She didn’t know if she should be pissed or flattered that he finally seemed to care after years of indifference. “There’s nothing to tell. We’re friends, that’s all.”
“Oh yeah? Does he know that? Does he know we slept together?”
“Why would I tell him that?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Gunnar didn’t have a possessive bone in his body. And even if he did, she couldn’t believe he’d ever be jealous of someone like Billy. “My sex life is none of his business.”
“Maybe he needs to know that you’re taken.”
“Taken?” She felt heat flood her cheeks as she tried to tamp down her anger. “Taken? What the hell am I? Another one of your possessions? I’m off the market now that you’ve staked your claim?” She didn’t want to fight with him, but if they were ever to get back together, there was going to be some ground rules this time because she wasn’t putting up with anymore of his crap.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” He ran his hand through his collar-length hair as he sighed heavily. “I just want us to… I mean I want everyone to know that we’re…”
“That we’re what?” She wanted to hear him say they were a couple again. Then she could ask how he intended to make that happen with a thousand miles between them.
“Dammit, Gi. Why’re you making this so hard for me? You know I’m not good at expressing my feelings.”
“You know what I think?” She stared at the screen, waiting for him to look at her. “I think that’s a cop-out. Sure, your childhood sucked. I get that. But I think you use that as an excuse to avoid emotional attachments because they scare you. I scare you, what you feel for me scares you.”
“You’re right, it does.”
She expected him to laugh in her face, not agree with her. “You don’t think I was scared? I was in love with a man who was the object of every woman’s fantasies. You were on the road more than you were home, and you made it clear you didn’t want to marry me.”
“Was?”
“What?”
“You said you were in love with me. Past tense.”
She couldn’t believe he’d gleaned that one little word from her tirade. “You know what I mean.”
“No I don’t.” His eyes were pleading with her when he whispered, “I can’t do this unless I know for sure that you still love me.”
“Do what?”
“I can’t let myself…” He shook his head. “I just can’t.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“Have you been having second thoughts about us since I left?”
Second, third, and fourth, but she didn’t want to hurt him by admitting as much. “We both needed time to think, right? Isn’t that what your trip back to L.A. was all about?”
“So you need more time to decide whether I’m right for you?” He sounded incredulous when he asked, “Is that what you’re telling me?”
“I’m telling you we can’t rush into anything.” Though she had rushed back into bed with him, which she now acknowledged may have been a mistake. “We did that once before, remember? Within a week of meeting each other, we were inseparable. Within a few months I was pregnant.”
She must have winced when she said it because he asked, “You think I regret that? Getting you pregnant?”
She’d always wondered if they would have stayed together as long as they had if it hadn’t been for their children. “I don’t know how you feel, Gunnar. You always kept your feelings pretty close to the vest.”
“I am not having this conversation over the phone,” he said, looking irritated. “Just know that I don’t have a single regret about being a dad. And I wouldn’t want anyone else as the mother of my children.”
“Good to know.”
“What the hell?” he asked, his features softening. “How did we get back here? Suspicious. Questioning everything.”
“I don’t know.” But she did know. She’d always questioned her relationship with Gunnar when they were apart. She wasn’t proud of her insecurities, but this man always seemed to bring them out. “Maybe I wasn’t cut out for a relationship like this.” Which was the reason she’d moved to Vista Falls in the first place…. intent on finding someone normal.
“No. You don’t get to check out on me now. Not after all we’ve been through. Damn it, Gi. We made progress while I was there. I opened up to you in a way I never have before. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?”
She heard the desperation in his voice and it cut her to the quick. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t risk getting hurt again either. “It does. But—”
“No, no buts. You can’t feed me some bullshit line about how we’re not right for each other. ’Cause you’re the only thing in my life, aside from our kids, that does feel right to me.”
That was the difference between them. She’d finally managed to fit the pieces of her life together. She had a home she loved in a town she loved with a few new friends and a job she enjoyed. The only thing missing in her life was a man to love her and Gunnar taught her a long time ago how to live without that.
“You’re trying desperately to hold on to your past,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “Because you’re afraid of what the future holds. For the first time ever, you’re dissatisfied professionally and because your whole identity is wrapped up in what you do—”
“What the hell are you, a shrink now? You’re really going to sit there and try to psychoanalyze me?”
She knew he was angry. That was always his response when someone told him he couldn’t have something he wanted… not that it happened often. “No, I’m just a woman who knows you and is trying to help.”
“You want to help me? Tell me you’ll still be there, loving me, waiting for me, when I sort this shit out.”
Waiting for Gunnar was the story of her life. “I can’t make any promises and neither can you. How about we both just agree to do what we have to do to make ourselves happy? Maybe then we can figure out whether we’ll finally be able to make each other happy.”
Chapter Thirteen
Gunnar agonized over his conversation with Gianna the previous night. He’d tossed and turned thinking about it. He needed more from her. Why couldn’t she see that? He needed… a guarantee. The irony wasn’t lost on him. He was asking her for assurance, confirmation of her love for him, when she’d been asking him for the exact same thing all those years in the form of a wedding ring.
He was sitting in his manager’s office, waiting for him to finish up with a meeting in his boardroom. Gunner looked at all the photos lining the credenza. Pictures of Reg with his wife and four kids. Family vacations. Holidays. Parties. Somehow, in the midst of making a fortune and ensuring his clients did the same, he’d managed a real life… with a family who loved and respected him.
“Hey,” Reg said, walking into the room as he spread his arms when he spotted Gunnar. “There he is. I thought you’d bailed on me. What the hell? You don’t return my calls anymore?”
Gunnar shook his hand and they brought it in for a half hug. Reg was technically old enough to be his father and he’d served as the only paternal figure Gunnar had ever known. “I’m sorry about that. Just had to work some things out with Gi and the kids.”
“Say no more,” he said, raising his hands as he sat behind the desk. “Family first. No one knows that better than I do.”
“That’s why I’m here, Reg. I haven’t been putting my family first and I need to start.”
He paled beneath his perma-tan. “Why do I feel like I might need a drink for this conversation?” He jumped up, crossing the room to his kitchenette. “Can I get you something?”
“No, thanks.” He suspected his old friend was just trying to delay hearing his news. But he understood that. If he could hit rewind so he didn’t have to hear all the things Gianna said to him last night, he would have.
When Reg was seated behind his desk again, Gunnar said, “You know this hasn’t been
an easy year for me. Losing Gi and the kids really did a number on me. It made me rethink a lot of things in my life, namely my priorities.”
Reg gripped his crystal glass before taking a deep swallow of the amber liquid. “I feared this may be coming. I could tell your heart wasn’t in it these past months.”
Then Reg knew him better than he knew himself because Gunnar never thought it would come to this. “You figured it out a long time ago, man.” He gestured to the pictures behind Reg. “You knew family was the most important thing and you didn’t let anything, not even your work, get in the way of that. I didn’t realize it until it was too damn late.” His daughter’s words came back to haunt him as she accused him of never being there for them.
“It’s never too late to make things right, my friend.”
“I lost them, Reg,” Gunnar said, trying to make him understand. “Maybe for good. But even if they’re willing to give me another chance, how do I make up for all the years I wasn’t there?” He knew Gianna was reluctant to give him another chance because he’d let her down so many times. And he couldn’t blame her. He would have felt the same way in her position.
“You can’t make up for the past, son.” Reg’s smile was grim when he said, “We all make mistakes we have to live with, but we can’t let them define the rest of our lives.”
“I’m trying to figure out how to do right by them.” He stretched out, crossing his long legs in front of him. “One thing I do know, I can’t do it from half-way around the country, buddy.”
“Okay, what are you saying? You plan to take a hiatus from the studio? If that’s it, I could probably meet with the label and push the album out—”
“It’s more than that. I need a break from life. This life.” He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to return to this life, but it would be stupid to burn his bridges. It was one thing to cut ties with his band. He knew they weren’t in the same place musically anymore. But Reg and the label represented all types of artists, all kind of genres.
“What does that even mean?” Reg asked, downing his drink.
Gunnar knew his old friend was putting out fires one after another while battling an ulcer, and he hated to add to the drama in his life, but he had to be honest. “I’ve been working hard, for a hell of a long time, and while I’ve loved every minute of it, I need to shift my focus now. I want Gianna and the girls back. I want to be the kind of father and partner my career has prevented me from being.”
“Partner?” Reg asked, raising an eyebrow. “So, Gianna’s willing to take you back?”
“I don’t know.” He crossed his arms after scraping his hands over his face. “I thought we were getting closer, but it’s pretty obvious she’s as confused as I am about where we go from here. The best thing for me to do would probably be to move closer to them, though not in the same house, and try to rebuild the relationships I’ve destroyed.”
“You’re going to move to some piss-ant town in the middle of nowhere?” Reg scoffed. “You can’t be serious. That’s not your style.”
“Maybe it’s time for me to change my style. Because honestly, this doesn’t feel like a good fit for me either.”
“What doesn’t?”
“This lifestyle.” Gunnar thought about his visit to Levi’s place. He seemed so content living in that sprawling house in the middle of nowhere, working from home, playing by his own rules and interacting with people when he chose to. “I need more space. More time. More… solitude, I guess.”
When Reg shot him a side-long look before shaking his head, Gunnar explained, “I like being able to walk down the street without being accosted by the Paparazzi and autograph seekers. I like the idea of being able to make friends with people who don’t have an agenda.”
“And you really think you can find that in…?”
“Vista Falls.” Gunnar smiled when he thought of the little town Gianna called home. “Yeah, I really do.”
“Okay, so what does this mean for your career? You can’t be thinking about retiring. You’re too damn young for that. You’d go crazy without your music.”
“I think I’m ready to shift gears, maybe slow down a little.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’ve been working on some new stuff. Country, I guess you could say.”
Reg rolled his eyes. “You know I’ve never been big on following trends. How many rockers have thrown their hat into that ring in the past few years? The odd time it works, but more often than not they just end up embarrassing themselves.”
“So what?” Gunnar shrugged. “No risk, no reward, right?” He really had nothing to lose. He didn’t need the money and wasn’t so crazy about travelling anymore. If his debut album didn’t do well, the label wouldn’t support it. And he’d have another difficult decision to make, but at least he’d be able to say he tried.
“You’re really willing to risk everything for a shot at—”
“A new life?” He nodded. “Yeah, I really am. ’Cause this life isn’t working for me anymore, Reg. Gi’s found a place that makes her happy and I think the girls would be happy there too, in time. If they’re there, that’s where I want to be. It really is as simple as that.”
“Will you still feel the same way if Gianna doesn’t want you back?”
He hated to think about that possibility, but he knew he had to. “Yeah, I will. My daughters will still be there. I won’t have many years left with them before they leave for college and I want to make the most of them, spend as much time with them as I can.”
“I guess I can understand that.”
“So, I have a meeting lined up with the record label later today.”
“You want me to go with you?”
“Thanks,” he said, standing to offer his hand. “But I think I need to handle this by myself.”
“Anything you need, you just call, okay?”
Having Reg’s support meant more to Gunnar than he could express, so he simply muttered, “Thanks, I will.”
***
Gianna had mixed feelings about her mother’s visit. She missed her and looked forward to spending time with her, but since Ramsey confessed she’d spilled the beans about Gunnar’s visit to her grandmother, Gianna knew she’d be bombarded with questions.
Standing in the midst of a small crowd at the airport, Gianna waved to her mother, who pulled a small carry-on bag behind her. Since she was only staying for a few days, she hadn’t checked a bag, which meant after a brief hug, they were on their way back to the car.
“It’s so good to see you,” her mother said, squeezing her shoulder. “You look wonderful.”
“Thanks, Mom. You do too.” They’d always been close, but her strong opinions about Gunnar had always been a bone of contention between them.
“Your father said he thinks we’ll still come out for the girls’ birthday if that’s okay?”
Ramsey and Keegan’s birthdays were only five days apart and they usually celebrated them together with family and friends. “Sure.” She reached for her mother’s bag and hoisted it into the trunk of her SUV. “But just so you know, Gunnar will probably be here too. He’s trying to be more involved—”
“About time,” she muttered. When Gianna shot her a warning look, she sighed. “I’m sorry, but what do you want me to say? He’s never been there for them or you—”
“That’s not fair. He has a demanding career and a lot of responsibilities. He did the best he could.”
She pursed her lips and gripped Gianna’s shoulders. “I was afraid of this when I heard you two were spending time together. You’re not thinking about going back to him, are you?”
“I’m not getting into this with you, Mother. I know how you feel about Gunnar, and if I tell you I’m having second thoughts about leaving him, you’ll just list all the reasons I shouldn’t get back together with him. And I don’t need to hear that right now.”
She was already confused enough without the people who loved her chiming in with their opinions and confu
sing her more.
Once they were in the car, her mother reached for her hand. “You know I love you and only want what’s best for you, right?”
Gianna stared straight ahead as she heard the emotion welling up in her mother’s voice. “Of course.”
“I’ve always wanted you to find a man who loves you and puts you first.” She squeezed Gianna’s hand tighter when she didn’t respond. “Who isn’t afraid to shout from the rooftops how much he loves you.”
“You know that’s not Gunnar’s style,” Gianna said, looking out the window as travelers all around them piled into their cars, bound for home. “And it’s not fair to ask him to be someone he’s not.”
“But you’ve been someone you’re not ever since you fell in love with him! How is that fair?” She drew a deep breath and patted Gianna’s hand before withdrawing hers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout. I’m just so tired of seeing you make all the sacrifices while he makes none.”
“I think he’s ready to meet me half-way,” Gianna said, not at all sure that was still true after last night’s conversation.
“Oh really?” she asked, not sounding convinced. “What makes you think that? Did he tell you that? Because I’m sorry, his word is worth about as much as a plugged nickel as far as I’m concerned.”
“Mom, I know you love me,” Gianna said gently, turning to face her. “But I’m a big girl. I can make my own decisions, right or wrong, and I’m prepared to live with the consequences.”
“But I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“I know that, and maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I don’t know. All I do know is that I still love that man. Maybe I always will. Does that mean we belong together? No, not necessarily. Maybe we are better off apart, but that’s for us to decide. Not you.” The last thing she would ever want to do was hurt her mother’s feelings, but she wasn’t going to let her run her life, either.
“My parents didn’t like your father,” she said, her cheeks coloring slightly at the admission. “In the beginning, they were always on me to dump him. Even after we were married, they didn’t approve.”
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