she didn’t argue his point. “I was that bad, huh?”
“You were just caught up in your own little world,” she said, raising her chin. “Or at least that’s the way it seemed to me most of the time.”
“Why’d you stay with me so long?” he asked, needing to know. “If I was such an ass, which I know I was, why not leave me years ago? Tell me you didn’t stay just for the sake of the kids?”
“I stayed because I loved you,” she said, toying with the buttons on his shirt. “And I wanted to build a life with you. I wanted us to be a family, a real family, and I knew I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t give it everything I had.”
“I’m so sorry.” He knew it wasn’t enough, but he hoped it was a start. “I need you to forgive me, to learn to trust me again. I know that can’t happen overnight, but maybe someday?” He needed to hear her say the words, to give him hope. “Please.”
“I forgave you a long time ago, Gunnar. I had to. I had to forgive myself too because Lord knows I wasn’t perfect during our relationship. I made plenty of mistakes too.”
He appreciated her willingness to accept part of the blame when he felt like he deserved all of it, but she didn’t answer his other question. “You think you can learn to trust me again?” He couldn’t believe he’d taken the most precious thing in the world, her faith in him, for granted.
She blew out a shaky breath. “I want to, but I’m so scared.”
He crushed her against his chest, needing her to feel how tightly wound he was, to get some sense of how much it meant to him to regain her trust. “I’m scared too, baby. Scared to death of losing you again, but I’m willing to lay it all on the line this time. To be completely honest and vulnerable, to try and change, if it means you’ll give me another chance?”
“I want you,” she whispered. “In. Every. Way.”
Chapter Ten
Gianna held her breath as she watched Gunnar strip her dress off. He let it puddle on the floor at her feet before she kicked it out of the way.
She’d dressed for the occasion, with a pale blue strapless bra and matching panties.
“You’re incredible,” he whispered as his lips danced across her collarbone and the slope of her shoulder. “I feel like the luckiest man in the world to be with you like this again.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck, relishing the feel of his hard muscles leaving their imprint on her soft curves. “Take me upstairs.”
Without hesitation, he scooped her up, kissing her as he made his way to the foot of the stairs.
“Put me down. I can walk,” she laughed, grabbing the banister.
“I’m not letting you go.” His eyes trailed over her body, making her feel deliciously exposed. “Ever. Again.”
She wanted to ask for that promise in writing, but feared it would trigger one of their old arguments about the archaic ritual of marriage. A little voice in her head reminded her that he’d changed, that he didn’t feel that way anymore. But it was closely followed by another voice chastising her for believing people could change. She wanted to believe it was possible, that he was suddenly the person he portrayed himself to be, but she was afraid that as quickly as he’d has his epiphany he could have another… that would lead him right back to L.A. and his old life.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered, pausing at the top of the stairs. “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”
For a man who didn’t seem to be paying attention during their relationship, he certainly was skilled at reading her moods. “No.” Because even though she couldn’t read the future, she knew she needed this one night with him. Whether it would represent closure or the start of a new future, she had no idea. She just knew her craving for him was too strong to ignore.
He carried her to her four-poster, queen-size bed and gently deposited her in the middle before he kicked off his jeans, followed by his T-shirt.
Her mouth watered at the sight, not because it had been so long that she’d been with a man, though it had. But because it had been so long since she’d been with this man. The one who fueled every sexual fantasy she’d ever had in her life. Even after she left him, his was still the face that popped into her head late at night when she was under the covers… feeling restless.
“I need you.” His voice sounded raspy and raw, as though it cost him more than it should to get the words out.
But she wasn’t surprised they’d come at a price. To her knowledge, he’d never uttered them before. “I need you too,” she said, reaching for him.
Instead of climbing on top of her as she expected, he laid down beside her, curling his arm around her head while he sifted through her hair with his fingers. “Not just in bed. I need you in my life. As my partner. My rock, Gi.”
She couldn’t commit to anything yet. It was too soon. Nothing had been decided. And if he asked her to go back to L.A., she didn’t know if she could. Not even for him. Her time in Vista Falls
just punctuated the point. Life in L.A. was not for her.
“You’re still not sure, are you?” he asked, his eyes darkening. “You need more time to figure things out?”
She curled her arm around his bicep. “We need more time to figure things out, Gunnar. I know you have to go back, to talk to your band, your label, and your team. What I don’t know is whether you’ll be coming back to me.”
He drew a breath, blowing it out slowly. “I wanted to tell you there’s no question I’ll be back.”
“But you can’t,” she said gently, understanding he was in an impossible situation. His heart was here, with her and the girls. But the career and life he’d spent decades building was a thousand miles away. “I know. I’m not asking you for any guarantees.”
“And you can’t give me any?” he asked, sounding despondent.
“I wish I could.” She turned his face toward her, forcing him to look at her. “I love you, but I love this place too. L.A. was your home, not mine. I tried to make it work there. I tried to be happy, I really did.”
“But you weren’t?”
She shook her head, feeling guilty. “No, I wasn’t. I’m sorry if—”
“Don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize for the way you feel.” He stared at something over her shoulder. “Damn it, Gi. So what does this mean for us? Where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know.” Her hand skated over his rib cage and she felt his abdominal muscles tense as her hand ventured lower. “What I do know is we have tonight and we’re wasting it talking about things we can’t change.”
“So, you’re saying one night will be enough for you?” His expression was pained as he looked down at her. “If it ends here, you’ll really be okay with that?”
“Honestly?” He deserved complete transparency since he’d given her the same. “No. I’ll be heartbroken. But if you have to go back to L.A. for good, I’ll be devastated whether we make love tonight or not. So I’d rather enjoy tonight and put off worrying about tomorrow until tomorrow. If that’s okay with you?”
He stared at her for a full six beats before he kissed her with the force and passion of a man who’d been denied too long. He took what he wanted, making her want it too… more with every passing second.
By the time he let her up for air, her entire body hummed with repressed sexual energy, demanding an outlet. “Make love to me, Gunnar.” She almost tripped over the word, knowing it was the same word that had driven a wedge between them in the past.
Her reluctance must have been evident, because his hands mapped her body while he whispered, “I love you so much. Don’t ever doubt that again.”
Hot tears pricked her eyes as she closed them, reveling in the words she’d waited to hear him say. He’d said them a time or two since he’d been in Vista Falls, but it was different this time. It was more intimate. He was more vulnerable. “I love you too.”
“I’m sorry.” He swept his lips across hers. “Sorry it took me so damn long to say it, to find the courage to tell you how I felt. Just know I always knew I loved you, Gi. I just couldn’t—”
“Don’t apologize,” she said, smiling up into his handsome face. “Don’t explain. You said it now. And this is what I want to focus on. The here and now.”
***
Gunnar felt like he was in a dream, one he never wanted to wake up from. The woman he loved was lying beneath him, telling him she loved him, responding to his touch like she’d never get enough.
He made love to her slowly, savoring every second, knowing damn well it could be their last. He tried to put it out of his mind, to convince himself they’d find a way to work it out, so they could have all they wanted. But he knew that was unlikely. Someone or something would have to give. And he didn’t want it to be her. She’d already sacrificed too much to be with him.
Her reaction resonated through his body, every soft sigh filling him with pleasure. Her body tensed and so did his. She cried out in pleasure and his body responded in kind, enhancing his satisfaction.
He watched her freefall, giving in to her release as she cried out his name.
He slowed, cradling her head between his arms. “There are no words.” For a man who made his living conveying emotion through his songs, he couldn’t believe words failed him when he needed them most.
“We don’t need words,” she said, her eyes sparkling as she kissed him. “This is all we need tonight.”
Her body clenched his, making it impossible for him to think, much less speak. He followed her lead, surrendering to the fulfilment he’d only been able to find in her arms, in her body. In bed with her, when the lights were out and hers were the only eyes on him, was the only time he’d ever felt safe and free to be himself.
He wasn’t “Gunnar Williams the singer” to her. He was just the man she loved and he loved her even more for being able to make the distinction.
He tried so hard to hold on, to silently plead with his body to give him another second, another minute, just a little longer to prolong this contact high, but it was over, and as he came back down, he felt the loss acutely. Like maybe he’d just made love to his girl for the very last time.
“What’s wrong?” she asked when he rolled over. “Are you okay?” She rested her hand on his bicep, peering over his shoulder as he gave her his back.
“I just need a minute, baby.” His breathing was labored, but not from exertion. The shortness of breath stemmed from pure panic. The only time he’d felt anything similar was when he came home to find their closets empty.
“Oh, okay.” She sounded disappointed as she rolled out of bed. “Maybe I’ll just go downstairs and get us some water.”
“Sure, thanks.” He knew he was an idiot for not pulling her into his arms and milking every last second of happiness he could from their union, but it was too hard. The not knowing was killing him and he knew what he had to do. Man up and face the music.
When she returned a few seconds later and passed him a bottle of water, her eyes were darker, more guarded. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
He grabbed her wrist, and while she let him, he could practically feel the resentment in her body. “I need to figure some things out. It’s not fair to you that I go on staying here, with us getting closer every day and the future—”
“It’s okay, I understand.”
He knew she didn’t, but he didn’t know how to explain it without hurting her more. “Just know these past couple of weeks here with you and the girls have been the best, Gi. I’ve been happier than I have been in a really long time. And I don’t want to lose that. That’s why I have to go. To figure out how to make this work, because I do want this to work, sweetheart. More than anything.”
She sat on the edge of the bed, her pretty blue eyes filling with unshed tears that nearly did him in. “I want that too. But I know it may not.” She reached for his hands. “I went into this knowing that.” She looked at her side of the bed and sighed. “I have no regrets, and you have nothing to feel guilty for. I love that we made love tonight. No matter how things turn out, just know that you made me happy again.” She bent to kiss his cheek. “So, thank you for that.”
Chapter Eleven
Gunnar waited for the girls to come home so he could say good-bye to them in person. He’d rehearsed what he wanted to say, but as soon as they walked through the door, their smiles faded and he knew he wasn’t going to be able to hold it together.
He didn’t want to leave them again. It seemed that was all he’d been doing all of their lives, saying goodbye, promising to be back soon, vowing he’d miss them. When was it going to stop? When would he stop disappointing them?
“Hey, Dad,” Keegan said, dropping her backpack in the foyer. “What’s up?”
Trying to prolong the inevitable, he forced a smile. “You guys have fun at your sleepover?”
“Yeah, sure,” Ramsey said, shrugging. “What’d you guys do?”
Gunnar glanced at Gianna, who’d walked in behind the
m and tossed her keys on the console table. Her gaze danced around the room, refusing to land on him, which made the knot of tension in his gut tighten.
“Just hung out,” Gunnar said, clearing his throat. He rubbed his hands together. “So, uh, listen you two, I’ve got to go back to L.A. to take care of some business.”
Ramsey looked crestfallen as she said softly, “I thought this time would be different. I thought you were going to stay this time.”
“Baby,” he said, reaching for her hand to pull her closer, “it’s not that I don’t want to. Believe me, I love being here with you guys, but I can’t pretend I don’t have commitments back home. I have a band waiting on me, a tour to schedule and a record label expecting me to deliver an album soon. I can’t disappoint my fans.”
“What about us?” Keegan shouted. “You don’t care about disappointing us! Your fans mean more to you than we do! They always have.”
Gunnar jumped up when she started for the stairs. “Kee, that’s not true! Get back here so we can talk—”
“Let her go,” Gianna said, touching his back. “I’ll talk to her after you leave.”
“So, you’re okay with him leaving?” Ramsey asked, glaring at her mother. “You don’t want him to stay? Are you the reason he’s leaving? Did you ask him to?”
“Hey, don’t put this on your mother,” Gunnar said, feeling like he’d been sucker punched. He’d known his daughters would be upset, but he never expected this kind of backlash. “This is all on me.”
“Why?” Ramsey asked, the tears sliding down her cheeks. “I thought you were happy here. You said you were. Or was that just another one of your lies? Like telling us that you loved us, that we were the most important thing in the world to you.”
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