“Just because we’re young, you think we’re too dumb to know what we want. The same thing happened to my parents,” he said, sounding bitter. “My parents gave me up for adoption just ’cause my grandparents told them they could never make it. But they did make it. They’re married now and successful and—”
“Nick, what the hell are you saying, that you’re in love with my daughter?”
He squared his shoulders, looking Gunnar in the eye, though he could tell he was terrified. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
“You guess?” Gunnar couldn’t even call him to task because he’d already shown more courage than Gunnar himself had throughout his entire relationship with Gianna. He’d found the guts to express his feelings. “You don’t sound too sure of yourself.”
“I just know that I’ve never felt like this before,” he said, linking his hands behind his neck as he turned in a slow circle. “Sure, I’ve been with girls before, had girlfriends, but Keegan’s different. She’s amazing, man.”
Gunnar had to smirk and he held his hand over his face to hide it. Suddenly, he wasn’t talking to him like his girlfriend’s scary father anymore. He was talking to him like he was one of the guys, and Gunnar realized maybe his daughter could do worse than Nick.
“You’re right. She is pretty amazing.” At least Nick realized that.
“When I first came here to live with my parents, I wasn’t so crazy about it either. Not that I was from L.A. or anything, but still, I missed my friends and teammates and school. And my adoptive parents. I missed them too.”
Gunnar suddenly realized Nick hadn’t had it as easy as he’d assumed. “You said something about your adoptive parents? What happened to them?”
“Well, my dad died.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah, it was rough at the time.” He sank down on the porch swing, crossing his foot over his knee. “Then my mom remarried and my step-dad and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye. He wanted to retire and move away. My mom tried to convince him to stay ’til I finished high school, but he was determined to move out to the middle of nowhere and homeschool me.” He scowled, looking at ground. “Can you imagine being homeschooled in high school? That would seriously suck.”
Gunnar tried to keep a straight face. His friends were the only thing that got him through high school, so he could understand why Nick wouldn’t want to lose that connection. “I guess it would. So, how’d you end up here in Vista Falls with your birth parents?”
“I’d already started talking to them,” Nick explained. “Coming out to see them on weekends and during vacations, so when my parents decided they were moving, my mom talked to Sage and Wes and worked it out so I could stay with them ’til I left for college.”
“I’m sure they’re happy to have this time with you.” Gunnar knew he would be in their position.
“Yeah, I think it’s been good for all of us.”
Nick was mature beyond his years and Gunnar knew that could only come from one thing: life experience. He’d lived more and experienced more loss than a lot of people twice his age. “So, you ever see your adoptive mother and step-dad?”
“Yeah, I spend a couple of weeks with them every summer. We talk on the phone and email too.” He shrugged. “She’s cool, but I don’t think I’ll ever get along with him. He just doesn’t like kids, I guess.”
Sounded a lot like the foster parents Gunnar had growing up. They just didn’t like kids. They liked the money the government gave them every month though. That’s the only reason they let him stick around.
Nick looked up, giving Gunnar a half-smile. “I’m not even gonna lie. Sittin’ here talking to you like this, it’s surreal, man.”
“Oh yeah?” Gunnar cocked an eyebrow, thinking how much this kid reminded him of himself at seventeen.
“I mean, your music is cool and all, but when Keegan told me who her dad was, I never thought…” He shook his head. “I didn’t even think I’d get to meet you, let alone talk to you like this.”
Keegan must have given Nick the impression her father wasn’t a big part of her life, which hurt, because up to that point, it had been true. “Well, I for one am glad we got to talk like this.” He gestured back and forth between them. “Gave us a chance to work some things out, don’t you think? Come to an understanding.”
“Uh, sure?”
Gunnar chuckled. “So, let’s recap, maybe set some ground rules if you’re going to keep seeing my daughter.” He’d already accepted the fact there was nothing he could do to keep them apart, so he hoped they’d be respectful if he tried to be reasonable about their relationship.
“Okay.”
“From now on, you’re not welcome here unless Gianna or myself are home, got it?” Since this wasn’t technically his home yet, he didn’t expect to be spending a lot of time there in the immediate future, but Nick didn’t need to know that.
“Got it.”
“Look, Nick, I didn’t want to like you. But I think I do.”
He grinned. “Really?” He whipped his phone out. “You like me enough for a selfie?”
“Let’s not get carried away,” Gunnar said, laughing. “Maybe someday, when I learn to like you a little more.”
Nick laughed, shoving his phone back in his pocket. “Fair enough.”
“I’m okay with you and Keegan going out to movies and stuff, maybe grabbing a burger from time to time, but I don’t want her getting serious with anyone. I meant it when I said I think she’s too young to get serious with anyone.”
He nodded. “Doesn’t mean I can help how I feel about her though.”
Gunnar appreciated his honesty… and suspected he’d be getting that damn selfie real soon. “Fine, but just keep things in perspective, okay? Remember that you’re older and more experienced than she is. She’s never been in love before.” As far as he knew. “And if she develops feelings for you and you go away to college, well, that’s gonna break her heart, and I don’t want to see that happen. I don’t think you do either, right?”
“It’ll suck,” Nick said, cracking his knuckles. “I know we’ve only known each other a couple of months, but already it’s tough for me to imagine not seeing her every day.”
“And that never gets easier, trust me.” The months he had to spend away from Gianna and the girls while he was touring always felt like years.
“Keegan said you and her mom, were, uh, separated. But you’re… back?”
“Yeah, I’m back.” He smiled. “Hopefully for good this time.”
Chapter Twenty
Gianna held her breath as Gunnar walked inside and closed the door. “How’d it go with Nick?”
He looked around before glancing up the stairs. “You talked to her?”
“Yeah, but I’ll tell you about that later.” She reached for her glass of white wine before handing him the beer she’d opened for him. “First, tell me how things went with Nick. I didn’t hear any shouting, so I’m guessing that’s a good sign?”
“I wanted to hate him,” Gunnar admitted, settling in beside her with a heavy sigh. “But he didn’t make it easy. In fact, he made it damn near impossible.”
He tipped his head back and she turned to face him, running her fingertips through his hair when he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “He reminds me a lot of myself at that age. He’s been through some stuff. Made him grow up too soon.”
“Yeah?” She could listen to him talk all night, about anything and everything. After so many years of living with him in silence, just the sound of his voice was a treat.
“He seems to think he knows his own mind and what he wants.” He kicked his shoes off and propped his feet up on the ottoman. “I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe he does. Who the hell am I to say, right?”
“So, what did you tell him about Keegan?”
“He cares about her. That much is obvious.” He turned to face her, opening his eyes. “Maybe this relationship could work to our advantage if we monitor it cl
osely.”
“What does that mean?” He looked so tired, like he’d been through so much. Too much. She just wanted to hold him in her arms let him sleep for a week.
“If Keegan feels about him the way he feels about her, she’s not going to want to go anywhere. Home for her will be wherever Nick is. At least for a while. The relationship will run its course eventually, I’m sure.”
Keegan had told her how much she cared about Nick when they talked, that she’d never felt that way about another boy, so Gianna suspected there was no fear his feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated. “And if it doesn’t?” Gianna asked, playing devil’s advocate.
Gunnar chuckled, closing his eyes again. “Baby, she’s going to have dozens of boyfriends. How many people actually stay with their first love?”
She rested her hand on his shoulder. “I did.”
He smiled, opening one eye to look at her while he kissed her hand. “And I’m glad you did. You know how lucky I feel, knowing I’m the only man you’ve ever loved?”
“The only man I’ll ever love,” she whispered, bending over to kiss him.
“Damn, girl. Do I like the sound of that.”
They kissed until Gianna was barely resisting the urge to straddle him and have her wicked way with him. But there would be time for that… later. Right now, they needed to talk.
“I know you’re not thrilled about what we walked in on, hon. Neither am I. But they’re not doing anything we weren’t at their age. It’s normal.” Her first kiss was at fifteen, but fortunately she’d been smart enough to recognize she was too young and immature to take it any further. She hoped her daughters were too.
“I guess. It’s just so damn hard to watch them grow up.” His mouth pulled into a grim line, a sure sign he was brooding. “I wish they could’ve stayed babies forever. Given me a chance to do it right.”
“Do what right?”
“Be a parent.”
She leaned back against the cushions and rested her legs on his. “You did the best you could with the knowledge you had, Gunnar. That’s all any of us can do. No one can claim to be a perfect parent.” When he didn’t respond, she said, “Speaking of imperfect parents, have you thought any more about your mother?”
“I can’t go there right now, Gi. I just can’t.”
He did look exhausted, but she knew if he shut down and refused to talk about it, he wouldn’t get a wink of sleep. She couldn’t count the number of times she’d woken up to find him pacing the floors, claiming there was nothing wrong.
“It’s gonna be like that, is it?” She didn’t want to push him, but she didn’t want to let him shut her out anymore, either. She was so tired of that.
He seemed to think about it for a minute before looking her in the eye. “No, it’s not gonna be like that. Not anymore. Okay, so you wanna talk about it? Let’s talk.”
“How do you feel about calling her back? Have you thought any more about it?”
“No.”
She didn’t believe him. If she’d been in his position, she’d have thought of little else. “Okay.”
“Yes,” he said finally. “Yes, okay? I have thought about it.” He stared straight ahead, his fingers drumming on her leg. “But what am I supposed to do? Call her up and ask her why the hell she abandoned me? Why she didn’t care enough to come back for me? Whether she’s ever thought about me or…” He drew a shuddering breath and her heart ached for him, but she knew she couldn’t absorb his pain, as much as she might want to. “Regretted her decision. That’s what I really want to know,” he whispered. “If she had it to do all over again, would she do anything differently?”
“There’s only one way to find out,” Gianna whispered. “Call her, Gunnar. Ask her to come here. Or you go to her. Whatever you feel is best.” She’d be there by his side if he needed her to be, though she understood if he felt it was something he had to do alone.
“I’ll think about it,” he promised, drawing her in for a kiss. “I promise, I will.”
***
Gunnar lay in the guest bedroom, trying to sleep. He and Gianna had made love after the girls fell asleep, but they agreed it would be best if they slept in separate bedrooms until they were ready to make it official again. He was ready. But he had to let her set the pace.
He was too tired and wired to sleep. Physically, he was exhausted. Mentally too. But his mind wouldn’t shut down. He kept playing it out in his head, imagining what he would say to his mother when they finally spoke.
He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. 2:04 a.m. “What the hell,” he muttered, reaching for the number and his cell phone. He could live with waking her up.
It rang a few times before an unfamiliar voice croaked, “Hello.”
“It’s…” He swallowed, propping a pillow behind his head. “Gunnar.”
“Gunnar?” she whispered in disbelief. “Is that really you? Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re really calling me.”
“Neither can I.” There was a long silence before he asked, “Why’d you wait so long to reach out to me?”
“I don’t know.” She coughed so long and hard it made him wince. “Why’d you wait so long to call me back? Same reason, I bet. You were scared, same as me.”
“I wasn’t scared,” he lied. “I was pissed. Big difference.”
“Okay, you were pissed. I get that. You have every reason to be.”
“Why’d you do it?”
It was the one question he’d always wanted to ask her, but he couldn’t believe he was asking it on the phone. Gianna suggested they meet in person, but he wasn’t even sure that was necessary. He didn’t want this woman in his life. He didn’t need her anymore. He just needed answers. He needed to know why she’d abandoned him.
“I had no money. No job. We were going to get evicted from that crappy apartment. The car wasn’t running. We would have frozen to death. I didn’t want that for you.”
“We could’ve gone to a shelter. At least we would’ve been together.” And he wouldn’t have been scared out of his mind, all alone in the world.
“And you wouldn’t have had a chance at a better life. That wouldn’t have been fair to you.”
“You think what you did was fair to me?” His voice was raspy, the heartache bleeding into every word. “It wasn’t. Don’t make yourself out to be a martyr, lady. You just didn’t want to be saddled with a kid, and you dumped me on someone else first chance you got.”
“If that’s what you want to believe, I can’t stop you. But it’s not true. I loved you. Still do.”
“You’re such a liar. You don’t even know the meaning of the word. You have no goddamn idea what it means to be a parent.”
“Do you?”
Her question couldn’t have hurt any more, especially since he’d been questioning that himself. “It’s not like I had anyone to teach me.” That wasn’t true. He’d had Gianna. She’d been the best example he’d ever seen of a loving and supportive parent. Thank God their girls had her.
“Neither did I. I guess that’s why I messed up so bad with you.”
He’d always wondered why he’d never had grandparents to take him in the way other kids did. “What happened to your parents?”
“I ran away from home when I was sixteen. Old man was a drunk. Living on the streets was better than livin’ in fear of him.”
Gunnar wanted to know if he’d ever hurt her, but that might mean he’d feel an ounce of compassion for her, and he was still too angry for that. “So you learned early on how to run, huh?”
“You too, I imagine.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She couldn’t pretend to know anything about him, yet that guess hit dangerously close to home.
“Things get real and you run. That’s what we do when we’ve been beat up by life, right?”
“That’s what you do.” But he knew deep down she wasn’t alone in that.
“Your old man did it too.”
Another coughing fit was well un
derway, so he had to wait to ask, “He ran away from you or from us?”
“He left when you were a few weeks old. You were a colicky baby. He said he couldn’t stand the constant crying, that he wasn’t cut out to be a dad.”
Gunnar had often questioned whether he was cut out to be a dad. As much as he loved his girls, when he was half-way around the country, waiting to give everything he had to another crowd, while he’d give nothing of himself to his own family, he felt like the most selfish bastard alive. Maybe he and his old man were cut from the same cloth.
“And you never heard from him again?”
“Nope. We were better off without him if you ask me.”
I was better off without both of you. It took Gunnar a long time to realize that maybe growing up with his mother wouldn’t have been the best thing for him. Being alone in the world made him tough. It made him understand early on that he had to fight for everything he got because he’d never have anyone to give him a hand up or a hand out.
“I’m sorry, Gunnar.”
“Don’t be.” His train of thought continued, aloud this time. “I probably wouldn’t be where I am if you had stuck around.”
“Can’t argue with that. Nothing good came of my life, and if you’d hung around me, nothing good would’ve come of yours. You think I didn’t know that?”
He would never thank her for abandoning him, but maybe he did have to give her credit for knowing what was best. If he’d stayed with her, the cycle of poverty and hopelessness might have continued with him, and he never would have been in a position to meet Gianna and make two beautiful daughters with her.
“My life is pretty incredible,” he said, feeling the love surrounding him in a room that wasn’t even his own. “Way better than I deserve. So, if you ever worried about me, or felt guilty about giving me up, you don’t have to anymore. I turned out okay.”
She snorted. “Better than okay, I’d say.”
“How can you say that?” He hated it when people felt they knew him just because of what they read or saw on television. “You don’t even know me. We’re strangers.”
Sticks and Stones (Vista Falls #5) Page 20